Author Topic: The Chronicles of Caela  (Read 1140 times)

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Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #40 on: September 14, 2020, 12:08:53 pm »
Good morning everyone!

I thought I would share a gift that I received today that was very special to me.  I woke up this morning and started getting ready for my morning video calls.  After showering and drying off I looked in the mirror and noticed that my belly seemed flatter and my "moobs" seemed more defined- more like real breasts- because of it.  I don't think anything had truly physically changed- but most definitely my perception of it had.   

Self-acceptance is powerful stuff!  Today is a good day, and I hope you all have a wonderful day today!

Hugs!

Caela


@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
The effects of HRT can be disappointingly slow for many, but changes will happen as you stay the course.

What you described is exactly what I had experienced earlier in my transition and I am just about certain that most transitioners, when they do see and feel some of the body and mind changes, are very exited and motivated to continue on.   

Enjoy these self-confidence, self-assurance, and self-acceptance moments.... hang on tight, there are many more of these experiences coming your way.

Please continue keeping me and the rest of your followers updated, but only as you feel comfortable doing.

HUGS and lots more HUGS,
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #41 on: September 14, 2020, 03:36:40 pm »
Part Six- Unmasked

Going on shopping trips was always painful for my male-mode self.  I'd begrudgingly go, and I'd hold bags- but I always felt so self-conscious looking for clothes.  I'd always want it to be like a commando raid- get in, get the task done, and get out before the enemy spotted you!

As Caela I love to go shopping!  I can spend hours walking around the mall, looking in all the stores, searching like an archaeologist for the fabled lost treasure.  Maybe you come home with a new outfit, maybe you just come home with a single new color of eyeliner, maybe you didn't find anything at all that said "buy me"- but it's fun and affirmingly normal just to be out and interact with the shopkeepers.

Over the next few days after coming out to my kids I went shopping nearly every day.  Each day was a win, each day added to my confidence.  The first day was the first time I was called "ma'am"; The second day I found shoes in my size, and actually had conversations with other shoppers about their finds;  The third day I found a nice purple summer dress that I adore;  The fourth day I went to the optometrist and ordered new glasses so that I could have my female look and see too!

I soon had built enough confidence along with my new wardrobe that I started thinking about perhaps coming out to another person- this time one of my friends, an adult that I could share my trials and tribulations with.

I have many friends that I would consider more open to understanding, and could probably handle the shock- but there really was only one person that I felt comfortable having the first conversation with.  This friend had been there for me when I was coming to understand my oldest child's desire to transition.  My friend shared that they themselves considered themselves somewhere in the middle, with  tendencies towards being the opposite gender. I figured if anyone was going to understand it would be this person.  I didn't want to just talk to this person though.  I needed the social aspect too- and since restaurants had reopened for in-person dining, I made arrangements to meet up for happy hour.

I had been spending most of my time since coming out to the kids in girl-mode, and that day was no exception.  As the day progressed, I knew I would soon have to choose what I was going to wear- and I didn't really want to change back into male clothing.  And I also didn't have a consistenly flattering makeup regimen.  Previous attempts had run the gamut from barely there to goth kabuki- none of them were very flattering.  But that day things came together for me.  My skin tone was even, the mascara wasn't running, the eyeshadow looked good- and I didn't want to remove that either.  So on an impulse I decided to stay in girl-mode, and deal with the consequences.

And if I was going out as Caela- I was going to do it right!  I put on pantyhose and my purple dress, a cardigan that coordinated well, some of my nicer jewelry (The one grouping of things that I inherited from my wife that I didn't have style issues with was jewelry- I had picked most of it out after all  :)), my tan purse and comfortable flats.  I matched the clothing choices with my new prosthetics that balanced my body shape, my wife's glasses that framed my face in a female fashion and my favorite wig (which I'd just started trying to style). And lastly I stuck on a set of false nails that I had painted the day before. It was my best attempt yet to pass, and I hoped it would be enough.

After all that work (it takes time to look good!), I got to the restaurant fashionably late- and figured my friend would be sitting in there already.  But they were running even later, so I went in and found a table and ordered a glass of Rose.  I had to take off the mask to enjoy my glass of wine.  I learned pretty quick that I would have to relearn how to untie knots, hold glasses of wine, and how to do just about everything else with long nails.   

It had been just over a month since my admission to myself, exactly a month since my first furtive steps outside the house- and there I was sitting in public, unmasked, with only my tenuous makeup job providing cover.

