Author Topic: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)  (Read 3195 times)

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Offline glamtran

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Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« on: August 03, 2020, 12:17:25 pm »
Hey everyone! It has been YEARS since I posted here and it is nice to be back! I was quite active on here about 10-15 years ago when I was an awkward pre op teen making my first steps in transition. I was so blessed to have you all to provide wisdom and really the only escape and hope I had while living with my parents and trying to survive school.

Since then, I’ve graduated with a business degree, and had SRS in Montreal in 2012. I guess I’m struggling. I thought I’d be a little more socially established at this point but that’s not the case at all and I fear it’s getting worse as I age. I’m single, and I consider myself straight and attracted to straight men. I don’t want children.

First, let’s talk friendships. I do have them. But in my 30s most peers are settling down, having kids, planning weddings, going on trips with their SO, working. You name it. Friends just aren’t as available anymore. I’ve tried to make new ones, but I find myself lost in a group of women talking about husbands, babies, and pregnancies. That gets old and awkward pretty darn fast. So I turned back to my local LGBT community. I used to be very active in support groups when I was pre op but honestly I felt I had “grown out” of them. I met some great people who I still talk to but I find my local trans community very skewed towards the LGB side of things and also very much about providing resources to pre op, mostly very young transitioners. I did some volunteering but again I found that I didn’t find it very relevant to my needs and I’ve never been the activist type.

Then there’s dating. I’ve only been in a couple of very short term relationships and none of them were really enjoyable. It’s awful being a straight trans woman trying to find a man. I like the alpha manly man type and guys like that can be really mean. It doesn’t matter that I am passable, educated, have a good job, my own place, etc. I come out to people im interested in after a bit and automatically I’m rejected or just seen as a bucket list fantasy. Very rarely do I even get to the point where I can have a decent conversation with anyone. Also, I don’t like children (Or the potential drama) and so dating a man with kids is not an option for me. That can get messy. And the older you get, more and more single men will have kids. So I really can’t catch a break here. And I’d say about 90% of trans people I know are attracted to the same gender they present as. So of course a cis gay man or lesbian will naturally be more open minded and would be more inclined to date a trans person. I don’t get that luxury and my friends can’t relate to me. And it’s all tied together because less friends who are busier means I go out less so there’s less chance to meet men and women. It was much easier in my early to mid 20s.

I’ve been single for 5 years this summer and last night one of my cis friends told me “well you can’t be alone forever”. I’d like to see her go through the wrong puberty for years and see how she does. But it still hurts and my whole social situation is very isolating, even before COVID. I have tried various things - sports teams, volunteering, board game nights, getting in touch with people from my past, art classes, went back to school for a bit. It helped to a point but not as much as I thought. Not really much more I can do though right? Look at my interests and go with it. I’m hoping SOMEONE out there can relate?! Maybe it’s hitting me more because during these times my solutions are limited since most people are still staying home. Or because of my friends triggering comment? I don’t know. Either way, thanks for reading!

Offline AllieSF

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2020, 02:47:41 pm »
Hi Glam,

I am in a somewhat similar position.  The differences are that I transitioned starting at age 60 and am now post op, except for that important one down below, at age 73.  I also am looking for a woman for me, unless fate happens!  I just want a relationship that lasts and is close, including whatever sexual intimacy we can get.  I am very extroverted and have no problem talking to any stranger in any situation.  I am open and sometimes direct, maybe too direct.  I am needy of that relationship and maybe it shows.

I am currently on 3 of those "Swipe right if she's right or left to forget" sites. That is another type of experience in itself!  However, I am now talking to one long distance who travels to the area occasionally, so, who knows what will happen there.  I was talking to one somewhat local and then I must have swiped left unintentionally, so that connection is lost until it may pop up again in the future! 

Recommendations for you??  Live your life as best you can, put yourself in situations where you continually meet new people and actually get to chat with them.  Remember small chats can lead to some really deep conversations with anyone and are worth the effort.  I have my expensive morning coffee everyday at my local coffee shop.  I meet all kinds of people, some of whom I now consider friends.  Once you have some good friends then you can possibly network off of them.

Once you get to meet someone to date, then a lot of other important things need to be considered to be successful.  We are already coming in with a handicap that may be obvious, me, or maybe needs a special moment to share with a potential long term partner, you.  Then it boils down to his and your own personalities.  Are you compatible, do both of you really like or maybe love the other and all the rest of that stuff that makes or breaks a relationship.

