Author Topic: Sarah's soliloquy  (Read 4156 times)

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Offline SarahEL

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Sarah's soliloquy
« on: September 13, 2020, 06:42:38 pm »
There is a magic in beginnings, something we should trust in....

A newness to the hope and expectations that are too come. A closing of those events past.
It is a glib quote to say 'my life begins today' - an easy moniker for false starts and future disappointments.

But for me, now, 50 years young... This is not so much a new chapter, more a whole new volume.
Before we even know who we are we fear to lose it. All those horrors past lost in time like tears in rain.

So, here, I will write my life as a story. What's done is done. Where it goes from here is entirely up to me.. For the first time in my life.....

Wish me luck on my way.....
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2020, 06:47:18 pm »
@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
I love to see it when our members start their own Personal Journey BLOG ...

What you write is certainly important to you ... and your readers and followers can comment and share as they read what you write.

We are you biggest fans and always rooting for your success. 

I am looking very forward to following your journey along with you as you share.


Many HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2020, 07:19:14 pm »
Begginings:


How my life began has only just been revealed to me now... A lot of therapy, detective work and asking the right questions of the right people.. But this is how it began for me:

This is me 4 months before my second birthday... My mom wanted a girl... My dad a boy. Unfortunately thanks to being born intersex, they sort of both got what they wanted. Eventually declared male (my dad won?) and so the first stone was cast.....

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2020, 07:33:25 pm »
  [snipped]
Begginings:

@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
So Very CUTE !!!! 
Thank you for sharing! 
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2020, 08:50:19 pm »
Before we even know who we are we fear to lose it. All those horrors past lost in time like tears in rain.

So, here, I will write my life as a story. What's done is done. Where it goes from here is entirely up to me.. For the first time in my life.....

Wish me luck on my way.....

@SarahEL

Sarah-

Congratulations on your new blog!  Yay!

I love that line "All those horrors past lost in time like tears in rain."  That's so true-the past is the past. Your story and your future is yours to tell,  and I'm looking forward to following it wherever the tale goes!

And that picture of you is just so precious!

Good luck and lots of HUGS!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2020, 05:17:13 am »
Middles and the first end:

***Trigger Warning***  - mention of abusive childhood - no detail..



The only photo of me and my parents to exist. There was always a distance....

My childhood was not the best anyone ever had.. and the detail really does not matter, suffice to say the abuses did not let up from my birth until I left home at 18... In 1981, one of my two abusers got jailed for abuse to me and other kids. They are still in prison and never to be released. My mother covered up these abuses, whilst physically and psychologically causing more...

This left me in a dissociative state, one of multiple personalities. Thankfully, I was smart and these multiple personalities shared the abuse between them, leaving one part free from trauma to concentrate on getting us out.
This amazing thing, now called DID, protected me and kept me safe in a world that was anything but.

Never being able to form a romantic connection and repulsed by anything of a sexual nature I was single on my 19th birthday, as I left for university...or rather, WE left  (my multiple personalities)... and so ends the first act.

(* It is thought that this picture is on the banks of the Mississippi in St Louis, MO. the day I left the children's hospital after my final revision surgery - now I'm a real boy!)...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2020, 10:28:27 am »
Middles and the first end:

***Trigger Warning***  - mention of abusive childhood - no detail..



The only photo of me and my parents to exist. There was always a distance....

My childhood was not the best anyone ever had.. and the detail really does not matter, suffice to say the abuses did not let up from my birth until I left home at 18... In 1981, one of my two abusers got jailed for abuse to me and other kids. They are still in prison and never to be released. My mother covered up these abuses, whilst physically and psychologically causing more...

This left me in a dissociative state, one of multiple personalities. Thankfully, I was smart and these multiple personalities shared the abuse between them, leaving one part free from trauma to concentrate on getting us out.
This amazing thing, now called DID, protected me and kept me safe in a world that was anything but.

Never being able to form a romantic connection and repulsed by anything of a sexual nature I was single on my 19th birthday, as I left for university...or rather, WE left  (my multiple personalities)... and so ends the first act.

(* It is thought that this picture is on the banks of the Mississippi in St Louis, MO. the day I left the children's hospital after my final revision surgery - now I'm a real boy!)...

