Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma

[Dorit]

I didn't imply this. I merely observe that you have been ricocheting from one decision to another and you are exhausted by this. What you're doing hasn't worked for you.

Again, if you can't decide, gather more data. Spend some time in the female role. If it's ever so right for you, you will move permanently into that role. If it doesn't deliver all you've imagined, you can stay with your wife, remaining in the male role.

To be pragmatic, you are 65 and therefore decades behind the socialization of other women in your peer group. Heck, you're way behind women who are 25.

This axiom is apt: "Woman is not born fully formed; she is gradually shaped by her upbringing."

I believe there is a lot of wisdom here and good advice.  Take a trip to another city and spend some time as Emma.   I don't think she means a weekend makeover.  Take a month.  I speak from experience, Years ago I did this for over a month on a trip to California.  When I came home I knew I could not go back to living outwardly as a man, and went full speed ahead in transition. Emma dear, at our age we cannot waste too much time in indecision.   There are not that many years left, but still enough.

[davina61]

I would say come on girl pick your skirts up and get a move on, but then that's me. Single minded (Aries!!) and when I set my mine to something I do it no matter what. Selfish , probably but after 6 months of androdigness  I just went full time and thats nearly 3 years now. Its been great but only have myself to please.
I agree that you need some full time to see whats what then you will know what its like (FREEDOM!)

[Emma1017]

This is all practical advice.  One of my problems is that I have had to delay moving forward at the speed I wanted.

Once being transgender resonated, I start a very slow, deliberate process of transitioning for two reasons, the love of my wife and the enormity of the change.  It created a level of fear and doubt that I have never encountered.  Months ago, I completed what I call the “soft transition”, meaning that everything was reversible.  The only steady, slow moving, permanent change was the growth of my breasts.  Two years on HRT has made them hard to ignore.

Additional facts are the pandemic and the fact that my son has chosen to join and ultimately take over my practice.  For my son I need to stay involved until at least the end of 2022.  The pandemic has given me the freedom of not wearing a suit every day.  The pandemic has forced me to cancel and reschedule various consultations and procedures multiple times.

Why didn’t I discover I was transgender earlier?  After pondering that over and over I believe I actively buried it and my life helped.  I was the “rock” for my family.  As people got sick, some with cancer and others had other tragedies, I was always the “go to” person.  I was always there.  Maybe I felt their need was always greater than mine.  My “quirk wasn’t a big deal. I really was clueless what my condition was but I felt I had it under control, until I didn’t. 

Suddenly at age 61, all of my obligations either were solved or left my life.  I had done my job but I forgot someone, ignored in the process of living, me.

So here I am and I am struggling.

O&C, Dorit and Davina you all offer very practical advice.  O&C I don’t agree.  My female socialization is not measured against anyone else except what I personally achieve and how I meet my needs.  They are my own standards.  Dorit I hear the ticking to that clock every day and I wonder did I wait too long.  Davina I think I have the single-mindedness that you have, “Put up or shut up.” 

I need to move on.  I clearly want to transition but this last bit of the jungle is strangling me.

[Oldandcreaky]

Your son needed a year of oversight last spring. He now needs two more years? What will you do with those two more years?

More shared essays from Medium?

Change your avatar, again and again?

Tell us you're becoming Emma, followed by telling us you can't do it, followed by telling us you're becoming Emma, followed....?

You remind me of a car that's stuck in the mud and you sit in the seat and press the accelerator and press the accelerator and sometimes you say, "It's going to go!" and other times you say, "Why won't it move?"

I'm simply suggesting you get out of the damn car and try something new because a car that's seriously stuck in the mud isn't going anywhere until you exit it and try A. If A doesn't work, you try B. If B, doesn't work, you try C. A visit to Maine with your wife could have been A. A road trip by yourself could be B. Heck, I'd be happy to see you dress yourself and apply your own makeup and simply spend a day on the streets of New York. Dine al fresco. Walk some parks. That could be your A.

Here's another analogy: If you're going to buy a house, you don't do a drive-by and say, "That's where I want to live the rest of my life."

You tour it.

You ask questions.

You hire a home inspector.

You go for a second look.

You check out the neighborhood.


Walking from Donna's to your therapist is a drive-by and you wonder why you can't decide if you should live in this new house.