When my friend arrived, i didn't see them come in- and they didn't see me.  I finally got a text asking if I was here, to which I replied, "I'm the girl in the purple dress." To say that was a shock to them was an understatement!  They had apparently walked past me several times and didn't recognize me- so I counted that as huge win!  We hugged, talked about my transition and my state of mind- and then we chatted like we always had.  Discussion of our regular mundane topics only intermittenly broken as I'd do something to cause one of the false nails to fall off!

But we could kvetch only so long- and soon it was time to head back home. It was a wonderful evening- and wouldn't be the last, but the firsts are always more memorable.

I was happy as I drove home that day.  The next day would bring bad wardrobe choices and another failed makeup job- but for that one day I nailed it!

Next Part- The List

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #42 on: September 14, 2020, 04:26:03 pm »
Oh Cae, you made me smile reading your latest part... So much rings true with me too...
Oh, and shopping, I LOVE shopping..(and today, out and about a canvasser tried to stop me in the street with 'excuse me madam...' -  I dodged, but the smile on my face (under my mask) lasted ages!)...

Roll on Part 7!...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #43 on: September 14, 2020, 05:17:26 pm »
Oh Cae, you made me smile reading your latest part... So much rings true with me too...
Oh, and shopping, I LOVE shopping..(and today, out and about a canvasser tried to stop me in the street with 'excuse me madam...' -  I dodged, but the smile on my face (under my mask) lasted ages!)...

Roll on Part 7!...
@SarahEL

Sarah-

Right!   I LOVE shopping, and not because of the items I'm ostensibly out looking for- it's the interactions!  I love being accepted, and being called "ma'am", and making small talk while shopping.  I always leave the mall with a big smile on my face after these wins!   And if you find something it's like a bonus!- I was out with my oldest this weekend and I got a little handbag that has a saying on the back that is so true for me-  "I know I should stop shopping! But I am not a quitter!"

It's my new wallet now! :)



And I have to say you are looking GREAT in your new avatar photo! You look happy and content!  I hope there will be a story leading up to that smile!

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #44 on: September 14, 2020, 05:33:16 pm »
 ;D ;D  Yes, When the going get's tough, the tough go shopping!  >:-) >:-)

I love the bag! and the sentiment.  It is so nice to have little things like that with you all the time. Shopping is a very real form of therapy for me, especially with my daughter in tow.. We have such fun together.
Last week we were out together, and just window shopping really, but we walked past this very, very expensive bag shop.. I wanted to look but my daughter was saying 'oh, you know it's all over-priced tat'.. we walk upto the window with the purses in and simultaneously we both say 'OH, I LOVE THAT ONE' and point to the same black purse, we then fall about laughing (it really was both at the same time... I always say she was a clone, not an offspring!)...

(Thanks for the kind words about my avatar - I am not quite at the 'happy ending' yet - but working hard on getting there)...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #45 on: September 14, 2020, 05:56:07 pm »
Good morning everyone!

I thought I would share a gift that I received today that was very special to me.  I woke up this morning and started getting ready for my morning video calls.  After showering and drying off I looked in the mirror and noticed that my belly seemed flatter and my "moobs" seemed more defined- more like real breasts- because of it.  I don't think anything had truly physically changed- but most definitely my perception of it had.   

Self-acceptance is powerful stuff!  Today is a good day, and I hope you all have a wonderful day today!

Hugs!

Caela


Yay!   :)


Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #46 on: September 14, 2020, 05:57:17 pm »
@SarahEL

Sarah-

Right!   I LOVE shopping, and not because of the items I'm ostensibly out looking for- it's the interactions!  I love being accepted, and being called "ma'am", and making small talk while shopping.  I always leave the mall with a big smile on my face after these wins!   And if you find something it's like a bonus!- I was out with my oldest this weekend and I got a little handbag that has a saying on the back that is so true for me-  "I know I should stop shopping! But I am not a quitter!"

It's my new wallet now! :)



And I have to say you are looking GREAT in your new avatar photo! You look happy and content!  I hope there will be a story leading up to that smile!

Hugs!

Caela

Cute!


Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #47 on: September 15, 2020, 09:39:21 am »
Part Seven- The List

In the early days of my journey, I had written myself a list.  It listed several things that my new girl-mode self wanted, and I had been slowly fulfilling all of them. 

Quote from: Caela's List
Micaela wants
a pair of flats
capris
more tops
pierced ears
freedom!
better glasses
a diary
longer gold and silver chains
learn how to do makeup!
friends- but not being needy
more writing practice

Love
   Cae!
   
