Pammie I am going with O&C as the “favourite but slightly scary Aunt”, the one that you take for a stroll pushing her wheelchair to the edge of the cliff for views of the distant vistas, flirting with the temptation to push her off. Instead you roll her back to the cottage for tea and biscuits and listen to her sage advice, crankily given but heartfully taken.
O&C you even had me go and look up “perseverative” which I have learned is a collective term in psychology for continuous thinking about negative events in the past or in the future (e.g. worry, rumination and brooding, but also mind wandering about negative topics).
I totally agree and I think it was well chosen in this context.
I even like the suggestion that I will, sometime in the far distant future, be part of the natural composting cycle of the earth. Alternatively, I am not a fan of cremation but I do like a good Viking burial in a burning boat.
Fortunately, I only need to be around for my son until the end of 2021. I will be working from home and I don’t need to do Zoom meetings. During that time, I intend to continue to transition and hopefully begin 2022 with GCS surgery.
The pain I alluded to last night was a combination of my transgender frustration with an extremely active sciatic pain in both legs that I have had for over a week and a large dosage of bourbon on the rocks. I was grossly over-served…but it was a lovely evening with my wife and our dog, Duffy.
I also think some of that pain is also due to extreme virus and election fatigue and frustration. My job requires an excessive absorption and exposure to the media coverage of both.
My experience with transitioning, to the exasperation to all those who have read my thread, has been littered with my endless self-doubt and fear of inflicting pain. My perseveration has been the end result which was why I decided to stop writing.
Last night’s comment was a moment of weakness and a sense of drunken self-pity. At least it was a short moment and a quick entry.
On a lighter note, I get start facial electrolysis again next week.
Oh what fun things we transwomen get to do….

Hugs,
Emma