Author Topic: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender  (Read 702 times)

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Offline Miss Kitty

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Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« on: August 11, 2020, 04:12:29 am »
Hello peeps!

I am currently in a position I had hoped to avoid but fate has a way of playing tricks on you and now I urgently need advice. So about 6 months ago I dated a gentlemen that I had met at work, we only went for a few drinks together then shared some text messages. Shortly after he was fired from the work place and tried to stay in contact with me. Out of fear of having either of our hearts broken I blocked his number.

My reasoning for fear of rejection or complications should our relationship continue is based solely in the fact I am not totally confident when I am undressed. I am 6 foot tall with broad shoulders and I have almost no breast what so ever.
When I started transitioning I had vowed to have no intimacy at all until I had completed all of my surgery. As fate would have it my breast augmentation and my second pass FFS have been delayed for 6 months because of the Covid crisis.

To cut my story short, I just unblocked his number on my phone, not only has he been calling me every few weeks for the last 6 months, he has left a lot of voice messages saying that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me this entire time and wants to still see me. So my question for of all you is just this, is it better to just wait another 6 months for my surgery just to be more confident in myself? In which case there's probably little chance he will still have interest in me. Or, should I just date him then explain that I am trans? (There's of course the third option of not telling him at all that I'm trans and just explaining I want a boob job at some point).

I didn't expect to be in this situation so I am fairly bewildered any advice would be hugely appreciated!
-PS
I am confident that he has no idea that I am trans (or he at least hasnt alluded to it) and I am aware that he finds me physically attractive as I am (without further surgery)







Online AllieSF

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2020, 01:43:26 pm »
Hi Kitty,

If you think that you are going to get intimate with him sooner rather than later, then I think it fair to him and you that you tell him more, at least that you are transgender.  Then wait and see what he says.  If you truly do pass well enough, maybe the no breast growth with BA in the future would be enough.  Another good question is, are you interested in him enough to get intimate with him?  It should always be your decision about you and not his, though he would also have to want that.  Also, with all this covid infections, are you ready to be close, even for dinner with a person who you really do not know what he does during the day and night regarding staying safe.

Whatever you decide good luck and enjoy, and of course be safe.

Allie
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Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2020, 02:12:14 pm »
Hey Kitty,

To add to what Allie said, just my feelings on it....your transition is 100% yours.  Any significant other will have to decide whether they can accept/embrace that or if they can't.

But also, if you feel drawn to pursue a relationship, I would think that it's better to tell them sooner, and while there is still physical distance between you two, so they can respond from a 'safe distance.'

(COVID is definitely one part of it...but, while I don't know this person, I've seen people very quickly drop kindness for malice when they find out the other is transgender, so I'd want for you to be safe on all fronts).

But, I wish the best, and do stay safe! :)
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

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Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #3 on: August 12, 2020, 07:41:50 am »
I would go ahead and make the connection. Not all relationships last, the ones we never start certainly don't.

I can't advise on being open about your past / transition, I support everyone disclosing when they choose, which may include never.
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2020, 02:42:17 pm »
I think you should tell this person that you are transgender and you can explain what you have mentioned here.

If you do not explain why you blocked his number with the truth, I believe it will come to bite you.

I also strongly believe that somebody you intend to share significant romantic time with should be aware of the situation.

Anyway, that's my two-pennorth. Hope it helps!
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Offline RobynD

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #5 on: August 12, 2020, 03:28:53 pm »
I dated from the get-go, so I'm not sure my opinion is that valuable, but I think If I was feeling what you are feeling, I'd still reach out to him and try to be a friend, for now, perhaps he will wait until you are comfortable with intimacy and be happy with the platonic thing in the meantime. At the least, having that conversation will be good for him and you. Friends are really important to all of us and my opinion, extremely important to someone in transition. That alone would make it worth it to me.

You do run the risk of getting hurt or rejected down the road, but you might not and it could be a great relationship. You could always bail if you see red flags and I've always seen any relationship that ends as "practice" for the next.



Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2020, 05:07:11 pm »
I think you should tell this person that you are transgender
...
I also strongly believe that somebody you intend to share significant romantic time with should be aware of the situation.

Anyway, that's my two-pennorth. Hope it helps!

I'm glad you've clarified it's your 2c worth, still

Anytime someone opines what another 'should' do about their romantic or sex life, I have to seriously question the adviser's motives.

There are states and nations that have either enacted into law or via judicial precedence established that 'trans panic' is an affirmative defense of murder of a trans person.

IMO, this is unjust, it is not an acceptable situation and while recognizing that these are factors we must consider, acknowledging them as in any way "just" or "moral" ... well you're welcome to hold that view, I have feelings about putting that onto anyone else (hence my disagreement is on the term "should").

So likewise, my $0.02
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Offline Maddie

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2020, 06:02:54 pm »
Sounds like you already were willing to let him go since you blocked his only way to reach you up until now. 
Does his displayed persistance make him more appealing now than before?
If so, does his feelings matter to you?  Because it probably won't get easier on him or you to tell him later.
Please start safe and trust your gut.  Good luck Kitty

Offline Maddie

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2020, 06:31:20 pm »
Sadie Blake, I'm curious if you have a firm poliicy on disclosing/not disclosing, or if you play every situation differently?  Does this change?
Like Miss Kitty, I'm not yet surgeried.  But I  haven't seen any guys yet that didn't know I was born (and still) physically male.
I don't get out much this year ;)

Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2020, 10:01:19 pm »
Sadie Blake, I'm curious if you have a firm poliicy on disclosing/not disclosing, or if you play every situation differently?  Does this change?
Like Miss Kitty, I'm not yet surgeried.  But I  haven't seen any guys yet that didn't know I was born (and still) physically male.
I don't get out much this year ;)

I don't have a horse in that race, there is nothing passable about me except my vagina and my emotions, how I relate to people.

If I passed, my choices about being stealthy would be based on only one rule, do least harm which is what I aim for in life anyway. So if that's the fixed principle or policy, then yes the choices would be variable as to disclosure.

I don't think I would be inclined to anything like strict stealth, and also since I don't mainly identify as trans, rather I am simply a woman who happened to get here via transition. So if nothing else changed, I'd only disclose when / where I considered it relevant, e.g. in my life as an activist, sometimes transition is relevant.

In personal relationships, I'm lucky to live in a place where most of the women I know are cool with me being trans, so no big deal either way, right? In thought experiment world, however, say I'd have been passable at 18 in 1974. So who would have been accepting then? Then the standard of care dictated we must be stealth.

If I magically passed today, otherwise knowing all the same things? I'd probably not disclose until after I'd been intimate most of the time. I have my reasons for that, maybe I'll go into them later when I'm at a keyboard, not a phone.

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Offline Maddie

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2020, 12:26:08 am »
I don't have a horse in that race, there is nothing passable about me except my vagina and my emotions, how I relate to people.

If I passed, my choices about being stealthy would be based on only one rule, do least harm which is what I aim for in life anyway. So if that's the fixed principle or policy, then yes the choices would be variable as to disclosure.

I don't think I would be inclined to anything like strict stealth, and also since I don't mainly identify as trans, rather I am simply a woman who happened to get here via transition. So if nothing else changed, I'd only disclose when / where I considered it relevant, e.g. in my life as an activist, sometimes transition is relevant.

In personal relationships, I'm lucky to live in a place where most of the women I know are cool with me being trans, so no big deal either way, right? In thought experiment world, however, say I'd have been passable at 18 in 1974. So who would have been accepting then? Then the standard of care dictated we must be stealth.

If I magically passed today, otherwise knowing all the same things? I'd probably not disclose until after I'd been intimate most of the time. I have my reasons for that, maybe I'll go into them later when I'm at a keyboard, not a phone.


If I am lucky I may have a passable vagina to go with my emotions.

I'm on a phone too, or I would'nt have missed your signature on the small screen....
I was associating you with  a post, from a GCS thread, about relating with men.  You posted on that GCS topic, but it was someone else's post I remember.



Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2020, 01:02:48 pm »
I'm glad you've clarified it's your 2c worth, still

Anytime someone opines what another 'should' do about their romantic or sex life, I have to seriously question the adviser's motives.

There are states and nations that have either enacted into law or via judicial precedence established that 'trans panic' is an affirmative defense of murder of a trans person.

IMO, this is unjust, it is not an acceptable situation and while recognizing that these are factors we must consider, acknowledging them as in any way "just" or "moral" ... well you're welcome to hold that view, I have feelings about putting that onto anyone else (hence my disagreement is on the term "should").

