Author Topic: The Chronicles of Caela  (Read 6243 times)

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Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #160 on: November 23, 2020, 08:47:57 pm »
@davina61 @TSL_NB

Thanks ladies!

TSL-  I really like my long wigs. I'm not convinced that I've got enough real hair to hold a topper in place (haha). My wife had bought some cancer caps, and I've been using them when I'm active and don't feel like putting a wig on.  These have an integrated scarf around the headband that I can drape in the back to give the feel of longer hair back there in a ponytail.  But if I'm going out for anything beyond a walk around the neighborhood I'm putting on one of my wigs!

Davina-  "Coco the Clown" just about describes it!  but since even that pops out from under my cancer caps, the color really does make a difference!  It's another thing that makes me feel good!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline RandyL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #161 on: November 23, 2020, 10:43:04 pm »
Caela, I've just found your blog and have read quite a bit of it. It's fascinating and you tell your story so well! I offer my belated condolences for the passing of your wife. That's a precursor to transition that I'm lucky not to have faced. You are very strong and such a good parent for your children.

I'm glad you were able to come out to them and that they accept you. That's so, so important. I'm lucky that my grown children also accept me. I know some folks who have been split from their children by this, and I'm glad not to have to go there.

Keep on keeping on!
Randy
Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal


Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #162 on: November 24, 2020, 12:35:31 am »
Caela, I've just found your blog and have read quite a bit of it. It's fascinating and you tell your story so well! I offer my belated condolences for the passing of your wife. That's a precursor to transition that I'm lucky not to have faced. You are very strong and such a good parent for your children.

I'm glad you were able to come out to them and that they accept you. That's so, so important. I'm lucky that my grown children also accept me. I know some folks who have been split from their children by this, and I'm glad not to have to go there.

Keep on keeping on!
Randy
@RandyL

Thanks Randy- I miss her every day.   My kids have really been a rock for me this year, when so many have been knocked out from under me- having that connection has been incredible as I've moved from tentative exploration to understanding this is who I am.  I'm glad that your kids are there for you too- and I'm sure their support means to you what mine means to me- it means the world to me.

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #163 on: December 05, 2020, 01:19:46 am »
Part Seventeen- A Circle of Sensibilities

I’m often asked if I ever dressed up while my wife was still alive- Did we go out as swapped genders or was it just something we kept hid at home.  If you’ve read this blog you know that my discovery was after my wife had lost her fight with cancer.  Looking back- I see a lot of tendencies that I was quite blind about, but my wife in her lifetime only knew a person identifying as cisgender male.

One of those tendencies was being rather curious about my wife’s wardrobe selections- and unlike many of the girls, very little of it was of a size that would fit me.  I’d hold things up and wonder why my wife chose this- or why she didn’t wear something that was rather attractive to me. 

And then of course, one day this wardrobe was my inheritance.  My first furtive experiments started with a more or less complete wardrobe- that I really couldn’t fit into…. My wife’s accessories, jewelry and scarves get quite a bit of use, but all those cute clothes have sadly passed along to other closets. 

------

I am not the only one in my family to have lost their spouse this year- my Mom lost my Dad four months before my wife passed away. 

He was someone who desired everything to be perfect, and I was far from it before my discovery.  For every proud word he’d say to someone else about me, I’d only hear how much of a failure I was.  To say that my father would not approve of my current state is a vast understatement.  I can just imagine what I would hear from him had I appeared before him with my beautiful long hair and makeup.

My mom on the other hand has been accepting.  Yes, she can’t get my name or pronouns right- but doesn’t raise a fuss about my appearance and has said on multiple occasions that she’s happy if I’m happy.  I’ve wondered about how far that acceptance would go- and I’d soon find out how far.

-----

My Mom invited me and the kids over to visit and have dinner- and before she served dessert, she brought down a bundle of clothing for me!  She had gone through her closet looking for things I might be able to wear.  Like me she had been losing weight too, and there were things that too big for her anymore.  My mom is a tiny person, and I just had this thought that she was trying to be nice- too big for her would still be too small for me.  But I’m a dutiful daughter, and I went up to her bedroom to try them on.  There were four blouses and two skirts.

I started with the skirts- both of them were pleated long skirts- in a size that might be a little smaller than I’d been buying- but one I knew my weight loss was trending to.  Both fit well- probably better on me than ever did on my petite mom. 

I moved onto the blouses.  I have to buy bigger tops, and these tops were labeled in a size that I knew would be a challenge for me.  The first blouse was way too tight- I could feel it in the shoulders before I even buttoned the front.  The second blouse however was loose enough to wear!  The third blouse was even bigger and looked like it had never even been worn.  The last blouse I tried was about the same as the third one.



