Author Topic: The Chronicles of Caela  (Read 6075 times)

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Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #20 on: September 11, 2020, 01:44:28 am »
Thanks for your latest update Caela... You come across as such a sweet and lovely person.
Your top in the photo looks lovely too...

and I will say it too (and have said it many times over the last few days)....

WOW CAE!


Can't wait for the next part xx

Thanks Sarah!

I'm really glad you like my story. It's quite cathartic to take a second look at my start and revisit how I was feeling at the time.  It's so empowering, but also scary, to put it down in words and post it for the world to see.  I've received so much help and enlightenment from those who came before me (yourself included :)) that it would be quite remiss of me to keep my tale to myself if it could provide encouragement to another.

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #21 on: September 11, 2020, 12:05:48 pm »
I can't believe I just did this!  In our part of the world we have a Friday ritual during the NFL (gridiron) football season called Blue Friday, where people show their Seattle Seahawks team pride at work.    I've been gearing up for supporting my team this season, and decided I wanted to wear the new stuff- So I woke up today, put on my blue and green wig,  my wife's jersey, some beads and joined my team's video conference call.  I got called out by one of the girls- "M--- you don't get to be cuter than me!"

Ill-advised?  Maybe.  Edgy?  Yes.  Self-affirming?  Most definitely!

Caela.

My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #22 on: September 11, 2020, 01:51:50 pm »
Part Four- Covert Operations

My birthday evening had been planned with friends for a while.  Our community had just opened back up for in-person dining, and we had two tables reserved so that seven people could eat while following the socially distance guidelines.  I was still on cloud nine from seeing myself complete.  I looked (and felt) younger, vibrant, happy.  I wished I could have stayed in that moment forever, but I knew though that I had to start getting ready for dinner. I reluctantly pulled out the makeup remover, and went back to male-mode.  I looked in the mirror and saw a very drab dour face completely at odds with the girl I still saw staring out from my eyes.  I knew I needed that feeling again, so I determined to try again tomorrow.

In my excitement, I'd forgotten that I'd made a pretty significant visual change in shaving off my beard.  I'd worn a beard for the past 25 years, and my kids had never in their whole life seen me without a beard. They were the first to be shocked, before we even left the house.  At the restaurant all my friends were shocked.  I think I told them I did it so I could look younger.  It wasn't quite untrue- I just left out the pieces that were truly important to me, and that felt wrong.

The next morning, I started thinking about my next steps.   I knew there was more that I needed- a couple of tops don't make a full wardrobe.  I calculated out the rest of my sizes, and my male-self went out shopping early- and found that my sizes weren't generally available.  I quickly found more tops that would fit, but shoe sizes in stores stopped two sizes too small.  Bottoms were a problem too.  I realized that I'd need to search every rack in the store to find what I was looking for- and that would result in overwhelming anxiety for my male-mode self. I resigned myself to online orders.

I felt really bad that I now had a part of my life that I couldn't share with anyone, that I had to keep completely private- but unless I was ready to come out it was the only thing to do. My pattern was to get my work done early, run downstairs when my online orders showed up and grab them.  I'd then lock my bedroom and go girl-mode for a bit.  Try on clothes.  Practice makeup.  Spend a few fleeting moments being happy before going back to male-mode.

I learned that something that looks good online may be complete junk when you are holding it.  Sizes all different, fabrics that didn't feel right.  It was frustrating to know that I could probably find stuff in stores and make sure it was right before purchasing instead of the hit-and-miss of online shopping- if only I was comfortable being a male in a women's clothing department.  But that was impossible.  If I was a girl, no problem.  But everyone would see through my bad makeup job and shapeless form- and I'd just be that much more uncomfortable.  That thought made me sad until I had an epiphany.

The parts of my face that I was insecure about would be covered by a COVID mask! Maybe I could go out!  Maybe I could go shopping! But I'd have to plan it like a military operation. 