We need to be extra persistent, always looking, at least in the back of our minds, and also not looking and just living life as best we can among others.  I do think that the best recommendation is to have that one or maybe two groups of friends with whom you can have fun and truly enjoy each other as friends and also hopefully lead you into situations where you meet someone special.  Meeting someone from your core group or through them should not be the priority there, just friendship and good times.

You can try a dating site, free or paid, or some type of meet up group to give you new opportunities to meet people.  The dating sites require a lot of patience and a thick skin to weed out the "I want to have sex" members and find some "I want a relationship" ones.  Then you get to weed them out and get rid of those that want cis only women.  That little slice of the dating pie is extremely small.  So, patience and luck will help a lot.

Good luck and keep being you as best you can.  You are a great woman and a great person and be proud of all that you have accomplished.  That inner strength helps so much.

Hugs,

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline Rakel

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2020, 07:56:02 pm »
Good evening glamtran,

I noticed that this is your first post here with this name. You mentioned that you were a member previously. Do you remember the name you used years ago? Susan allows only one membership per person. If we can find it, we could reactivate it or combine it into one membership under the name you prefer to use.

Things are a little different now. All new members get a welcome packet with links to important items such as the Terms of Service and other FAQ. I will post those links below.

Getting back to your personal issues. Welcome to the real world all women must deal with. Finding the perfect mate is a real challenge and to be honest, most of us just settle for someone who is almost perfect;D

All personal relationships are very complex and I am no expert in this field. I wish you the best and you never know when the one you want comes along.


Welcome packet links:

Things that you should read






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Offline Erika_

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2020, 10:19:59 am »
Well I might know a few things that can help, also if you're in the Calgary area I might be able to set you up with someone.

A good first step is to go where the guys are, I've found that guys hang around stores and shops related to their hobbies. A model train store has plenty of guys, so do car shows [a personal favorite meeting place of mine]

I'm not so sure about what's happening bar dating wise with covid, since I'm in a relationship now and I also don't care to go to a bar alone.

Offline glamtran

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2020, 11:04:14 am »
I’m in Edmonton actually lol but close.

Offline EllenJ2003

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #5 on: August 15, 2020, 06:07:39 pm »
I'm pretty much in the same situation as you glamtran.  I had my SRS in late 2003, and it's been hard at best to have a meaningful relationship - especially since I'm also hetero.  In my personal life, I work long hours as a Quality Engineer, and as a result, don't have many social opportunities, time, or energy to do the dating thing anymore.  As it is, men in general, unless they're VERY secure in their masculinity, have a tendency to have self doubt about us ("am I being gay if I have a relationship with you?") - especially if you don't want to go out with one, who is a weenie (like Les Nessman on the old "WKRP in Cincinatti" TV show).  This at the very least, makes them have the tendency to shy away from us, and in more than a few cases get downright nasty.

Throw in the fact that due to a lack of resources, money and family support (I came out to my parents as a 15 year old in 1978, and got nothing but hostility from them until just a few weeks before my SRS in 2003 [my brother and sister still really don't want much to do with me]), I wasn't able to have my SRS until I was 40 years old (even then, I put myself into some serious debt to pull it off - but I'd do it again in a heartbeat), an age when finding dates in general, really starts to get hard.  At my current age (just shy of 57), most single men my age (I prefer dating men who are within a few years of my age) are often unmarried because they're creeps who were divorced for good reason, or they're confirmed bachelors, who really have no desire for a serious relationship. 

As a result, these two issues, I've only pursued dating in a very low key manner.  I really don't get involved with the LBGT community anymore.  I haven't since at least early 2003, when I realized that it had become IMO, mainly LBG oriented, and really didn't fit me as a straight woman (I wasn't surprised at the time, that it had evolved to that state - back in early 1999 [a couple of months after I started transitioning], I came to realize from my interactions in a local TS/TV group, that I was very much in the minority by being hetero, since almost all of them professed to be gay [yes, I knew quite a few FTMs who stated they were gay], bi, or lesbian).  So, with my limited time and energy, I get my social fix, playing guitar in a local church band (which hasn't happened since late March, due to ye olde Covid).  I also have hobbies to keep my free time occupied, and I do have friends (both from work, and online).

Unlike you, I do wish I could have had children (adopted, or step-children), despite the hassles that can come from having them, but at my age, that's not happening.  Oh well.