 Be You!! You are wonderful

By this time in my journey- I had already checked several of these off the list. The day after I made this list I picked up a journal (Pink with the words "happy thoughts" on the cover), and had already filled about a quarter of the pages.  I was writing in cursive for the first time in probably thirty-five years, and the writing I had been doing in my journal gave me plenty "more writing practice." My excursions to the mall had already brought me plenty of shoes, bottoms and tops.  In fact my wardrobe had filled up all the space in the closet that I had just recently cleared out!

I had also already put in motion getting better glasses.  My plan was to get two pairs of glasses- one male-mode and one girl-mode.  I had gone through the box of old eyeglasses trying on different styles, this time fully en femme, before I went to the optometrist.  I wouldn't be in girl-mode during the visit, so I wanted to already have set in my mind what styles would be flattering.  After trying them all on, the one that was the most flattering were the ones I had already been wearing- my wife's.

After being seen by the doctor, I quickly found my new male-mode glasses, and a near match for my wife's glasses to order in my new prescription.  With all the COVID restrictions they were pretty backed up at the optometrist, and we had to wait in queue for the optician.  Since we were waiting, I took a close look at all the other frames- and found a pair that I liked the look of - but I had no idea how it would really look once I was fully en femme!  I ended up deciding to roll the dice and buy the third pair myself since insurance was covering the other two.  Now I had to wait two weeks while the lab made them.

For "learning how to do makeup" I put on my technical hat and tried to reverse engineer what worked when I was satisfied with my look. I had a drawer full of product from my wife, and methodically tried each one- and started making another list of the products I would actually like to use.  Her skin was shaded cooler than mine- and I soon learned that different makeup products would be required for my tone.  So i focused on the overall basic look rather than tone.  I found eyeliners that I could get in a straight line without creating a mess.  I found out about concealer that would cover my blemishes.  I backed off the eyeshadow.  I discovered I have naturally long lashes, so I stopped using the lengthening mascara.  Once I had an overall look that I liked, I went shopping for the appropriate tones.  And finally I had a nice glowing look that was flattering to my eyes- and even better, I could repeat it!

I next tackled the jewelry aspect.  I had entire cabinet of jewelry that I had inherited from my wife that was pretty much to my sense of style- I had bought most of it as presents for her over the past 28 years we had been together.  The only issues were physical- I'm in every dimension a bigger person that my wife was- and there were very few items that I could wear right off the shelf. Her larger rings would become tight pinky rings for me. Her pendants would hang mid-chest, but would be chokers (or smaller!!!!) to me.  And all of her earrings assumed that you had pierced ears. 

So firstly I made an appointment to get my ears pierced at a nearby body art studio.  I had heard too many stories about gun piercings done at the mall- I wanted needle piercings.  I looked very androgynous as I went in, even with my bald head- and after I picked out a pair of Amethyst studs for my first earrings the girls there treated me very respectfully as one the girls.   After a short wait I was ushered in the the back room, which was sparkling clean, and within about ten minutes (and two short pinpricks) I walked out with my new stud earrings!

Afterwards I went over to a local jeweler to look at chains.  After a short wait due to COVID-19 limits, I was allowed in and shown the nice thick male chains.  I explained again that I had several pendants from my wife, and I'd like to wear them in her memory- and they brought out the thinner chains. They really had to dig in the back of their safe- I think I cleared them out of of longer women's style chains.  I left with two 24" and two 22" chains that met my style and would accent the pendants.

A few days later- I got the call that my new glasses were ready.  The pair that I added at the last second wer beyond perfect!  It was the final piece to complete my look.  They're curved with larger lenses- and look nothing like the style my male self has worn for years.  They're comfortable and I like them so much that I've inadvertently wore them several times male-mode on conference calls!

I had slowly been building my confidence, and my openness with others- and had gone from sneaking out of the house in male-mode to walking confidently out of my garage door en femme.  I had gone from thinking I would be out of place in a store to confidently walking in as if I fully belonged there (because I did).  I went from being afraid to use my girl voice to accepting that it may not be perfect, but if I'm confident in how I use it I can converse with anyone. I realized that I already had the "freedom" that I yearned for at my start.

Which left "Friends- but not being needy".  I had already come out to my kids and my close friend, and I was still on really good terms with all of them. (And I hope that I'm not being too forward in counting you, my readers, as friends as well.) I wanted to bring more people into my circle of trust- to whom and where do I come out next?

