Part Nineteen- Deeper Magic from Before the Dawn of Time
Grief is a road that everyone follows in their own ways. I was lovingly devoted to my wife for almost 21 years until cancer took my Deep Magic from the Dawn of Time away from me. But this post is only tangentially about Grief…. This post is about the road back.
And it starts with a kiss!
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Too often we get so focused on ourselves- in our issues, our challenges, our foibles- that we miss the signposts along the way. Grief reshuffles that completely- and will lead you deeper into that focus in some places, and leave you completely open in others. The focus part led to my own discovery... and with that discovery was the thought that I probably was going to be alone the rest of my life.
I think it showed…. my friends were becoming increasingly worried about me. Locked in from COVID, alone with no interaction, spending most of my days feet from where my wife passed- as well as the little things, the slight differences that were becoming more and more noticeable.
Friends that I hadn’t talked to in years started coming out of shadows to offer sympathy, support and concern. One invited me for a movie night- and we caught up on the years over drinks and dinner. We both were more open than we would have been at other times. Words of sympathy became hugs. Hugs became kisses, and the kisses awoke me out of my early grief funk. I realized that I was still young. I realized that my life hadn’t ended- it just opened a new chapter. I might technically be a widow on a pension- but I didn’t need to start looking for cats to adopt!
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Seasons change, along with my ever growing sense of self and confidence in the newness. Summer ends, Autumn leaves fall, and first snows of Winter fall on the ground. The holiday season was a time when I anticipated that I would feel my missing wife most dearly. I wasn’t about to let her memory down…. So I planned out the meals, bought the presents and tried to make the holidays as festive as she had while making our own traditions. But I knew one tradition would not be in the cards- I would not get my midnight kiss on New Year’s Eve, and that sad thought hurt a lot.
Out of the blue I hear from a person who I hadn’t talked to in years. Someone who was special to me long before I had ever met my wife. We got to talking and made plans to get together and catch up after the holiday craziness.
Like a lot of the best laid plans, it soon started falling apart…. as we kept texting and after the holidays became that Friday. And the Friday and Saturday after. Somehow calendars aligned and we were suddenly both free on New Year’s Eve…. and I got my midnight kiss!
Total unexpected out of left field swoon!! I’d stumbled upon some form of Deeper Magic from Before the Dawn of Time! One of the first girls I ever remember kissing…. has become the last girl that I’ve kissed.
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After my summer’s kiss, I had put up a dating profile… but I didn’t do much with it- I wasn’t truly ready to contemplate dating. After my winter’s kiss, I’ve realized that I am ready- spending time with another will not take any of my feelings or memories of my wife away, and having a connection with someone is truly magical. I don’t know what I will find out there for me… but I’m now at a point where I want to find out.
As the New Year begins, keep your eyes and mind open for the opportunities that life sends your way. It will surprise you in completely unexpected ways! Don’t miss out on the chances that life will put before you!
"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." - Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Hugs!!
Caela
