Author Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma  (Read 10397 times)

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #100 on: August 09, 2020, 04:52:08 pm »
Chrissy I thought about that but once I make my decision I am absolutely not turning back.  That path has too much pain.

I am a very determined person and I will make no apologies for my decision.  I have so brutally torn my self apart for others, my decision comes after so much thought, caring and self-questioning, while I hate what I must do, I am doing it with an open heart.

I tried everything, so this is it.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

Then go for it when it is the right time for you and hope for the best, and if they are not with you at the beginning, maybe they will come around. 

Hugs,

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #101 on: August 09, 2020, 09:39:20 pm »
 “Then go for it when it is the right time for you and hope for the best, and if they are not with you at the beginning, maybe they will come around.”

Chrissy this is the plan. I am on the edge of my final decision.  It seems pretty remote that I won’t transition but the last battle isn’t over just yet. 

I am amazingly stubborn but once past this last wall I am also amazingly committed.



Hugs

Email
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Dorit

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #102 on: August 10, 2020, 01:13:22 am »
Emma

I feel your pain and understand your concern. But I honestly do not think it is as back & white as you feel it is. The world is a very gray place, blended with thoughts of all colors. There are a number of us here on this site and out in the would that have found INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

Take me for example, I am 66 and just celebrated my 39th wedding anniversary. Like you  I did not start to transition until my 60s. I have transitioned socially, at work and with my family.  I live in a small housing complex where half the people living there have know me for decades. They have no problem calling me Ellen and seeing me as just another women in the complex. I was most afraid of transitioning at work and that has  turned out to be the easiest part. As to my wife, I worked very hard courting her as Ellen, just as I did 40 years ago. I firmly believe that has helped her accept me for who i am and to strength our love for each other.

You can do this and gain both INTERNAL PEACE and SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE.

With love
Ellen

Emma dear, I would like to add my voice of agreement with what Ellen wrote.  I realize that you are very emotional and tend to write in hyperbola, but the world is not as you describe it. I too am example that transition late in life can certainly have its challenges and rejections, but also has its joys and acceptance and even respect and admiration from others.  "We're far from the shallow now." Yes, the deep water is scary, put it is where life is!
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #103 on: August 10, 2020, 07:23:41 am »

Ellen  and Dorit I agree with you both and I have hope for my future. 

I am just afraid to go down this path with high expectations.  I am taking a pessimistic optimists view.   By setting expectations low, I hope for many unexpected positive experiences.  If I set my expectations too high, the pain will feel that much more painful.  I really don't need more pain.

I really want to be where you both are a year from now but that is so far away.  One step at a time until then.


Hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #104 on: August 10, 2020, 01:34:16 pm »
I had/have low expectations but that didnt stop me , another member of the  stubborn club!! Turned out fine .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


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Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Confused1

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #105 on: August 10, 2020, 11:04:53 pm »
Hi Emma,

The rules are changing. I just heard that on 3 airlines, United, Delta and JetBlue, they don't allow masks with the little exhale valve. If your N95s have it, you will have to buy some without the valve. Of course, they might change the rules again before you fly. I'm not too scared where I live, but I would absolutely wear an N95 on a plane.

Hugs,
Confused1

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #106 on: August 11, 2020, 06:50:18 am »
Davina you are absolutely right, be pessimistic but be stubborn.  I like your resolve.

Thank you Confused for the heads up.  The valve style protects you but exposes others to your exhale.  I ordered the Honeywell N95 without the valve in case I need to fly.   Thanks again.
« Last Edit: August 11, 2020, 08:13:15 am by Emma1017 »
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #107 on: August 11, 2020, 08:23:50 am »
OK you all get to yell at me (again ;D).  I had another bout of "Can I really do this? Do I need to do this?  Am I really a woman?", so I went on the web and queried "Are transwomen really women?"

I know I know I know just so stupid but I am still fighting my need to transition, so I am now pulling out all the stops on my self-attacks.  I probably need to transition just to shut myself up.  The surgery will end the argument.  But I figure my attacks are a last-ditch effort to convince me not to transition.

Reading the stuff on the web shows there are so many people that have to say to many mean things.  At the same time there are so many accepting and understanding people who fight back, unfortunately not enough of them are being elected to government. 

I got weary of reading the semantically nonsense that I went on YouTube and watched make-up how to's.  Helped to purge the mean muck out of my head.

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #108 on: August 11, 2020, 09:39:17 am »
Oh, Emma we never yell at you  :angel:

I firmly believe that there are more good and accepting people out in the world then there  mean people. Good and compassionate people do not go out and make millions of posts all over the Internet. IMO, only people that do not feel good about themselves go out and post men spirited comments that they no very little about. It is their way of coping.

I would suggest staying off the net (except this site :) )

Ellen

Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #109 on: August 11, 2020, 01:32:33 pm »
...
The surgery will end the argument....

I seriously hope you don't think that is true. If your head isn't in the right place, if you haven't reached self acceptance (and your words show that you clearly haven't), having a surgery will do little to bring you happiness. Surgery should be the last box you tick after all the other stuff is sorted.