Maybe my mom?!?!?  Nah, that's just crazy....

Next Part- Mother's Daughter

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #48 on: September 15, 2020, 04:23:41 pm »
Part Seven- The List

In the early days of my journey, I had written myself a list.  It listed several things that my new girl-mode self wanted, and I had been slowly fulfilling all of them. 

By this time in my journey- I had already checked several of these off the list. The day after I made this list I picked up a journal (Pink with the words "happy thoughts" on the cover), and had already filled about a quarter of the pages.  I was writing in cursive for the first time in probably thirty-five years, and the writing I had been doing in my journal gave me plenty "more writing practice." My excursions to the mall had already brought me plenty of shoes, bottoms and tops.  In fact my wardrobe had filled up all the space in the closet that I had just recently cleared out!

I had also already put in motion getting better glasses.  My plan was to get two pairs of glasses- one male-mode and one girl-mode.  I had gone through the box of old eyeglasses trying on different styles, this time fully en femme, before I went to the optometrist.  I wouldn't be in girl-mode during the visit, so I wanted to already have set in my mind what styles would be flattering.  After trying them all on, the one that was the most flattering were the ones I had already been wearing- my wife's.

After being seen by the doctor, I quickly found my new male-mode glasses, and a near match for my wife's glasses to order in my new prescription.  With all the COVID restrictions they were pretty backed up at the optometrist, and we had to wait in queue for the optician.  Since we were waiting, I took a close look at all the other frames- and found a pair that I liked the look of - but I had no idea how it would really look once I was fully en femme!  I ended up deciding to roll the dice and buy the third pair myself since insurance was covering the other two.  Now I had to wait two weeks while the lab made them.

For "learning how to do makeup" I put on my technical hat and tried to reverse engineer what worked when I was satisfied with my look. I had a drawer full of product from my wife, and methodically tried each one- and started making another list of the products I would actually like to use.  Her skin was shaded cooler than mine- and I soon learned that different makeup products would be required for my tone.  So i focused on the overall basic look rather than tone.  I found eyeliners that I could get in a straight line without creating a mess.  I found out about concealer that would cover my blemishes.  I backed off the eyeshadow.  I discovered I have naturally long lashes, so I stopped using the lengthening mascara.  Once I had an overall look that I liked, I went shopping for the appropriate tones.  And finally I had a nice glowing look that was flattering to my eyes- and even better, I could repeat it!

I next tackled the jewelry aspect.  I had entire cabinet of jewelry that I had inherited from my wife that was pretty much to my sense of style- I had bought most of it as presents for her over the past 28 years we had been together.  The only issues were physical- I'm in every dimension a bigger person that my wife was- and there were very few items that I could wear right off the shelf. Her larger rings would become tight pinky rings for me. Her pendants would hang mid-chest, but would be chokers (or smaller!!!!) to me.  And all of her earrings assumed that you had pierced ears. 

So firstly I made an appointment to get my ears pierced at a nearby body art studio.  I had heard too many stories about gun piercings done at the mall- I wanted needle piercings.  I looked very androgynous as I went in, even with my bald head- and after I picked out a pair of Amethyst studs for my first earrings the girls there treated me very respectfully as one the girls.   After a short wait I was ushered in the the back room, which was sparkling clean, and within about ten minutes (and two short pinpricks) I walked out with my new stud earrings!

Afterwards I went over to a local jeweler to look at chains.  After a short wait due to COVID-19 limits, I was allowed in and shown the nice thick male chains.  I explained again that I had several pendants from my wife, and I'd like to wear them in her memory- and they brought out the thinner chains. They really had to dig in the back of their safe- I think I cleared them out of of longer women's style chains.  I left with two 24" and two 22" chains that met my style and would accent the pendants.

A few days later- I got the call that my new glasses were ready.  The pair that I added at the last second wer beyond perfect!  It was the final piece to complete my look.  They're curved with larger lenses- and look nothing like the style my male self has worn for years.  They're comfortable and I like them so much that I've inadvertently wore them several times male-mode on conference calls!

I had slowly been building my confidence, and my openness with others- and had gone from sneaking out of the house in male-mode to walking confidently out of my garage door en femme.  I had gone from thinking I would be out of place in a store to confidently walking in as if I fully belonged there (because I did).  I went from being afraid to use my girl voice to accepting that it may not be perfect, but if I'm confident in how I use it I can converse with anyone. I realized that I already had the "freedom" that I yearned for at my start.