Sarah-

Thank you for being strong and sharing this- Reading it brings tears to my eyes, because I know that place where you were.  I've been there- only my abuser is still out free.  I've seen the ravages of that experience across every aspect of  my existence- and maybe one day I'll have the strength you have shown and be able to talk more about it. 

Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2020, 11:48:12 am »
@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
Thank you for your openness and sharing... writing things out like you have is good therapy in my opinion....   it gives you an opportunity to reflect and perhaps take some positive steps to deal with the mental and emotional toll that all of that has taken on you.
I will eagerly be looking for your future writings but only as you feel comfortable sharing them.

WOW-Whee .... your new Avatar/Profile picture is terrific for all of us to view...  beautiful picture.
Hmmm, I notice now that you have a "Significant Other" badge on your profile when you post comment replies....
... there must be a very lucky person out there that you are very fond of.  ;)

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2020, 04:09:06 pm »
Thanks both, your very kind. I don't feel brave sharing but it is cathartic to write it down in a simplified form, an overview. I have been so obsessed with the minute details, that it is easy to lose sight of the fact I survived it all...

Yes Danielle, the SO badge is another beginning and one that this tale of woe will eventually get too... a Happy ending??
(but in reality, I think it is me who is the lucky one!! ;D ;D )

My top in the avvie is brand new, i got it in the sale today.. along with 2 skirts, a dress and another top.. All less than half-price... I am really pleased with them all (as you can see!)..
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline JanePlain

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2020, 05:00:08 pm »
@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
Thank you for your openness and sharing... writing things out like you have is good therapy in my opinion....   it gives you an opportunity to reflect and perhaps take some positive steps to deal with the mental and emotional toll that all of that has taken on you.
I will eagerly be looking for your future writings but only as you feel comfortable sharing them.

WOW-Whee .... your new Avatar/Profile picture is terrific for all of us to view...  beautiful picture.
Hmmm, I notice now that you have a "Significant Other" badge on your profile when you post comment replies....
... there must be a very lucky person out there that you are very fond of.  ;)

Thank you for sharing and posting.
HUGS,
Danielle


I don't want to hijack Sarah's Soliloquy but I do want to say I feel like the very luckiest! person on earth!
"This world is but canvas to our imaginations.
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2020, 05:03:32 pm »
ACT 2.. Another beginning.

In the year running up to university, I had worked 2 jobs (and studied A-levels) and had enough to get a heap of rust someone called a car - Originally it was a Ford Fiesta, but when I got it, it was more swiss cheese on wheels. You could see the road under the pedals when you drove it.. But I loved that car. It was my freedom.
The day came to leave to travel the 200 miles to my place of study. I filled "Betty" (I always name my cars!) up with all I owned and got ready to reverse of the drive of my parents place, at last to break free..

They had one last hurrah left... They insisted they 'wave' me off, so as I pulled off the drive, they stood with huge grins on their faces in the doorway of their house. I proffer a wave and then my mother pulls out from behind her back a bottle of champagne, my father two glasses, they pour whilst laughing and cheer at me leaving.... I remember thinking 'the feeling is mutual'....

I lived in the university dorm for the first year - a two storey building, bottom male, 1st floor female. Each floor housed 12 of us and a kitchen, a social hub. After 24 hours, I realised I did not fit on the ground floor and so spent my time in the girls kitchen. I was readily accepted by all the students and when I managed to find a second-hand microwave (an amazing find in the early 90's) and put it into the girls kitchen, it cemented my honorary membership of that tribe.

A few months passed, and lots of friendships were formed both male and female. As is the way with a group of 19 year olds, a lot of 'pairings' happened early on between them. Christmas approached and I dreaded having to vacate the dorm to go back home. In the end, I only went back for 3 days and soon returned to an empty dorm. The others trickled back over the next week or so, filled with tales of wonderful times and happy families. One of my closest friends told me how she rekindled the passion with her ex-boyfriend from home.. all of this made me feel very isolated and alone. I remember this time being so sad and crying myself to sleep, whilst the residents either side of me made 'interesting sounds' with their new partners.

My close friend, a few weeks later announced to everyone that she was now engaged to her boyfriend from back home. Sporting a huge rock on her finger and beaming to everyone. He was due to visit her that weekend.