[Jessica_Rose]

Emma, it's time to pull out the machete and get to work blazing your own trail through the jungle. I know we are all different. Once I realized the cause of the anger and rage in my life, I realized that I only had two choices -- continue down a road of misery leading to an early death, or transition. I may have said this before, but there is a lyric from 'King of Anything' by Sara Bareillis which I think sums this up for many of us:

"All my life I've tried to make everybody happy,
while I just hurt and hide,
waiting for someone to tell me it's my turn to decide"

As you mentioned, you have done your job, you have made everybody happy all your life, now it's your turn to find happiness. It may sound a bit cold and callous, but those you have helped along the way should celebrate with you and help you through your journey, those who turn their backs were never really your friends. None of us are getting any younger, and we deserve to live the rest of our lives the way we want. As a famous mariner once said, 'Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!'

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Emma1017]

O&C your last post made me laugh, in a good way.  I am stuck with movie visuals:



Your post reflects my own anger and frustration.  I have been stuck in this "mud" for way too long with the tires spinning endlessly and going nowhere.  Time to call the tow truck.

Jessica after the tow truck I will take the machete out of car trunk ("boot" to you that are British) .

I need to get back to living.  Even Red got out of Shawshank.


Hugs,

Emma

[AngelaJade]

Hello Emma
Happy belated Birthday.. sorry I missed it, I’ve been a bit busy..

I read your post from back on the 20th and immediately thought of a book I read a while ago..

I thought you and others may find something from it.

It’s available on kindle and other mediums..

YES, YOU ARE TRANS ENOUGH
MY TRANSITION FROM SELF-LOATHING TO SELF-LOVE
By: MIA VIOLET

[Oldandcreaky]

If you're going to shepherd your son for two-plus years, I think you should squeeze as much joy as possible from being your wife's husband and a father to your children. Stop perseverating about becoming Emma. Focus on Brooklyn, your neighbors, your home, and your family.

[Sarah-Red]

I understand how hard it can be to transition. It's ok that you feel the pain and everything you do. The one thing I will say though, is that I think you know you have to, you're at a later stage in your life and if you want to live your truth then now's the time to go for it. And I know you want to. Your problem is that you think you owe others in your family a man, when you don't. Nobody owes someone else to be something they're not. Yes it's going to trigger pain in some like your wife, but pain is part of life. It's getting over it that helps us grow as individuals, and she needs to learn to let you be you, as much as you need to learn to let her go through it.

That's my opinion, and I stand by it. And I know it's tough on you, but the sooner you submit to your will, the sooner it'll let you relax more and learn to simply be there for others, not sacrifice yourself for them, you know?

I believe in you, and I know you'll find your way, it's just a rough start because of everything you all put into 'expectations', instead of flowing with the heart. I hope that makes sense. Carry on, and believe in yourself girl.

[Emma1017]

Angela thank you for you thoughts and your book recommendation.  I will look into it.

Sarah I think that this week was the last gasp of my male battle against my female gender.  I am transitioning.  I will do all I can to preserve our relationship but I know that moving forward will create less harm for me and my relationship than if I try and suck it up for the rest of my life.  I don't want to do that and I truly can't.

i am with you Jessica:  'Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!'

Again thank you all for your thoughts.

Hugs,

Emma

[Sarah-Red]

Ok hun, sounds like you know where you're heading

Still natural to have ups and downs and struggles. It's ok to feel how you do. *hug*. and we always just do our best to get through it.

[Emma1017]

I am going to stop writing for a while. 

There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums. 

I am transgender.  My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".

I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.

Thanks all for being there for me.


Hugs,

Emma

[ChrissyRyan]

Hang in there Emma.

You are beautiful inside and outside.

Write when you feel up to it.

We are here supporting you.

Hugs,

Chrissy

[Oldandcreaky]

I support your decision, Emma. You are dedicated to training your son for at least another two years and two months.

Think of these two-plus years as your own autumn and savor the bittersweet, shortening days as husband, father, and neighbor within your community. Enjoy the days with your son and the evenings with your wife. Take a long break from doubt and vacillating. Breathe. Be grateful.

[Pammie]

I am going to stop writing for a while. 

There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums. 

I am transgender.  My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".

I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.

Thanks all for being there for me.


Hugs,

Emma

My dearest Emma, I think your posts are both cathartic and necessary. Yes, you chronicle your conflicts and your journey buffered by the winds of circumstance but we are all invested and we feel and know your pain. Please post whenever you need to express your pain, happiness, decision or indecision - #teamEmma xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Alice]

I am going to stop writing for a while. 

There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums. 

I am transgender.  My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".