Which left "Friends- but not being needy".  I had already come out to my kids and my close friend, and I was still on really good terms with all of them. (And I hope that I'm not being too forward in counting you, my readers, as friends as well.) I wanted to bring more people into my circle of trust- to whom and where do I come out next?

Maybe my mom?!?!?  Nah, that's just crazy....

Next Part- Mother's Daughter

Caela


It sounds as if everything is falling into place for you quite nicely.  :)

That is wonderful. 

Hugs,

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #49 on: September 15, 2020, 04:36:01 pm »
Cae..

What a lovely addition to your blog. It really does sound as if things are coming together.. a little bit of planning and logic never go amiss in getting us to where we need to be...Your confidence sound like it is building nicely.. It is a really happy thing to read. thank you (again) for sharing with us all...

I can check most things off from your list too - just need pierced ears (will be done in a few weeks, my daughter wants hers done too, so we are going to do a mum/daughter thing together.. really looking forward to that),  better glasses (mine are old and need replacing) and freedom (and got a whole lot more of that, but want total freedom now!)..

AND... You are definitely not being forward in counting me as one of your friends.....
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #50 on: September 15, 2020, 06:53:09 pm »
Thanks Sarah and Chrissy-

I've tried to build myself up on the easy things and get confidence before I start trying to knock out the hard ones.  The second third of a book is usually where the challenges start piling up. 

Work for example- I had my one-on-one with my boss today, and he asked me to please keep him in the loop as to what is going on with my situation- for them, "my situation" is being a grieving widow(er).

My situation to me is just a mite different ;)

I almost want to walk into the office tomorrow en femme in a tasteful skirt and business top, not say anything and see what happens.  As much as that appeals to my "drama queen" side,  I realize how truly non-productive that would be and how much it would set me back personally and professionally. Even though I have an "oh poor guy he went crazy with grief" get-out-of-jail-free card to play if things went sideways- I don't want to have to play it.

As fast as other things have happened for me, it's not about speed- it's about being right with myself.  Therapy for me has been unpacking my grief as well as my identity, and everything will happen in it's own time. So it's not time for Cae to make her entrance tomorrow- but maybe it is time to be a little bit more androgynous than the last time I was in the office.  >:-)

Cae..

What a lovely addition to your blog. It really does sound as if things are coming together.. a little bit of planning and logic never go amiss in getting us to where we need to be...Your confidence sound like it is building nicely.. It is a really happy thing to read. thank you (again) for sharing with us all...

I can check most things off from your list too - just need pierced ears (will be done in a few weeks, my daughter wants hers done too, so we are going to do a mum/daughter thing together.. really looking forward to that),  better glasses (mine are old and need replacing) and freedom (and got a whole lot more of that, but want total freedom now!)..

AND... You are definitely not being forward in counting me as one of your friends.....
I'm so excited! I get to switch out my training studs in about a week!   My oldest wants another set of ear piercings, and the place that did mine did such a great job I'm going to take them there, and we'll make a grand day of it!  (I have to show the girls there how things turned out anyways!)

 
Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #51 on: September 16, 2020, 12:14:10 pm »
Part Eight- Mother's Daughter

My parents were married in the salad days of their life.  Young, and with their whole life ahead of them, they looked forward to starting a family of their own.  Like most people, they always envisioned having two kids, a boy and a girl.  But life never goes the way that you plan, no matter how hard they wished or tried.  All of their brothers and sisters had children (and some grandchildren) but for my parents it never seemed to happen for them.  They grew into their middle ages, and turned to loving their dogs and enjoyed time with their friends, looked after nieces and nephews that were sent to live with them- and soon gave up on the dream of having children of their own.

So it was a shock when my mother found out she had finally become pregnant, and they started their family at an age where others were seeing their kids move onto their own lives.

I remember having a generally happy childhood- interleaved with flashes of anger and disappointment from my father.  He never laid a hand on me- but words are sharper to a fragile psyche.  I know that he was very proud of me to other people- but rarely did he share those sentiments to me.  So like most boys, I became closer with my mother- and she shared with me that had I been born a girl, my name would have been "Andrea".

I remember motherly activities like laundry (oh to roll around in clean clothes fresh from the dryer!) and cooking (I loved my Tupperware kid's baking set).  My parents were active in the Masonic orders, and while the men were upstairs in their lodge meetings- I would get to chat and play bingo with their wives.