3 weeks later, I find this friend in the kitchen early one morning. She is deep in thought, sad even. I ask if she is okay? She tells me that she thinks she is now pregnant as she is late. She is drinking a whiskey (it's 8am)... I try and console her.. she talks of her life being ruined and how it was all a plan by her fiancee... I offer to get tests, go with her to the doctors... but she is just despondant and at rock bottom... So we sit and talk..

Over the day I check in with her a few times, eventually getting her to come and have something to eat. Whilst we are eating and chatting another girl comes in and asks her to come out on a 'girls night out' there is a party somewhere (it was 90's rave culture, so it was a barn in the middle of nowhere).. My friend lights up and agree's to go... Suddenly i realise that I would be left all alone so I say 'can I come' - by this time a few more have turned up and they vote.. I am bestowed the title 'girlie for the night' and allowed to go with them..

TBC...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2020, 05:43:22 pm »
@SarahEL
@JanePlain

Sarah-

I'm loving your story- both at university and in present!  I can't wait for the next part!

And congratulations on your good luck!  ;D

Hugs to you both!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2020, 05:46:50 pm »
I don't want to hijack Sarah's Soliloquy but I do want to say I feel like the very luckiest! person on earth!

Mmmm.... We will have words later!!!   ( :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ) I was trying to keep the ending as a surprise!
Oh well, at least it explains the big smile on my avatar I suppose! HaHaHa..... LY XX
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2020, 06:01:16 pm »
Mmmm.... We will have words later!!!   ( :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: ) I was trying to keep the ending as a surprise!
Oh well, at least it explains the big smile on my avatar I suppose! HaHaHa..... LY XX
@SarahEL
@JanePlain

Every good cliffhanger teases the ending!  Now I really can't wait for the rest of the story!!

I'm so happy for the both of you!!!!

Big Hugs!

Caela
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #14 on: September 14, 2020, 10:20:09 pm »
@SarahEL   @JanePlain

I am wishing you both much happiness!!!

Many HUGS,
Danielle

               
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #15 on: September 15, 2020, 09:20:41 am »
               
:o :o :o OMG  :o :o :o
I guess the cat is well and truly out of the bag now!
 :D :D :D   8)

(thank you Danielle, that made me smile!)..  :D
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #16 on: September 15, 2020, 05:14:24 pm »
Act 2 continued... another begining..

The party is loud and lots of people are getting drunk.. I notice my despondent (think they are pregnant) friend in a corner with a guy who is plying her with beer.. I am not sure, but I think someone who has survived childhood trauma has a radar that spots predators, this guy certainly was in that category..

I walk over to them, my friend is very very drunk. I take the bottle of beer from her hand and sniff the whiskey that had been added... This guy says 'Hey, that's mine'... I hand him the beer and tell him to get lost. Taking my very drunk friend outside, I sit her on a bench. The cold air starts to sober her up a little... but it also makes me want to go to the loo... Not wanting to leave her I hold it as she slowly comes round. After half an hour or so, she is talking, crying and feeling very sorry for herself. I offer as much support as I can, but still need the loo.. Eventually, I say I have to go.. she then grabs my hand and says 'okay, come on' and leads me into the mens.. Still not letting go of my hand, she instructs me to pee.. I really am busting at this point and sort of have no option but to go.. lady like, she does not look, but keeps hold of the hand.

I get her back to the dorm. She kisses me and we end up in my room. On the bed, still kissing, she promptly falls asleep... I cover her up and fall asleep next to her.
The next morning, she awakes.. her period has started... She is not pregnant. However, she believes that we also slept together and it was the miracle of that, that caused her not to be pregnant?... I don't know why, but I never told her we did not do anything, maybe her being so happy about everything, maybe I wanted someone to want me? She called me her boyfriend and never left my room to sleep in hers again....
When we left University we got married. We started our careers, built a life together and to all intents and purpose became a happy couple.

We were both workaholics, soon rising in our respective careers. Life got better, more money rolled in, bigger houses, better cars...fantastic holidays.. We rode the 90's on an upward trend and lived life together, to the full. We had work, we had each other.. we needed for nothing more.

On my 30th birthday, I get headhunted by a large company. its the new millennium, things look good. This is my chance to get directorship, really make it big. I throw myself into the new job. I am successful, liked and rise quickly with accolades being given out like sweets.. My body is putting on lots and lots of weight in 6 years I go nearly to the top of my company and weigh 240lbs (I started at 140!)... The job starts to get hard, the directorship seems elusive and there is something missing.