This forum has lost friends who were post-op to suicide. Your body means little if your mind isn't happy.
Veteran, US Army

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #110 on: August 11, 2020, 02:45:03 pm »
Devlyn thank you for your concern and you are absolutely right.  You need to be sure in your heart and soul that surgery is what you want.

I am scheduling the consultations and will only proceed once I am confident in my need, want and desire. I am 90% certain I am.  The last 10% is 64 years of socialization, testosterone and 44 years of a loving relationship.  That last 10% is fighting hard.

I can promise you that, regardless of the outcome, I will never ever commit suicide.  I will not waste my life.  At the very least I owe it to my son who did everything he could to stay alive as he fought leukemia for 5 years.

Hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #111 on: August 11, 2020, 06:40:45 pm »
OK I posted this a year ago and I wanted to post something positive after being so dark for so long so here it is and I need to read this every day :):

                                             My Transgender Sweet Sixteen

We get to:


1) really know ourselves in a way few people do

2) find out who loves us no matter what

3) find out who our real friends are

4) get to meet new friends

5) have new social experiences

6) understand both sides of gender

7) see the world in way that few people experience

8 ) see sex in a different way

9) try on new clothes and fashions

10) use some bathroom some where

11) understand people better, with more empathy

12) finally have internal peace after a lifetime of battling

13) reinvent ourselves and the adventure of getting a fresh start

14) discover exciting physical and emotional changes

15) be accepted by others and just one of the girls or one of the boys

16) feel the sheer joy every day of just being the real you

[/i][/b]
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #112 on: August 12, 2020, 06:43:07 am »
So I have decided this morning to stop being so negative.  I think I have finally burned it out of my soul.  I need to accept the glass is half full instead of empty.

Yesterday I read Julia Serano's DEBUNKING "TRANS WOMEN ARE NOT WOMEN" ARGUEMENTS that she wrote in 2017 in MEDIUM (https://medium.com/@juliaserano/debunking-trans-women-are-not-women-arguments-85fd5ab0e19c).  It's not foolproof but close enough for me.  It made me feel better and it purged the TERF poison out of me.

I wake up every day and drive to buy the paper.  On the way I practice raising my voice and speaking at a higher pitch.  Every day I think about my gender.  Every day I am solving one more problem or reviewing my solutions to the various problems of my transitioning....

...and every day I try to convince myself I am not transitioning.  What a ridiculous waste of time and energy!   I am transgender, I am female, I am OK being a transwoman

....I actually like it.

So here's to the half full glass.  It's what dreams are made of. 


Cheers,

Emma



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #113 on: August 12, 2020, 09:56:07 am »
Glad to see you more positive ;)

There's always challenges around all this. A part of me often feels like giving up, but that's stupid, since it's not what I want XD Gotta keep looking for way forward.

Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #114 on: August 12, 2020, 10:11:02 am »
Emma,

I am so happy that you are so positive this morning. Just keep filling that glass until it is overflowing with being the WOMAN that you truly are.

Hugs

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #115 on: August 12, 2020, 02:01:36 pm »
So here's to the half full glass.  It's what dreams are made of. 

Emma, you've gone far further than I have (you're really on hormones for example), and I really hope that you've found that inner peace and accepted your trans nature.

It's just that experience with you suggests strongly to me that the issues are going to come back.

Do you focus too much on being trans, I wonder?... Just a thought. I don't know. I struggle to know how to help you.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #116 on: August 12, 2020, 02:29:34 pm »
Ellie once I commit I will have no problem with issues that may arise. I will at peace with my decision and will accept come what may.  I accept who I am, the rest is life.

Ellen I love looking forward to a full glass!

Sarah I expect any future pain to be significantly less than what I just been through. My soul will be at peace.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #117 on: August 12, 2020, 02:36:00 pm »
Ellie once I commit I will have no problem with issues that may arise. I will at peace with my decision and will accept come what may.  I accept who I am, the rest is life.

I don't understand how you are on hormones if you have not committed?

I will have to go through a 90-minute consultation with a psychologist or a psychiatrist to get a diagnosis that will eventually lead to hormones. I know this is the right path for me; my experience of life tells me that. I have taken so many steps already towards transition and I am happy that I have taken those steps, even though there are some things that I would rather were not the case. I accept that it is more difficult in the UK than in many other countries, of course...
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #118 on: August 12, 2020, 03:00:29 pm »
It’s simple Ellie, I have a wife who is my soul mate. If not for her I would have transitioned two years ago. I needed absolute certainty that this what I needed before I hurt her so severely.

I have been doing everything in steps, always challenging my resolve. My four threads here are a testament of my painfully thorough process.

I need to take the final step.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma
« Reply #119 on: August 12, 2020, 03:04:29 pm »
It’s simple Ellie, I have a wife who is my soul mate. If not for her I would have transitioned two years ago. I needed absolute certainty that this what I needed before I hurt her so severely.

I appreciate that, but were you not asked that question?

I understand that I am going to be questioned about my family among other things, and it's not until this week that I could claim comfortably that nobody in my family has a problem with me transitioning.

The need for absolute certainty that you have, and the fact that you refuse to face the obvious truth, is harming your mental health, I believe.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
Twitch streamer MusicEllie

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