Mom shared that the first blouse was big, but of a size she could wear.  The second one was something she picked up but was too loose for her.  The last two were Christmas gifts from my wife- and were so large she had never had the chance to wear. 

And I find my story coming full circle- from inheriting my wife’s wardrobe in her sensibilities (that didn’t fit) to finding myself bringing home clothing from my wife’s sensibilities that does fit!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline davina61

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #164 on: December 05, 2020, 03:28:52 am »
Yes my mum has been great, before lockdown she would go charity shop trawling with her sister at least once a week and bring me stuff (not all to my taste!) . I have been with them and they both help me look for stuff. Not sure what my dad would have said but he passed a long time .
 Its great your mom is on your side, be you and the world accepts . XXXX BTW my mum is 84, digs her own veg and looks after herself well (but she cant do technology !!)
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Birdie on a Wire

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #165 on: December 05, 2020, 07:37:53 am »
What a heartwarming story Caela. It is unbelievably sweet.

Like you, I am extremely lucky to have someone in my life who is not only accepting but encouraging and affirming.... my spouse of 12 yrs.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight. In fact it took several months of talking and talking and talking and yes... more talking.

She has been amazing much like your mother, which is so sweet to hear how she’s been with you. So happy for you.

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #166 on: December 05, 2020, 07:55:38 am »
I am so glad you have people around you like your mom sis... You really find out who is special in your life at times like these...
Your clothes haul sounds like a nice bonus as well.. though we do have to talk about the peach socks! hahaha!....
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

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Offline EllenW

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #167 on: December 05, 2020, 10:36:46 am »
Caela,

It is wonderful that you have such a supportive mother. I kept it a secret from my parents. My wife always knew but I always reverted back to a male presentation when we visited. Only are my mom's passing did I start to transition. Like Birdie on the Wire, I have been lucky to have the support of the love of my life, but only after decades of work by both of us.

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #168 on: December 05, 2020, 11:51:44 am »
Yes my mum has been great, before lockdown she would go charity shop trawling with her sister at least once a week and bring me stuff (not all to my taste!) . I have been with them and they both help me look for stuff. Not sure what my dad would have said but he passed a long time .
 Its great your mom is on your side, be you and the world accepts . XXXX BTW my mum is 84, digs her own veg and looks after herself well (but she cant do technology !!)

Thanks Davina!  My mom and my mother-in-law go shopping, and after trying on the clothes I showed my mom my selfies to give her a peek at my tastes.... she off-handedly said that she should go shopping with me and not my mother-in-law!!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #169 on: December 05, 2020, 11:56:16 am »
What a heartwarming story Caela. It is unbelievably sweet.

Like you, I am extremely lucky to have someone in my life who is not only accepting but encouraging and affirming.... my spouse of 12 yrs.

It certainly didn’t happen overnight. In fact it took several months of talking and talking and talking and yes... more talking.

She has been amazing much like your mother, which is so sweet to hear how she’s been with you. So happy for you.

Thanks Birdie!  I'm really happy to hear that you have that someone in your life too. My wife never got to know this me, so I'm very glad that my kids and my moms are there and accepting!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #170 on: December 05, 2020, 11:57:59 am »
I am so glad you have people around you like your mom sis... You really find out who is special in your life at times like these...
Your clothes haul sounds like a nice bonus as well.. though we do have to talk about the peach socks! hahaha!....

Thanks Sis!  The orange socks were a great match with the clothes I wore over to Moms... much less so what she had me try on (haha)

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #171 on: December 05, 2020, 12:02:32 pm »
Caela,

It is wonderful that you have such a supportive mother. I kept it a secret from my parents. My wife always knew but I always reverted back to a male presentation when we visited. Only are my mom's passing did I start to transition. Like Birdie on the Wire, I have been lucky to have the support of the love of my life, but only after decades of work by both of us.

Ellen

Thanks Ellen!  My Mom is an angel!  I think when I came out to my mother-in-law it was less shocking that I was standing before them en femme than it was for her to see how supportive my Mom was about it!  My mom has really started to come into her own with dad's passing, and she surprises me with things I never thought I'd hear mom say!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline Pammie

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #172 on: December 05, 2020, 12:42:21 pm »
Thanks Ellen!  My Mom is an angel!  I think when I came out to my mother-in-law it was less shocking that I was standing before them en femme than it was for her to see how supportive my Mom was about it!  My mom has really started to come into her own with dad's passing, and she surprises me with things I never thought I'd hear mom say!

Hugs!

