Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 10360 times)

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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #80 on: August 06, 2020, 11:59:08 am »
That's big, and despite the pain, I think you know what's right for you. You care too much about others and it kept you from being yourself. We're all responsible for our own happiness. And you deserve to be happy just like everyone else. You need stop seeing it as you hurting your wife, it's not. I know it's easier to say, but I hope that still  makes sense.

I realize though that you do have a lot of pain to process, and I'm sorry about that. They're your feelings and it's ok. Just remember what's around your happiness too, where there's some good feelings. Just wanted to say that :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #81 on: August 06, 2020, 01:15:00 pm »

It's funny Sarah but I just admitted to my therapist that I have already transitioned.  My body needs to catch up. ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #82 on: August 06, 2020, 03:31:25 pm »
I'm glad you're able to feel that way. You are who you are. ;)

Online EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #83 on: August 07, 2020, 09:44:50 am »
I have already transitioned.  My body needs to catch up. ;D

Emma,

That sums up it  for me. I have fully transitioned every where except GCS.

 After years of work with her therapist my wife has come to accept the fact I am a women and if I want GCS it is my body and my decision. Now between her cancer and other medical issues I have become her full time care taker. Which means I cannot be laid up for any amount of time.

I know you will get through this just as I will.

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #84 on: August 07, 2020, 09:48:16 am »
I keep trying so hard to convince myself that I don't need to transition but the emotional pain I feel keeps forcing me to accept that I just can't live like that. 

The problem is I know I can successfully transition.  If it wasn't an option, for example medically, then I could find a way to live with it.  I would have no choice.  But that would true of any medical procedure.  If it couldn't be performed then I would have to live with that fact too.

So who am I kidding?....the answer is obvious.

This isn't a real choice anyway, it is a medical necessity and it is possible to be medically fixed.  I just have to get that into my head but I am working over-time rejecting it.

I am still trying to protect my wife...that's what guys do....It never ends does it?

I still can't just do this because it is only for me...but I have to.



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #85 on: August 07, 2020, 09:54:13 am »
Oh Ellen I am so sorry for you both.  It is so terrible to have so much pain trapped in a loving relationship.

I am truly glad that your wife has found a way to accept you and that you have found a way to stand by her side, particularly now.

Please make sure you take care of yourself as you take care of your wife.  A minister told me once that he has buried more caregivers than the one being cared for.  Balance your sacrifice with your own needs...perhaps your own personal day of beauty at a beauty salon. :D

Massive hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #86 on: August 07, 2020, 01:37:27 pm »
I still can't just do this because it is only for me...but I have to.

I'm going to disagree with this statement. And here's why. Emma, transitioning isn't only for you, sweetie. It isn't just to make you feel normal. See... when you're suffering gender dysphoria, it doesn't only affect you. It affects everyone around you because it changes the way you are towards them. You become introverted, thinking only about the pain you're feeling... like a bad tooth. It's all you have on your mind. And those around you suffer because of it. If it's severe enough to make you actually depressed... or worse... it doesn't just impact your life. It impacts every relationship you have.

We aren't islands, sweetie. Our lives are the ripples in the giant cosmic pond, created the moment we were dropped into this world like the proverbial pebble. A lot of the time we don't see that because we are very self-focused... but it's there. What we do affects people we've never even met.

When you're in pain, when you're suffering, when there's something which is causing you to focus inwards and divert a lot of your attention on it... that affects people in your world who have relationships with you. It's noticeable. Your relationships aren't what they could be because you can't be all of you for them. You can't... ignore something like that.

To be free of that pain isn't a purely selfish thing. It isn't just for you. It's to enable you to be you in order that you can enjoy your life and your relationships as fully as you possibly can. Without this lingering thorn in your mind which causes you pain, and causes you to focus more on what's bothering you than you otherwise would.

It's like those... uhm... ads for feminine hygiene products where you see the women rollerblading and walking puppies in the park. Transition doesn't give you a life, it lets you live the one you already have but may have been too closed off and unwilling to actually live. You, too, can graffiti random stuff on a wall with someone called Brad. If that's what you want to do.

It turns your mental gaze outward, not inward. And that, sweetie, is a benefit to everyone. Not just you. :)

*huggles*

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #87 on: August 07, 2020, 02:25:21 pm »
Going on that type of train of thought, I'd like to say that everyone's an example of how someone can be. And by being true to yourself and following happiness, you are an example of that, and saying to others that they can do the same.
What kind of world would it be if everyone feels bad and keeps themselves a certain way where they're unhappy, just to please others? That's no life, and no way a society should be. Being kind to others is one thing, but sacrificing your own happiness teaches others to sacrifice their own happiness, and to not be themselves. That's not a society I want to live in. I'm sure you don't either. Of course there's pain when there's people used to certain things or how someone is, but it's actually irresponsible of them to rely on you for their own happiness. And also isn't good for them to be like that. A more open kind happiness makes more sense, don't you think?

