Author Topic: Sarah's soliloquy  (Read 4205 times)

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Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #60 on: October 27, 2020, 05:59:11 am »
And so, I get to the final part of my timeline blog.. Bringing everything upto present day.....

Part V - Happy ever after? :-*

 And that is how it was, I had told my wife I was female, she started divorce proceedings, I was alone facing a world of uncertainty but needed to transition and quickly, I needed to survive in this world and I needed to survive as a single woman with a dependant child.

My daughter has strong bonds to me. tbh, I am more of a mother than her mother is (and I am sorry if that offends anyone, but in my case it is true.). So my daughter, without prompt came to me - told me she had worries over us divorcing, she told me, "I want to be with you, okay? can you make sure of that?".... I hugged her, told her it would be fine and that she will be with me for as long as she wants.

And then it happened.....Just a few weeks after my daughter staked her allegiances..  I met... him...

OMG, yes, online I met a man. (He is a man though in actuality he did have some gender issues himself, which is how we met here on Susan's)... He had basically given up on life and had a lot of lemons to juggle. His thinking was 'what the heck' I am dead soon anyway.. The release of the 'trying to be male'  bought on by taking oestrogen was one thing that bought him some solace. He felt he had failed at life as a male.. when in fact it was others who had failed him.. Not being able to contemplate a life going forward and having that taste of oestrogen, and he thought, 'ahhh I have nothing to lose'.. it cannot get any worse. Both of us were at a low point in our lives, neither of us wanted anyone else... but our situations allowed us to communicate and empathise with each other...

It was innocuous at first, just two friends, helping each other, listening to one another. There was an obvious attraction, but we talked and discussed things in our lives, we became closer. I talked about my work, it happens to be the same line of work he is in... instantly our emails became longer, more detailed, a LOT more geeky. A response to one of my 'ideas' PMs (that I had written to be complicated and bamboozle him a bit!) was detailed and knowledgeable.. He actually got what I was talking about (and that is rare indeed!)..I read that email, like it was treasured gold, savoured every word.. and my lips said 'I loooove you!'... quietly to myself... At this point I had not even seen what he looked like.. or really knew much about him at all...

We moved from PM's to email, sent pictures of our projects, then of each other...  Over a few weeks we just connected on so many levels. Intellectually, spiritually, morally. More and more we started to become aware that we could actually be good for each other. My spirit lifted higher and higher, my healing increasing with every email he sent me. In the end, he sends me this big long soppy email, all about his feelings and his thoughts, hopes and plans. He hesitates at the L word, and instead, types a joke about almost saying 'IT!'...
I respond, at the bottom I put, I love you....and wait with baited breath for his response....

   OMG...OMG...OMG....What have I done?

I am a trauma survivor, my senses are highly tuned -What if I have got him all wrong? What if he is not who he says??   So  I set about testing this person out on every level imaginable, I researched, verified and unearthed everything. All I found was  he is an intelligent, amazing, caring, considerate and beautiful soul. And I think it is safe to say he is totally besotted in me. I am in him too. Everything he had told me checked out. Not one mistruth, not one lie...ever...
I really had found a diamond.. my hero.. and this, this was just amazing....

.... and now we just have to make this whole amazing thing work, pull ourselves out of the chaos and upset that is our present and carve a new one out for us and my daughter. I know we will do it, I know we will get there, it will be messy (we have 2 divorces to negotiate, and the fact we live either side of the Atlantic doesn't make it easier especially with Covid) but, this is my soulmate. I want to be his wife so desperately it hurts....

Since that first 'I love you' we have shared around 7000 emails, hours of videos and spent days on Skype together (literally!)..We are as close as two people can be who live 3000 miles away.

... and after 50 years of the pain I have been through, I actually think..'Sarah honey, for once you deserve to be bloody happy! You go for it girl'... :)
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline davina61

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #61 on: October 27, 2020, 08:52:51 am »
Yes you go for it girl sums it up nicely , best wishes XX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #62 on: October 27, 2020, 11:40:28 am »
@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
I know that you know that I had previously sent this to you...
but now with your  Part V - Happy ever after? :-*
I feel that it is again appropriate!!!! 
HUGS and best wishes ... and happiness for you!  Keep us updated... please.
Danielle

           
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #63 on: October 27, 2020, 12:05:31 pm »
@SarahEL

You go for it girl!

I read your post with a big smile on my face- You and Jay both deserve a happy ever after!

But your story is not over, and now you get to fill that book with your hopes and dreams!  Don't leave us hanging and please share when you feel comfortable! 


(and after 7000 emails and countless hours on Skype he better have said 'IT' by now!!!!)  ;D ;D ;D

Big Hugs Sis!

Cae
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline JanePlain

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #64 on: November 03, 2020, 06:23:59 pm »
I've wanted to yell this somewhere and I can't think of a better place then here.

