Author Topic: Just a few questions  (Read 302 times)

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Offline Sarah Stevenson

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Just a few questions
« on: August 23, 2020, 09:42:16 pm »
Hiya all you lovelies

 1. I am curious if any of you girls/ladies started and are still undertaking HRT but never have/had the intention to fully transition and live life fully as a female but are just happy feeling, having a body and growing breasts like a female.

2. How many of you are starting, started or are in mid transition still with their partners/wife's?

3. Did any of you like myself find it bizarre, exciting, scary and overwhelming but like it was always meant to happen when your breasts started to bud and start actually growing? Obvious question but I sure it would help others understand what to expect.

Please feel free to give your story regardless of how big or small it is. Then again feel free to just read and click the back button. Thank you.

Love Sarah

Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #1 on: August 24, 2020, 06:18:46 am »
Hi ---

1.  At first I had no intention of transitioning other than changing my hormones.  But life events, and an opening of my eyes, have now led me to socially, and legally transition.  As well I've now had an orchi and am scheduled for GCS.  So, just because you decided something at one point does not mean you can't change your mind in the future.

2.  I am still married.  We have been married now for almost 24 years and have been together for 34. 

3.  Um, it was thrilling for me to finally develop breasts!  I still am amazed by them and look down frequently!

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #2 on: August 24, 2020, 09:30:10 am »
My story is a little convoluted; I did for a time 'try' and deal with just having HRT, but now (4 years later) there is nothing to do but transistion... I'll try and explain.
So I started 'knowing' I was female about 4 years ago -was open and upfront with my wife, who told me she could not be married to a woman - Also my hormones were all over the place... The hormones got resolved by running my body on oestrogen (genetic bias to this being more appropriate, later discovered an intersex condition)
12 months after 'knowing' I was female (and sorting out the hormone issues), I entered therapy - here I discovered massive amounts of childhood trauma - was told that this needed to be resolved before I could even start to fathom what gender I was... So, wife stayed with me, we both thought there might be a 'cure' in the trauma therapy.
I worked through the therapy (it is still being worked on, still as hard - cPTSD and dissociative issues) - but a few months ago, I uncovered a near-death experience that happened to me aged 12 and all the adult dissociative issues crumbled.
Again, I now know I am 'female', this time it is very very different - my body on oestrogen is very feminine (genetics at work) and I have difficulty 'passing' as male.
So, my body has been transitioning for a while but my brain is only just catching up - living full-time as a female is the only option I have now.
My wife - well, good to her word, after 28 years of marriage is now divorcing me.

So to answer the questions.
1. I tried, really hard to do this.
2. If I had of managed #1, then I would not be divorcing now...
3. Not sure -looking in the mirror now, naked, I look very female - It just feels right? Like that is what it should be...

I am quite sure no-ones story will be the same, I am sure some people are fine living their whole life on cross-sex hormones and presenting their birth gender - for me it just proved impossible once I understood what was actually going on inside my head.. And why I would suggest good therapy to anyone with gender issues of any type.
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

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Offline Sarah Stevenson

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #3 on: August 24, 2020, 04:25:04 pm »
Hi ---

1.  At first I had no intention of transitioning other than changing my hormones.  But life events, and an opening of my eyes, have now led me to socially, and legally transition.  As well I've now had an orchi and am scheduled for GCS.  So, just because you decided something at one point does not mean you can't change your mind in the future.

2.  I am still married.  We have been married now for almost 24 years and have been together for 34. 

3.  Um, it was thrilling for me to finally develop breasts!  I still am amazed by them and look down frequently!

Hi Nadine

Thanks for taking time to reply, I am fascinated to find out about other people on the same journey that I am starting to undertake. I visited the psychologist for an update and some advice on how I can word my disclosure to her. I am so scared it’s going to break her heart in to pieces. As you know this has to be done and then she can make her decisions on the information I give to her. I am ready for the worst.

Thanks again for taking your time to reply and hopefully we will take soon.

Love Sarah


Offline Sarah Stevenson

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #4 on: August 24, 2020, 04:47:04 pm »
My story is a little convoluted; I did for a time 'try' and deal with just having HRT, but now (4 years later) there is nothing to do but transistion... I'll try and explain.
So I started 'knowing' I was female about 4 years ago -was open and upfront with my wife, who told me she could not be married to a woman - Also my hormones were all over the place... The hormones got resolved by running my body on oestrogen (genetic bias to this being more appropriate, later discovered an intersex condition)
12 months after 'knowing' I was female (and sorting out the hormone issues), I entered therapy - here I discovered massive amounts of childhood trauma - was told that this needed to be resolved before I could even start to fathom what gender I was... So, wife stayed with me, we both thought there might be a 'cure' in the trauma therapy.
I worked through the therapy (it is still being worked on, still as hard - cPTSD and dissociative issues) - but a few months ago, I uncovered a near-death experience that happened to me aged 12 and all the adult dissociative issues crumbled.
Again, I now know I am 'female', this time it is very very different - my body on oestrogen is very feminine (genetics at work) and I have difficulty 'passing' as male.
So, my body has been transitioning for a while but my brain is only just catching up - living full-time as a female is the only option I have now.
My wife - well, good to her word, after 28 years of marriage is now divorcing me.

