Part Seventeen- A Circle of SensibilitiesI’m often asked if I ever dressed up while my wife was still alive- Did we go out as swapped genders or was it just something we kept hid at home. If you’ve read this blog you know that my discovery was after my wife had lost her fight with cancer. Looking back- I see a lot of tendencies that I was quite blind about, but my wife in her lifetime only knew a person identifying as cisgender male.
One of those tendencies was being rather curious about my wife’s wardrobe selections- and unlike many of the girls, very little of it was of a size that would fit me. I’d hold things up and wonder why my wife chose this- or why she didn’t wear something that was rather attractive to me.
And then of course, one day this wardrobe was my inheritance. My first furtive experiments started with a more or less complete wardrobe- that I really couldn’t fit into…. My wife’s accessories, jewelry and scarves get quite a bit of use, but all those cute clothes have sadly passed along to other closets.
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I am not the only one in my family to have lost their spouse this year- my Mom lost my Dad four months before my wife passed away.
He was someone who desired everything to be perfect, and I was far from it before my discovery. For every proud word he’d say to someone else about me, I’d only hear how much of a failure I was. To say that my father would not approve of my current state is a vast understatement. I can just imagine what I would hear from him had I appeared before him with my beautiful long hair and makeup.
My mom on the other hand has been accepting. Yes, she can’t get my name or pronouns right- but doesn’t raise a fuss about my appearance and has said on multiple occasions that she’s happy if I’m happy. I’ve wondered about how far that acceptance would go- and I’d soon find out how far.
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My Mom invited me and the kids over to visit and have dinner- and before she served dessert, she brought down a bundle of clothing for me! She had gone through her closet looking for things I might be able to wear. Like me she had been losing weight too, and there were things that too big for her anymore. My mom is a tiny person, and I just had this thought that she was trying to be nice- too big for her would still be too small for me. But I’m a dutiful daughter, and I went up to her bedroom to try them on. There were four blouses and two skirts.
I started with the skirts- both of them were pleated long skirts- in a size that might be a little smaller than I’d been buying- but one I knew my weight loss was trending to. Both fit well- probably better on me than ever did on my petite mom.
I moved onto the blouses. I have to buy bigger tops, and these tops were labeled in a size that I knew would be a challenge for me. The first blouse was way too tight- I could feel it in the shoulders before I even buttoned the front. The second blouse however was loose enough to wear! The third blouse was even bigger and looked like it had never even been worn. The last blouse I tried was about the same as the third one.
Mom shared that the first blouse was big, but of a size she could wear. The second one was something she picked up but was too loose for her. The last two were Christmas gifts from my wife- and were so large she had never had the chance to wear.
And I find my story coming full circle- from inheriting my wife’s wardrobe in her sensibilities (that didn’t fit) to finding myself bringing home clothing from my wife’s sensibilities that does fit!
Hugs!
Caela