                     
     I'M IN LOVE and I like it!
[/color]


 :eusa_boohoo: :icon_walk: :icon_wave-nerd: :eusa_boohoo:
"This world is but canvas to our imaginations.
Henry David Thoreau - (1817-1862)

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #65 on: November 04, 2020, 06:38:04 am »
I wonder if it is okay just to have a little "AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"
Thanks... I am better now...

I am still awaiting my new NHS number in my acquired gender and name.. So, week last Monday, with only a repeat prescription in my old name I go to the surgery, to inquire if my new number has been done and to place my order.. I get told that they are still awaiting the number and due to Covid restrictions, not taking the repeats in but instead go to my pharmacy and hand it in there...(something I wanted to avoid, as it has my old name on and I look like my avatar!)...
But, anyway, I do this...
On Friday, I send someone to collect my prescription (usually takes 3 days) only for them to be told... We have never had a prescription request in... they even checked both names..  <I don't understand>... So a half hour call, to surgeries and pharmacy and I get informed that, still no NHS number, but prescription is at the clinic, it will be sent over later..
Sunday, I am now out of some drugs (only essential to life, not important...!).. and there is no sign of a prescription.
An emergancy prescription can be done, but not in stock so it will be Monday.. .
Monday - no emergency prescription, it has not been ordered? but actual prescription should be in... so wait 24 hours I am told...
Tuesday, I have to ask my ex to go and collect... yes.. no prescription, no emergancy; ex being ex decides that this is no big deal and leaves...
I call Tuesday evening.. Clinic has sent prescription, pharmacy have not got it.. and the blame was placed squarely on me, changing my name... 'how' I ask??  'It's confused everyone'... was the reply I got from the doctors... sheez...

So, it should all be sorted.. but this morning... in the post - notification of my new NHS number (YAY!)....
Send my daughter over to the pharmacy.. no prescription, check my new name... no, nothing...
I have spent another half hour and have found that the doctors, had the new number on Monday - made up my prescription in my new name.. and then sent it to a completely different pharmacy....??????????

So, now, someone from my pharmacy is driving to this other pharmacy to collect my drugs, whilst my daughter waits...

hence the need for a little let up of steam, which I started with....

I love the NHS.. and all the people who work in it.. but you have to ask.. Why in this day and age are bits of paper being sent between doctors and pharmacies? Why does it take 5 weeks to get a new number, and why does that cause SO MUCH confusion... and... why is the patient always the one to be blamed???  :eusa_wall:
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline davina61

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #66 on: November 04, 2020, 01:42:06 pm »
About normal dear, they no longer do repeat on patches so I have to go to chemist (as I live in town the chemist is "closer" than docs , must be 1/2 in!!) and they have to phone docs to get it approved and then it gets sent down from docs for me to collect . Crazy!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #67 on: November 04, 2020, 06:15:01 pm »
My daughter just popped into my office.. with her diary from 2014 (6 years ago, when she was 8 ) and asked me to flick through it. As there was something interesting inside.. I have, honestly, never read my kids diaries.. So was a bit aprehensive, but thought, at 8 what could it be.. So I went through and came across this....



It reads 'my dad as a girl'....   and this was before any of my GD was known and 3 years before I came out to my wife.

She does not remember why she did it... Just said she thought I would make a nice girl and so drew a picture of me as one... Wow.. I really was the last to know. (the spooky thing is at the time I had very short-shaved hair and she predicted my hair to my avatar almost exact!)..
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline TSL_NB

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #68 on: November 04, 2020, 06:27:20 pm »
Sarah, that's a lovely drawing. :) 

It did make me wonder if one of my kids has something similar in their diaries (sadly, they mostly saw me as sad, angry, stressed, until now, so I doubt it).

I sympathise VERY much with the whole chemist runaround.  Since services were so backed up here in NB, I opted to do my counseling and HRT consultations with VA over the border,  but, only to find out they could not mail my prescriptions to an address outside of the US.

So, I spent about two weeks in a panic, but VA actually faxed my prescription to my GP here on this side, and the GP co-signed on it, so that's how I managed to get started.   But, it was a horror story of stress and fear leading up to that.
It took over 40 years to realise, and believe, that what I am NOT, is a mistake.

(Yes, I'm a Canadian who served in the US Navy....)


Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #69 on: November 05, 2020, 02:02:02 pm »
Great drawing sis!  I've found it fascinating in the reactions  that I've gotten from people that didn't know but felt something long before even I had admitted it to myself....  I think we all have vibes that we are putting out there unconsciously- and some folks are just more in tune with reading those.  Kudos to your daughter for being more in tune with the vibes of the people around her in her life!

Hugs!

Cae
My Blog Thread - The Chronicles of Caela

Who knew it'd be so bright without the blindfold - Demi Lovato

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2020, 06:38:21 pm »
There is something I have noticed with my GD these past few months of being me full-time.
The general, social GD that I have is almost gone.. I am living as me and it is absolutely fantastic.. wow, what a cure. ;D

But then, the body dysmorphia I had, is now getting very, very acute. :'( :'(
To put it as nice as possible, there are bits that are just so wrong now it really hurts. It seems so close and yet...not quite all right. The pain of the GD seems to have all shifted now onto those areas...  I certainly have no doubt what I must do going forward..

