Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 5904 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #40 on: July 30, 2020, 06:03:50 pm »
Ellie you are absolutely right, you control the narrative.  Remote computer-based interviews are happening by the thousands as we speak.  Don't back down!

Danielle, we have little whinny mosquitoes here. Nothing the vampire bats in Alaska.  I will only go up there if you guarantee my own sweety tooth fairy.... we could even share a practice or I can just get a delivery job at the coffee shop....I am old and ready for social security anyway ;D ;D ;D
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandyL

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #41 on: July 30, 2020, 06:55:04 pm »
Long clothing, hats and (if desperate) headnets. No problem in Alaska's relatively cool climate. I couldn't do that on our 90+ days down here though. My usual solution is to just keep moving!

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #42 on: July 30, 2020, 07:00:29 pm »
Randy don’t forget the necklace of cloves of garlic.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandyL

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #43 on: July 30, 2020, 11:10:15 pm »
Randy don’t forget the necklace of cloves of garlic.
Ah! My wife insists on surrounding our tent with mothballs in bear country. Doesn't help with mosquitoes though.

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #44 on: July 31, 2020, 06:54:26 am »
Randy bears are not a problem in my neighborhood.  Worst we get is possums, raccoons and squirrels with attitude.

Danielle what do you use against mosquitoes?  I hear they are big enough to carry away small game.

 
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Dorit

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #45 on: August 01, 2020, 01:59:48 am »

I hope, sometime in the future, I will look back on this brutally painful experience with all that I am risking and say:

"It was worth it".


Hugs,

Emma

Hi Emma dear!  I want to catch up with your story after missing a few days, plus a possible 10 hour time difference between us doesn't help for any real time communication.

Every time I throw out the trash, walk in the park, or go to the neighborhood grocery, I say it was worth it!  No more hidden life, no more fear of being found out, no more shame about who I am.  It is wonderful to be free.
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #46 on: August 01, 2020, 08:58:48 am »


Dorit what you are living is all that I want.  I just want to feel and be normal.  I want to choose who knows I am transgender and have the rest of the world treat me just like the rest of the world.

That is my ultimate hope.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #47 on: August 01, 2020, 09:40:42 am »
Every time I throw out the trash, walk in the park, or go to the neighborhood grocery, I say it was worth it!  No more hidden life, no more fear of being found out, no more shame about who I am.  It is wonderful to be free.

I could not have said this better. There is not on moment that I do not think all the mental anguish was worth it.

Emma
You to will find it worth every tear you have shed

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work Febuary 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #48 on: August 01, 2020, 08:17:42 pm »


    "You to will find it worth every tear you have shed."  thank you so much Ellen!
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #49 on: August 02, 2020, 02:28:41 pm »
As I started Chapter 4 I went through all the makeover photos I did.  Donna, the stylist I used, has moved to California, so this is it. They are critical to me because I still doubt them and at some point I just need to finally accept what they show me.

God I am stubborn....

You all are the only ones I can share these with.  So here is my bakers dozen of denial-proof photos:


This is first photo of me as Emma, February, 2018.


April, 2018


June, 2018


October, 2018


I started HRT November, 2018 and this is from January, 2019


May, 2019


August 2019


September, 2019


October 3, 2019


December, 2020


January, 2020


February, 2020


July, 2020















[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Jenny_Oh

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #50 on: August 02, 2020, 03:09:53 pm »
Emma,

What a wonderful, amazing and inspiring series of photographs. Absolutely beautiful. You have created a fantastic record of your thoughts and struggles as you've worked through your transition, both in text and in photographs. Have you ever thought about making this into a book? It would be so useful for parents, spouses and other people struggling with gender issues to read.

Thank you for sharing,
Jennifer


    

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #51 on: August 02, 2020, 06:53:55 pm »
Emma,

I enjoyed those photos, thanks for sharing.

Alice

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #52 on: August 02, 2020, 07:11:52 pm »
Emma,

I have been reading through your recent posts and I do truly wish you the best results...

Here I am deciding on if my next crossbody bag should be just large enough to hold my tablet device or about two inches smaller and a little cuter. 

Then I think of what is going through your mind and what you are dealing with and I say I would rather have no new handbags ever if Emma could have some peace of mind, has to give up virtually nothing to simply be herself, and for her to live happily ever after.

Chrissy

Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #53 on: August 03, 2020, 07:00:35 am »
Jenny thank you for the very special compliment.  There is nothing unique to my transition process, thousands have done it and there are dozens of books documenting various journeys.  There is nothing special to mine other than I rely on all of you to listen patiently because I have no one to talk to.

Alice I also enjoyed seeing my photos showing me who I am, over and over again...someday, hopefully.

Chrissy, for goodness sake buy both crossbody bags!  I love the spirit of your wish.  It's funny but last night I actually prayed to God for help...and think I got my answer, strangely enough, because my next thought after I mocked myself for thinking my problem was worth the time given the suffering in the world, is, simply, God helps those that help themselves.  So Chrissy (and I am sure that Kim will agree ;D) time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it all.

Hugs,

Emma

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #54 on: August 03, 2020, 01:52:22 pm »
Emma,

All of those baker's dozen pictures are wonderful and you can be very proud of them.

Many people have indeed done it, but that doesn't mean it was easy! There are many who will never go as far as you have.

Thank you for sharing your gorgeous shots.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #55 on: August 03, 2020, 06:03:21 pm »
...

Chrissy, for goodness sake buy both crossbody bags!  I love the spirit of your wish.  It's funny but last night I actually prayed to God for help...and think I got my answer, strangely enough, because my next thought after I mocked myself for thinking my problem was worth the time given the suffering in the world, is, simply, God helps those that help themselves.  So Chrissy (and I am sure that Kim will agree ;D) time for me to put my big girl panties on and deal with it all.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

You will figure it out and taken the action you decide upon.
It is tough sometimes looking at tradeoffs, as what you give up often does not exactly equate to what you gain, but both are valuable.  So at the end, it is a very personal decision followed by a plan of action.

On the bag situation, I decided to buy a nice tote and a crossbody bag.  I ended up getting a crossbody bag that can also hang down on the shoulder.  I can remove the long strap and just use the short handle straps too.  So cute, with really soft leather, and versatile.  I ended up getting neither of the two bags I was thinking about this weekend. 

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #56 on: August 04, 2020, 07:16:47 am »
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :).  Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.
[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #57 on: August 04, 2020, 07:50:58 am »
Hi Emma ;) it's been a little while. Did I miss anything? :P
Sounds like you're more ready to move forward with yourself, from the look of things. Which is great. :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #58 on: August 04, 2020, 02:20:18 pm »

Sarah you haven't missed much on my thread.  I am moving at a glacial speed with lots of thawing and remelting.  The photos show more progress than me, unfortunately. 

It is not analysis paralysis.  I am just trying to remove the mines before I run through the field.  I have my track shoes on in anticipation.:D

[img[/img]The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #59 on: August 04, 2020, 08:40:19 pm »
Thank you Ellie for the compliments.  I can't deny what the photos show.  The question is whether I have the courage to live it.

Chrissy every day I weigh everything on a balance scale, which makes sense since  I am a Libra and that is my zodiac sign :). Everyday the scale leans towards transitioning and then something causes the scale to swing back.

The pandemic has created a very difficult relationship situation and has limited the options.

Emma,

It sounds as if you are swinging on a pendulum instead of using a balance scale.  Back and forth it sways.    :)

Do have a nice evening.   This will work out.


Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

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