The company I worked for started noticing that I was struggling.. as is the way with some companies, they appointed me a personal life coach? bizare I thought but went along with it anyway. The guy was nice, well switched on.. I called him Yoda..but he spouted a lot of meaningless rubbish...I paid only lip service to most of it.
A company conference, over 2 days came up - Yoda was around to inspire the troops.. on the evening, he ended up at my table, we got into talking about none-life stuff... He talks about how he is self employed to spend as much time with his family.. then talks about his kids.. and the love that pours out of this guy is overwhelming.. Wow, that is what is missing in my life... no kids..

TBC...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #17 on: September 15, 2020, 07:42:31 pm »
Act 2 continued... another begining..

The party is loud and lots of people are getting drunk.. I notice my despondent (think they are pregnant) friend in a corner with a guy who is plying her with beer.. I am not sure, but I think someone who has survived childhood trauma has a radar that spots predators, this guy certainly was in that category..

I walk over to them, my friend is very very drunk. I take the bottle of beer from her hand and sniff the whiskey that had been added... This guy says 'Hey, that's mine'... I hand him the beer and tell him to get lost. Taking my very drunk friend outside, I sit her on a bench. The cold air starts to sober her up a little... but it also makes me want to go to the loo... Not wanting to leave her I hold it as she slowly comes round. After half an hour or so, she is talking, crying and feeling very sorry for herself. I offer as much support as I can, but still need the loo.. Eventually, I say I have to go.. she then grabs my hand and says 'okay, come on' and leads me into the mens.. Still not letting go of my hand, she instructs me to pee.. I really am busting at this point and sort of have no option but to go.. lady like, she does not look, but keeps hold of the hand.

I get her back to the dorm. She kisses me and we end up in my room. On the bed, still kissing, she promptly falls asleep... I cover her up and fall asleep next to her.
The next morning, she awakes.. her period has started... She is not pregnant. However, she believes that we also slept together and it was the miracle of that, that caused her not to be pregnant?... I don't know why, but I never told her we did not do anything, maybe her being so happy about everything, maybe I wanted someone to want me? She called me her boyfriend and never left my room to sleep in hers again....
When we left University we got married. We started our careers, built a life together and to all intents and purpose became a happy couple.

We were both workaholics, soon rising in our respective careers. Life got better, more money rolled in, bigger houses, better cars...fantastic holidays.. We rode the 90's on an upward trend and lived life together, to the full. We had work, we had each other.. we needed for nothing more.

On my 30th birthday, I get headhunted by a large company. its the new millennium, things look good. This is my chance to get directorship, really make it big. I throw myself into the new job. I am successful, liked and rise quickly with accolades being given out like sweets.. My body is putting on lots and lots of weight in 6 years I go nearly to the top of my company and weigh 240lbs (I started at 140!)... The job starts to get hard, the directorship seems elusive and there is something missing.

The company I worked for started noticing that I was struggling.. as is the way with some companies, they appointed me a personal life coach? bizare I thought but went along with it anyway. The guy was nice, well switched on.. I called him Yoda..but he spouted a lot of meaningless rubbish...I paid only lip service to most of it.
A company conference, over 2 days came up - Yoda was around to inspire the troops.. on the evening, he ended up at my table, we got into talking about none-life stuff... He talks about how he is self employed to spend as much time with his family.. then talks about his kids.. and the love that pours out of this guy is overwhelming.. Wow, that is what is missing in my life... no kids..

TBC...

Sarah-

I love your update! As I'm reading this post I'm thinking that would have been me-  I was always more comfortable being friends with the girls and always seemed to be the one who made sure they made it home too!   

And I couldn't agree more with your statement of "...someone who has survived childhood trauma has a radar that spots predators..."  We do.

Looking forward to your next post!

Hugs!

Cae
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #18 on: September 17, 2020, 04:40:58 pm »
Today me and my daughter went to view a house for us to live in.. It was perfect and we made an offer..
The tentative steps to safety and freedom.. I hope they accept it...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Online Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #19 on: September 17, 2020, 05:15:02 pm »
Today me and my daughter went to view a house for us to live in.. It was perfect and we made an offer..
The tentative steps to safety and freedom.. I hope they accept it...

@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
I am so happy to read your posting....  if you get a chance please post more about this wonderful news.
Hugs,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

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