Caela
Im so glad you have that support. Ur a lovely lady who has been through so much and yet always makes time on SP to support others. The world is a much better place for having Caela in ur. Xxx


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Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #173 on: December 05, 2020, 01:32:13 pm »
Im so glad you have that support. Ur a lovely lady who has been through so much and yet always makes time on SP to support others. The world is a much better place for having Caela in ur. Xxx


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Awww!!! Thanks Pammie!  I'm glad that I can pay it forward for all the support and encouragement that I've received from my friends on SP!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline Pammie

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #174 on: December 05, 2020, 02:08:34 pm »
Awww!!! Thanks Pammie!  I'm glad that I can pay it forward for all the support and encouragement that I've received from my friends on SP!

Hugs!

Caela



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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #175 on: December 05, 2020, 04:35:12 pm »
@CaelaNotKayla   @Pammie   @EllenW  @SarahEL
@Birdie on a Wire  @davina61  @RandyL  @TSL_NB
@ChrissyRyan  @SoCal_Holly
   ...
....and all of our members that offer their timely support and encouragement to our members.

The Susan's Place Forums is the the place to be to help us with our travels on the transition road.
Thank you all for your support and comments around the Forums.


HUGS and more HUGS,
Danielle


Awww!!! Thanks Pammie!  I'm glad that I can pay it forward for all the support and encouragement that I've received from my friends on SP!

Hugs!

Caela
« Last Edit: January 02, 2021, 04:15:09 pm by Northern Star Girl »
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #176 on: December 14, 2020, 01:25:18 am »
Hello everyone! 

It's been a bit since I last posted on my blog, so I thought I'd touch base.  It's the holiday season and wonderful things are happening- hopefully I'll be able to say more later, but I'm still working through the all the implications with my therapist.  The biggest gift that I've been able to give myself this year is self-acceptance, no matter where that takes me.  Today that is taking me on the adventure of normality.  I don't dress up anymore, I just dress.  I don't feel like I have to put on makeup- I put it on when I want to.  I don't feel like I have to be anything other than myself!

Now everything isn't a perfect world of positivity.... without long hair of my own, I've developed a habit of absently playing with my earrings- and my fave pair of amethyst studs broke!  These are flat backs, with a hollow stem that the front piece pins into, and the pin broke inside the hollow stem!  I can't get the pin out so I can't resolder it back on!   Oh well, it's forced me to try out the rest of my earrings and get over my fear of swapping them in and out.  In addition to what I already had in my cabinet- I picked up new go-to pairs for both girl-mode and guy-mode.  A beautiful Tanzanite pair for the girl, and jet-black cubic zirconia for the guy.  Little steps every day!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline davina61

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #177 on: December 14, 2020, 04:25:57 am »
Yes dear its just getting dressed not dressing up, not worn any glad rags since March and when I put on make up its BB cream and a streak of blush . Reminds me that I need to wash face masks! Hate it when earrings break , always the favourites due to constant wear. Bought some nice red and gold studs and the  shaft broke on one putting it in the first time.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #178 on: December 14, 2020, 01:47:02 pm »
Yes dear its just getting dressed not dressing up, not worn any glad rags since March and when I put on make up its BB cream and a streak of blush . Reminds me that I need to wash face masks! Hate it when earrings break , always the favourites due to constant wear. Bought some nice red and gold studs and the  shaft broke on one putting it in the first time.

Davina-

I bet no one put "Washing my face masks" on their list of things they would have to worry about at the beginning of the year! I sewed up a bunch of masks (I like the kind that ties in the back instead of the around the ears) so that I wouldn't have to do a load of masks quite as often.

That would really bother me if I broke a stud right off the bat.... Luckily for mine I bought the set as two singles, and I may be able to buy a replacement for the one the broke.

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline Pammie

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #179 on: December 14, 2020, 02:36:42 pm »
Hello everyone! 

It's been a bit since I last posted on my blog, so I thought I'd touch base.  It's the holiday season and wonderful things are happening- hopefully I'll be able to say more later, but I'm still working through the all the implications with my therapist.  The biggest gift that I've been able to give myself this year is self-acceptance, no matter where that takes me.  Today that is taking me on the adventure of normality.  I don't dress up anymore, I just dress.  I don't feel like I have to put on makeup- I put it on when I want to.  I don't feel like I have to be anything other than myself!

Now everything isn't a perfect world of positivity.... without long hair of my own, I've developed a habit of absently playing with my earrings- and my fave pair of amethyst studs broke!  These are flat backs, with a hollow stem that the front piece pins into, and the pin broke inside the hollow stem!  I can't get the pin out so I can't resolder it back on!   Oh well, it's forced me to try out the rest of my earrings and get over my fear of swapping them in and out.  In addition to what I already had in my cabinet- I picked up new go-to pairs for both girl-mode and guy-mode.  A beautiful Tanzanite pair for the girl, and jet-black cubic zirconia for the guy.  Little steps every day!

Hugs!

Caela
Ooh exciting! Now I’m impatient to know more hun!
Good thinking re ear studs! Xx


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