Part Four- Covert Operations
My birthday evening had been planned with friends for a while. Our community had just opened back up for in-person dining, and we had two tables reserved so that seven people could eat while following the socially distance guidelines. I was still on cloud nine from seeing myself complete. I looked (and felt) younger, vibrant, happy. I wished I could have stayed in that moment forever, but I knew though that I had to start getting ready for dinner. I reluctantly pulled out the makeup remover, and went back to male-mode. I looked in the mirror and saw a very drab dour face completely at odds with the girl I still saw staring out from my eyes. I knew I needed that feeling again, so I determined to try again tomorrow.
In my excitement, I'd forgotten that I'd made a pretty significant visual change in shaving off my beard. I'd worn a beard for the past 25 years, and my kids had never in their whole life seen me without a beard. They were the first to be shocked, before we even left the house. At the restaurant all my friends were shocked. I think I told them I did it so I could look younger. It wasn't quite untrue- I just left out the pieces that were truly important to me, and that felt wrong.
The next morning, I started thinking about my next steps. I knew there was more that I needed- a couple of tops don't make a full wardrobe. I calculated out the rest of my sizes, and my male-self went out shopping early- and found that my sizes weren't generally available. I quickly found more tops that would fit, but shoe sizes in stores stopped two sizes too small. Bottoms were a problem too. I realized that I'd need to search every rack in the store to find what I was looking for- and that would result in overwhelming anxiety for my male-mode self. I resigned myself to online orders.
I felt really bad that I now had a part of my life that I couldn't share with anyone, that I had to keep completely private- but unless I was ready to come out it was the only thing to do. My pattern was to get my work done early, run downstairs when my online orders showed up and grab them. I'd then lock my bedroom and go girl-mode for a bit. Try on clothes. Practice makeup. Spend a few fleeting moments being happy before going back to male-mode.
I learned that something that looks good online may be complete junk when you are holding it. Sizes all different, fabrics that didn't feel right. It was frustrating to know that I could probably find stuff in stores and make sure it was right before purchasing instead of the hit-and-miss of online shopping- if only I was comfortable being a male in a women's clothing department. But that was impossible. If I was a girl, no problem. But everyone would see through my bad makeup job and shapeless form- and I'd just be that much more uncomfortable. That thought made me sad until I had an epiphany.
The parts of my face that I was insecure about would be covered by a COVID mask! Maybe I could go out! Maybe I could go shopping! But I'd have to plan it like a military operation.
I figured I couldn't wear makeup under the mask, so I'd need to create enough of the rest of the illusion that I would be comfortable. My wig and my wife's glasses would go a long way, but I'd need shape underneath my blouse- I could dig out a bra of my wife's, 6 sizes too small, stretch myself into it and stuff the cups Anything that I didn't have I'd just have to choose my most androgynous alternate- it ought to be ok for an hour. Check!
I'd have to find a store that would be relatively quiet, and away from where anyone I know lived or worked or shopped. I could drive across town to a Walmart close to their closing time. Check!
I'd have to quickly change outside the house, since I couldn't run the risk of my kids or neighbors seeing me. I could wear a blouse underneath a football jersey, wig and glasses in a bag. I could change everything on a quiet street a couple of blocks away. Check!
And once there I'd have to try not to do anything that would out myself. Ok, so no talking, and I'd pay in cash. Check!
In hindsight, I can't believe I actually had the confidence to pull it off. I spent a wonderful hour doing what most women take for granted- digging through every rack looking for just the right thing- without anyone else taking a second look. I didn't end up buying a lot- but I had enough to complete at least one full outfit. Shorts, Jeans, Panties, a Bra that fits, a belt. I got home, closed my bedroom door, tried it all on and cried- everything I was wearing was feminine and my size. I was giddy with excitement, and my confidence in myself was soaring!
But it wasn't all wine and roses.... I wished that I had someone to share these feelings with. I knew the kids were concerned about me, and the time I was spending locked in my bedroom. After being out and about I didn't want to be locked in my bedroom anymore either.
And I knew there was only one answer to those problems. I was tired of secrets. The only question was could I accept the risk of losing the most important things in my life?
Or was it even a question at this point....
Next Part- Family Matters
Caela