Good luck glamtrans.  From my own limited experience all I can say, is keep keeping on.  Just a wild thought from me -  it seems that most long term relationships don't happen from going on a blind date, joining a dating website, or using a dating service, but from getting to know somebody over time as a person, before you even consider dating, the problem with me is have opportunities for interaction with single guys I like, who are my age, where we can really get to know each other before dating (though, having the opportunity does not guarantee that things will work out).
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Offline Zumbagirl

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #6 on: August 17, 2020, 09:36:32 am »
I think you are experiencing the same problem that a lot of single people experience in their life. They hit a certain age and all of their friends are getting married and starting families and there you are looking at all of this and thinking "what am I burnt toast?".

My advice is the life that people like us live is going to be different than anyone else. You have to accept that because that's what it is. Not better just different. You are going to need to learn a different set of life skills, new friends, new hobbies, pets, etc. Can you find someone to love you unconditionally? Certainly, don't stop looking if that's what you want, but realize you are coming with the baggage of the past. Do you lie or tell the truth when it comes to someone you want to spend your life with? That's a question only you can answer.

But a dog or a cat seems like a far easier solution.

Offline JanePlain

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #7 on: August 31, 2020, 06:37:34 pm »
Don't give up. I think covid makes starting a relationship 100x more difficult but it can (has) happened long distance and neither of us was really looking.

"This world is but canvas to our imaginations.
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Offline Theda

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #8 on: March 03, 2021, 04:49:04 pm »
True, Covid is not making these things easier...

Offline warlockmaker

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2021, 07:01:26 am »
Looking for companionship, looking for love, time is passing so fast. This is the life of  every single female over 30+. Its not trans but really part of life. Im a straight trans female,, that was my plan, becaise I was a straight male. I placed myself in this box of expectations. Then I found that love, companionship has no gender. Today, I have a wonderful lady who makes me happy, I wasnt looking for anything. Be patient, when we are desperate we are not attractive.
When we first start our journey the perception and moral values all dramatically change in wonderment. As we evolve further it all becomes normal again but the journey has changed us forever.

SRS January 21st,  2558 (Buddhist calander), 2015

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2021, 09:26:02 am »
@glamtran,

Good luck in finding a good relationship, do not give up.

I hope you find this type of happiness.  Please let us know when you have.   :)

Hugs,

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

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Offline Lady Sarah

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #11 on: March 09, 2021, 08:41:48 pm »
All hope is not lost if you have patience.

After leaving a violent ex at the age of 28, I was scared to get involved for another 20 years. When I finally decided to look for someone, I hit the dating sites. I sure wasn't going to wish for a shot with the local guys, considering this is a rural area and everyone knows everybody. It took almost a year and a half of weeding out scammers, catfish, and perverts before finding a guy willing to be with me... and that I was willing to give a chance.

That was five and a half years ago, and we are still together.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Maybe don't go after the super macho tough guys, too. A lot of guys just want companionship... someone to come home to. Many feel pressured to have kids, but don't really want them. Your being infertile may be a great excuse for not making babies. While you might tell him you are trans, be sure to tell him nobody else needs to know. He will feel better that you won't be advertising that fact to the neighbors. Most guys think that if you tell him, you are telling everyone, unless you tell him otherwise  at that time. And then, some guys just don't care.
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Offline Angelaney

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #12 on: March 10, 2021, 01:01:22 pm »
It’s awful being a straight trans woman trying to find a man. I like the alpha manly man type and guys like that can be really mean.

You're not describing "alpha" you're describing "bad boy".


Offline Jenni87

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2021, 12:53:33 pm »
I've had a similar experience in my life. I've got a good and well respected career, I own my own home, I have an independent life with lots of sport focused hobbies, im in good athletic shape, I have a group of close friends who I love, and I pass very well these days (well enough to accidentally become friends with some super transphobic people which has been incredibly uncomfortable). Despite trying dating constantly for many many years in varying different styles and with varying levels of effort I have been endlessly single.

Every single person I've talked to, with the exception of 1, has decided "no" as soon as I tell them im trans, and the 1 who went on two dates with me ghosted me afterwards for the obvious reason that he just wasn't comfortable with it. This was almost 6 years ago now.