So to answer the questions.
1. I tried, really hard to do this.
2. If I had of managed #1, then I would not be divorcing now...
3. Not sure -looking in the mirror now, naked, I look very female - It just feels right? Like that is what it should be...

I am quite sure no-ones story will be the same, I am sure some people are fine living their whole life on cross-sex hormones and presenting their birth gender - for me it just proved impossible once I understood what was actually going on inside my head.. And why I would suggest good therapy to anyone with gender issues of any type.

Hi SarahEL

Thank you also for you detailed story too, I never really came across the work “intersex” before, but now thanks to you taking time to answer my questions I have an awareness of this. I wondered why they asked for a chromosome test to be included with my base blood tests.

I am aware of everyone’s story will be different and I suppose this is what has driven me to find out more about other ‘transgender’ people and their own stories. I am so stressed at the moment knowing that I am going to have to tell my wife. I, as you have always been upfront and true full to her from the day I met her 7 yrs ago.

Thank you for been so kind in sharing.

Hopefully, we will get to talk again soon.

Love Sarah

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2020, 04:57:22 pm »
I knew all my life I was in the wrong body, but after a traumatic early life dealing with it, I was determined never to transition. I learned to manage my dysphoria by dressing privately at times and life was good. I re married in 2000 to a woman who knew I was trans, and who agreed to let me dress at home. Around 2004 my testosterone production slowed, and was unable to have sex, but still determined never to transition.

I was full time me at home, life was good, dysphoria was under control until 2017, when it started to increase. I learned ways to manage the increasing dysphoria and depression, and still determined never to transition. I got sick in Sept ‘18 and was unsuccessfully treated until March ‘19 when we decided to try HRT, and it miraculously cured my sickness.

I still didn’t want to transition, and my wife made it clear she couldn’t be married to a woman. I planned to stay on the minimum dose HRT (i didn’t need blockers) and never socially transition. After 3 months of feeling ok, I tried to reduce my dose, and immediately I became very sick. Soon I found if I didn’t increase my dose, i would get sick, and it became obvious that, despite my wishes, I would need to medically transition to survive. I came out to everybody in Sept ‘19 to unanimous support.

By Xmas, I was being misgendered regularly, so it just made sense to go full time at the start of 2000. My wife was true to her word and divorced me, but we remain living together, though in seperate bedrooms. I have my dysphoria under control, I am legally female and have GCS scheduled fo Jan 2021, and my biggest issue is that I wanted none of this. I never decided to transition, it was forced on me, and I feel I have lost control of my life. This was all inevitable despite my wishes. My only hope is to complete my transition by my 70th birthday and maybe find happiness again.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Sarah Stevenson

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2020, 05:49:11 pm »
I knew all my life I was in the wrong body, but after a traumatic early life dealing with it, I was determined never to transition. I learned to manage my dysphoria by dressing privately at times and life was good. I re married in 2000 to a woman who knew I was trans, and who agreed to let me dress at home. Around 2004 my testosterone production slowed, and was unable to have sex, but still determined never to transition.

I was full time me at home, life was good, dysphoria was under control until 2017, when it started to increase. I learned ways to manage the increasing dysphoria and depression, and still determined never to transition. I got sick in Sept ‘18 and was unsuccessfully treated until March ‘19 when we decided to try HRT, and it miraculously cured my sickness.

I still didn’t want to transition, and my wife made it clear she couldn’t be married to a woman. I planned to stay on the minimum dose HRT (i didn’t need blockers) and never socially transition. After 3 months of feeling ok, I tried to reduce my dose, and immediately I became very sick. Soon I found if I didn’t increase my dose, i would get sick, and it became obvious that, despite my wishes, I would need to medically transition to survive. I came out to everybody in Sept ‘19 to unanimous support.

By Xmas, I was being misgendered regularly, so it just made sense to go full time at the start of 2000. My wife was true to her word and divorced me, but we remain living together, though in seperate bedrooms. I have my dysphoria under control, I am legally female and have GCS scheduled fo Jan 2021, and my biggest issue is that I wanted none of this. I never decided to transition, it was forced on me, and I feel I have lost control of my life. This was all inevitable despite my wishes. My only hope is to complete my transition by my 70th birthday and maybe find happiness again.

Hugs,

Allie

Nice to meet You Allie

Your initial paragraph of your story sounds very similar to mine, "been in the wrong body", "determined not transition" and "managing my dysphoria by dressing privately". My wife has let me have "Sarah Wardrobe", but after starting hormones, the more I progress, the more I feel like myself and comfortable in who I am becoming, very early doors for me but the changes are enormous.

I did not really think of the situation as it been possibly forced upon someone, I am truly grateful for you sharing this. Having to transition to medically survive, WOW that is a big one. As much as I am terrified of the outcome, when coming out to my wife fully, I realise that I am not alone for sure and others have gone through this. I am coming out to some close friends at the weekend so at least I can gain a little support from them.

I wish you all the best with the GCS in Jan as it will soon come around and would love for you to let me know the outcome, hopefully, you can gain some control over your life back as that in itself must be so scary.

Thank you Allie for sharing this with me and as I have said to others I am always open for a chat and would love to talk again.

Love Sarah

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2020, 08:20:22 pm »
Sarah, in March of 2019, my body was shutting down non essential systems, my lungs and bronchi were swollen, I would cough until I threw up phlegm with black spots in it every hour day and night, and I had regular nose bleeds. It was a week before I had my pre admission scan to be admitted to hospital, and my then wife, children, and my GP didn’t think I would come home. I started HRT to see if it could improve my mental state, as I had given up and was welcoming death by this stage, some 8 months into this sickness.

Just a few days after starting HRT, my pre admission chest CT scan was completely normal, and I was free of symptoms. Everybody was amazed. We worked out that my determination never to transition had caused my dysphoria to go to higher levels than anyone had seen before, and my sickness was soley due to stress. Problem being I was till determined not to transition, and put everything I loved at risk. 3 months later I tried to slow my transition, and was hit hard with sickness again. This is when I realised I was no longer in control of my life, other than to end it.

The brains Gender Identity is hard wired and can’t be changed, and it uses dysphoria to realise it’s identity. By resisting for 65 years, my dysphoria had to get to extreme levels to get me to comply, and almost ended my life. My case shows that if you resist long enough, you will get to a critical point where you comply or die. Most people transition because they are uncomfortable, and in retrospect, I wish I had transitioned earlier when it was just a comfort issue. Being very strong minded took me to the brink, and I still had to comply.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline Sarah Stevenson

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2020, 10:55:17 pm »
Sarah, in March of 2019, my body was shutting down non essential systems, my lungs and bronchi were swollen, I would cough until I threw up phlegm with black spots in it every hour day and night, and I had regular nose bleeds. It was a week before I had my pre admission scan to be admitted to hospital, and my then wife, children, and my GP didn’t think I would come home. I started HRT to see if it could improve my mental state, as I had given up and was welcoming death by this stage, some 8 months into this sickness.

Just a few days after starting HRT, my pre admission chest CT scan was completely normal, and I was free of symptoms. Everybody was amazed. We worked out that my determination never to transition had caused my dysphoria to go to higher levels than anyone had seen before, and my sickness was soley due to stress. Problem being I was till determined not to transition, and put everything I loved at risk. 3 months later I tried to slow my transition, and was hit hard with sickness again. This is when I realised I was no longer in control of my life, other than to end it.

The brains Gender Identity is hard wired and can’t be changed, and it uses dysphoria to realise it’s identity. By resisting for 65 years, my dysphoria had to get to extreme levels to get me to comply, and almost ended my life. My case shows that if you resist long enough, you will get to a critical point where you comply or die. Most people transition because they are uncomfortable, and in retrospect, I wish I had transitioned earlier when it was just a comfort issue. Being very strong minded took me to the brink, and I still had to comply.

Hugs,

Allie

Bloody hell Allie, there's me thinking my problems are the worst in the world, sometimes it just makes you realise that we need to sit back and feel moments of gratitude of which I do quite regularly, there is a spot just round the corner over a beautiful valley where I live and the sun sets there at 5pm this time of year and is absolutely stunning.

Also I totally agree with you on the matter of our brains been hard wired, I have been resisting it all my life on and off and this time it is causing me so much stress that I have become a completely different person, I have become more of a recluse and that was not me, but starting to break this habit a little now. I am completely safe as my psychologist is on hand all the time to talk through any of my doubt, worries and feelings.

Also its interesting you saying about transitioning earlier, I bet 90% of people in the world wish this, I do for sure, but as I think I mentioned in a post of mine that it "was something" that you did not do where I lived in the UK as everyone knew me, even in different parts of the country. My friends and family would not have been accepting I know this for sure. So I had to continue on been who everyone thought I was.

Thanks again Allie for an insight into your life.

Love Sarah

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Just a few questions
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2020, 11:35:57 pm »
Hard wired brains aren't just what I believe, but supported by most research bodies. This is the diagram to explain it from Harvard University.

Allie


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