Topic: Thought I was Okay

[EZ Linus]

Am I  <stupid?> What are these feelings coming up?

Very recently my girlfriend came out very publicly. She is MTF and was pretty closeted for all of her 60 years. She came out to me in year 11 of our 21 year relationship. I am non-binary and it was only very recently (this past Friday) that she was finally okay with me getting top surgery--the day before she publicly came out on her popular podcast.

I was so happy, for her. For me. Like now we can both live our truths...

Then yesterday, out of nowhere (or perhaps because of something she told me about starting hormone therapy) an hour before), I was alone in my car for the first time since all this went down and I just fell apart. I mean, totally sobbed and screamed. I had to pull over and I freaked out for a good 20 minutes. I didn't even know why, but it felt like death, like when my parents died. I didn't even cry that hard when they died. This was something else all together.

So, I ask you, am I some kind of a-hole? I am totally supportive of her completely transitioning. I don't mind anything she does. I celebrate it. I am pan-sexual. I love her no matter what and she says she loves me no matter what. There shouldn't be a problem. So why do I feel like I've lost something so significant? She is still right here.

Is this normal?

[Maid Marion]

I think  this is normal.  She hid it from you for eleven years.  That is a long time and creates trust issues that is hard to deal with even with the best of relationships.  Being supportive of each other doesn't really fix that.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

I think  this is normal.  She hid it from you for eleven years.  That is a long time and creates trust issues that is hard to deal with even with the best of relationships.  Being supportive of each other doesn't really fix that.

Marion

Yes, the trust issue was a huge deal for me. But to be a little more clearer, she came out to me ten years ago, stayed closeted otherwise, then came out publicly this past Saturday. So, I've known for 10 years. However, for most of those years, she considered herself mostly male and a crossdresser. It's only been more like five years she has felt more and more like a woman.

I have had a few relationships with women. I don't care about that. Ten years ago when she told me what she was hiding, I felt a lot of betrayal, but I learned it wasn't because of me (though I did blame myself). It was because she had a hard time coming out to her own self. She is 60, so she was brought up in a time where she was made to feel a ton of shame. I only wanted to take that away from her. I felt so sad and awful that she felt so burdened for so long. It killed me. And she was terrified of losing me.

That part bothered me because I am a very embracing person and am genderqueer, so I didn't get why she was afraid of losing me. That's why I took it personally for a few years.

But I think I'm over that part. I don't know why I'm having any of these feelings this week. I really don't. She has always taken care of me as a "male." I think part of it has something to do with that. I am disabled and have depended on her for a LOT. Now, in some weird stereotypical brainwash, I feel like that can't be that way anymore.

[Maid Marion]

I had a partner that was on disability.  Like you, she was very accepting.  But in my case I told her very early on.

But, she had difficulty with accepting that I was more feminine in many ways than she was.  I had the hourglass figure and could shop at VS.  And, she insisted on cooking, except for cooking food on the gas grill.  Which was a shame, in that she wasn't that great of a cook.  Until the last year we were together, and she could no longer cook.  Everything I cooked came out pretty good.   Didn't undercook or overcook anything.  And if she wanted something I figured out how to  cook it.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

I had a partner that was on disability.  Like you, she was very accepting.  But in my case I told her very early on.

But, she had difficulty with accepting that I was more feminine in many ways than she was.  I had the hourglass figure and could shop at VS.  And, she insisted on cooking, except for cooking food on the gas grill.  Which was a shame, in that she wasn't that great of a cook.  Until the last year we were together, and she could no longer cook.  Everything I cooked came out pretty good.   Didn't undercook or overcook anything.  And if she wanted something I figured out how to  cook it.

Marion

May I ask if/why you aren't together anymore?

Another day has gone by and I am still feeling very depressed, but I really couldn't tell you why. I will be speaking with my therapist tomorrow and maybe I can sort out my feelings. In the meantime, I've been looking for a surgeon for my own self, trying to focus on my own top surgery and weight loss so I can hopefully get my surgery by January. Right now I feel like distraction is the only "cure" for what I'm going through in regards to our relationship. When I think about it too much, I feel like I'm a bad person to have these feelings, even if I can't pinpoint what they are.

[Maid Marion]

Her disability turned out to be a fatal neurological disease.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

Her disability turned out to be a fatal neurological disease.

Marion, I am so very sorry to hear and really sorry for your loss. That must have been d devastating. My deepest condolences.

[Maid Marion]

Thank you.  The hardest part was juggling a full time job and being a full time caregiver for a year.
I know way more about disability and mobility devices of all types than anyone should know.

Fortunately we did a ton of stuff together and she pretty much did everything on her bucket list.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

I've been living with it for more days now and maybe it's getting easier, but when I talk to my therapist about it, I still begin to feel a big loss, like he died or something. I am still in love with her now, but it's been hard to call her by her new name and I often mess it up and call her by her old male name. She only just changed it very very recently. I am getting better at it.

