Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 5912 times)

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Online Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #60 on: August 04, 2020, 10:34:16 pm »
Sarah you haven't missed much on my thread.  I am moving at a glacial speed with lots of thawing and remelting.  The photos show more progress than me, unfortunately. 

It is not analysis paralysis.  I am just trying to remove the mines before I run through the field.  I have my track shoes on in anticipation.:D

Sounds like progress to me. At least from what I can see.
I'm moving slower than you anyway. As long as we can make steps and try not to swing quite as far back, i think we're still moving forward. Well, I'd like to see it that way anyway. Still got lots to work on.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #61 on: August 05, 2020, 03:11:50 am »
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :).  Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
That makes sense. I do admire how you mainly manage not to panic when you hit new roadblocks Emma. Xxx
It feels like you are progressing in a very logical Emma way xxx


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #62 on: August 05, 2020, 07:28:13 am »
I woke up this morning with the classic "What in the world am I doing?"

I hate that so much.  I would like to make the "DECISION" once and for all and then stop second guessing it. 

"Am I satisfied to know that I am transgender?  Is knowing my soul is Emma enough?  Can I live the rest of my life as Emma?  Is it worth it given the nasty way the world is heading against LGBTQ?  Is it worth the pain I will cause my wife?  Is it worth the risk of surgeries...at my age during a pandemic needing to travel to get them?  Have I satisfied my need that gender dysphoria has alerted met to?  What is enough? What do I decide? When?"

I know I am not alone in this cycle of doubt but it is much easier to read about some one else's pain than to live it yourself.

Time for another cup of coffee......

« Last Edit: August 05, 2020, 08:46:39 am by Northern Star Girl »
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #63 on: August 05, 2020, 09:24:00 am »
After a while of doubts and negativity, it's good to learn to ignore them, or at least kind of put yourself aside from them and know that they distort things, and that the truth is bigger and you can usually see more of it when you feel better.
So, don't let the negative run around your mind too much, is just my advice, or else you constantly get pulled into thinkings and debating yourself when it actually leads nowhere in that energy.
I'm not saying it's not good to process some of the feelings somehow, but you've done a lot of the running around with them, so maybe remembering that it can and does distort things can help to sometimes go beyond them and know better. ;)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #64 on: August 05, 2020, 09:33:05 am »
So in other words Sarah, stop chasing my tail and move forward  ;D
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #65 on: August 05, 2020, 10:04:14 am »
So in other words Sarah, stop chasing my tail and move forward  ;D

Lol, you can do that too ;) And why not, you know it's what you want. Why waste energy ;p

(Doesn't mean we can't work on our minds too once in a while, that's part of moving forward as well, but yeah)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #66 on: August 05, 2020, 10:05:14 pm »
I am going to transition.  I absolutely must to survive.

I have never felt to sad and so afraid...

I am going to hurt the one person in my life that I love more than anything...

I feel so  alone

this hurts more than anything in my life.....

I don't know how I can do this?

Where am I going to possibly find the courage?

I wish some one could save me from this...God the is so painful

I am so sorry to dump this on you all...I have no where else to go

How tragically sad.

I hope some good comes from all this but I can't see it.

I am truly sorry to dump this, you all deserve better

I feel so selfish

I wish with all my heart that there was another way.....for the last 3 years I tried to so desperately to find another way...

I give up, I surrender.  I have nothing left.  I can't fight any more...

So sorry to dump.

Transitioning is the only solution.

I hope to God it is worth it..............................





[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #67 on: August 05, 2020, 10:11:55 pm »
Emma,

I know it hurts, we have all been there. *Hugs*

Alice

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #68 on: August 05, 2020, 10:14:50 pm »
Oh Alice I am so so so sad right now.  I don't know if my heart can hold it all.  I hate this with with every fiber of my being.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #69 on: August 05, 2020, 10:21:16 pm »
It is painful. I looked for all ways out, in the end I was become the living dead, Going from work to home and back again.

I had that period were I knew it was right, I could live again, breath, exercise and enjoy life for a change. I did not have to hide away, I could finally relax.

There will be tears. I had some more today after losing my job. But in the end finally being confident of who you are is so so important.

Alice

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #70 on: August 05, 2020, 10:21:30 pm »
This violates everything that I am.  I just can't hurt some one as much as I know this will hurt my wife.....

I just can't but I am...this makes me feel so vile

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #71 on: August 05, 2020, 10:26:00 pm »
Oh Alice I feel like my heart is going to explode..............this is so cruel.  I am sorry for my wife's sake.  She gets nothing from this but a total loss...she so deserves so much better and I am hurting her beyond any measure...
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #72 on: August 05, 2020, 10:30:16 pm »
I am sorry.  This is my pain.  I am sorry putting this on you all.  This site gives me the ability to dump and hide...

I am a coward.  This is my problem...
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #73 on: August 05, 2020, 10:35:41 pm »
You are brave. We all know your pain. We all know your anger.

Facing up to this is being courageous. Never forgot you were brave enough to try and understand your situation.

Alice

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #74 on: August 05, 2020, 10:51:41 pm »
I truly don’t think I can hurt any more
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #75 on: August 05, 2020, 10:53:39 pm »
I am so done. I have nothing left.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #76 on: August 06, 2020, 08:59:28 am »
Sorry for last night.  I was out with my buddy Mike who not only knows I am transgender but is absolutely convinced I am transitioning.

A few too many beers and in true guy fashion, repressed emotions and feelings exploded forth.  I know its my thread but I needed some outlet besides crying.  Fortunately my wife was at our vacation house.

Its so tough holding it all in and holding it together sometimes.

Sorry for the drama...again :)
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #77 on: August 06, 2020, 09:51:58 am »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
No worries.... it is indeed your blog/thread and there is no better place for you to vent and share what is going on in your life.   

Your followers here are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your happiness and success.
When you report good news, we will rejoice with you and when you report not-so-good news and express things regarding discouragements and disappointments we are here to give you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.

Today is a new day.... the past is past and nothing can be done about that.... go forward with a positive attitude and a bright outlook.
             Helpful LINK>>>     Positive Mindset... put away negativity

HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Sorry for last night.  I was out with my buddy Mike who not only knows I am transgender but is absolutely convinced I am transitioning.

A few too many beers and in true guy fashion, repressed emotions and feelings exploded forth.  I know its my thread but I needed some outlet besides crying.  Fortunately my wife was at our vacation house.

Its so tough holding it all in and holding it together sometimes.

Sorry for the drama...again :)
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline randim

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #78 on: August 06, 2020, 09:57:55 am »
Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies. Here’s a thought I have pondered of late that might be helpful: For much of my life and this process I thought I was wrestling demons. Beginning to realize I’ve been wrestling angels instead. Whose side do you want to be on?

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #79 on: August 06, 2020, 10:45:11 am »
Thanks Danielle, as always, thanks for helping me clear my head.  It needs a lot of cleaning... :D

Randim I absolutely loved this:

      "Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies."

I didn't know Rocky was transgender.... ;D

I am in the last round now which is what happened to me last night.  I have decided, unless medical reasons prevent it, that I am transitioning.  I have a GCS consultation at the end of September and that will be the last roadblock.

I will talk to my wife in the next few days and see what she decides...that is my true pain. :embarrassed:

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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