Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma (Read 13993 times)

Emma1017 · « **Reply #380 on:** October 12, 2020, 11:07:24 am »

The area around Grand Army Plaza is in Brooklyn. Brownstones always have a small backyard and no parking. It's brutal anywhere in NYC to have a car and not have a driveway. I lived in a brownstone and paid a lot of parking tickets. We now have a driveway. We bought the house at 20% of the current value in 1996. It had decades of neglect but it has been fun to fix up...although my next house maybe a RV

.

People always equate land as space. They forget the coast and the vast bays, rivers and oceans in New York City. I have been surfing and scuba diving since I was a teenager in NYC. I am 15 minutes to Gateway National Park which has a huge beach and it is connected to Brooklyn and Manhattan by ferry.

NYC is not for everybody. Vacations were created to that we can all go someplace for fun but it is just not home.

Emma1017 · « **Reply #381 on:** October 12, 2020, 07:32:22 pm »

I ran across a really good trans article that hits a lot of resonation with me that I thought to share it here. This is the site: https://www.vice.com/en/article/43e899/male-to-female-transition-guide

And here are some quotes:

"Men don’t think seriously about becoming women and taking estrogen. If you think about transitioning all the time, you’re probably trans.

It’s so messed up that LGBTQ people have to come out. The only reason we do is because heterosexual cisgender society pushes us into invisible subcultures, then feigns shock when we wander out of the underground.

No matter what you look like, your gender is real."

Sarah-Red · « **Reply #382 on:** October 12, 2020, 09:53:51 pm »

I think about being a girl every day, and it's often on my mind.
Does that count? ;p

Emma1017 · « **Reply #383 on:** October 13, 2020, 07:05:22 am »

Sarah it always counts. I think we all share that common dream, everyday and probably every minute.

Sarah-Red · « **Reply #384 on:** October 13, 2020, 09:41:37 am »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 13, 2020, 07:05:22 am

Sarah it always counts. I think we all share that common dream, everyday and probably every minute.

Yeah

Confused1 · « **Reply #385 on:** October 13, 2020, 03:22:15 pm »

Good article, Emma.

I know I couldn't figure out why I thought of Zero depth vaginoplasty every day for over a year once I came across it. I was just searching for a fix for a medical problem. Then I came to Emma's thread and understood why. I just had the cart before the horse!

I had my consult today Emma. It went pretty well. The only concern of the surgeon was my radiation and how it might affect my healing. They are going to conference about it and get back with me. I totally explained my case and why I was there. The surgeon actually asked me if I had a medical background because of what I knew. I guess 2 1/2 years of research paid off. Without any help from my doctors, I am pretty sure I know what is wrong inside of me. I am supposed to have an in person consult soon to discuss what they can do.

Hugs,
Mike

Emma1017 · « **Reply #386 on:** October 13, 2020, 04:27:33 pm »

Congratulations Mike!!!’ Yay!

Emma1017 · « **Reply #387 on:** October 14, 2020, 05:33:08 pm »

In my never ending churn of my transgender experience I have written another opus for Medium. Please tell me whether this is getting boring or not.

Why Do I Need to Transition?

Discovering late in life that I am transgender has created an endless series of questions that I never would have thought of five years ago when I believed, innocently, that I was a typical cisgender male. I was torn between the very rational reasons not to transition, and an internal, inexplicable need to transition.

What am I seeking to derive from transition?

Why can’t I find contentment in who I am now?

Why do I need to go through such a drastic change to feel content and at peace?

At the time, I didn’t understand how transition could be anything more than just physical. My mind was defining my world by sex not gender.

While my confusion and unhappiness grew, I realized I would find no answers by only thinking. To find answers, I needed to try something different than I was already doing. I decided to move forward without reconciling it all. I hoped that as I moved through the various elements of transitioning, it would provide me with answers and I could make decisions that would give me peace.

Through the course of my transition I naturally learned that it is much more than just a physical process. There are more significant psychological and social changes that occur. Changes that, at least for me, brought a majority of the positive effects.

I started to understand gender, my gender.

It became clearer as I started HRT. It seemed to sharpen the blurred edges of my thought of who I am and helped me redefine many experiences in my lifetime that I had dismissed in order to exist and survive as a “cisgender” male. I learned, felt and finally understood I wasn’t. I started to accept it.

The realization of my gender was, to grossly understate it, absolutely shocking to me. The knowledge that I was a female gender in a biologically male body has been for me the most profound experience of my life. My head exploded initially with confusion, doubt and fear. What did this mean to me and to the family, friends and world around me?

It caused me to panic. It caused me to reject the facts. It caused me endless rounds of anger and frustration at the unfairness of it all.

I asked: “Why me?”

Eventually, the answer for me became: “It is what it is and it’s not going way. Now deal with it.”

So, I did. I continued with HRT and asked myself every day: “When will it be enough? Why can’t I be content with this new knowledge of who I am? How would changing my body bring happiness?”