That said, I am so happy being me now and my confidence socially is just building and building..
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline EllenW

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #71 on: November 08, 2020, 07:32:30 pm »
Sarah

That was the same with me. After I transitioned and legally changed my name and marker. At first I never thought I would want surgery. But as time went by living as my true self, I heve more and more felt the need for GCS.

I am so happy to be currently scheduled to have January 27th.

Ellen

Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Jane.Shannon

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #72 on: November 10, 2020, 01:19:45 am »
There is something I have noticed with my GD these past few months of being me full-time.
The general, social GD that I have is almost gone.. I am living as me and it is absolutely fantastic.. wow, what a cure. ;D

But then, the body dysmorphia I had, is now getting very, very acute. :'( :'(
To put it as nice as possible, there are bits that are just so wrong now it really hurts. It seems so close and yet...not quite all right. The pain of the GD seems to have all shifted now onto those areas...  I certainly have no doubt what I must do going forward..

That said, I am so happy being me now and my confidence socially is just building and building..

OMG, Sarah! I am so glad to see you write this.  That is exactly how I feel now too.  It seems the longer I am full time the less social GD I feel, and the body GD replaces it completely.  So while the total amount dysphoric feeling has not gone down, they are much more focused.

Thanks for sharing...it feels SO good to not be alone!

Jane
July 2020: Full Time
Aug 2019: Started HRT
Dec 2019: Hair Feminization Surgery

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #73 on: November 20, 2020, 02:41:13 pm »
It is only when you change your name.. that you realise just how many blooming things you have to update,..
Some of the weirder ones I have come up against...

TV licence.... (a UK thing).
My daughters' parent's details at her doctors and school...and dentist!..
My magazine subscription  (and that was difficult!)...
My National Trust membership  (and that was easy! YAY for the inclusive NT!)..
Profiles on online games and my Xbox sub...
and... my Nest thermostat account... Highlighted when they sent the monthly report that said 'HI <deadname>'  Ugh!
even the Amazon Alexa in my bedroom was called '<deadname>'s bedroom' ...

I do now have at least a bank account in my name and all my other official stuff done.. So, it is a lot easier to change these things.. but it is getting annoying now each time one of these things crops up.. and sort of causes a little sigh and I think, oh, I have to out myself again to another faceless organisation!...
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Megan.

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #74 on: November 20, 2020, 03:06:29 pm »
Not fun is it.

After three years I still get accosted by the odd haunting of my old name.

Big hug. X

Sent from my MI 9 using Tapatalk

"Life is a travelling to the edge of knowledge, then a leap taken." - D. H. Lawrence

Offline sarahc

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #75 on: November 20, 2020, 03:58:59 pm »
It is only when you change your name.. that you realise just how many blooming things you have to update,..
Some of the weirder ones I have come up against...

TV licence.... (a UK thing).
My daughters' parent's details at her doctors and school...and dentist!..
My magazine subscription  (and that was difficult!)...
My National Trust membership  (and that was easy! YAY for the inclusive NT!)..
Profiles on online games and my Xbox sub...
and... my Nest thermostat account... Highlighted when they sent the monthly report that said 'HI <deadname>'  Ugh!
even the Amazon Alexa in my bedroom was called '<deadname>'s bedroom' ...

I do now have at least a bank account in my name and all my other official stuff done.. So, it is a lot easier to change these things.. but it is getting annoying now each time one of these things crops up.. and sort of causes a little sigh and I think, oh, I have to out myself again to another faceless organisation!...

I'm almost a year post-name change and I'm still finding things with deadname...

Sarah
----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline davina61

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #76 on: November 21, 2020, 03:13:37 am »
I gave up on some stuff , cant kill old email and its the log in on a couple of web sites that refuse to change. Still its only mildly annoying, must be 6 million junk emails in the old one !!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #77 on: November 23, 2020, 10:33:26 am »
In the Fossil sale recently I managed to get a few 'bargains'!  they arrived today!... YAY!.. needed a break this week to cheer me up.. and my new handbag and purse have done this today...
so you want pictures??



 ;D
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #78 on: November 23, 2020, 10:38:11 am »
@SarahEL
Dear Sarah:
I like your new handbag and wallet..... 
It certainly is nice to pamper yourself with new stuff from time to time.... and especially during these depressing lock-downs.
Keep positive, try to be happy in spite of external situations that you have no control of.

***I love your latest Avatar profile picture!!!!   


HUGS and wishing you continued happiness.
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline SarahEL

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Re: Sarah's soliloquy
« Reply #79 on: December 05, 2020, 10:47:50 am »
I've been busy cooking and baking...
Here are some non-butter shortbread stars... Help yourselves!  :D

Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

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