It always seemed as if I was the only boy in the neighborhood.  The two girls in the house next door became close playmates, and I would spend my days running back and forth between our houses.  Playtime was full of dressing up Barbies and making cookies in Easy-Bake Ovens.  I remember the cute dresses the girls would wear in the summer, and I would sneak into my parents room and look at my mom's dresses.

I was about 4 when I got to wear one.  I looked so cute in my mom's shortest red dress, and one of her wigs.  The preschool halloween party was coming up, and mom let me dress up for that too.  The same red dress, The wig now with a cute red bow in it, a black cardigan sweater and jewelry.  She later said that people had told her it was wrong to have let me go- but she did anyway, and I had a lot fun.  Or should I say "Andrea" had a lot of fun.


"Andrea", age 4.

---

And as far as my mother had known, that was the last time "Andrea" had been around.  But "Andrea" never really went away.  She would sneak up and feel the fabrics of mom's dresses.  She would dig through mom's jewelry and put bracelets on. She would happily play dress up with the other girls at their houses.  And even as an adult- she was hiding around in the corners of my mind.

---

My mom had recently had hip surgery, and over the past few weeks we had traded off my male-self, the kids, and the folks from her church in making sure that she had someone to help her while she healed.  After she was cleared by the doctor- she was under orders to continue to excercise her leg, and was allowed to go back to taking care of herself, and I went back to my normal activities.

My plan had been to stay in girl-mode all weekend.  Saturday was a whirlwind day of shopping (At least for me and my oldest- my son would probably say it went on for far too long!), and when we got home- I got a call from my mom while making dinner.  The feet on the bottom of her walker had been wore off as she rolled it on the concrete- and she wanted me to put some tennis balls on the walker in their place.  I told her we'd come by in the morning and take care of her.  This was my mom and I put my girl-mode plan on the shelf.

I woke up in the morning and started getting ready.  I was a bit ahead of schedule, so I decided to go ahead and do my usual makeup practice. I was getting pretty consistent in my regimen, practice always makes perfect, and I wanted to keep it that way- I could wipe it all off when I was done.

I was about half way done when I thought for a second- What if I stopped right here?  I had foundation and powder on already-What if I didn't put my lipstick, eyeshadow, and mascara on? I realized I looked like my natural self with a clearer complexion.  I just needed a little cover where I'd gotten foundation on my lips.  My wife had a shade of lipstick that I hadn't thought much of because it didn't do anything for me- it was the same shade and tone as my natural lips! I remembered it and bingo, I had my long sought natural "no-makeup" makeup look!

I had another makeup win- and I didn't want to wipe it off this time either. I had also had this vague thought of how I would eventually come out to my mom.  I knew she would go ballistic, I would be chided for my childishness- or wore for setting a bad example for my kids.  I agonized over it for a while- and decided it wasn't going to be better later- This would be an awkward conversation for me no matter what, so the plan was back on.  I put my wig and glasses on and girded myself to reintroduce my mom to someone she hadn't seen in 42 years.


Caela, The morning I came out to mom.

---

The kids went in first when we got to my mom's house and I followed after.  I said "Hello" to my mom and sat down in the floor of her living room to look at the walker.  She looked around, looked back down the hallway, and asked the kids where their dad was....

My mom didn't recognize me!

I looked at her for a moment, and said "Mom, I'll answer any questions you have after I fix your walker." 

She looked at me, looked at the kids, looked back at me- and slowly the realization of who she was looking at came to her. Here it comes! I thought to myself....

And there was no upset- only surprise.  She truly didn't recognize me, and was surprised that I didn't look like male-mode me.  I fixed her walker and we talked about makeup (that she might borrow sometime), my falsies (that she wanted a pair for herself), and if my wife had known.  We talked about how the little girl was now a woman named Micaela. She shared that my father had always wanted a boy and a girl and "he didn't live to see the girl."

Somehow I don't think that I'm quite what my father had in mind!

We talked for a while longer before we longer- again normal conversations.  It wasn't the response I had expected, but it was surely the response I needed.

I was on cloud nine- I passed by my Mom!

Next Part- Echoes

Caela


My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline davina61

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #52 on: September 16, 2020, 01:24:47 pm »
My mum almost shows me off !! Mums are great .
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #53 on: September 16, 2020, 05:36:25 pm »
Part Eight- Mother's Daughter

My parents were married in the salad days of their life.  Young, and with their whole life ahead of them, they looked forward to starting a family of their own.  Like most people, they always envisioned having two kids, a boy and a girl.  But life never goes the way that you plan, no matter how hard they wished or tried.  All of their brothers and sisters had children (and some grandchildren) but for my parents it never seemed to happen for them.  They grew into their middle ages, and turned to loving their dogs and enjoyed time with their friends, looked after nieces and nephews that were sent to live with them- and soon gave up on the dream of having children of their own.

