Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

Could use some encouragement

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My husband of 12 years (we've been together 17) recently came out to me as trangender. He's actually very confused (and has started to see a therapist) and says that he likes his body and being a man, but also that he wishes he was a woman and experiences dysphoroa sometimes. No changes to pronouns yet. Maybe he's nonbinary, but also, he has so much shame wrapped up this that I think he could be a very, very repressed woman.

I am terrified for the future. My therapist suggested I might be encouraged by the examples of couples who have made through transition but the examples I am finding seem to confirm one of the fears I already have -that we'll be able to live as friends but not lovers. I keep trying to imagine my partner as a woman and I feel repulsed. Then I feel horrible and guilty for feeling that way.

I have spent 17 years building a life I love and want and have two young children. Both divorce and being married to a woman feel equally devastating. It feels like no matter what happens from this point forward, I will be unhappy in life. I know that my husband needs to explore himself and live openly and honestly in order to be happy. I guess if one of us has to live a life that makes them miserable, it might as well be me, but it is really depressing to have no hope for the future.

I guess I am looking for other straight partners whose partners have transitioned to the same sex and who have been able to have a truly happy successful relation that includes sex (and not polyamory, which is not an option for us). Is it possible? Or do I need to just accept that my marriage is basically over and I can hope for friendship at best?

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Hi mamatree, welcome to Susan's Place!

Here's your encouragement: This can work.  :)

What it takes is open and honest communication. Brutal honesty. I'm wondering if you've said everything you just told us to your partner? Because everything that both of you are feeling needs to be put on the table. All of it, positive and negative.

We understand that this is a real twist to everything you knew about your life so far. Most of the people here took years, or decades to come to terms with this internally. We know that it can a very long time to process this and come to terms with it as well. A lot of people seem surprised that once they come out to their partner, the relationship isn't back on an even keel once the shock is over. That's a bit of wistful thinking.

We all support you, and your partner, and will open our hearts and souls to you to try to get you and your relationship through what is sure to be an extremely difficult time.

Here's our standard welcome pamphlet to help you use the site. I'm going to put a Significant Other badge on your profile as well. See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

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Northern Star Girl:
Dear Mamatree:
I see that our lovely member @Devlyn has already Officially Welcomed you but please allow me to also  WELCOME you TO SUSAN'S PLACE.   You will find this a friendly, helpful and accepting place to share your successes, failures and frustrations as you are on your transition journey. 
Here, as you get involved in the Forums, you will find subjects and members that can identify with your concerns.  You may even make some new friends here.

Be certain to look over the LINKS at the end of Devlyn's Welcome Message reply that she just sent to you.   There you will find IMPORTANT information about this site that will help you to safely navigate and to utilize this site effectively.

Again, wishing you a warm WELCOME !!!!  I am looking forward to seeing you around the Forums.

Northern Star Girl:
Dear mamatree:

OH, another thing....  Please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to briefly tell more members about yourself!
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and others the thread back so that the conversation can continue.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle         cc: @Devlyn

Maid Marion:
Hi Mamatree,

Everyone is different.  Some more than others. 

I consider myself TG and told my partner, but never went on HRT or had any surgery.
Like your husband, I'm OK with my body as it is.  I'm 5' 3" petite hourglass.
I have a feminine voice and mannerisms.  I also have a large collection of tools and have learned to use them.
Though I've stopped collecting new tools in favor of buying new clothes.   ;D



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