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The Chronicles of Caela

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CaelaNotKayla:
Hello everyone!

I'm taking the plunge and starting my own blog thread.  For those of you I haven't yet had the pleasure to interact with, my name is Caela, and I'm a 46 year old widowed MTF/bigendered individual, and currently identify predominately female.  I'd like to share some of my daily trials, tribulations and observations- but before I get there, I need the catharsis of telling my story.  It's not a Disney fairy tale- kisses don't wake the princess up, she doesn't live happily ever after with her "street-rat" prince by her side, and the shoe definitely doesn't fit... but it is real life- and it starts with an ending.

Part One- All Good Things...

2020 has been a difficult year for all of us, but my challenges began long before COVID-19 shut the world down.  As the door closed on 2019- My wife was fully engaged in her battle with cancer, and my father was in a accelerated decline in his health.  I never imagined that they would both be gone within months.

My father was the first to go, before the year had barely begun.  During the planning for his funeral we heard rumors of a potential pandemic virus spreading in China.  Within a couple months COVID-19 had spread to our community- and shortly thereafter we were in lockdown and working from home.

Lockdown caused a significant shift in my wife's cancer treatment.  Everyone has heard of the families of COVID patients being unable to be with their loved ones, but in our community every patient- regardless of what they were being treated for- were blocked from having someone with them. I was no longer allowed in to hear the words of the doctors and nurses- and it became much harder to advocate for her care.  She had surgeries, treatments, and chemo all without the support of someone next to her.  We went into lockdown in the knowledge that her treatments were not working as they had hoped- and sometime during lockdown she was told that her cancer had spread to a point where the remaining options were no longer viable.  She held this information to herself and wouldn't talk about it- but it was obvious that her sense of hope had vanished overnight.  Her health declined fast, and we soon called in hospice to provide her with palliative care.

I woke up early one day to the sound of my wife's rattled breathing.  I was holding her hand when she passed away.  I felt her life fade away as the warmth left her body.  Her nine month fight with Metastatic Colon Cancer had come to an end.

In a moment everything in my life changed.  A gaping hole existed where the center of my life once was.  All of a sudden I was a single parent.  At first I tried to keep moving forward.  Funeral planning again.  School for the kids.  Work.  Figuring out finances on a single salary.  Seeing memories in everything I touched.  That is, except for one thing- something I found on a shelf in the back of the closet, something that I'd never seen before.

One brown wig. 

And in that ending is my new beginning.

Next- An Old Friend

Caela

SarahEL:
Caela, well done with being so brave and starting your blog..here for you and reading.. xx

 (I hope 2021 gets better for all of us.)

Northern Star Girl:
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela
I am so glad to see that you have started your very own thread that is all about YOU and your experiences !!!
Consider this your personal journal that you can share with your readers and followers here on the Forums.

The previous reply comment from @SarahEL is correct...
--- Quote from: SarahEL on September 08, 2020, 06:50:40 pm ---Caela, well done with being so brave and starting your blog..here for you and reading.. xx

 (I hope 2021 gets better for all of us.)

--- End quote ---

I am very happy to read that you are now documenting your official transition journey with your very own personal Blog/Journal.
Yes indeed, I and the rest of your new followers to your thread here will want to see you post updates and even a few photos.

In addition to having several ongoing threads here I also keep and "old-school" pen&paper journal at home for my eyes only.  I include lots of venting and thoughts that I have and also include some colorful doodling and an occasional snap shot photo or two.  On a cold and rainy night in front of my fireplace I can find myself in my comfy chair reading my journal for hours, sometimes with tears of joy in my eyes and sometimes with tears of unhappiness. 
Your journals will be a very good form of therapy for yourself.   Keep them updated.

Having you own journal thread here on the forums is very good therapy that allows you to not only safely vent about you disappointments and failures but also about your successes and your good experiences.

When you post good news, we are here to rejoice and be happy with you and when you report not-so-good news, we are here to listen and to lend our shoulder for you to lean on.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for your success and happiness.

Again, thank you for starting your very own thread, I will be eagerly looking for your updates as you feel so led to share them with us.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

Birdie on a Wire:
Oh Caela... I am so, so very sorry the loss of your wife. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling.

I can relate with what you said “Seeing memories in everything I touched.”  Years ago I divorced and in little things... innocuous, mundane activities I would feel memories. I physically ached over the loss. It is the closest I can think if at how it must feel for you.

Again, my deepest condolences.

Take care. I look forward to reading more from you.

CaelaNotKayla:
Thanks Sarah, Danielle and Birdie- 

Your support really means a lot to me- I don't think that I would be posting here if it wasn't for the care and compassion that I've seen from everyone on the forums- and I wouldn't be baring my soul if not for the strength that I've seen in your own posts.


--- Quote from: Birdie on a Wire on September 08, 2020, 08:20:14 pm ---I can relate with what you said “Seeing memories in everything I touched.”  Years ago I divorced and in little things... innocuous, mundane activities I would feel memories. I physically ached over the loss. It is the closest I can think if at how it must feel for you.

--- End quote ---
Birdie- my therapist says that the strongest feelings will come from the mundane, normal activities that you wouldn't think twice about- but made up more of your life than you admit.  Grocery shopping of all things often turns me into a wreck.


--- Quote from: SarahEL on September 08, 2020, 06:50:40 pm --- (I hope 2021 gets better for all of us.)

--- End quote ---
Sarah- I'm in full agreement- (knock on wood, throw salt over shoulder) we all need a better 2021!

Again- thank you all for your support!

Caela

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