Author Topic: Life can be difficult  (Read 289 times)

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Offline MelissaAnn

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Life can be difficult
« on: August 11, 2020, 11:58:59 am »
Life is hard at times for everyone, but the life of a transgender person at times can be simply unbearable. It doesn't seem fair that we have to struggle and fight with ourselves from the moment you are born.
It has taken years for me to find it within myself to come to grips with this struggle. There has been a lifetime of turmoil, self-doubt, and self-loathing to overcome. Happiness, true happiness eluded me.
I had built up a house of cards of a life that rested in a daily precarious position. Where the slightest shift in any part of my life would come crashing down. It's hard to fathom, for most people, just how precarious it really is.
To feel security in my life was tenuous at best. To try living my life to others expectations of who I am. To have choices made for you. To be made to feel like you are invisible or an inconvenience. All because I knew I was different but didn't know just how to explain it to myself let alone everyone else.
All my life there was a sense of being inadequate, feeling broken, feeling incomplete, feeling silenced, and lost. I did not belong. Now just imagine these feeling being comprehended by a small child of 4,5, or 6 years old. How could a child possibly process this?
These are the challenges and struggles I have dealt with all my life. Even when I was sent to a child psychologist, I was told it's a phase you're going through. You'll just get over it. What does this do to the psyche of a child? Yet another adult who reaffirms how broken I am. Throughout my life I have heard words like sick, troubled, crazy, psychotic, delusional, perverted, and pedophile. All labels assigned by family, loved ones and society. Right from the starting gate the odds are stacked against a transgender person. It's a heck of a lot of baggage to carry for a child on one's own shoulders. It's a deep hole to start a child's life off in.
Day after day going through life pressures mounted. The more pressure I was under the more I tried to suppress and hide my feelings and the sense of who I am. One of my added pressures was my sexuality also. I am attracted to both men and women which was very much troublesome as a teenager. I never was secure enough in myself growing up to express my sexuality. In the 70's and 80's society wasn't very kind to gay and lesbian people. I am the first to admit I was confused and scared.
I was very isolated and alone because as far as I knew I was the only person like me in this world. It was a very dissolute feeling to be in a world that I felt I wasn't a part of. I tried to change who I am so I could fit in but the more I changed the less I actually fit in and the more desperate I felt.
In the mid 90's I heard the word transsexual for the first time but I didn't know what it meant and I looked it up in a dictionary and there it was. A MENTAL DISORDER!!! I was devastated. I became extremely depressed. By the early 2000's I started seeing more people like me on the internet. There was still a big stigma surrounding being LGBT but I was seeing so many gay and lesbian people celebrating life.
By time 2010 came around I had gone through the worst decade of my life. My marriage had disintegrated and ended in divorce. I went through 23 surgeries on my back. I became addicted to pain medication. I was in an assisted living facility. All hope was gone. I was never so lost. So on August 19th, 2011 I was done. All hope was gone. I wanted out. I tried to commit suicide.
When I woke up in the hospital my first thought was, I can't even kill myself right! How absolutely pathetic am I.
It's amazing to me now how I thought waking up in the hospital was the worst day of my life but in reality, it was one of the best days in my life. I had hit the ultimate rock bottom of life. Not wanting to live anymore. The pits of total despair.
Through my hospital stay and beyond I had an amazing psychiatrist who was able to get me to open up and set me up with a gender therapist. A spark was reignited within me and I started to fight for my survival.
It was a long road to overcoming many years of societal pressures. A little over 3 years of repairing the damage I caused to my own body in my suicide attempt. 3 years of learning to accept who I was. I dumped out the garbage can of my life and piece by piece went through everything. Throwing out the pieces that didn't belong. Some pieces went up on a shelf and knew they needed fixing. Other pieces needed to be cleaned and polished.
One piece that needed to be fixed was my identity. The one piece I tried to bury the deepest. Its was the part of my consciousness that my subconscious tried to remove. It became evident this was the piece that didn't need fixing but instead needed embracing.
On October 1st, 2014 after doing a tremendous amount of work on myself. After finally embracing the core of who I am. I took the first step and embarked into a renewed life. I started correcting my life and started my transition. My identity has always been female. I have fully established my female life in the world. A world where I am no longer struggling with my identity. A world that I now fit into. A world I have taken an active role in. Not only do I live my life, I love my life.


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Life can be difficult
« Reply #1 on: August 11, 2020, 12:33:24 pm »
Hi MelissaAnn,

Thanks for sharing!  It is wonderful that you were able to start anew.

Marion


Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Life can be difficult
« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2020, 02:25:58 pm »
Hi, MelissaAnn....thank you for sharing that.

I think a lot of us who are closer to 50, rather than 25, have endured similar experiences....I was put through the ringer as a child as well, but even when I was young, I had a pretty high sense of self-consciousness, so I didn't reveal everything (and, I'm really glad I didn't).

(It's crazy, though....years of psychology/counselling as a child, only to find out, much later in life, there was NEVER anything wrong.  )

I'm really glad you came through....your strength is inspiring. :)
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)

Offline EZ Linus

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Re: Life can be difficult
« Reply #4 on: August 11, 2020, 02:38:31 pm »
MelissaAnn,

Your story is amazing and inspiring. Thank you for sharing it. Both my partner and I have a lot of similar experiences being older and growing up in a time where even being gay was not really accepted. My partner only recently came out as female (MTF) and is learning how to cope in her new life. I am non-binary and remember my first counseling as a child when the psychiatrist said I wanted to be my brother and was severely mentally ill. That messed with my head for decades! It made my coming out as gay/bi very difficult, then came the shaming of my parents and other societal brainwashing...I suppressed everything and shoved my feelings deep down for twenty years. I was suicidal. The whole nine. It took so much work to get where I am today. I think it's so important that we continue to survive the worst and hope for the best. We survived and we keep going. Good for you!

Best wishes and welcome.

EZ


Offline Susannah

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Re: Life can be difficult
« Reply #6 on: August 11, 2020, 08:05:28 pm »
Thank you for sharing your experiences. Not sure if anyone here really had very easy life experiences but many ended up better as result.  I am glad that you have found peace with yourself.

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