So it was a shock when my mother found out she had finally become pregnant, and they started their family at an age where others were seeing their kids move onto their own lives.

I remember having a generally happy childhood- interleaved with flashes of anger and disappointment from my father.  He never laid a hand on me- but words are sharper to a fragile psyche.  I know that he was very proud of me to other people- but rarely did he share those sentiments to me.  So like most boys, I became closer with my mother- and she shared with me that had I been born a girl, my name would have been "Andrea".

I remember motherly activities like laundry (oh to roll around in clean clothes fresh from the dryer!) and cooking (I loved my Tupperware kid's baking set).  My parents were active in the Masonic orders, and while the men were upstairs in their lodge meetings- I would get to chat and play bingo with their wives.

It always seemed as if I was the only boy in the neighborhood.  The two girls in the house next door became close playmates, and I would spend my days running back and forth between our houses.  Playtime was full of dressing up Barbies and making cookies in Easy-Bake Ovens.  I remember the cute dresses the girls would wear in the summer, and I would sneak into my parents room and look at my mom's dresses.

I was about 4 when I got to wear one.  I looked so cute in my mom's shortest red dress, and one of her wigs.  The preschool halloween party was coming up, and mom let me dress up for that too.  The same red dress, The wig now with a cute red bow in it, a black cardigan sweater and jewelry.  She later said that people had told her it was wrong to have let me go- but she did anyway, and I had a lot fun.  Or should I say "Andrea" had a lot of fun.


"Andrea", age 4.

---

And as far as my mother had known, that was the last time "Andrea" had been around.  But "Andrea" never really went away.  She would sneak up and feel the fabrics of mom's dresses.  She would dig through mom's jewelry and put bracelets on. She would happily play dress up with the other girls at their houses.  And even as an adult- she was hiding around in the corners of my mind.

---

My mom had recently had hip surgery, and over the past few weeks we had traded off my male-self, the kids, and the folks from her church in making sure that she had someone to help her while she healed.  After she was cleared by the doctor- she was under orders to continue to excercise her leg, and was allowed to go back to taking care of herself, and I went back to my normal activities.

My plan had been to stay in girl-mode all weekend.  Saturday was a whirlwind day of shopping (At least for me and my oldest- my son would probably say it went on for far too long!), and when we got home- I got a call from my mom while making dinner.  The feet on the bottom of her walker had been wore off as she rolled it on the concrete- and she wanted me to put some tennis balls on the walker in their place.  I told her we'd come by in the morning and take care of her.  This was my mom and I put my girl-mode plan on the shelf.

I woke up in the morning and started getting ready.  I was a bit ahead of schedule, so I decided to go ahead and do my usual makeup practice. I was getting pretty consistent in my regimen, practice always makes perfect, and I wanted to keep it that way- I could wipe it all off when I was done.

I was about half way done when I thought for a second- What if I stopped right here?  I had foundation and powder on already-What if I didn't put my lipstick, eyeshadow, and mascara on? I realized I looked like my natural self with a clearer complexion.  I just needed a little cover where I'd gotten foundation on my lips.  My wife had a shade of lipstick that I hadn't thought much of because it didn't do anything for me- it was the same shade and tone as my natural lips! I remembered it and bingo, I had my long sought natural "no-makeup" makeup look!

I had another makeup win- and I didn't want to wipe it off this time either. I had also had this vague thought of how I would eventually come out to my mom.  I knew she would go ballistic, I would be chided for my childishness- or wore for setting a bad example for my kids.  I agonized over it for a while- and decided it wasn't going to be better later- This would be an awkward conversation for me no matter what, so the plan was back on.  I put my wig and glasses on and girded myself to reintroduce my mom to someone she hadn't seen in 42 years.


Caela, The morning I came out to mom.

---

The kids went in first when we got to my mom's house and I followed after.  I said "Hello" to my mom and sat down in the floor of her living room to look at the walker.  She looked around, looked back down the hallway, and asked the kids where their dad was....

My mom didn't recognize me!

I looked at her for a moment, and said "Mom, I'll answer any questions you have after I fix your walker." 

