This is all practical advice. One of my problems is that I have had to delay moving forward at the speed I wanted.
Once being transgender resonated, I start a very slow, deliberate process of transitioning for two reasons, the love of my wife and the enormity of the change. It created a level of fear and doubt that I have never encountered. Months ago, I completed what I call the “soft transition”, meaning that everything was reversible. The only steady, slow moving, permanent change was the growth of my breasts. Two years on HRT has made them hard to ignore.
Additional facts are the pandemic and the fact that my son has chosen to join and ultimately take over my practice. For my son I need to stay involved until at least the end of 2022. The pandemic has given me the freedom of not wearing a suit every day. The pandemic has forced me to cancel and reschedule various consultations and procedures multiple times.
Why didn’t I discover I was transgender earlier? After pondering that over and over I believe I actively buried it and my life helped. I was the “rock” for my family. As people got sick, some with cancer and others had other tragedies, I was always the “go to” person. I was always there. Maybe I felt their need was always greater than mine. My “quirk wasn’t a big deal. I really was clueless what my condition was but I felt I had it under control, until I didn’t.
Suddenly at age 61, all of my obligations either were solved or left my life. I had done my job but I forgot someone, ignored in the process of living, me.
So here I am and I am struggling.
O&C, Dorit and Davina you all offer very practical advice. O&C I don’t agree. My female socialization is not measured against anyone else except what I personally achieve and how I meet my needs. They are my own standards. Dorit I hear the ticking to that clock every day and I wonder did I wait too long. Davina I think I have the single-mindedness that you have, “Put up or shut up.”
I need to move on. I clearly want to transition but this last bit of the jungle is strangling me.