Author Topic: Wish to run away and leave my life behind  (Read 388 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Deb Roz

  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 78
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« on: September 10, 2020, 10:45:51 am »
Hi All,

I recently listened to a lovely book called 'Long Black Veil" by a trans author, featuring a prominent trans character.  This character chose to fake their own death in order to leave their old life as a man behind, and start their new one.  This is a point of conflict for this character, as this choice has repercussions for her life both internally and externally.  She does this in the mid 80s, when things were much different than they are today. 

A little about me:  I’ve been questioning my gender in earnest for a few years now.  It ebbs and it flows, but I never seriously thought about it until a few years ago.  I’m going to be forty in a few months, and the ‘too old’ excuse has never gone away. 

The reason I’m talking about this is because I really related to her choice to abandon her old life an start a new one fresh.  This sensation has haunted me for many years, into my mid-twenties.  Back then it was in a more vague, non-specific way, like I hadn’t lived all I should live, and I felt like I couldn’t start a new life because my old one, family, friends, represented baggage that I couldn’t let go of.  This experience of wanting to escape was especially pronounced when I would visit a new city. 

Lately this sense of leaving my old life behind is where I go when I think about my gender.  Like, “only if I leave it all behind, can I move forward.”  Which, honestly, sounds like an excuse I’ve created to keep myself from doing anything at all.  Sigh, oh well, shrug. 

Just wondering though, has anyone else felt this way?  Is this a common trans experience, being haunted by the sensation of wanting to leave your old life and start an entirely new one, completely free? 
Mid 30s, assigned male at birth, seriously questioning my gender for the first time.

Offline SarahEL

  • Oh no, I have said too much, I haven't said enough...
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 288
  • Reputation: +8/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • That's me in the corner.... That's me in the photo
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2020, 11:21:34 am »
I think wanting to start over - without any history dragging you down as extra baggage is something a lot of trans-folk think about... and a lot have done.
I can certainly see the appeal in it - At the moment, I am planning on moving house before going full-time - to actually time the name change and FT with the day we move - so I leave the old 'him' behind...
Further to that, I have plans to leave to a different country, start a new life with a new love and build a brand new life together... only mentioning my history if there is a distinct need to..
I guess that when you make the decision that this is your life now - you do not want anyone to question why or how you got here... and just accept you for you. It might even be driven by more societal expectations that internal need?
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

  • *
  • Posts: 338
  • Reputation: +3/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Everyone needs a little glam sometime!
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2020, 01:09:04 pm »
Deb-

I had those feelings before I realized I was trans.  Like you it was a vague sense, almost like "this is not the life I want, so can I go start one that I do".  It was a passive thought, as if just the act of moving away would change everything- and I'd forget that I'd actually be bringing myself and my internal baggage along.

For me, those thoughts mostly went away after my realization-  I started acting on my own feelings and I realized that I can make my life what I want.  I don't necessarily feel anymore that I have to move somewhere else to start a new life, because I kinda have already started tiptoeing towards a new life here.  And wherever I end up, it will be an active choice. 

But your choice has to fit your situation.  I'm a widow, with an elderly mom and two kids shortly off to college.  I live in a area that is relatively accepting of transitioning folk.  A higher percentage of my friends are active in the LGBTQ community than the national average.  My situation lends itself to shifting myself rather than a hard break with my past.

And I can always get in the car and drive away if it doesn't work out.

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

In a sky full of people, only some want to fly. Isn't that crazy? - Seal

Offline IamKatrina

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 21
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2020, 01:49:24 pm »
  I have tried to move to start my life over but neither worked for me. I have always ended up moving back to my hometown. I am only speaking for myself when I say that if I can't be myself in my hometown, I can't be myself anywhere. Every time I tried to relocate the same issues I struggled with in my hometown seemed to follow me so 15 years ago me and my wife moved back here and I started trying to work on all the baggage I was carrying with me from place to place. It has been a slow process for me but I am finally coming to that place of self recognition and a place of acceptance of who I am. So the best advice I can give anyone is to make sure you are ok with you before trying to start over. And be sure of your reasons as to why you feel the need to start over someplace else. Is it simply for a change and something new or could it be you are running from something as I was?

                                                                                   Huggs...Katrina
Life itself is a journey into self discovery

Offline Nadine Spirit

  • Little Mrs. Snarky
  • Neighbor
  • ***
  • Posts: 62
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
    • Unordinary Style
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2020, 06:31:39 am »
I've heard of many trans people leaving their old life behind literally by quitting their jobs and moving to an entirely new area and starting over.  It for sure has appeal.  Especially when I consider that in my small town, until I retire 15 years from now, I will most likely forever be known as the transgender teacher.  Yippee! 