So likewise, my $0.02

I don't have any ulterior motives and I agree with your assessment that "trans panic" can possibly be a defence against a murder charge. I can't quite fathom how that's possible, but it's not an area I've looked into.

Just for curiosity, what did you think my motives were?
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
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Offline RandyL

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2020, 01:38:10 pm »
Just to chime in on trans panic, Colorado recently passed a law explicitly disallowing that as a defense. So we're making some progress, some places.

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Offline SadieBlake

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2020, 01:54:24 pm »
I don't have any ulterior motives and I agree with your assessment that "trans panic" can possibly be a defence against a murder charge. I can't quite fathom how that's possible, but it's not an area I've looked into.

Just for curiosity, what did you think my motives were?

I try not to assume anything about your motives and ultimately I probably don't care personally. I am wary of 'should' statements in most contexts and especially when it pertains to sexual and relationship orientation.

Granted I did express it as mistrusting the motives of the individual, and that's true, in that words come from people, I think that's a fair expression that doesn't target you per se.

I absolutely  don't think an outsider can fully comprehend the relationship calculus between individuals and really what reasons does one have for second guessing relationship choices? Homophobes question lesbian and gay relationships, usually on 'moral' grounds.

I can see no reason for asserting that we must disclose our pasts to (prospective) partners that doesn't effectively give OK to the validity of 'trans panic'. It's one thing to say "choosing when and whether to disclose has risks both early and late in a relationship". Saying we "should" or saying at what point we "should" do so conveys a different meaning.

OP: this is on topic to your post, sorry for the drift. Many trans people have had the experience that disclosing very early cuts off a started conversation, perhaps before the person has gotten a chance to your you. At that time, they have little actual information to go on and haven't gotten to know you. Conversely, disclosing after attraction and interest have been established risks that both of you will experience loss if you're rejected for not being cis. And this sometimes the reason we get to it late or don't at all.

I maintain, there's no right answer. It's a choice anyone is dating and isn't materially different from lots of other personal things that we choose when or whether to share with romantic or sexual partners.
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Offline Devlyn

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2020, 02:06:36 pm »
Hello peeps!

I am currently in a position I had hoped to avoid but fate has a way of playing tricks on you and now I urgently need advice. So about 6 months ago I dated a gentlemen that I had met at work, we only went for a few drinks together then shared some text messages. Shortly after he was fired from the work place and tried to stay in contact with me. Out of fear of having either of our hearts broken I blocked his number.

My reasoning for fear of rejection or complications should our relationship continue is based solely in the fact I am not totally confident when I am undressed. I am 6 foot tall with broad shoulders and I have almost no breast what so ever.
When I started transitioning I had vowed to have no intimacy at all until I had completed all of my surgery. As fate would have it my breast augmentation and my second pass FFS have been delayed for 6 months because of the Covid crisis.

To cut my story short, I just unblocked his number on my phone, not only has he been calling me every few weeks for the last 6 months, he has left a lot of voice messages saying that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me this entire time and wants to still see me. So my question for of all you is just this, is it better to just wait another 6 months for my surgery just to be more confident in myself? In which case there's probably little chance he will still have interest in me. Or, should I just date him then explain that I am trans? (There's of course the third option of not telling him at all that I'm trans and just explaining I want a boob job at some point).

I didn't expect to be in this situation so I am fairly bewildered any advice would be hugely appreciated!
-PS
I am confident that he has no idea that I am trans (or he at least hasnt alluded to it) and I am aware that he finds me physically attractive as I am (without further surgery)



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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #15 on: August 14, 2020, 03:52:49 pm »
Hello peeps!

I am currently in a position I had hoped to avoid but fate has a way of playing tricks on you and now I urgently need advice. So about 6 months ago I dated a gentlemen that I had met at work, we only went for a few drinks together then shared some text messages. Shortly after he was fired from the work place and tried to stay in contact with me. Out of fear of having either of our hearts broken I blocked his number.

My reasoning for fear of rejection or complications should our relationship continue is based solely in the fact I am not totally confident when I am undressed. I am 6 foot tall with broad shoulders and I have almost no breast what so ever.
When I started transitioning I had vowed to have no intimacy at all until I had completed all of my surgery. As fate would have it my breast augmentation and my second pass FFS have been delayed for 6 months because of the Covid crisis.