So, be happy, be yourself. It's the best you can do for yourself as well as be an example of what makes sense for everyone :)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #88 on: August 07, 2020, 02:40:05 pm »
I have to destroy someone’s happiness, someone I love deeply, to be happy.  It’s a pain that must be caused but is ripping me apart.  Gender dysphoria leaves me no choice.

As I said earlier I hope it is worth it all to me in the end.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #89 on: August 07, 2020, 02:50:13 pm »
I have to destroy someone’s happiness, someone I love deeply, to be happy.  It’s a pain that must be caused but is ripping me apart.  Gender dysphoria leaves me no choice.

As I said earlier I hope it is worth it all to me in the end.

Conditional happiness. It's not where anyone should be. If she's relying on you being a man for her to be happy, something's not right, you know? I know it's more obvious to me because I don't have a wife, but relationships come and go, we aren't 'supposed' to rely on someone for our happiness.

I hear more and more people realizing what healthy relationships can be, which is two happy people coming together for love and companionship, and when you love someone you want them to be themselves. Else it's a more selfish kind of love. And maybe not real love at all. That's what I think, anyway.

I hope that makes sense. I know we're different and that you're much more deeply empathic than me, but I hope you come to care for yourself so much more, Emma, I really do. You deserve it. *hug*

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #90 on: August 07, 2020, 03:37:27 pm »
Ah Sarah thank you for watching my back.

Yes I am coming at this at a different way because my wife and I are truly soul mates with 44 years of history together as a man and a woman.  44 years of an established working relationship between loving hearts.

We're absolutely not perfect and we have had some rough times in our relationship but we each, individually, have always decided to stay together because the good times were always worth it in the long run.

This is entirely different.  This is a game changer.  She was raised in Irish-American Catholic tradition with all of the morality and binary coding that comes from being raised in the 1950's and 1960's.  If you figure how successfully I buried my gender incongruence,and I am the one transgender, think of her confusion.  You have witnessed my near-obsessive self-battering as I try to process this 24/7.  How do you think she can process it any better.

I will not measure her love for me based on whether she decides to stay with me or not.  That is not fair.  It is like I said earlier, it's like asking her to get on a spaceship and asking her to leave everyone and everything behind. 

I won't use love to blackmail her.  I want her to come because she wants to be with me and can live with this massive change as well.  I can't compromise to be happy nor should she.  She has that absolute right and I respect it.

But whichever life she chooses, it won't change our love.


Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #91 on: August 07, 2020, 06:12:23 pm »
I understand that it's a drastic change for her. It would definitely be a shock. But once it wears off she has to choose what she wants out of her life, and of course I know what you mean, I'm happy that you're able to let her go if that's what she wants. If the love will always be there, then at worse you two will be there for each other in some way. Can she overcome her hurdles, or does she need time for herself. And since you care so much for her, it's hard for you to see her go through that pain, you take it on yourself as if it's your fault, and I giuess you could say if you were able to be a man any longer, you would do it for her, but the truth is you're late in your life and you've pushed it back all this time, and you can't stand to not be yourself anymore. You let the pain push you all this way, where the dysphoria just won't quit, it's trying to tell you, you're trying to tell you, it's enough, I want to be me already.

You don't deserve that pain, just like she doesn't deserve the pain either, but you've been pushed, squished, and you need to breathe. If your wife loves you, then she'll want you to live. As hard as it is to let go, she has to, even if it takes a little bit through the pain. It'll be ok.

Online EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #92 on: August 07, 2020, 06:25:10 pm »
I won't use love to blackmail her.  I want her to come because she wants to be with me and can live with this massive change as well.  I can't compromise to be happy nor should she.  She has that absolute right and I respect it.

But whichever life she chooses, it won't change our love.

Emma,
 
That is a wonderful way for you to approach this with your wife. I really hope you can work this out with her. But either way just remember that we are here for you.

Ellen

Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #93 on: August 08, 2020, 04:43:58 am »
Sarah you nailed it perfectly with:

    "You let the pain push you all this way, where the dysphoria just won't quit, it's trying to tell you, you're trying to tell you, it's enough, I want to be me already."

I have essentially reached the end of my ability to deny who and what I am.  My brain simply won't accept trying to continue as a physical male.  I need to make this change.

Ellen I hope my wife can find some peace with this reality.  I am trying desperately to do so myself.



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #94 on: August 08, 2020, 10:50:39 pm »
Thanks Danielle, as always, thanks for helping me clear my head.  It needs a lot of cleaning... :D

Randim I absolutely loved this:

      "Emma, The beatings you inflict on yourself should be reserved for the climax of Rocky movies."

