Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

A LONG overdue update

(1/2) > >>

Sylvia:
Hi all, it's been a while (although I do read the forums as there are a few stories I'm following. We have been through the strangest times, with the pandemic and lockdown...

Time to update on my partner's (and obviously mine) journey. It's been just over 2 years since he started the dreaded patches. And before anyone jumps on me he doesn't really care about pronouns and has no intention of changing his name (yet, anyway, I'm always aware that things can change). There is still not an ounce in my body and mind that doesn't wish this hadn't happened, and that this was all just a dream, a mistake, a temporary fetish....but it's real, it's happening, whether I like it or not.

We are still together. We are still in love. We want to stay together, whatever happens. I guess that is the most important thing. Strangely, not that much has changed really. To me he still looks more or less the same. Yes, he has boobs, he looks more feminine, but it's still him (technically her, I suppose). Maybe because he doesn't present VERY female (wouldn't be seen dead in a dress or skirt, or even a blouse, or high heels etc), still mostly wears jeans or leggings and T-shirts, maybe because he still hasn't come out to anyone but me - even our kids don't know, and STILL don't seem to have noticed anything different, maybe because there is no change of identity (see above, he's not bothered about pronouns, although HATES to be called Sir, and prefers non-binary terms), maybe that is why I've coped, and, dare I say it, accepted. If any of you remember my earlier posts, any type of acceptance was so far off the radar, I have truly amazed myself with how much I am ok with it all. I'm not repulsed, or revolted at all. He's actually quite an attractive woman!

I took him away for a couple of days this week, without the kids, to a remote hotel in the hills, which was lovely. We went out for dinner, and he was in a 'more' female mode than usual - a padded bra, more make-up than usual, a necklace, nail polish, hoop earrings...nobody batted an eyelid. It just seemed normal and natural, and he said he felt 'right', not at all self-conscious. We enjoyed the evening although my seduction efforts later were rebuffed (more on that later). We needed it, as lockdown has been hard and he's had to 'hide' to a certain extent as the kids being off school, it's not been possible to 'be themself' as much as wanted. The next day on the way home we even both went to the ladies loo together...

We found a lovely therapist - she confessed after a few sessions that she is married to a transwoman herself. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not - maybe she is too biased? She had been trying to persuade OH to come out, to change name etc, but he keeps saying it's not important, it's how he feels within that counts. We had to stop therapy since lockdown, as the kids are around and we can't do it with them in the house (Skype calls).

Lockdown - we live in Spain and it's been strict here. He works in the UK but managed to 'escape' just in time, so we have been together 24/7 for 5 months, something which never happens. We have got on well, apart from a few of the usual grumps and moans. He has also been able to do some of his work from home and we really hope this can continue long-term. It would be a HUGE change in our family life, after 12 years of commuting between countries. I tried to talk about the transition many times but to be honest, neither of us have really thought about it in the grand scheme of things. With the pandemic, it all seems so unimportant, insignificant even, compared to other things going on. It actually DOESN'T MATTER. He says he mostly doesn't even think about it.

Sex is still an issue. I want it (and I'm quite happy with 'girl sex), he doesn't. He really seems to have no desire at all. This is something we both know we need to work on. That is the main issue. I don't want to have a room-mate. I want and need a partner, in the full sense of the word. I get depressed reading on here of the couples who have stayed together as the vast majority seem to be living a celibate life. I know I'm old but I'm not ready to be an old maid yet...

So, if any wives or partners are reading, please give it time. I was so devastated when I found out my partner was trans, there was no way IN THE WORLD I could stay in the relationship or accept it, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be (I think the androgynous choice of look does help. not sure I'd be as accepting if there were frills and dresses and flouncing going on). Maybe those of you who have wives who are not happy could consider the 'halfway look' (he's not non-binary, he says he definitely IS a woman, but more a tomboy kind), and it may not be so bad. I still love him/her and am genuinely happy for him/her that they have found what makes them happy and feel whole.

Love to all xxx



Devlyn:
Nice to hear from you, Sylvia.  :)

Hugs, Devlyn

Maid Marion:
Hi Sylvia,

Thanks for sharing. 

I've found it best to talk about your needs to see if  you can come up with a compromise that is acceptable to the both of you.

Marion

RandiL:
Sylvia, I'm glad to read your update. I'm encouraged that you seem to be accepting your partner's needs. My wife and I continue to be mostly ok, especially with the help of therapy which we're able to continue over Skype. Like you, she wants me to be whole, and we love each other very much and love to do things together. But her acceptance of any further changes which I may need is uncertain. The androgynous look sounds like a helpful compromise.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

randim:
Hi Sylvia,

Just want to say thanks in a general sense for the kindness you are showing the trans woman in your life.  You have been placed in an extremely difficult position and seem to be handling it with generous amounts of love and grace.  That is not always the case, and your partner is quite lucky. It does sound like she still has a lot of experimenting to do, but clearly she is not strongly driven to achieve a high-femme look.  As you note, that may end up working out well for all parties. I hope you can work your issues out and continue to be happy together into the future.















Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

Go to full version