I figured I couldn't wear makeup under the mask, so I'd need to create enough of the rest of the illusion that I would be comfortable.  My wig and my wife's glasses would go a long way, but I'd need shape underneath my blouse- I could dig out a bra of my wife's, 6 sizes too small, stretch myself into it and stuff the cups  Anything that I didn't have I'd just have to choose my most androgynous alternate- it ought to be ok for an hour.  Check!

I'd have to find a store that would be relatively quiet, and away from where anyone I know lived or worked or shopped.  I could drive across town to a Walmart close to their closing time.  Check!

I'd have to quickly change outside the house, since I couldn't run the risk of my kids or neighbors seeing me. I could wear a blouse underneath a football jersey, wig and glasses in a bag.  I could change everything on a quiet street a couple of blocks away.  Check!

And once there I'd have to try not to do anything that would out myself.  Ok, so no talking, and I'd pay in cash.  Check!

In hindsight, I can't believe I actually had the confidence to pull it off.   I spent a wonderful hour doing what most women take for granted- digging through every rack looking for just the right thing- without anyone else taking a second look.  I didn't end up buying a lot- but I had enough to complete at least one full outfit.  Shorts, Jeans, Panties, a Bra that fits, a belt.  I got home, closed my bedroom door, tried it all on and cried- everything I was wearing was feminine and my size.  I was giddy with excitement, and my confidence in myself was soaring!

But it wasn't all wine and roses.... I wished that I had someone to share these feelings with.  I knew the kids were concerned about me, and the time I was spending locked in my bedroom.  After being out and about I didn't want to be locked in my bedroom anymore either.

And I knew there was only one answer to those problems. I was tired of secrets. The only question was could I accept the risk of losing the most important things in my life?

Or was it even a question at this point....

Next Part- Family Matters

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #23 on: September 11, 2020, 04:05:29 pm »
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
I am so very glad that you got "brave" enough to start your very own personal journal/Blog.
While it is certainly important and helpful to you to document your transition and life story, all of your followers here will get an opportunity to travel with you on your journey.
The give and take of reply comments mixed with what you post here on your thread is something special for you and for all of your followers.

I love your Seattle Seahawks dressup day.... and YOUR HAIR !!!!!!

Again, thank you for keeping your thread updated with interesting happenings in your life!!!!,

HUGS and HUGS
Danielle

I can't believe I just did this!  In our part of the world we have a Friday ritual during the NFL (gridiron) football season called Blue Friday, where people show their Seattle Seahawks team pride at work.    I've been gearing up for supporting my team this season, and decided I wanted to wear the new stuff- So I woke up today, put on my blue and green wig,  my wife's jersey, some beads and joined my team's video conference call.  I got called out by one of the girls- "M--- you don't get to be cuter than me!"

Ill-advised?  Maybe.  Edgy?  Yes.  Self-affirming?  Most definitely!

Caela.


***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #24 on: September 11, 2020, 04:24:38 pm »
I guess I'm extra chatty today :)  I had an interesting conversation with my oldest kiddo while we were out driving. 

Them- " I have a weird question- when exactly did you know?"

Me- "I dunno, maybe a few weeks after your mom passed away."

Them- "I was wondering because you've been sending off feminine vibes for a long time"

That kinda floored me- I come to find out that in their eyes, I'd been putting out feminine vibes for years.  It makes you wonder about the signs that we all miss  (or downplay) in ourselves as we go through life- and how that drives a lot of the strain and depression and unhappiness so many of us face silently before we come out to ourselves.

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #25 on: September 11, 2020, 04:33:00 pm »
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
I am so very glad that you got "brave" enough to start your very own personal journal/Blog.
While it is certainly important and helpful to you to document your transition and life story, all of your followers here will get an opportunity to travel with you on your journey.
The give and take of reply comments mixed with what you post here on your thread is something special for you and for all of your followers.

I love your Seattle Seahawks dressup day.... and YOUR HAIR !!!!!!

Again, thank you for keeping your thread updated with interesting happenings in your life!!!!,

HUGS and HUGS
Danielle

@Northern Star Girl

Thanks Danielle! 

As much as I would love to have real hair like a lot of the girls here, I'm realistic about my chances for significant regrowth- and that really opens the door to explore different wigs!  I love this one and I can't wait for the stadium to reopen for this "12th Girl" to cheer for the 'Hawks in person!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #26 on: September 11, 2020, 06:01:43 pm »
Wonderful updates Cae... so I have to update my other post..

WOW CAE!

Kids can be wonderful...and see things a lot sooner than adults.  My daughter told me that she would call me mom... on her own volition. I never asked her to call me anything - when I said how humbled that made me feel, she added... But you've always been my mom??  yep, that made me cry...

Thankyou for sharing all this - I remember going out, with a man-mode covering my actual clothes, so as not to cause any upsets... It does get easier... and then you forget how much you had to hide...

Looking forward to more..!!  (sorry, I am greedy)
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #27 on: September 11, 2020, 09:33:05 pm »
Caela,

Very compelling, your writings are.
I will keep reading and thank you for sharing out.
Lovely avatar.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #28 on: September 12, 2020, 01:33:01 am »
@SarahEL

Sarah-

Thanks again for your kind words!  That's so sweet with your daughter.  She really is an incredible person, and you are really lucky to have someone like that in your life!  I've told my kids that I am never to be "mom", that their mother will always be "mom"- I'm still Dad, and since that can be rather awkward they generally call me Caela.

I've been smiling and cringing as I've written the story posts, as I've come a long way in a short time since these events happened.  The girl that I'm writing about is charmingly naive.  She didn't have anyone to teach her the ropes, so if it seems like she muddled through and made it up as she went along, you'd be correct.  Since then I've grown more confident, more consistent in my look, more comfortable in my voice, able to converse and navigate publicly- and I'm still pretty naive!

(and don't worry- I've got more  to write ;))

Hugs!

Caela

My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #29 on: September 12, 2020, 01:40:17 am »
Caela,

Very compelling, your writings are.
I will keep reading and thank you for sharing out.
Lovely avatar.

Chrissy

@ChrissyRyan

Thanks Chrissy!  I really appreciate that!  I noticed you changed your avatar, and I like all the colors in your hair!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2020, 07:18:13 am »
@ChrissyRyan

Thanks Chrissy!  I really appreciate that!  I noticed you changed your avatar, and I like all the colors in your hair!

Hugs!

Caela

You put your thoughts and words together very well.  I know you have went through a lot and I certainly reach out to you in sympathy. 

You are also finding your real self and developing the courage to go out and obtain more of a wardrobe.  Congratulations.   

I do wish that you have a growing happiness, and that applies to all aspects of life.   :)

You go, girl!   :)

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #31 on: September 12, 2020, 11:06:08 am »
Woke up this morning needing a little boost.  One of the great things of being the parent of an AFAB child in the 2000's is being introduced to the mind-altering effects of Disney Channel bubblegum popstars.  If I'm feeling down, putting "Hannah Montana 2: Meet Miley Cyrus" on the music player usually turns me right around with high-energy girl-positive songs!

Diabetic Warning- This song is sugar coated Disney bubblegum pop!  But I love the message!
   You can find it on YouTube        Hannah Montana- Nobody's Perfect

Caela

               Hannah Montana- Nobody's Perfect
     



« Last Edit: September 12, 2020, 03:41:00 pm by Northern Star Girl »
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #32 on: September 13, 2020, 05:44:44 pm »
Part Five- Family Matters

Followers of my blog have already probably picked up that I'm not the only one in my family to have questioned their gender identity.  I'm not even the only one to actively step towards transition in any form- I'm actually the third on that account. And to tell my story I have to share a little bit about them.

The first person was the person I identify as my father-in-law, who came out to my wife as H___ over ten years ago.  My wife was close to her, and she had reached a point that she wanted to share her discovery- and told my wife not to tell me, that I wouldn't understand and didn't want me blabbing it out to my mother-in-law.  My wife told her that we had already inadvertently found out a few weeks prior and were already keeping her privacy- and though we both admitted that we didn't understand fully , we both were willing to accept and support her as H___.

She soon gave us a written copy of her journey, outlining her challenges, her interactions with parents and siblings, and her concerns over her partner.  We talked it over as we went through the story- and we came to understand what she was going through. (Although, after I began my journey and read those stories again from my new perspective, I realized how surface that understanding really was.)

The second person, and harder to swallow was five years later when our oldest child came to us with their gender identity and wanted us to call them by a different name. I think what made that hard is that their birth name was the childhood name of my girl self, and it was like a piece of that girl self was fading away.  But in the end there was no question to be anything other than accepting. 

So I found myself the third person, locking myself in my room, hiding the person that I was becoming- slowly losing the positive energy from my discovery in the negatives of shame and fear and secrecy.  And I just couldn't go on that way, it was tearing my girl-mode self apart as much as grief was tearing my male-mode self. I realized I would have to share my secret- I would have to have someone to talk to.  But to who?  I first thought of the others that have come out- they would likely be more understanding about what I was going through.

H___ was no longer really with us.  Alzheimer's had taken both sides of that individual that I knew away.  The sad part of that disease is how much you lose yourself-  this became effectively a forced detransition and they probably don't remember or realize that anything was ever different!  My heart is torn just thinking about it.

So I came out to my oldest child first.  Their generation is our future, and they are politically aware, reject the depersonalization of issues, and stand up for their feelings.  I needed someone who would at least listen.  It was hard to open my mouth, but very easy once the words started coming out.  And I worried a lot about nothing- with their own transition they found it very affirming that their father- who they already felt was giving off female vibes- had discovered themselves.

But I made in restrospect a very bad decision, and made the same call that H___ had made towards me ten years priror- I asked my oldest not to share with my son- they just wouldn't understand, and would probably blab it to my mother-in-law. 

My oldest was opening up to me and wanting to talk more and more about our situations- but they were also abruptly stopping whenever my son would come near.  It became very obvious and uncomfortable and really weighed on my mind.  By the next morning I realized how wrong that was and that I would have to come clean with him as well.

I didn't think it went well.  I told him how I was feeling, that I was questioning just like the others, and that in exploring myself he would see me dressed and presenting as a woman.  He just said "OK", and walked off.  He didn't talk much, and wouldn't look at me when I was presenting as a woman.  It was obvious that he said he accepted but really didn't.  I shared that concern with my oldest, and they said that I was mistaken- he was supportive, but that he was taking the losses (his grandfather, his mom, and now his dad) hard.  He came up to me the next day to ask about my pronouns, and also if I wanted to be called Mom.  I told him, no I don't want to be called Mom, that his mom will always be the one he should call Mom.  I realized that he was just dealing with my transition in his own way- and that I'd have a lot of work to fill the void in his life.

And after that bit of drama I was able to walk out of my bedroom.  I was able to be myself throughout my own house, and that led to more time as Caela.  My kids have noticed that I'm happier as Caela- I'm in better moods and that extends to my interactions with them.   Instead of losing my kids I may be closer to them than ever!

It filled a great deal of the need for company, but there are some things that you can't talk with your kids about. I needed adult conversations. I knew I'd have to step miles outside of my comfort zone.

Next Part- Unmasked

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #33 on: September 13, 2020, 05:54:40 pm »
Part Five- Family Matters
    [snipped]

It filled a great deal of the need for company, but there are some things that you can't talk with your kids about. I needed adult conversations. I knew I'd have to step miles outside of my comfort zone.