I feel a lot like a hypocrite, still. I am focused more and more on my own trans issues as a non-binary person, getting surgery, etc. Maybe it helps to get my mind off her, or this feeling like there's a loss of "him." She is the same person and I know that intellectually/analytically. I don't understand why my heart is breaking.

She is not overly fem either. I never went for super fem girls (I am bi/pan-sexual), so it's not that, but, when I talked to my therapist last, her fingernails came up a lot. They are long and that just reminds me of something--my mom (I think). I guess it flips me out a little, but I could never tell her that because I know it makes her feel feminine, and it's one of the very few things she can do to feel that way, as she is very self-conscious of her masculine features. There's nothing I can do about it but get used to it. I guess it's a small thing--if that is what's going on. Like I said before, I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just feeling grief.

[Nadine Spirit]

It could the loss of the idea of him.  I know that you physically still have a person beside you, but it is not the same person you thought they were. 

Maybe you are simply being emotional about it because of the change of it? 

It is hard to say sometimes why we humans get emotionally charge over some things.  I know for me it was strange when people like my sister told me she was morning the loss of who I was.  It was strange to me as I was like, well, I'm still me, it's just that now I'm being honest and allowing you to know the entirety that is me.  I figured that she shoudl be happy because she doesn't get to know less of me but rather more of me.

However what I realized is that people often don't know you, they know a version of you.  A version that they create by observation.  That identity is often becomes very important to people.  Thus when something causes them to need to change that perception sometimes they really struggle with it. 

Good luck to you, I feel like I'm just rambling...... I just wanted to say I feel for you.

[Maid Marion]

Growing long nails is a big change.  It implies that you aren't going to jump in and do physical things without thinking, as it is so easy to tear them off.  I know this from experience. And you have to learn  how to do things differently, as things like touch readers don't work the same if you have long nails.  It is a big change  in how one interacts with the world.  As in practical everyday tasks.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

Nadine, It's not that I'm not happy for her. I wish I could get that part across. I'm sorry you had that situation with your sister and felt like she wasn't happy for you, but I can understand the mourning part. When you say it is the same person that is there with me, you are right. And you are also right when you say it's not the same person I thought they were. That's probably where I feel the loss. Or maybe it's not even "loss." Maybe it's something else. I still don't know what it is, I'm just very greify, like something in my life, something very significant is over. The relationship I thought I had. That has ended and a new one has begun--which I'm looking forward to. I want to be on this journey with her, but I still feel sad, for myself.

Marion, her nails have been long for a while now, but since she came out last month, they have been getting longer. I can't tell her they bother me. It's just too bad for me and I must deal with it. Everything else about her is great, it's just my own hang-up.

Like I said before, I don't want to seem like a bad person or seem like I don't support her. I'm just trying to navigate my feelings. I feel very, very alone.

[EZ Linus]

I wish I had someone else I could talk to about my situation--more than just my therapist who I get 50 minutes a week with. I have a couple of friends, but everyone is so supportive of her that my sadness seems to be me making it all about me when she is going through so much more than I am, of course. So I still am feeling alone. We have talked about it, and she also feels I am making it more about me and I'm being unfair, despite how much support I have been giving her. I swear, I've been so positive and have been helping her get her name changed and on the right track. I want her to live her truth. I want to grow with her and keep the relationship alive. I just feel I have nowhere to turn when It comes to my feelings and wonder when they will go away or get easier. I don't feel supported, other than for my own transition and my own surgery, which is great, but it doesn't take away this feeling like someone has died or something. That the relationship as I've known it is over. I feel unsafe and unstable.

We went to the LGBTQ center last week so she can get into therapy and start on HRT, but the intake person was out, so we have to try another day. She works a lot, so it was not easy to get there--we live an hour away. It is frustrating because we want to start this new journey. I do want to start this journey with her. That fact remains the same. I just feel alone in my own feelings of...abandonment I guess you can call it. I feel like no one understands and I'm a bad person for having these feelings.

[Maid Marion]

Hi EZ Linus

You may be experiencing what is most commonly known as caregiver fatigue.  More commonly associated with degenerative diseases like MS but I think your situation fits.  But, you and your partner are in a rare situation so it is hard to find anyone who can relate.

It may be that you aren't spending enough time on your own needs.

Marion

[EZ Linus]

I actually have an autoimmune disease: lupus, and it has an MS component in that I also have bad polyneuropathy with it. My partner usually takes care of me. It is the other way around...but there was something you said in another thread that has had me thinking, a lot. Something you said about men in society having a certain type of value as they age and them being a type of security or caregiver in a way. It's taken me some weeks, but I think that is exactly what my "loss" feeling is about. I realize that it is completely a societal brainwash though. I think I just needed to understand it before I could move forward and this thing you mentioned has really made me understand what fears were being brought up in me. So thank you. I really appreciate your wisdom.

[Maid Marion]

That is wonderful that you could figure that out and come to an understanding.

I took a professional seminar on soft skills and realized that I was overly discounting social skills.  Basically ignoring my intuition as I wasn't taught to value it like a math computation.  I think I know better now.

Marion