As well, apparently I pass just fine, and never get misgendered.  Unless we are talking about my friends, family, and coworkers, then I get misgendered all of the time.  So, only people who knew me pre-transition misgender me, again yippee!!!

However, there is also a certain amount of warmth and beauty from being able to stay in my community and slowly, ever so slowly, gain acceptance and actually begin to change people's perceptions of what it means to be trans.  Sadly for most people I interact with, I am the only trans person they have ever spoken to.  There is vast amounts of ignorance out there and I truly believe the only way to combat that is through education.  How are we going to do that if we always run away? 

If we stay strong and work to educate society now it will only work to help the future.  Maybe things are not perfect for us, but maybe they can be for the next generation. 

Offline TSL_NB

  • *
  • Posts: 106
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2020, 04:55:25 pm »
I think we all want that feeling of being truly, completely free, which is in part, what brought all of us together here.

I guess for me, though, especially with being a parent, I didn't feel the urge to run off, but in some ways, quite the contrary, where I felt like I had to insist on staying put, and setting the expectation that I have a right to be here, too.

That's just been my experience on it.
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)

Offline CarlyMcx

  • *
  • Posts: 974
  • Reputation: +22/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2020, 02:56:41 am »
I didn’t run away from my old life—I walked away.  I put a few years of hard work into my transition in order to make sure my appearance matched my true personality.  I worked on my presentation and personal style.  I let myself stop being him.

Most important, anyone who acted like I was still him only with long hair and women’s clothing got booted out of the airlock.

My wife and I are still together.  I have a lot of new, close friends.  Life is good.

You do not need to run away from your old self.  You just need the confidence to walk away.

Offline ChrissyRyan

  • “Have a gentle manner”
  • Family
  • *****
  • Posts: 26,055
  • Reputation: +32/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • No act of kindness, however small, is wasted.
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2020, 07:26:22 am »
I didn’t run away from my old life—I walked away.  I put a few years of hard work into my transition in order to make sure my appearance matched my true personality.  I worked on my presentation and personal style.  I let myself stop being him.

Most important, anyone who acted like I was still him only with long hair and women’s clothing got booted out of the airlock.

My wife and I are still together.  I have a lot of new, close friends.  Life is good.

You do not need to run away from your old self.  You just need the confidence to walk away.


Thanks for sharing.  I have not let myself “completely stop being him.”   I keep thinking of reasons why it is not yet the right time to do so. 

However, I do know that it will be the right time to do so at some point in time.  When that happens, I will leave him behind in terms of all aspects of daily living.  I have come close to doing so and backed off but there will come a time that I will not back off. 

Chrissy
Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Pammie

  • *
  • Posts: 1,883
  • Reputation: +13/-0
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2020, 04:30:59 pm »

Thanks for sharing.  I have not let myself “completely stop being him.”   I keep thinking of reasons why it is not yet the right time to do so. 

However, I do know that it will be the right time to do so at some point in time.  When that happens, I will leave him behind in terms of all aspects of daily living.  I have come close to doing so and backed off but there will come a time that I will not back off. 

Chrissy
I doubt I will ever again experience the sheer joy I felt throwing away the last Male clothes on full time day - just sheer exhilaration!
“He” had been such a small part of me for months - I felt like I was in drag every working day until that wonderful day xxx


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Offline EZ Linus

  • Lovable Non-binary Person
  • **
  • *
  • Posts: 45
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Androgyne
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2020, 07:07:22 pm »
My girlfriend and I moved 100 miles away from our city and I'll admit, it was easier for her to be herself and to come out all the way. She just recently started being herself. A year before that, she lost her office job, where she was the boss as "him," and that also made it easier for her since she no longer had a work environment to deal with and now works from home remotely. Now that we are in a new town, it seems easier to reinvent ourselves, but through social media, everyone is starting to catch word of the changes happening. Some people are supportive and some people are just silent or turning away from us. In town, sometimes we get looks, and sometimes, it's no big deal. I think it would have been the same if we stayed--as far as the acceptance goes, but outside/environmental changes are sometimes a good incentive to make inner changes as well.

Offline ChelseaAnn

  • Friend
  • ****
  • Posts: 351
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Wish to run away and leave my life behind
« Reply #10 on: September 16, 2020, 04:00:04 pm »
I've been there. I even contemplated (at a very low point) finding a guy who would basically take me in and provide for me as long as I married him. Again, at a very low point in my coming out stage.
I think we all hope for an easier way out. The current state of the US doesn't really help. So, don't worry too much about it. I think we've all been there

Sent from my SM-G970U using Tapatalk

http://chelseatransition.blogspot.com/

MTF, transitioning in 2015

Tags: