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Thought I was Okay

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Maid Marion:
Her disability turned out to be a fatal neurological disease.


EZ Linus:

--- Quote from: Maid Marion on August 10, 2020, 11:40:55 am ---Her disability turned out to be a fatal neurological disease.

--- End quote ---

Marion, I am so very sorry to hear and really sorry for your loss. That must have been d devastating. My deepest condolences.

Maid Marion:
Thank you.  The hardest part was juggling a full time job and being a full time caregiver for a year.
I know way more about disability and mobility devices of all types than anyone should know.

Fortunately we did a ton of stuff together and she pretty much did everything on her bucket list.


EZ Linus:
I've been living with it for more days now and maybe it's getting easier, but when I talk to my therapist about it, I still begin to feel a big loss, like he died or something. I am still in love with her now, but it's been hard to call her by her new name and I often mess it up and call her by her old male name. She only just changed it very very recently. I am getting better at it.

I feel a lot like a hypocrite, still. I am focused more and more on my own trans issues as a non-binary person, getting surgery, etc. Maybe it helps to get my mind off her, or this feeling like there's a loss of "him." She is the same person and I know that intellectually/analytically. I don't understand why my heart is breaking.

She is not overly fem either. I never went for super fem girls (I am bi/pan-sexual), so it's not that, but, when I talked to my therapist last, her fingernails came up a lot. They are long and that just reminds me of something--my mom (I think). I guess it flips me out a little, but I could never tell her that because I know it makes her feel feminine, and it's one of the very few things she can do to feel that way, as she is very self-conscious of her masculine features. There's nothing I can do about it but get used to it. I guess it's a small thing--if that is what's going on. Like I said before, I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just feeling grief.

Nadine Spirit:
It could the loss of the idea of him.  I know that you physically still have a person beside you, but it is not the same person you thought they were. 

Maybe you are simply being emotional about it because of the change of it? 

It is hard to say sometimes why we humans get emotionally charge over some things.  I know for me it was strange when people like my sister told me she was morning the loss of who I was.  It was strange to me as I was like, well, I'm still me, it's just that now I'm being honest and allowing you to know the entirety that is me.  I figured that she shoudl be happy because she doesn't get to know less of me but rather more of me.

However what I realized is that people often don't know you, they know a version of you.  A version that they create by observation.  That identity is often becomes very important to people.  Thus when something causes them to need to change that perception sometimes they really struggle with it. 

Good luck to you, I feel like I'm just rambling...... I just wanted to say I feel for you.


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