Author Topic: Coming out to wife  (Read 390 times)

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Offline Randilowe

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Coming out to wife
« on: August 07, 2020, 01:49:49 pm »
Ok, so my wife now knows I am transgender(mtf) and I am just curious what normally happens in this situation.
Help, I am so lost n confused!

Offline Pammie

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #1 on: August 07, 2020, 02:00:54 pm »
Ok, so my wife now knows I am transgender(mtf) and I am just curious what normally happens in this situation.
Help, I am so lost n confused!
So I guess the question is did she any idea? Does she feel like you should have told her much earlier?
Did you explain you hadn’t known yourself? Xx
Well done anyway!


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Offline Gertrude

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #2 on: August 07, 2020, 02:15:41 pm »
I don't think there's a normal. It all depends. How did she take it?

Offline SoCal_Holly

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #3 on: August 07, 2020, 02:32:45 pm »
Randilowe:

Welcome to Susan’s !

I’m certain you will find us a caring tribe with a bevy of useful advice and information !

You may want to introduce yourself to our community in the introduction section for new members.

One of our helpful greeters will direct you to our community guidelines and general site stuff.

Hugs,

Holly

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2020, 03:55:43 pm »
Ok, so my wife now knows I am transgender(mtf) and I am just curious what normally happens in this situation.
Help, I am so lost n confused!
@Randilowe
Dear Randilowe
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first several postings. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
 
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
 
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
   
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
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Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
 
Things that you should read
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
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Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2020, 03:57:31 pm »
@Randilowe
Dear Randilowe:

OH, and another thing....
If you feel so inclined please feel free to stop by the Introductions Forum to tell more members about yourself!
 
With more exposure to more members here you will be able to get more responses to your questions and concerns.

Wishing your well as you continue to be involved in the forums.

NOTE: Now, after all of this Greeting and Welcoming stuff, I will give you and other readers the thread back so that the conversation can continue

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2020, 05:36:45 pm »
Randilowe, this can be a critical time in you relationship. The big things to be aware of are damage to her trust and honesty from you. How did you tell her? If she feels you have been keeping this a secret, you will have trust issues, and if you have been seeing a therapist or taking hormones without her knowledge she will rightfully feel you have excluded her from major decisions in your relationship. How long have you known you are trans, and how long have you been married?

It is possible to maintain a relationship through transition, bu you ned to do everything right, and have some luck! I am full time and still living with my partner who will be with me at my GRS soon, it has not been easy, but we are still together.

Hugs,

Allie

Offline DebbieB

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #7 on: August 15, 2020, 03:56:10 am »
There are some important things to consider:
Who were you before you came out?  If you were a sexist who refused to do "women's work" and tried to act macho and spent your weekends in front of the TV watching football and drinking beer, then things probably won't go well for you.

On the other hand, if your friends often thought you were gay because you were a bit feminine even as a guy, and you are a good listener, and you liked to help out with housework, cooking, doing the dishes, and letting her take charge, then you are probably in a very good place.

The biggest issue she will have is trust.  You have been keeping this secret for a while.  Some crossdressers keep their secret for decades.  She needs to know that this is probably the biggest secret you've ever had, and you might be the only one she has ever told face-to-face up to now.  If you were bullied as a kid for being a sissy, tell her about it, if you were bullied because people thought you were gay, tell her about it, if you were afraid your parents would put you out in the street wearing only a dress and tennis shoes, tell her about it.  She needs to know what YOUR gender dysphoria looks like.

Also, don't be afraid to talk about the times you thought about suicide, or the times you tried.  She may not understand how painful Acute Gender Dysphoria can be, because she has never experienced it.  Painting a picture with words, photographs, or even some writing can help her see what you have been going through.

Who has she been up to the reveal?  Was she a religious fanatic who went to church three times a week and the southern baptist church and also sang in the choir?  If so, this might not go well, but there is another forum on transgender Christians that can help you with that.  Has she been a bit adventurous in the past, liked to try different things?  That's usually a good sign!  Does she like to take charge most of the time?  This can be a very good thing!

Has she ever talked about experimenting with girls in college?  Has she ever teased you for being cute or pretty?  Has she ever told you you had a cute butt?  Has she noticed your eyelashes?  These are all indicators that she may have been wanting to draw the girl inside out to play on whatever terms she could get.  You've just been too busy hiding.

One of the things she needs to be able to create with you is her new role in your relationship.  She may want to be your BFF or she might want you to go shopping by yourself.  She might want to take you to the nail salon to get waxed, or she might want to help you tone down your wardrobe as you are going through "transgender puberty" trying to dress like a 13 year old girl.

If she sees that she has the possibility to completely redefine your relationship in new and exiting ways that make her feel better about you as a partner and a spouse, she is more inclined to want to be part of that.

Finally, who are you in transition.  When we first come out, we often are so self-focused that we don't get a chance to realize that IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!  You want to be the kind of person people want to have as a friend, the kind of person your wife wants to have as a lover, the kind of person your children want as a parent.  When it was you alone in your "closet", you wanted to be the sex kitten, the sexy slut, or the hottest girl in the bar you never went to.  But as a real girl in the real world, with real responsibilities, you want to begin to think in ways that are age, size, and situation appropriate, and let you wife help you with that.

Be ready to give up some control, and be willing to play on her terms.  You may have some sexual linkages, but she may want to get to know the real you, your true self, before she wants to start hopping into bed with this new stranger.  This could be some of the closest and most intimate times of your lives together if you don't force it and just let it evolve.

Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

Offline JoanneB

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #8 on: August 23, 2020, 08:12:38 am »
What next?  I think the question being asked says to me the shockwave is still reverberating. Dropping the T-Bomb is never easy on a spouse, even on one that already knew you were on the spectrum. You likely just did THE hardest thing you ever had to in your life. Now she is working on her's THE hardest thing, and likely will be for a good long time no matter what she says soon.

Hearing and Seeing are two totally different things. Hopefully time can be your ally. If so try to use it to your advantage. Try to open up the lines of communication. The all to hard to have talks is key to helping to keep the relationship going. But remember, it does take two to have a relationship. 
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Coming out to wife
« Reply #9 on: August 23, 2020, 09:18:15 am »
Ok, so my wife now knows I am transgender(mtf) and I am just curious what normally happens in this situation.
Help, I am so lost n confused!

What normally happens is that either you find a way to work it out, or you don't.

You've been given a lot of advice here and I think people have made assumptions for a lot of it. I could have asked the above question, but my situation was that I was already separated at the time. You may have a relationship in which you have been working and your wife not, and in that scenario it is normally expected that the non-working partner takes care of the household duties.

Some people develop an ultra-masculine persona before transitioning (or ultra-feminine if they are FTM) and it probably took a great deal of courage for you to come out to your wife, if indeed that is the case.

I feel that there is not enough information to advise you, but you have not asked for advice; you have asked what is typical. The anecdote I can share is that even though my wife and I are separated, our relationship is still stable. I came out to my wife before transitioning socially. She already knew about my crossdressing at that point and had done for a number of years; it's something she was in fact comfortable with.

I'm not sure there exists a typical situation, actually, as with most other trans matters. The abbreviation that always seems to come up is YMMV (your mileage may vary).
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
Referred to GIC: 23 Sep 2019
Full-time female presentation since: 21 Oct 2019, unbroken since 12 Dec 2019
Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
HRT: "kind of" started 15 Jul 2020
Most of my story is in the Just another mtf tale thread!
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