Author Topic: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)  (Read 780 times)

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Offline Steph1967

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Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« on: August 05, 2020, 03:23:32 pm »
So this is most likely not going to go over well but here it goes:

So I am a 53 year old that knew something was different about me when I was in 3rd grade.  When my friends and i played dress up i always dressed as the girl and when I got older I use to dress in my moms cloths and wore her makeup which I am still not good at and when I was in 8th grade I realized I was into boys and knowing my family I knew I had to hide. 

I played the straight game for years with the occasional being with boys and always having a stash of women's cloths that I can put on.  When I got older and went to college I still hid but found myself still hooking up with men but going out of town to do it and dressing as a woman.  Feeling pressure from my family I got married for a short amount of time where she let me be me but had to make it a game and make it feel like it was her idea but after awhile she knew it was no longer a game and we divorced.  Then a few years past and did it again by getting married but this time my wife at the time enjoyed dressing me up and going out and hitting on men and bringing them home but the longer it went on she was getting jealous because I was sleeping with men and not her so we got divorced.

So in 2006 I tried therapy but was not hearing what I wanted to hear so I stopped and just started doing things on my own with just a few friends knowing and trying to hide it from work.  I wanted to do HRT treatments but I did not want to deal with doctors, I could not live as a woman for a year in my career and be taken seriously and I really could not afford changing my career so I started taking Purafem and then I moved onto Raw Ovarian Glandular pills, Saw Palmetto, Wild Yam, Blessed Thistle and a few other things but it was doing what I wanted it to do and have been doing this for about 5 years now and I have really not had any side affects except an enlarged prostate and side boob. 

Things were going well my chest was getting bigger, and my penis shrank in half so I was happy but my chest was taking forever and I did not want to do a breast augmentation because I did not want to keep changing them out every 10 years or so, so I started using a breast pump which is working but kind over did that because i went to big to fast now I am a tad bruised. 

I do have some really good friends and they are here for me but I know I am getting to a point I will be found out and will need to be making some big changes. Family and work still does not know but the way things are looking it won't be long before they do.

I am Stephanie to my friends and dress up when I can so things are way better than they were 14 years ago and I am looking for better every year from now on. 
« Last Edit: August 05, 2020, 04:01:44 pm by Northern Star Girl »

Offline Meghan

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2020, 03:34:31 pm »
There are no wrong way or right way to transition and everyone are different. There are no manual or book to follow, and we have to follow our intinct to do it.

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Meghan Pham: MtF Transgender, Transsexual, Transwoman, social justice, Caregivers, Certified Nurse Assistant

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #2 on: August 05, 2020, 03:38:27 pm »
@Steph1967
Dear Stephanie
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first several postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle


Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #3 on: August 05, 2020, 03:39:29 pm »
@Steph1967
Dear Stephanie:

OH, and another thing....
If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and other readers the thread back so that the conversation can continue

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Pammie

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #4 on: August 05, 2020, 04:50:41 pm »
It’s not a matter of people not liking it it’s much more about you are going to get advice I don’t think you want to hear. Self medicating is a very dangerous game. I would seriously suggest you seek professional guidance as you could be creating serious health issues for yourself.


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Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2020, 09:09:55 pm »
Meghan,
Thank you and yes there is no book or manual I am just trying to balance two worlds and it is not easy.  I worked hard to get where I am at and can't at this time walk away from it.  As for the family I am not willing to lose them but if they did know they most likely would walk away on me which I can deal with but my mom is old and she had enough pain in the past 5-6 years.  It took me a long time to post my story and I feel better just talking about it and one day I will finish what I started.

Danielle,
Thank you for welcoming me and I will look into the introduction forum and tell more of my story.

Pammie,
I know the self medication is wrong and if I went to talk to someone my work would know and then it would turn into more questions which i do not want to deal with at this time.  I work for a small company and the owners daughter is the head of HR of the company so I can't risk it at this time. I like to get some help but at this time I can't afford it and  I know you hear excuses but if I could I would.  I hope to get some guidance here and maybe hear some stories that will make me jump to the next level an become the woman I really want to be.

Thank you all, thank you for taking the time to read my story and also thank you for letting me talk.

Offline SoCal_Holly

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #6 on: August 05, 2020, 11:20:00 pm »
The best step is the first one to allow us to join you in your voyage of self discovery.

We’re here for you sister ! Be strong !

Hugs,

Holly

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2020, 12:14:18 am »
Meghan,
Thank you and yes there is no book or manual I am just trying to balance two worlds and it is not easy....  It took me a long time to post my story and I feel better just talking about it and one day I will finish what I started.

Posting your own story is no small thing. Takes confidence and bravery. Seems like you're admitting the inevitable, and not only to yourself.

And jeepers, but that balancing act is a bear, ain't it?



Pammie,
I know the self medication is wrong....  I hope to get some guidance here and maybe hear some stories that will make me jump to the next level an become the woman I really want to be.

