Author Topic: Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.  (Read 375 times)

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Offline DebbieB

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    • Debbie Ballard: IT Architect & Author
Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.
« on: August 15, 2020, 01:45:49 am »
I'm Debbie Ballard, also known as Debbie Lawrence in some social media and my books.

I'm 60+ years old and have known I was "one of the girls" since I was about 3 years old, and knew I was not one of the boys even as young as 18 months old.  Until I was 6, most of my friends were girls, and we played together and just had fun together.  At 6 I was forced to play with the boys, and it didn't go well.  It was the beginning of nearly a decade of bullying, daily assaults, intimidation, and loneliness.  I wasn't allowed to play with the girls anymore.  I tried to tell my mom I wanted to be a girl, but she found out that the treatment at the time was shock therapy, torture, sleep deprivation, and terror tactics - similar to what she had endured a few years earlier.  She had to protect me so she refused to let me talk about it or talk to anyone else about it.  She made it clear that something terrible would happen if I did.

I became a loner, and did a LOT of reading, often reading as many as 8 books a week and usually several grades above my supposed reading level.  I was reading at high school level by the time I was 8 and college level by the time I was 11, mostly non-fiction, especially chemistry, physics, electronics, radio, religion, philosophy, history, and the classics.

Puberty was particularly rough, and I looked like a girl from the back and a boy from the front, even in the showers.  When I found out I had a bass singing voice, I became very suicidal and self-destructive, drinking and drugging, attempting to overdose and going into blackouts instead.  It seems that my blackout personality was a bit of a slut, which is why I kept getting invited to druggie parties.  In 18 months, I tried suicide several dozen times, but made it look like an accident so I wouldn't get institutionalized.

Fortunately, I ended up making friends with several gay boys, and when other guys came on to me because I was so girlie, I would introduce them to each other.  I became the social director and match maker for the gays at my school.  Fortunately, this was right after stonewall, and the Gay Liberation movement was just starting to grow, but nobody understood transsexual and the word transgender didn't exist.

After high school I went to a women's college (they needed men for the theater program and choir), and then went to live in a convent (converted to a commune), and managed movie theaters, sold video equipment, set up a rental program, and then started selling computers.  I became a programmer.

I moved in with a girl, told her I was a cross-dresser, didn't know how to explain the "girl inside", and we got married.  It didn't take long for her to see the girl inside and we wanted children.  She found a way to get pregnant (I wasn't producing), and as she began to resent the girl, I spent more time at work, took the baby for the week-end, and tried to avoid what became an abusive relationship.

At 30, I went public as Debbie and quickly found a new network of supportive friends.  Unfortunately, my employer found out, and my wife decided she didn't want to be married anymore.  She moved in with her boyfriend, I moved to Denver, and found a new job, made some new friends, a new girlfriend, and gained confidence as Debbie, getting real life experience with the intent of starting HRT after the prerequisite year of RLE.

The divorce was expensive, my ex wanted me away from the kids, and I eventually moved east on what was supposed to be a 6 month consulting contract and turned out to be 3 decades of a consulting career in which I pulled together resources from multiple companies and organizations to create extraordinary projects and get out of their way, projects like making the Internet available to the public, getting 8,000 publishers to put their content on Linux servers and publish it on the Internet via web servers, making the Internet available globally by getting companies to ship obsolete Windows computers to India, Africa, Latin America, and Eastern Europe, then helping Red Hat send people to those countries and teach students how to install Linux on servers and PCs.  Eventually, I joined IBM and pioneered new ways to support remote teams, collaboration, offshore resources, virtual machines, clusters, and clouds which took me all over the United States and to many parts of the world..

I started HRT in 2011 and went full time in 2012, with the support of my second wife who knew I was transgender and liked Debbie even more than she liked Rex.  She did have to play "What not to wear" with me, and throwing out a decade of club-wear with fond memories was hard, but the new wardrobe was wonderful and I blended so well that I almost never get read.

Today, I'm retired due to disability but love to write.  I've written 9 books so far, and am working on a 10th.  I'm also active on social media and blogs and love to participate in Transgender support groups, both live and online.  I'm happy to be back on Susan's place and excited to see some wonderful conversations happening today.
Debbie Ballard - IT Architect
1st Transition 1988 to 1997 - detransitioned
2nd Transition 2010
HRT since 2011
Full Time since 2012

Offline Rakel

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Re: Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.
« Reply #1 on: August 15, 2020, 05:05:48 am »
Welcome back Debbie.

It is very good when we can work through our various dysphorias and still maintain a close personal relationship with someone we want to be with. I am happy for you.

Take care.  :-*




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Maid Marion

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Re: Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.
« Reply #2 on: August 15, 2020, 08:24:27 am »
Hi Debbie,

Thanks for sharing.  Particularly the part about finding someone who appreciates you as you are.

Marion

Offline Cecile89

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Re: Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2020, 03:32:19 am »
Wow, that was a really inspiring story. I wish you had an easier, more authentic life earlier, but is amazing to see how you managed to pull through all these years, decades even! And now you get to be yourself. I think that is an incredible success story, even though I can imagine that even after all these years the shadows of the past might still be a bit present.
I wish you happiness. :)

Offline VickyMI

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Re: Boomer MtF with a long history - short intro.
« Reply #4 on: September 02, 2020, 06:52:55 am »
Welcome Debbie!

Thanks for sharing your background.  It’s always interesting to read about members unique history while interlaced with common transgender experiences that we can all relate with.