Topic: Chapter 4: Becoming Emma

[Sephirah]

From a greater distance preferably!


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LOL! I petted a tiger once, as a kid. They're very... fluffy.

[Pammie]

LOL! I petted a tiger once, as a kid. They're very... fluffy.

Mm i’m going to take your word for that. Looks very very scary to me


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[davina61]

As they say, cuddle that and you will never play the piano again. Thats okay I cant play the piano anyway ----------
(bit profound for first thing on a morning !!but hope you get the analogy )

[Emma1017]

I prefer koala bears myself...

[Pammie]

I prefer koala bears myself...

Me too though i’m highly suspicious of their propensity for dropping out of trees onto peoples heads! I’m convinced the little suckers are guilty of this!


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[Emma1017]

I shared with my wife a personalized version of "The Lady or the Tiger? this morning.  My goals was full disclosure.  I didn't include the GCS consultation next week.  I may reschedule because it did its job, I laid everything on the table.

Our conversation was like walking a bull through a china shop.  Things were said carefully by both of us to not break something that was breakable.  I still need to decide the tiger or the lady once an for all but at least she knows everything.  She has not asked to see the photos.  That still gives her plausible deniability.

[Sarah-Red]

I'm glad you made that step emma. It's a big step and necessary, to put everything out there and be honest with it all really. You probably don't need to rush for the consultation, but I hope you do go for it once you sense it's time, if you do change it. Good luck here on out and remember to be true to yourself

[Emma1017]

Was that goodbye Sarah?

[Sarah-Red]

Was that goodbye Sarah?

No. It sounded like that? I'm still going to be around. Sometimes I feel like this site isn't too much help for me, but I still check once in a while. I'll still post, but I still wish for things to go well moving forward.

[Emma1017]

I think I finally realized tonight that I am Emma and that I need to transition. I have tried so hard to deny it. Even today in talking with my wife she talked of still having hope that would just go away and I shared her hope.  Yet it won’t. I keep trying to open the door with the tiger but some one locked it (Emma?) and there is only one way out unless I just want to sit there the rest of my life...a thought silly as it is.

I can never sit still.

[Sarah-Red]

It's good if you're not going to deny it more. It's odd that your wife still has a part that thinks or hopes it'll go away, but I guess denial is a way to avoid pain. You know there's no way to avoid it any longer. And she'll need to see that too, maybe it's time for the denial to go away, and make way for the right path, even if it hurts. There's good too though, and actually there can be lots. How couldn't there be, finally going there.

[davina61]

Time to show your wife Emma? or even meet ? it will have to happen sometime. Best of wishes XXXX

[Emma1017]

Sarah I'm sorry I missed your earlier post: "I feel like this site isn't too much help for me."  I truly hope you at least feel the companionship that this site provides.  Even now I feel tremendous loneliness because there are so few outlets to just talk about what you are going through.


Davina it may be time to share a photo of Emma.  Not sure and perpetually fearful.

[Emma1017]

Oh yeah Emma has locked the tigers door and the tiger has left the building....😊

[Sarah-Red]

Sarah I'm sorry I missed your earlier post: "I feel like this site isn't too much help for me."  I truly hope you at least feel the companionship that this site provides.  Even now I feel tremendous loneliness because there are so few outlets to just talk about what you are going through.

Not really, I feel like there's a lot of distance with people on this site. Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case.

Oh yeah Emma has locked the tigers door and the tiger has left the building....😊

Good

[Emma1017]

"Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case."

What's missing and in case of what?

[Sarah-Red]

"Don't really feel part of it or like there's anything meaningful for me here. I just stay a little around in case."

What's missing and in case of what?

Connection, engagement, care, understanding.

Staying in case something comes up or if I can manage to take more steps since there's people around who know more than I do.

[Emma1017]

I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it🙂 :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.

[Confused1]

I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it🙂 :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.

Emma,

You definitely have a way with words and what you write resonates with many of us. I can definitely see myself with this one. You also look beautiful as always.

Mike

[Pammie]

I wrote another churn for Medium and thought I would victimize you all with it :

                                        Thinking female and speaking male

Think of it like born in one language and raised in another.

What language do you think in? I think in female but I talk male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted.

Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Don’t want them thinking I am gay or be labeled that “weird guy”.

Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled and become eternally an outcast.

I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.

I hated it.

I felt I have been always holding back a big part of me. There was no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?

I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively so I just kept them to myself.

No one else wanted hear them anyway.

So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.

The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. Even my therapist finally heard the difference and the change even snuck up on her.

I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what was in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered by the needs of others.

So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.

I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard…finally.

And, someday, finally, they will hear……

me.

As always eloquent and emotionally persuasive - i’m fascinated what you see the main differences in language terms are between Male “language” and female “language” - i’m assuming you are not referring to pitch,inflection or emphasis but on actual content? Xx


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