Author Topic: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated  (Read 367 times)

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Offline CosmoIsWanda

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Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« on: July 29, 2020, 11:04:21 am »
Hello Everyone!! I have been a lurker on these forums for a while now haha. I have finally decided to introduce myself because I am honestly interested in some feedback regarding my situation. 

My name is Cosmin, my female name will be Cosmina (I don't think I am worthy of carrying that name yet because I am still at the beginning of my journey). 

Currently, I am 23 years old and I have been dealing with intense feelings of gender dysphoria for as long as I can remember. I never knew what it was but I was always intensely jealous of girls and females in general. All my life I just felt as if there was something wrong with me. First I thought I had depression but the doctors said that I was fine. Then I thought I had autism but again, doctors said I was fine. Then I thought I had a manic depression but then again, I had it checked out and the doctors said I was fine.

This feeling of wrongness was so strong that I had to quit university a couple of years back because I just could not handle it anymore. I went to school to be a teacher and now looking back I realize that when I was a teacher aid and having to take care of the children triggered my dysphoria. I think it was because my maternal instinct was surfacing but I just could not handle it...

So how did I come to the realization that all this pain and confusion was because of gender dysphoria?
Well, I hope you guys do not think that I am some weirdo but this is what happened.

I was listening to feminization hypnosis for a couple of weeks because for whatever reason, it made those feelings of wrongness go away, at least for a little while. Coupled that with smoking a lot of marijuana (which just became legal in Canada), it just hit me. Like a truck going full speed into a wall. I realized that what this feeling really was the fact that I never felt comfortable in my male body and that I really never identified as a "man". This was also the reason why I never cared about how I looked or how I dressed, some people would call me "disheveled". I realized that I shoved the notion that I was a woman and that I would live more comfortably as a woman deep inside my psyche. That my true nature and identity was that of a woman. All of this just came out, all of a sudden

This triggered a psychotic breakdown which led to 3 hospitalizations. During which I started feeling a huge discomfort in my testicles, almost as if someone was punching me in the balls repeatedly. I assume this was a manifestation of the dysphoria. It was bad, I almost swallowed all the pills that I was taking for anxiety. I still have the scars from self-harming.

Luckily for me, I am in the military and they have a lot of support systems in place, so access to hormones and therapy was relatively easy and free. I am very thankful for this.
I have been on a low dose of female hormones for about 2 months now. I have another appointment in August to increase it to a standard dose.

I cannot believe how much better I feel from the hormones. The feeling of wrongness is now gone, or at least on my bad days, it is much more manageable. I no longer have days where I just sit in my bed because I am too frustrated to do anything. It is like someone turned off the white noise that was distracting me all the time.
I have also noticed that my libido has become almost nonexistent. I am actually very thankful for that because now I just feel more focused and no longer have to rely on porn hahaha.

It is as if for the first time in my life I have nothing to complain about. It is almost scary. 
I am at the beginning of my journey, my next step is to buy some female clothes and become more comfortable in the clothes that express the real me!

I would love to hear what you guys think, feedback is appreciated and I am very thankful to be a part of your community

Best Regards,CosmoIsWanda

Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2020, 12:09:38 pm »
Hi Cosmina!

Welcome.  Good to hear that hormones are helping and that you have a support system.
Just getting started is the hardest part for most of us.

Gender isn't something to be earned.  You are what you are.


Offline Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2020, 01:01:56 am »
Dear Cosmin
    Please know that I am not trying to hijack your post but first I wish to Officially Welcome YOU to Susan's Place.
    I am so very glad to read in your introduction post that you finally came out of the LURKER ZONE.   Many of our members here start out that way and after they read the posts and threads of others they become very interested in joining in on the conversations and sharing....   
    I am happy to see that you have signed up as a member of Susan's Place and have submitted your first posting. 

    As you post here on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.
    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say.
    I want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.   Other members will be along shortly to give you their thoughts about your questions and concerns that you mentioned in your very first posting.
    There is information and important LINKS that I have included below.   You will find information about the site that will help you navigate around and best utilize the features here.   
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask....

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that all new members should be familiar with:
Things that you should read
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2020, 03:46:22 pm »
Welcome, Cosmina, and thank you for your service in the CF as well. :)

It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)

Offline CosmoIsWanda

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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #4 on: July 31, 2020, 05:52:47 am »
Thanks for the kind responses gals, I actually really appreciate it :)

Offline Berra

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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #5 on: August 05, 2020, 11:41:43 am »
Wellcome honey.
I am happy for your dysphoria ending and feel yourself comfortable. It is a small life and we have limited minutes and hours . Take your time .

Offline Susannah

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Re: Hello ALL! Feedback Appreciated
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2020, 07:28:01 am »
Welcome Cosmina.  There are many helpful people here.  I learned a lot in very short time.

Glad to hear that HRT is working well for you.  You are not the first person saying that it feels scary to feel good about yourself for the first time.  With your young age, your transition will be quite successful if that is what you desire.