I didn't know Rocky was transgender.... ;D

I am in the last round now which is what happened to me last night.  I have decided, unless medical reasons prevent it, that I am transitioning.  I have a GCS consultation at the end of September and that will be the last roadblock.

I will talk to my wife in the next few days and see what she decides...that is my true pain. :embarrassed:


Emma,

We could be getting surgery pretty close to the same time if consult dates means anything. I have a consult date a couple weeks after you do, and my therapist says I will get my second letter at my next session, in early September.
Still praying your wife comes around.

Hugs,
Confused1

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #95 on: August 09, 2020, 09:02:47 am »

Thanks Confused and I hope all goes well with you consultation and, of course, the surgery you waited life time for!

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #96 on: August 09, 2020, 09:12:02 am »
I wrote another churn for Medium.  My goal is to have a deep enough explanation of what you go through if you are transgender and driven by gender dysphoria so that others in my life have a chance to understand and maybe accept when I come out.  I also hope this helps others as well. 

Susan's' is to me a place of private sharing among true friends without any fear or mean criticism.  I will never share this with outsiders.

                                     Approaching the River Crossing

I am angry right now.

I am being forced to make a decision, to stay something I am physically but I am not mentally or be something I am not physically but I am mentally.

The bottom-line is I can change the physical much easier than I can change the mental. Science doesn't have the tools to see, identify or even understand how I can be wired female but a surgeon can make me look like one. So, logically, changing my physical gender presentation is the way to go, right?

But not so fast.

That may be logical but what about the 64 years of life and relationships that the world has known me by and the thousands of years of bigoted history that has rejected my base concept of being transgender?

According to most, I am, at a minimum, a gender aberration, at the worst, a social virus that should be eradicated.

Wow what I choices I have.

Internal peace and social rejection or social acceptance and internal hell.

I feel like two parallel trains rushing for the one single bridge crossing. The lever to select the train to cross that bridge is in my hands and I am frozen at the switch. Only one can cross. So which one?

According to Carl Jung: "The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are."

I have been told that it is important to by your "authentic self". Until four years ago I thought I was. I was so ignorant of who and what I was. Even with years of therapy and intense self-examination, I still have problems with accepting it all.

…but my life and time are limited.

Being your true authentic self means what you say in life aligns with that of your actions. … It is about being true to yourself through your thoughts, words, and actions and having these three areas match each other. For someone that is transgender also it means all of that plus changing your physical presentation and then taking on the world.

What a wonderful choice.

This forces me to accept a medical need that can't be denied and then display a massive amount of courage. So I have to either pull the switch to transition or be prepared to lay on the track and let the other train hit me.

I will take the chance that my authentic self is more valuable to me than a social facade to make the rest of the world happy. In the end, it is truly not my choice but it is my absolute need.

I hope the people I love will understand even if the world doesn't.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Online EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #97 on: August 09, 2020, 09:32:41 am »
Internal peace and social rejection or social acceptance and internal hell.

Emma

I feel your pain and understand your concern. But I honestly do not think it is as back & white as you feel it is. The world is a very gray place, blended with thoughts of all colors. There are a number of us here on this site and out in the would that have found INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

Take me for example, I am 66 and just celebrated my 39th wedding anniversary. Like you  I did not start to transition until my 60s. I have transitioned socially, at work and with my family.  I live in a small housing complex where half the people living there have know me for decades. They have no problem calling me Ellen and seeing me as just another women in the complex. I was most afraid of transitioning at work and that has  turned out to be the easiest part. As to my wife, I worked very hard courting her as Ellen, just as I did 40 years ago. I firmly believe that has helped her accept me for who i am and to strength our love for each other.

You can do this and gain both INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

With love
Ellen



Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #98 on: August 09, 2020, 10:06:22 am »
Emma,

Wishing you comfort, peace of mind, and happiness...

I am unsure if this is possible, but if you do fully come out and you find that the pain of others or the loss of others is for you too much to bear (realizing your own pain of not fully transitioning),
could you revert back to where you are at right now?  Could they then see your pain of not transitioning, but then at the same time see your great efforts and pain of not transitioning because of your love for them? 

Maybe they would then be more accepting and maybe later you could fully transition.  Yes, perhaps a totally unrealistic scenario, perhaps it is like a trial balloon, but perhaps it might be a route you could take?   Maybe not, maybe there will be no turning back for you if you go forward.

Hugs,

Chrissy



Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #99 on: August 09, 2020, 01:27:49 pm »
Chrissy I thought about that but once I make my decision I am absolutely not turning back.  That path has too much pain.

I am a very determined person and I will make no apologies for my decision.  I have so brutally torn my self apart for others, my decision comes after so much thought, caring and self-questioning, while I hate what I must do, I am doing it with an open heart.

I tried everything, so this is it.

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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