She looked at me, looked at the kids, looked back at me- and slowly the realization of who she was looking at came to her. Here it comes! I thought to myself....

And there was no upset- only surprise.  She truly didn't recognize me, and was surprised that I didn't look like male-mode me.  I fixed her walker and we talked about makeup (that she might borrow sometime), my falsies (that she wanted a pair for herself), and if my wife had known.  We talked about how the little girl was now a woman named Micaela. She shared that my father had always wanted a boy and a girl and "he didn't live to see the girl."

Somehow I don't think that I'm quite what my father had in mind!

We talked for a while longer before we longer- again normal conversations.  It wasn't the response I had expected, but it was surely the response I needed.

I was on cloud nine- I passed by my Mom!

Next Part- Echoes

Caela


The reintroduction turned out well.  Great!   :)

Hugs,

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline SarahEL

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #54 on: September 16, 2020, 05:41:15 pm »
I'm not surprised you mom did not recognise you - you look very feminine in that photo..Lovely too...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #55 on: September 17, 2020, 11:48:11 am »
Good morning everyone- I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Yesterday was the annual flu shot day in the office, and folks were making their first trip back to the office in months.  Our office is pretty casual, and I was dressed in what I would call "Caela Casual"- skinny jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie- no wig or makeup but I was wearing my smallest falsies.    It had been forever since we had all got together, so my close circle of work friends (some in the know, some not) decided to hang out after work. I got a lot of comments about my lack of a beard, my fingernails being painted, and my weight loss.  It was pretty obvious that my friends were worried about how I am doing, and I kept getting dragged out one at a time by each of my friends to chat while they smoked... 

I'd been on a "smoke break" with one of my friends for almost a half hour and I felt that i'd reached a critical moment in the conversation, and i decided to come out to them.  I showed her some of my selfies, said that this was my life now- and her reaction was that she's so happy that I've got a cute new girlfriend ???

Oh well- I guess people see what they want to see. And I'm cute! :D

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #56 on: September 17, 2020, 12:07:40 pm »
@CaelaNotKayla
Dear Caela:
Thank you so very much for sharing your good and encouraging report regarding your co-workers reactions to your revealing.
Certainly a self-confidence building moment for you.

Personally, for me, coming out was not as bad as I thought it would be....
...my big worries were mostly unfounded.  I am kinda thinking that for many
that are in their journey that, but especiallyl for myself, coming out and revealing
myself as Danielle was the most mind-freeing experience that I have ever had...
... it was like a big weight was lifted off of my shoulders and off of my mind.

Again, thank you for sharing and posting.

HUGS and wishing you continued success.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline davina61

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #57 on: September 17, 2020, 12:52:02 pm »
Well done but the question on my lips is did you put her right and if so what happened?
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #58 on: September 17, 2020, 02:17:20 pm »
Well done but the question on my lips is did you put her right and if so what happened?

Davina-

I tried!  I said- "no that's me" - which she took to mean I was ready for another drink, and pulled me back in with everyone else.....so I figure putting her right will involve me sitting across from her fully en femme with coffee on the table, not adult beverages.

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: The Chronicles of Caela
« Reply #59 on: September 17, 2020, 04:00:51 pm »
Good morning everyone- I hope everyone is having a wonderful day!

Yesterday was the annual flu shot day in the office, and folks were making their first trip back to the office in months.  Our office is pretty casual, and I was dressed in what I would call "Caela Casual"- skinny jeans, t-shirt and a hoodie- no wig or makeup but I was wearing my smallest falsies.    It had been forever since we had all got together, so my close circle of work friends (some in the know, some not) decided to hang out after work. I got a lot of comments about my lack of a beard, my fingernails being painted, and my weight loss.  It was pretty obvious that my friends were worried about how I am doing, and I kept getting dragged out one at a time by each of my friends to chat while they smoked... 

I'd been on a "smoke break" with one of my friends for almost a half hour and I felt that i'd reached a critical moment in the conversation, and i decided to come out to them.  I showed her some of my selfies, said that this was my life now- and her reaction was that she's so happy that I've got a cute new girlfriend ???

Oh well- I guess people see what they want to see. And I'm cute! :D

Hugs!

Caela


People truly do often perceive to see and try to understand in congruence to what they wish situation or facts to be.  When perceptions are not in congruence, often people do take steps to ignore, diminish, or explain away those differences.

I think overall that was a positive outcome.  Good for you!   :)

Chrissy

Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

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