Author Topic: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning  (Read 244 times)

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Offline BeckyCNJ

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Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« on: August 11, 2020, 01:13:16 pm »
I posted this on the non-transitioning board but I thought it might get more feedback on this board since it's focused on coming out.

As a bit of a therapeutic exercise I wrote a coming out letter. This will probably never be shared because of my wife's wishes but it was helpful to write what I might say to my friends.

I'd welcome your comments.

Thank you!

Becky

Dear Friends,

I’d like to share something that’s very important to me with you. Let me say upfront that there are no changes planned in my life. What is new is that I’m sharing this with you. I hope you’ll read this in its entirety.

I am transgender.

While this is new information to you it is something I’ve known from my earliest memories. From four or five years old and going through my college years I would have verbalized this as “I wish I was a girl.” As I learned more about myself and what is known about what I was experiencing, I would rephrase that to say that mentally I’ve always been female but to the rest of the world I appeared to be male.

As a young child I thought there was something wrong. I had no idea there were others like me. Of course, I asked myself and God why I felt this way. There is no definitive answer.

I believe, and there is scientific theory that supports this, that I was born this way. Whether it’s genetic or something that took place in utero doesn’t especially matter but it is something I did not choose to be and no one made me transgender.

You may be asking why I choose to share this with you now. There are a few reasons. First, as I said, you are my friends and I felt it was important for you to know one of the most important parts of who I am. Second, I hope that in some small way this will make being transgender a bit less abstract. Knowing someone who is transgender might increase your knowledge and, dare I say, your acceptance of those who are transgender. We’re only about 1% of the population and many of us, like myself until now, are hidden from view.

There is no transgender narrative we all follow. Some learn about this aspect of themselves later in life, others know it for all of their lives. Some chose to transition and live a life that matches how they feel about themselves. Others keep it a closely guarded secret.

As some of you are aware, I’m a Christian. The struggle this presented to my faith was significant. Since I believe this is the way I was born I don’t see this as a sin.

As I said, I plan no major changes in my life. I expect to continue looking as I do now and living a life as a husband, father and grandfather. If I were younger I suspect there would be changes but I don’t see that as a viable option at this time in my life.

You may ask how does my wife feel about this. While she can best speak for herself and considers this a private matter, let me say I did share this part of me with her before we were engaged and I promised her I would not transition to being a woman for the rest of our lives together. I have also shared this with my daughters and their husbands. I am very happy to say I had acceptance from them all.

One of the best analogies I’ve heard about being transgender that could have some resonance with those of you who aren’t is about being right or left handed. For most of you, it was the way you were born. You didn’t decide to be left or right handed and if you were forced at this point in your life to switch to the opposite hand it would be a struggle that would most likely feel unnatural for the rest of your life.

As I said, I welcome you thoughts and questions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I value your friendship and I hope you still consider me a friend.

Offline Gertrude

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2020, 01:29:41 pm »
I have to wonder about saying there's was something wrong. That's based on societies expectations. Looking back I'd rather say I knew I was different, but yes, wrong has it's place I guess, due to the consequences of revealing the truth. For most of us, we would have been found to be wrong. Somehow, I am not happy with that. It's defining oneself based on what others think/believe or may. Otherwise cool. Wrong just struck a chord.

Online RandyL

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2020, 03:17:28 pm »
Hi Becky, awesome letter. Wish I'd written something this articulate when I came out to all our friends and 60-some extended families a few years ago.

In my case I came out as a way to support my wife. She wanted to be able to share and discuss with her family and friends. She realized my transgender nature does not reflect on her, but it impacts her.

I hope your closeted life can be satisfying and fulfilling.

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Casting about for my best path forward...

Offline BeckyCNJ

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2020, 03:20:22 pm »
Thanks, Gertrude.

While I certainly don't consider anything about me "wrong" today, I did feel that way when I was a child and thought I was the only boy who wanted to be a girl. I tried using it in the past-tense but you may be right that others would consider it as saying being transgender is wrong.

Becky

Offline Pammie

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2020, 05:17:28 pm »
Thanks, Gertrude.

While I certainly don't consider anything about me "wrong" today, I did feel that way when I was a child and thought I was the only boy who wanted to be a girl. I tried using it in the past-tense but you may be right that others would consider it as saying being transgender is wrong.

Becky
I’m interested to know in what ways you are able to give your real persona breathing room. It sounds like you are not planning to actually publish the letter or do I misunderstand?
Is it really difficult to act with a false persona all the time? I truly could not imagine having to do that? X


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Offline BeckyCNJ

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #5 on: August 11, 2020, 06:05:41 pm »
Pammie,

I have no plans to publicly release the letter but I do hope at some point in the future there will be an opportunity. It may happen if my wife is willing for me to share that information publicly or if it somehow leaks out. I see this letter as constantly being edited until such time it does become public. That was one of the reasons I posted to the group because I want to get feedback on what could/should be changed.

I feel that having the letter available will make it so I don't have to scramble should someone out me. Better to write it now, while I'm calm and not upset.

It's becoming increasingly difficult to operate with this false persona. Places like Susans.org and Facebook give me some opportunity to be who I am. As I said in the letter, my adult daughters have been very supportive so I can share that side of me with them. One of them even offered to give me a makeover, which I haven't been able to take advantage of yet.

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #6 on: August 31, 2020, 07:31:48 pm »
@BeckyCNJ
Dear Becky:

Wishing you a very, very
    H A P P Y   B I R T H D A Y
                    :icon_birthday:         :icon_birthday:
       
I trust and hope that you have an enjoyable Special Day
that includes friends, family, CAKE and Candles.
   :icon_dance:

***NOTE:  Be sure to look for a special gift on your profile on your birthday on Sept 1st.!!!


HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
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Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

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