To cut my story short, I just unblocked his number on my phone, not only has he been calling me every few weeks for the last 6 months, he has left a lot of voice messages saying that he hasn't been able to stop thinking about me this entire time and wants to still see me. So my question for of all you is just this, is it better to just wait another 6 months for my surgery just to be more confident in myself? In which case there's probably little chance he will still have interest in me. Or, should I just date him then explain that I am trans? (There's of course the third option of not telling him at all that I'm trans and just explaining I want a boob job at some point).

I didn't expect to be in this situation so I am fairly bewildered any advice would be hugely appreciated!
-PS
I am confident that he has no idea that I am trans (or he at least hasnt alluded to it) and I am aware that he finds me physically attractive as I am (without further surgery)


I simply wish that you have good experiences over time.  Likely it would be better to disclose earlier than later, especially so when there are two-way emotional attachments forming.

Chrissy
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Offline Ellie_Arroway

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #16 on: August 15, 2020, 03:27:31 am »
I try not to assume anything about your motives and ultimately I probably don't care personally. I am wary of 'should' statements in most contexts and especially when it pertains to sexual and relationship orientation.

Granted I did express it as mistrusting the motives of the individual, and that's true, in that words come from people, I think that's a fair expression that doesn't target you per se.

It's fine, I don't feel targeted.

Quote
I absolutely  don't think an outsider can fully comprehend the relationship calculus between individuals and really what reasons does one have for second guessing relationship choices? Homophobes question lesbian and gay relationships, usually on 'moral' grounds.

I can see no reason for asserting that we must disclose our pasts to (prospective) partners that doesn't effectively give OK to the validity of 'trans panic'. It's one thing to say "choosing when and whether to disclose has risks both early and late in a relationship". Saying we "should" or saying at what point we "should" do so conveys a different meaning.

Well, one reason is simply safety. If somebody knows at the outset of a relationship that you are trans then there are no surprises. If somebody finds out some time into a relationship, I have read anecdotes from people who have suffered from abusive experiences as a result of that.

Another reason is if somebody wishes to start a family. As a trans person, there may be issues surrounding that.

A third reason would be if for some reason a medical emergency befell you and your partner had to help you deal with it, there could be a better outcome for you if they are aware of the whole situation and can explain it to emergency services.

On a personal level, my wife was very upset when I came out to her, and I came out to her not long after I found out myself that I was trans through experimentation. She has been accepting, but if that were not the case, it could have ended in divorce and hardship for both of us.

In no way does any of this lead to the argument that "trans panic as a defence against murder is OK." I do not accept what you say there.

Quote
I maintain, there's no right answer. It's a choice anyone is dating and isn't materially different from lots of other personal things that we choose when or whether to share with romantic or sexual partners.

I will just accept that there is another side to the argument, but I don't believe it has been well expressed.
Started seriously questioning: 24 Aug 2019
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Official name change by deed poll: 11 Nov 2019
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Offline Rachel

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #17 on: August 16, 2020, 12:46:44 pm »
I am on POF, I disclose I am trans and get several guys a day message me. I never message back. I want to but a relationship to me is very scary. I have been working up the courage but for far too long. I am stuck not taking the risk. I am with guys but in a very poly way.

So you are doing well in reaching out to establish a relationship. He obviously likes you. So if you want the relationship to take hold you need to be honest. If he does not want you because you are trans then you do not want him. 

If a guy see's you as female and is comfortable having you around friends and family and is nice I would be all over him. 
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Offline Miss Kitty

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Re: Badly need dating advice, first time as my true gender
« Reply #18 on: August 17, 2020, 06:38:56 am »
Hello again everyone,

I am writing first give a huge thank you to all who contributed to this post. Every response on here is invaluable to me and I have taken in all of your suggestions with enormous gratitude. However, after much thinking, I have decided to not contact my co worker after all. My reasoning had a lot to do with the fact that over the past few days my anxiety levels have been at a legendary high. In fact I even bought 2 packets of cigarettes despite quitting 3 years ago in order to deal with the near breakdown I've been having. I just ended up deciding I don't need the added stress of a relationship and coming out as Trans (which is some thing I believe I must do early on after reading all these responses) to some one at this point in my life.

I really wanted to contact him but I think if I was relatively happy a few weeks ago I shouldn't 'rock the boat' so to speak based on the fact that I just found out he has been persistently trying to contact me. All the advice that I have received so far will be used for all of my future dating endeavors so I hope no one feels their efforts to help me out with this have gone to waste.






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