Community Conversation > Significant Others talk

Could use some encouragement

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Birdie on a Wire:
Hi MommaTree...
First, I know you're feeling scared, uncertain and like you've been thrust into some sort of alternate reality.  I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and I can almost guarantee your spouse is feeling horrible for being the one who brought this in to your marriage.  Big hugs to you both.


--- Quote from: mamatree on August 03, 2020, 08:56:59 am ---I keep trying to imagine my partner as a woman and I feel repulsed. Then I feel horrible and guilty for feeling that way.

Both divorce and being married to a woman feel equally devastating.
--- End quote ---
I'm curious what it is about imagining your partner as woman that has you feeling that way. Is it you don't think they will pass as a woman? Is it imagining physical contact with your spouse as a woman? Is it being seen by others in a relationship with a woman? None of that? All of that?  Perhaps it's something to explore with your therapist and see if it is something that is just now a knee-jerk reaction. Perhaps there is a way to overcome that feeling.



--- Quote from: mamatree on August 03, 2020, 08:56:59 am ---I guess if one of us has to live a life that makes them miserable, it might as well be me, but it is really depressing to have no hope for the future.
--- End quote ---
This statement really stuck out for me and I feel the need to snatch you up into a big hug and say, "No.  No, that is not true at all. You have every right to be happy and secure and fulfilled in your relationship as does your husband. 


--- Quote from: mamatree on August 03, 2020, 08:56:59 am ---I guess I am looking for other straight partners whose partners have transitioned to the same sex and who have been able to have a truly happy successful relation that includes sex (and not polyamory, which is not an option for us). Is it possible? Or do I need to just accept that my marriage is basically over and I can hope for friendship at best?

--- End quote ---
So the good news...
I came out as transgender to my spouse about a year and half ago and have been on hormones for two months. We're happier now than we have ever been in our 12yrs together. We're closer and have a stronger connection than ever.  And not to get into the details but our sex life has actually been better than it was before. 

A marriage can survive this... YOUR marriage CAN survive this. From what you describe it sounds like you have a strong foundation so that's a plus for you two. 

Best wishes to you and yours.

RandiL:
Wow, so many parallels to my own marriage. A couple of thoughts in addition to the many good thoughts already on here...

You are each entitled to your own feelings. If you feel bad, that's ok and your partner should be able to acknowledge and support you through it, even if it seems like their fault.

Perhaps you can get past your revulsion at your partner as a woman by just focussing on them, the person you've always loved? One person's wife here said she's not a (lesbian) homosexual, she's a "Kathysexual". Meaning that although not attracted to women in general, she remans attracted to her partner.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Sylvia:
Hi Mamatree, a bit late seeing this but I am the female partner of a MTF transitioner. He (still uses male pronouns) has been on E for over 2 years now, has feminised quite a lot, has breasts etc but he isn't out. No one knows. Our kids don't know. No one has questioned why he wears nail polish and macara, not even our kids...

Like you, I was devastated and thought it was the end of my world. But it wasn't and isn't. What you said
--- Quote from: mamatree on August 03, 2020, 08:56:59 am ---
 I guess if one of us has to live a life that makes them miserable, it might as well be me, but it is really depressing to have no hope for the future.



--- End quote ---
- this was me 3 years ago (when I first found out). But we are ok - so far at least. Still in love, still together and I'm not as repulsed as I thought I would be. In fact I'm the one who wants to be intimate but he doesn't. But that is another matter for another post!

The way I saw it was to see how things go and not make any rash decisions. 3 years ago I'd never have thought we'd be where we are now. He isn't overly female, and hasn't changed names or pronouns, so I guess that helps. It's not a compromise, as he really doesn't want to be high femme, so likes the andro look. I can live with it too.

Don't get me wrong, there isn't a day goes by when I don't wish this hadn't happened, but I am accepting it now, and see he's much happier in himself (still a long way to go on that though), and I'm not as unhappy as I thought I would be. We have a pretty good life, lots of fun together, lots of love and cuddles.

The key has always been honesty and communication. That was the big failure at the beginning. He didn't tell me anything - I found out - and he did lots of things behind my back. It's taken a long time to rebuild the trust - it's still not there completely. I think your husband has a long way to go to find where on the trans spectrum he is - and I strongly believe there is a very wide spectrum - and it could be painful for you both.

Feel free to PM me and wishing you lots of love.

Syl

mid-life wife:
Mamatree,

Please don’t give up trying to make your relationship work. I know you’re looking for straight partners of people who have transitioned, but I’m adding my voice here because my view might still be relevant...

My husband is like yours in that he suffers from dysphoria and identifies as male and uses male pronouns. He sees a therapist, but is doing more work on his childhood and family dysfunction than on gender identity issues. He appears to be uninterested in transitioning or doing anything beyond talking to a therapist. We’ve been living this way for several years now and although I’m coming close to giving up, that’s because we don’t have a close relationship like yours.

The fact that you two communicate a lot and have that warm relationship can be a great foundation for coming through any adjustments stronger. If you can still talk while raising kids, you’re likely to be able to talk through other life transitions. It sounds like you trust him and he’s a truly good partner and parent, so that’s another point in favor of trying to make the marriage work.

The shock of finding out about my husband’s dysphoria gave me a sense of panic and made me feel that I needed to do something, take some sort of action. Staying with him while he’s finally opening up and exploring feelings has been an adjustment, but once I thought about what was important to me, it made staying less difficult. My thinking was this: if I leave I might regret not trying to make the relationship work (we had been married a bit longer than you — about 20 years.) So, my advice is pretty standard here: try to put aside any shock or panic and consider what’s important to you. Taking time to think about your priorities is going to help you in whatever transition you encounter or choose.

In terms of being worried about being repulsed by your partner’s body as he transitions, I’d guess that the feelings will have more to do with care you both take in listening to and responding to each other’s emotional and sexual needs. I’m not a good person to address that aspect— my husband has never appeared to have a sex drive, and that’s one of the things that makes me think about giving up on the marriage. It sounds like your relationship is better, so I’m happy for you and want you to realize what you have.

I’m sorry this is sort of late and terse.  I’m trying to balance honesty with encouragement as well as with some of the more raw emotions, so I can be quite stilted as I write.

Let me know if you’d like to communicate through messages.

You have my wishes for peace and love,
mlw

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