So now I am two years of HRT and on the verge of taking steps to physically align my body with my gender and I still ask over and over again: “Why do I need to transition?”

The only answer I come up with is, I need to be me. I felt it inside. I need to be me against the world that raised me, the wishes of family and friends who can’t understand and accept that need. I had to accept that this it is what I needed to be at peace and have any hope for real joy and happiness in my life.

It is, very simply, my truth.

sandrauk · « **Reply #388 on:** October 14, 2020, 07:07:03 pm »

I can definitely feel the self acceptance in this last post.

Emma1017 · « **Reply #389 on:** October 15, 2020, 06:28:38 am »

I agree Sandra. I am starting to feel this Zen-like acceptance. After endless questioning, sometimes the only reason is an inner knowledge that you must take this path.

Hugs,

Emma

Alice · « **Reply #390 on:** October 15, 2020, 05:02:53 pm »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 15, 2020, 06:28:38 am

I agree Sandra. I am starting to feel this Zen-like acceptance. After endless questioning, sometimes the only reason is an inner knowledge that you must take this path.

Hugs,

Emma

That is gold and exactly how I felt.

Alice

EllenW · « **Reply #391 on:** October 15, 2020, 07:53:07 pm »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 15, 2020, 06:28:38 am

I agree Sandra. I am starting to feel this Zen-like acceptance. After endless questioning, sometimes the only reason is an inner knowledge that you must take this path.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma

I am so happy you have reached this Zen feeling

Ellen

davina61 · « **Reply #392 on:** October 16, 2020, 03:23:01 am »

Yes rather abruptly for me, it was now or never and I choosed the now.

Pammie · « **Reply #393 on:** October 16, 2020, 04:25:28 am »

I think the comment that it is “your truth” is exactly the point and is what binds is all together - sisters xxx

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Emma1017 · « **Reply #394 on:** October 16, 2020, 02:25:55 pm »

You all are the best!

Warm hugs,

Emma

Emma1017 · « **Reply #395 on:** October 16, 2020, 04:52:45 pm »

I had a video therapy session today and I wore a women's V-neck blouse for the first time. My therapist noticed that my face looked very feminine but she couldn't figure out why. I confessed that I had a very subtle lipstick on that I had bought months ago and never used plus some light makeup. It was the first time I wore any makeup in front of someone else that I applied myself and I felt great. I actually blushed at her compliments.

So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.

I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.

Hugs,

Emma

Pammie · « **Reply #396 on:** October 16, 2020, 04:59:35 pm »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 16, 2020, 04:52:45 pm

I had a video therapy session today and I wore a women's V-neck blouse for the first time. My therapist noticed that my face looked very feminine but she couldn't figure out why. I confessed that I had a very subtle lipstick on that I had bought months ago and never used plus some light makeup. It was the first time I wore any makeup in front of someone else that I applied myself and I felt great. I actually blushed at her compliments.

So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.

I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.

Hugs,

Emma

Have a wonderful weekend with your loved ones. You so deserve it! And congratulations on today, that’s another important step - successful too! Xxx

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Northern Star Girl · « **Reply #397 on:** October 16, 2020, 07:51:42 pm »

@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
Thank you for your "Birthday Alert"
I notice that you do not have your birthday listed on your Forum Profile Information page so I would not have been aware of it when I post my daily Members Birthday postings, so now I will give you your very own Birthday Greeting from the Forums.

***NOTE: Members do not have to post the year if they are concerned about privacy issues... just month and day will do. I never show the ages of the members that I post birthday greetings to in my Birthday posts.
HUGS,
Danielle
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dear Emma, I am wishing you
....a very

Happy Birthday

I hope that your special day includes time with family and friends...
... with Candles and CAKE.

***NOTE: On your October 17th birthday be certain to enjoy your special day [/b][/size][/color]

HUGS and best wishes on your special day and birthday.
Danielle

ChrissyRyan · « **Reply #398 on:** October 16, 2020, 08:14:46 pm »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 16, 2020, 04:52:45 pm

I had a video therapy session today and I wore a women's V-neck blouse for the first time. My therapist noticed that my face looked very feminine but she couldn't figure out why. I confessed that I had a very subtle lipstick on that I had bought months ago and never used plus some light makeup. It was the first time I wore any makeup in front of someone else that I applied myself and I felt great. I actually blushed at her compliments.

So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.

I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.

Hugs,

Emma

Happy birthday to you on Saturday!

Chrissy

Dorit · « **Reply #399 on:** October 17, 2020, 01:39:03 am »

Quote from: Emma1017 on October 16, 2020, 04:52:45 pm

So tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 65 and it really doesn't bother me. There's a great outdoor farmers market near by and a large wine store that are all on my birthday list and I am looking forward to a nice dinner with my wife and my son later on.

I am putting aside my transition fears, the election and the virus for the weekend and just will be happy doing fun stuff and being with the people I love.

I hope everyone has a great weekend. We all deserve it.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma dear, Happy Birthday! You birthday celebration sound ideal.

News:

Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma (Read 13993 times)