I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.

Thanks all for being there for me.


Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

I was thinking about all you have written over the last week when I was in your position. I remember a friend here at susan's told me that transition is "a leap of faith". In my pondering I did not find any other way.

I hope you find peace in the end. That is what we are all after.

Alice

[CaelaNotKayla]

I am going to stop writing for a while. 

There is no point to me constantly saying the same things over and over again and having emotional temper tantrums. 

I am transgender.  My late-life gender dysphoria is not going away and I am not going to get "better".

I need to take steps to cure my gender dysphoria and not whine about being forced to cure it.

Thanks all for being there for me.


Hugs,

Emma

Emma-

Hang in there girl!- We'll be here for support when you need it!

Hugs!

Caela

[KimOct]

Your son needed a year of oversight last spring. He now needs two more years? What will you do with those two more years?

More shared essays from Medium?

Change your avatar, again and again?

Tell us you're becoming Emma, followed by telling us you can't do it, followed by telling us you're becoming Emma, followed....?

You remind me of a car that's stuck in the mud and you sit in the seat and press the accelerator and press the accelerator and sometimes you say, "It's going to go!" and other times you say, "Why won't it move?"

I'm simply suggesting you get out of the damn car and try something new because a car that's seriously stuck in the mud isn't going anywhere until you exit it and try A. If A doesn't work, you try B. If B, doesn't work, you try C. A visit to Maine with your wife could have been A. A road trip by yourself could be B. Heck, I'd be happy to see you dress yourself and apply your own makeup and simply spend a day on the streets of New York. Dine al fresco. Walk some parks. That could be your A.

Here's another analogy: If you're going to buy a house, you don't do a drive-by and say, "That's where I want to live the rest of my life."

You tour it.

You ask questions.

You hire a home inspector.

You go for a second look.

You check out the neighborhood.


Walking from Donna's to your therapist is a drive-by and you wonder why you can't decide if you should live in this new house.

Emma - It looks like O&C has taken my place which is good.  I care about you and always will but participating on your threads for the last 2 plus years has been exhausting.  I am not trying to be mean.
I like you and care about you which is why I was so involved.  But it has hurt me.  So much energy without any evolution.

As I have said before - transition is not for everyone.  Being honest with yourself is.  And you have been honest with yourself and your wife.

I remember earlier this year you said that September was your do or die date.  Today is 10/26.  I think you can participate in your business for two more years but that does not have to determine how you live your life.

If you said tomorrow that you identify as transgender but choose not to transition I would read your expressions of frustration for many years.  We all need support for when we hurt.

But the continuing I'm almost there - I'm almost there is sapping my energy.

This is not goodbye.  I cannot help myself regarding checking in on you.  I care too much.  But I have been putting my energy elsewhere.  It just hurts me too much to see you continuing to endlessly grind your wheels.

I do love you and will check in from time to time if I am welcome but I will leave it to O&C to provide the tough love.

HUGS
Kim

[Emma1017]

Kim I am glad that you stopped by and I hope you are doing well.

I understand your exhaustion with my personal transgender hell and I agree, it has carried on way too long.  That is why I decided to stop writing here.  Throughout all of my threads there have been two reasons to post, to help me and to help others by sharing.

Unfortunately for those following my threads it has been an endless cycle of frustration.  "When is she going to transition?  When is she going to make a decision?"  At the end of the day, this is my transition, emotional frustration and all, but I know that I can no longer drag you all on this journey.  Many have shared their opinions and I respect them.  They have been immensely helpful for me to understand who and what I am as well as what I need to do.

...but I need to resolve this on my own now.  I don't want to debate the decisions and directions I take at this point.  I
will abuse my therapist who gets paid to put up with my spiral of frustration.

Kim you know I appreciate the love and care you have shown me and I am sorry that, like an adult child living in the basement of a parents house, I have over-stayed my welcome with you.  I hope, in the future, I can earn your friendship back on a more stable plane.

Thank you all for being there for me and helping me up every time I fell.  I promise I will come back once the last part of my path is clearer and I can share something worth sharing.

Sincerely and with hugs,

Emma

[Oldandcreaky]

Kim, I spent a couple years studying group dynamics. We believed that stasis is the preferred state in groups and that when someone filling a particular role in the group leaves, another steps forward to fill that role, thereby maintaining stasis. So, I embody that. I should change my moniker to KimNov as November follows October, but since I'm older and creakier than ever, I'll stick with oldandcreaky.