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Thought I was Okay

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EZ Linus:
Am I  <stupid?> What are these feelings coming up?

Very recently my girlfriend came out very publicly. She is MTF and was pretty closeted for all of her 60 years. She came out to me in year 11 of our 21 year relationship. I am non-binary and it was only very recently (this past Friday) that she was finally okay with me getting top surgery--the day before she publicly came out on her popular podcast.

I was so happy, for her. For me. Like now we can both live our truths...

Then yesterday, out of nowhere (or perhaps because of something she told me about starting hormone therapy) an hour before), I was alone in my car for the first time since all this went down and I just fell apart. I mean, totally sobbed and screamed. I had to pull over and I freaked out for a good 20 minutes. I didn't even know why, but it felt like death, like when my parents died. I didn't even cry that hard when they died. This was something else all together.

So, I ask you, am I some kind of a-hole? I am totally supportive of her completely transitioning. I don't mind anything she does. I celebrate it. I am pan-sexual. I love her no matter what and she says she loves me no matter what. There shouldn't be a problem. So why do I feel like I've lost something so significant? She is still right here.

Is this normal?

Maid Marion:
I think  this is normal.  She hid it from you for eleven years.  That is a long time and creates trust issues that is hard to deal with even with the best of relationships.  Being supportive of each other doesn't really fix that.

Marion

EZ Linus:

--- Quote from: Maid Marion on August 09, 2020, 02:11:28 pm ---I think  this is normal.  She hid it from you for eleven years.  That is a long time and creates trust issues that is hard to deal with even with the best of relationships.  Being supportive of each other doesn't really fix that.

Marion

--- End quote ---

Yes, the trust issue was a huge deal for me. But to be a little more clearer, she came out to me ten years ago, stayed closeted otherwise, then came out publicly this past Saturday. So, I've known for 10 years. However, for most of those years, she considered herself mostly male and a crossdresser. It's only been more like five years she has felt more and more like a woman.

I have had a few relationships with women. I don't care about that. Ten years ago when she told me what she was hiding, I felt a lot of betrayal, but I learned it wasn't because of me (though I did blame myself). It was because she had a hard time coming out to her own self. She is 60, so she was brought up in a time where she was made to feel a ton of shame. I only wanted to take that away from her. I felt so sad and awful that she felt so burdened for so long. It killed me. And she was terrified of losing me.

That part bothered me because I am a very embracing person and am genderqueer, so I didn't get why she was afraid of losing me. That's why I took it personally for a few years.

But I think I'm over that part. I don't know why I'm having any of these feelings this week. I really don't. She has always taken care of me as a "male." I think part of it has something to do with that. I am disabled and have depended on her for a LOT. Now, in some weird stereotypical brainwash, I feel like that can't be that way anymore.

Maid Marion:
I had a partner that was on disability.  Like you, she was very accepting.  But in my case I told her very early on.

But, she had difficulty with accepting that I was more feminine in many ways than she was.  I had the hourglass figure and could shop at VS.  And, she insisted on cooking, except for cooking food on the gas grill.  Which was a shame, in that she wasn't that great of a cook.  Until the last year we were together, and she could no longer cook.  Everything I cooked came out pretty good.   Didn't undercook or overcook anything.  And if she wanted something I figured out how to  cook it.

Marion

EZ Linus:

--- Quote from: Maid Marion on August 09, 2020, 03:44:14 pm ---I had a partner that was on disability.  Like you, she was very accepting.  But in my case I told her very early on.

But, she had difficulty with accepting that I was more feminine in many ways than she was.  I had the hourglass figure and could shop at VS.  And, she insisted on cooking, except for cooking food on the gas grill.  Which was a shame, in that she wasn't that great of a cook.  Until the last year we were together, and she could no longer cook.  Everything I cooked came out pretty good.   Didn't undercook or overcook anything.  And if she wanted something I figured out how to  cook it.

Marion

--- End quote ---

May I ask if/why you aren't together anymore?

Another day has gone by and I am still feeling very depressed, but I really couldn't tell you why. I will be speaking with my therapist tomorrow and maybe I can sort out my feelings. In the meantime, I've been looking for a surgeon for my own self, trying to focus on my own top surgery and weight loss so I can hopefully get my surgery by January. Right now I feel like distraction is the only "cure" for what I'm going through in regards to our relationship. When I think about it too much, I feel like I'm a bad person to have these feelings, even if I can't pinpoint what they are.


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