Next Part- Unmasked

Caela
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
I am riveted to your postings and how you are so openly sharing your life, your transition, your story.
Your last sentence sums up what I think is very important.   While we should open up to our own children, we do need to have conversations and discussions about out transition with adults... cis-men, cis-females and certainly other like-minded transgender individuals.

Thank you for sharing... and as you post more on this, your own Personal Journal Blog thread... I will certainly be eagerly reading and following.


HUGS and wishing success and happiness for you.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #34 on: September 13, 2020, 06:03:11 pm »
having a child that can love you unconditionally is the greatest gift any parent can wish for....

Without my daughter and her love, I would not exist today. (or have a liking for teeny-pop?? how DOES that happen?)..

Lovely updates Cae.. I am so enjoying your story and learning about who you are. It is inspiring me to write mine, but I do not know where to start??

Sending you big hugs XX
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #35 on: September 13, 2020, 07:23:58 pm »
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
I am riveted to your postings and how you are so openly sharing your life, your transition, your story.
Your last sentence sums up what I think is very important.   While we should open up to our own children, we do need to have conversations and discussions about out transition with adults... cis-men, cis-females and certainly other like-minded transgender individuals.

Thank you for sharing... and as you post more on this, your own Personal Journal Blog thread... I will certainly be eagerly reading and following.


HUGS and wishing success and happiness for you.
Danielle

@Northern Star Girl

Danielle-

Thank you! This one was hard to write as I was trying to find the balance between telling a story and maintaining security.  It feels good for my soul to be open as I can- but still so much is left on the cutting room floor :)

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Online ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #36 on: September 13, 2020, 07:44:46 pm »
Caela,

Thank you for continuing to share out your experiences that make up your personal story.

We are here to support you as you move along in your journey.   :)

Hugs,

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #37 on: September 13, 2020, 08:16:16 pm »
having a child that can love you unconditionally is the greatest gift any parent can wish for....

Without my daughter and her love, I would not exist today. (or have a liking for teeny-pop?? how DOES that happen?)..

Lovely updates Cae.. I am so enjoying your story and learning about who you are. It is inspiring me to write mine, but I do not know where to start??

Sending you big hugs XX
@SarahEL

Thanks, Sarah!

It's great to have someone you can share your journey with and be there to support you (and be a shopping buddy :) )  I know I'd be in a much darker state of mind without my kids!

Teeny-pop! -It happens when you have the television tuned to the Disney Channel for your kids with for two hours of "Hannah Montana" every day, and if your kids want you to sing along- you have fun with them!  I still know most of the songs from those sing-alongs ten years ago, and they take me back to a happy time!

I'd love to hear your stories!  I've been writing a lot this year, mostly stream-of-consciousness entries in my journal.   As I started posting here I realized there was more about myself that I wanted to share- and I didn't want to derail someone else's thread by doing so.  Baring your soul and writing the first part is the hardest- much like putting on makeup and going outside, you hope you got it right (and don't end up sparkling in bright sunlight! :)

And like any good story- it's better if you don't know the ending! and I'm still finding that out myself!

Hugs!

Caela


My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #38 on: September 13, 2020, 08:19:19 pm »
Caela,

Thank you for continuing to share out your experiences that make up your personal story.

We are here to support you as you move along in your journey.   :)

Hugs,

Chrissy

Thanks, Chrissy!

I really appreciate all the support and care that I've received from everyone since I decided to contribute!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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  • Everyone needs a little glam sometime!
Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #39 on: September 14, 2020, 11:55:22 am »
Good morning everyone!

I thought I would share a gift that I received today that was very special to me.  I woke up this morning and started getting ready for my morning video calls.  After showering and drying off I looked in the mirror and noticed that my belly seemed flatter and my "moobs" seemed more defined- more like real breasts- because of it.  I don't think anything had truly physically changed- but most definitely my perception of it had.   

Self-acceptance is powerful stuff!  Today is a good day, and I hope you all have a wonderful day today!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

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