I don't think self-medication is necessarily wrong in the moral sense of the word, if that's what you mean, but it sure is wrong in the dumb sense of the word. No telling what's actually inside those bottles of unregulated herbal products, and the endocrine system is not to be tinkered with lightly. Is transition an eventual life priority? No sense risking your life foolishly right at the beginning.




Thank you all, thank you for taking the time to read my story and also thank you for letting me talk.

Great note. Hope you write more!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #8 on: August 06, 2020, 08:19:41 am »
Holly,
Thank you for reading and understanding a snip it of my life and it is great to be able to share it with everyone. The voyage so far has been good and sad at the same time.  I was born in the wrong era that is for sure but I am making the best out of it and know I love myself and keep on learning more about me and others everyday.  I wish people were more tolerant and let people be who they are without judgment but we are not there yet but getting closer.

Battle Goddess,
The balancing act is not easy and I am always waiting to be called out.  One thing I don't do is lie, if some one asks me if I am gay I say well I am more of a girl than gay and let them make there own decision.  If they ask more I say more but what i found out people really don't ask.
The taking of the herbs and the Bovine Ovaries was a risk and I know that but I figured it was a better alternative than taking a synthetic drug that I would have to figure out the dosage and buying it from wherever hoping I was getting what I was buying was correct.  Oh I know it was foolish on what I did and I am not sure if I did future harm to my body but I decided to take the risk.  I do go to the doctor frequently and get blood work done and as of two months ago everything looks good so far.  I know I should go and talk to someone but I know if I did work would find out and then my world would change quickly and I am sure I would be let go due to no one would take me serious and would not listen to my directions.  I started late in life saving for retirement and well I have 13 more years to go so I need to get as much saved before the cat is out of the bag.

You all have a great day and thank you for listening.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #9 on: August 06, 2020, 08:24:42 am »
Posting your own story is no small thing. Takes confidence and bravery. Seems like you're admitting the inevitable, and not only to yourself.

And jeepers, but that balancing act is a bear, ain't it?


I don't think self-medication is necessarily wrong in the moral sense of the word, if that's what you mean, but it sure is wrong in the dumb sense of the word. No telling what's actually inside those bottles of unregulated herbal products, and the endocrine system is not to be tinkered with lightly. Is transition an eventual life priority? No sense risking your life foolishly right at the beginning.



Great note. Hope you write more!
I wasn’t being moral just sensible


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Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #10 on: August 06, 2020, 08:57:03 am »
Pammie,
I know and we are all good. I know I was risking taking the stuff and have stopped for a bit until I can find a better solution.

Offline Pammie

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #11 on: August 06, 2020, 08:58:42 am »
Pammie,
I know and we are all good. I know I was risking taking the stuff and have stopped for a bit until I can find a better solution.
Good. I totally understand the temptation but I just worry about people’s health - don’t mean to preach, sorry! Xx


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Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #12 on: August 06, 2020, 01:12:18 pm »
You are not preaching I am glad you are looking out for me and others.  I had friends same the same and they worry as well so I listened and I stopped taking the herbs even though it was working but not sure what it was doing to me in the long haul so now I need to find another way to become the real me.  I know it will take time and I have nothing but!!
Steph

Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #13 on: September 01, 2020, 08:22:59 pm »
I am doing thing right now and I feel like I had the weight lifted off my shoulders!  I had my first therapy session that went great and my therapist got me in contact with a doctors office to have my first consultation and get my blood work ordered.  I am excited to move on in this journey and am excited for the future.
Steph

Offline Cecile89

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #14 on: September 02, 2020, 03:22:02 am »
I am doing thing right now and I feel like I had the weight lifted off my shoulders!  I had my first therapy session that went great and my therapist got me in contact with a doctors office to have my first consultation and get my blood work ordered.  I am excited to move on in this journey and am excited for the future.
Steph

I'm glad that you're finally able to embark on this journey. We don't live in a time yet where we are accepted just like that and still have to invest some energy to show society that we're just normal people too. So that can be intimidating, but still it seems that most transpeople are much happier after transition than before (can't speak from myself yet).

I live in a somewhat conservative place, but I learned from another transwoman that people here are actually quite tolerant, if also quite ignorant. More like "just don't know better, but not ill-meaning." So I guess that's a good start to educate them if/once I decide to transition (still figuring out myself at the moment).

Offline Steph1967

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Re: Working On Myself The Wrong Way I Know (MTF)
« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2020, 08:17:40 am »
Cecile,
Thank you for the words of wisdom and hope that people can be accepting even in a conservative areas.  I know the transformation will not be easy especially since I work in the construction industry. I am still working on myself as well and have my doctors appointment next Thursday so I can get my blood work done and then figure thing out with a professional and not on my own like I have done in the past. I still have fears of work finding out and also how long I can hide before I am found out.  I am told once I start HRT I will become more calm and will be able to get out of my head and the fears will go away and I will be able to think clearly.  Once I know how the tests come out and have my discussion with my doctor I will post how it went.

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