Over the past couple of years the constant loneliness and rejections have eroded away at my self confidence and worth significantly and my sex drive is almost non existent. I would love to have, and to have had, a partner to share my life with but the grim reality that I've accepted is that people (outside of the LGB community) just don't want us when they could have "the real thing" instead. I no longer put myself out there in any way, Ive let myself get lost completely in my hobbies and no longer view myself as even being entirely human anymore. I am apart form the human world, the human experience isn't mine and I am not allowed or deserving to be a part of it. This doesn't make me sad as it used to, I no longer spend days crying and thinking of suicide, its just my life and I find enjoyment where I can.

Offline sarahc

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2021, 07:06:03 pm »
@Jenni87

Thank you for your honest telling of your experience. I just had my GCS, but I fear the same fate as you have experienced: tons of friends, everything in life mostly going great, but no ability to attract someone romantically. Much of my fears are due to the fact that I’m 48 years old, and although I pass well, so many people where I live know that I’m trans. If only I was 28, I think the situation would be very different.

I’d be interested to know what types of things you did to try to get first dates: online dating? People you meet? Did you ask people out? Have you tried lots of different avenues and nothing has worked?

Also, do you live in a progressive or conservative part of your country? (I think you live in the UK?)

Sarah

I've had a similar experience in my life. I've got a good and well respected career, I own my own home, I have an independent life with lots of sport focused hobbies, im in good athletic shape, I have a group of close friends who I love, and I pass very well these days (well enough to accidentally become friends with some super transphobic people which has been incredibly uncomfortable). Despite trying dating constantly for many many years in varying different styles and with varying levels of effort I have been endlessly single.

Every single person I've talked to, with the exception of 1, has decided "no" as soon as I tell them im trans, and the 1 who went on two dates with me ghosted me afterwards for the obvious reason that he just wasn't comfortable with it. This was almost 6 years ago now.

Over the past couple of years the constant loneliness and rejections have eroded away at my self confidence and worth significantly and my sex drive is almost non existent. I would love to have, and to have had, a partner to share my life with but the grim reality that I've accepted is that people (outside of the LGB community) just don't want us when they could have "the real thing" instead. I no longer put myself out there in any way, Ive let myself get lost completely in my hobbies and no longer view myself as even being entirely human anymore. I am apart form the human world, the human experience isn't mine and I am not allowed or deserving to be a part of it. This doesn't make me sad as it used to, I no longer spend days crying and thinking of suicide, its just my life and I find enjoyment where I can.
----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline warlockmaker

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #15 on: March 15, 2021, 12:21:22 am »
I am taken aback by the experiences described. From my experience, and those of my tg friends in USA and Australia their experiences have been very positive. One is now married.

I am an eurasian and live in Bangkok, here we are fully intergrated. Yes, there are those that cannot accept but they are in the minority. The loss of self confidence must be devastating. Remember for each one of us there is someone out there.
When we first start our journey the perception and moral values all dramatically change in wonderment. As we evolve further it all becomes normal again but the journey has changed us forever.

SRS January 21st,  2558 (Buddhist calander), 2015

Offline Jenni87

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2021, 02:56:06 am »
@Jenni87

Thank you for your honest telling of your experience. I just had my GCS, but I fear the same fate as you have experienced: tons of friends, everything in life mostly going great, but no ability to attract someone romantically. Much of my fears are due to the fact that I’m 48 years old, and although I pass well, so many people where I live know that I’m trans. If only I was 28, I think the situation would be very different.

I’d be interested to know what types of things you did to try to get first dates: online dating? People you meet? Did you ask people out? Have you tried lots of different avenues and nothing has worked?

Also, do you live in a progressive or conservative part of your country? (I think you live in the UK?)

Sarah

No problem, I'm happy to put my honest experience out there. I wouldn't get too caught up on age, I was post op at 28 after beginning my transition years earlier of course and you've read my experience.

I tried online dating, meeting people at parties, meeting people at bars, meeting people through groups, meeting people at work, and I initiated things as well in some of these. I have lived across Europe and did once live in the UK, I currently live elsewhere in Europe. I've tried in all the places I've lived, and most of these areas in which I've lived would be thought of as a good place to try dating as a trans person. I don't openly tell people im trans unless I become close friends with them and a question arises where I would have to lie in order to hide it, and when I tell people its always been met with disbelief so im confident in my passing ability. I haven't written off the remote possibility that something may happen with someone one day but I wouldn't gamble on it. I've found the years post op more to be a journey to the acceptance of a life of being alone, and getting over the heartbreaking sorrow and sadness to a place where it is just simple fact.

