I've been living with it for more days now and maybe it's getting easier, but when I talk to my therapist about it, I still begin to feel a big loss, like he died or something. I am still in love with her now, but it's been hard to call her by her new name and I often mess it up and call her by her old male name. She only just changed it very very recently. I am getting better at it.
I feel a lot like a hypocrite, still. I am focused more and more on my own trans issues as a non-binary person, getting surgery, etc. Maybe it helps to get my mind off her, or this feeling like there's a loss of "him." She is the same person and I know that intellectually/analytically. I don't understand why my heart is breaking.
She is not overly fem either. I never went for super fem girls (I am bi/pan-sexual), so it's not that, but, when I talked to my therapist last, her fingernails came up a lot. They are long and that just reminds me of something--my mom (I think). I guess it flips me out a little, but I could never tell her that because I know it makes her feel feminine, and it's one of the very few things she can do to feel that way, as she is very self-conscious of her masculine features. There's nothing I can do about it but get used to it. I guess it's a small thing--if that is what's going on. Like I said before, I don't know what's going on with me. I'm just feeling grief.