If I was going to give any advice it would be that the sadness will get much worse and then eventually pass; as people always say, and it never seems to be true in the moment of your misery until one day it finally is. Enjoy time with your friends, and don't wait to do any activity or adventure you want to do with someone as that day may never come. Just live in the moment as you are because the past is gone and the future you want may well never come.

Offline Rachel

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #17 on: April 10, 2021, 01:05:33 pm »
Hi, I am very much apprehensive about getting into another LTR. I am divorced.

 I have a circle of friends and we meet on Friday nights. We have parties and we are extreme poly. So my desires are in check. I enjoy dominant males, a lot. I have been approached by a lot of females but I really have no interest and decline, nicely. My female friends are extreme poly and bi and really pretty. They are a really nice group of people. It is like a stage and we are in a play with a lot of extras performing roles.

 I just rejoined my gym and that too is a social activity. I want to add in yoga classes as something new. I may at some point rejoin spin, not now. Wearing a mask and spinning does not mix for me.

Work is very social and we are planning to have in person meetings very soon, that is so exciting. Work is 90% female but I work in a mostly male department.

I shoot firearms and have a circle of friends. I have not shot for a year but that will change soon. I also, have a muscle car and there are 2/month meetups that are starting back up. Plus there are car shows. I really want a corvette and I found one that needs restoration fro $1,000. Maybe I will get that.

I am thin and restarting my workout routine. I love to lift and do HIIT. I am also going with my natural hair color now. My voice is ok and getting better. I am post FemLar. Hair is good. Body is good. I am pleasant looking. I finally have my PTSD pretty much 100% behind me (what a pain that was). Suicidal ideation is very low and severe episodes are rare. So I have to say I am the reason I am not with a guy.

There are a lot of guys that say hello to me at work but I just smile and say high. I do not follow up and I really think it is because relationships are hard, messy and take a lot of work. Add in some added issues and social stigma of being trans and I really think putting myself out to not get a response or having a negative response is something not worth the effort. In reality being rejected hurts and putting myself out there is a risk of being hurt.

I think about relationships and do I want to be in one? For me right now I am warming up to the idea.

I know woman that are absolutely beautiful and guys want to be with them sexually. However, they do not want more than that. The woman are lonely and desire more. I know a woman that could be a model and is part of my Friday social circle because she is tired of being alone. She is in her early 20's.

I am sorry I could not be of more help.

Rachel



MTF in need of help link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,133631.1980.html
MTF in need of help 2 link https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,251825.0.html
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Dr. McGinn vaginal revision 2 4-3-2019 Bottom of vagina closed off, fat injected into the labia and urethra repositioned.
Dr. Thomas FemLar 10/13/2020
Dr. Thomas laser vocal procedure 2/17/2021

Offline Pammie

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #18 on: April 10, 2021, 01:48:27 pm »
Im still pre-op so probably I shouldn’t comment but I just wanted to say there is always hope. I have a long term boyfriend who is amazing, understanding and supportive and we both look forward to the day when im post op but enjoy an active sex life already.
I figure If I can do it (im 60 now but met Andy when I was 57) then anyone can. Finding love is always a lottery I think - cis or trans


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Offline Idontknowbutiwould

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Re: Post op life as a straight woman - HELP! (Long post)
« Reply #19 on: April 22, 2021, 07:22:52 pm »
When I was a teenager, I had many illusions regarding my sexual reassignment surgery. Put on nice lingerie, not hide anything from any boy, undress quietly, have sex without worrying about being discovered, go to the beach or the pool. 10 days after my surgery, I met my boyfriend. He didn't know anything. on our first date we bathed in the sea, I felt so free at last naked in front of a man in the sea water. I felt like the owner of my sexuality, not a slave to it. On our second date we had sex, a lot of sex. A serious mistake. My recovery was going very well, my surgery had been a success but my stitches broke, they had to re-suture me. I had to tell the truth to that boy, despite being the typical boy who may seem "bad" he took care of me as much as he could in my recovery, he saw me as a woman, when my new sutures fell off after about a month I had sex with him. even though they told me to wait 3 months. I haven't stopped having sex with him. I have felt totally free with a masculine man
18 years old.

2008: Put a wig on primary school
2014: Coming out to my family
2016: Puberty blockers
2017: Real life experience
2018: Breast augmentation with paternal consent
2019: Identity document changed
2020: Getting my SRS and FFS? I hope

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