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Offline IamKatrina

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Overcoming the fear
« on: September 07, 2020, 03:42:26 pm »
 So, I have come out to my family and a couple friends that I am transgender. My mom and sister say they support me in word only. They have a hard time time dealing with me when I am dressed as Katrina. My wife is very supportive. I was straight up with her when we first met. It took her a little time to come to full acceptance but I allowed her that time. My friends, well only one accepted me and she passed away last year. The rest of my friends are no longer a part of my life. Both by their choice and mine. But I have yet to come out in my community.

 I use to go out once and a while and do some shopping at women's clothing stores. But it was hard for me to find the courage. I have never been a confrontational person and I do live in a largely conservative area. So my fear level about coming out is kind of off the chart. So much so that it is more like a phobia. I am seeking out a counselor (preferably a GT) to help me deal with this uncontrolled fear. Because I know the underlying issues stem back to peer abuse and bullying when I was a kid.

 I was wondering if any of you have ever had to deal with uncontrolled fear like this, especially when taking that step outside your door as the person you truly are. And if so, what worked for you? I am at the point where I know I can't keep living this double life. My fear doesn't have so much to do with shame or guilt anymore. It has more to do with how society looks at us and reacts to us. I don't like violence but it often comes with the territory when coming out in society.

 I know relocating to a more acceptable area is an option for many people. Not so much for me and my wife. Besides we have both moved all over the country most of our lives. I have always come back home to where I was raised. The last time I cam back I brought Debi with me and we have been here ever since.

 Anyway, how did you overcome the fear of coming out publicly?
                                                                                  Hugs...Katrina
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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2020, 04:04:33 pm »
You might want to consider going out with your wife to a scenic state park that is far enough away to make it very unlikely to run into someone you two know.  If someone you do not know gives you an unwanted expression or snicker, you can get used to those over time and eventually they will not occur as often or they will not bother you much.

As your confidence or “I do not care what they think mindset” grows, you can simply go out in the community more, first with your wife then alone.  After most everyone you care about knows, as well as others knowing, this going out as yourself locally may become less of an issue.

Yes, easier said than done. This will take courage, more at the beginning than later on.

Chrissy
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Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others. 

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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #2 on: September 07, 2020, 05:00:32 pm »
Yes I have social anxiety and it took me all this time just to be ok being outside and with people regularly. I can't present female socially yet, it's too much for me.

My solution is just giving me much much more time. That's all I can do. I don't know how to overcome it besides staying open and baby steps.
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Offline CaelaNotKayla

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #3 on: September 07, 2020, 06:11:03 pm »
Katrina-

I was very apprehensive on my first outings.  I planned them carefully,  going for a single shopping trip to a store in another part of town at a time I knew it would be slow.  I changed just before entering their parking lot,  and changed back just afterwards.   I wore my covid mask to add anonymity.    My trips were positive experiences,  and it was very self affirming to be treated just like one of the girls- which really boosted my confidence. After a few trips like that,  I had enough confidence to go to the mall.  I go out more widely now and even walk out of my house as Caela- but even so I keep my girl-mode places separate from my male- mode places. 

Caela
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Offline IamKatrina

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #4 on: September 07, 2020, 08:14:24 pm »
 Thank you for all of your responses so far.

Quote from: Sarah-Red on September 07, 2020, 05:00:32 pm
Yes I have social anxiety and it took me all this time just to be ok being outside and with people regularly. I can't present female socially yet, it's too much for me.

My solution is just giving me much much more time. That's all I can do. I don't know how to overcome it besides staying open and baby steps.

 I am in the same boat with you...lol...Personally it is time for me to beat the fear and not let it beat me anymore. We live in an apartment setting of several duplex apartments. Spread out in a pretty good area. We don't know anyone personally anymore. Soooo, I am going to start with opening the blinds. If they see me they see me. I am pretty sure some of them already know from an old neighbor who turned out to be a not so nice friend. Then maybe work on trying to sit outside a little for a while. Things in this area are pretty quiet for the most part.

 I know now that I have to start getting comfortable with who I am and work my way up to getting that attitude of I don't care anymore like the others are mentioning. Because I live in an apartment is one of the reasons I haven't just went for a drive. I have no problem at going for the drive, it is the walk to the car in my neighborhood. I know I shouldn't let that bother me because like I said, some may know. It just those first few steps. Both literally and figuratively....lol

 I used to do it when I was single and lived alone. But I have a wife to think about to. Coming out in the neighborhood affects her as well. Because I know the chances of everyone accepting it is extremely low. We live in a small town in Illinois with a population of about 28,000. So that adds pressure to a decision like this.

 Anyway, those are the first steps I am thinking of. Normally I rush into things. But I am not going to do that this time. I am going to take it step by step and build on that comfort with each step. And I am also going to do it with counseling. Because I know I am going to need that support. As well as with the support and encouragement I know I will get here.

 But know this Sarah, you are not alone hun... 

Hugs....Katrina
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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #5 on: September 07, 2020, 08:28:13 pm »
Sounds like you're on a good track hun :)

I wanted to rush at first and I smacked into a very big wall heh. I have to take it slow, there's no other way, but keeping open helps to not feel like it won't happen. Even just wearing flashier clothing is a bit of a challenge for me, but I've done it a bit more in the last while. Right now taking a break from that lol. But I shave every day or every other day, which is more often than before (and doing laser treatments), and just pierced my ear, so I mean I'm still slowly doing little things.

Lol 28k is a lot for a small town. We're only around 4 thousand people in mine. There are no other queer people around and it's pretty hard for me to feel comfortable with quite a few things, but there's no reason to give up, especially that it's important to us.

It'd be good to know ways to overcome the stuff, I can't share too much advice on that since I'm still trying to find that myself XD, but yeah I'm in the same boat ;)
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Offline barbie

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #6 on: September 07, 2020, 08:44:42 pm »
My motto is "Just do it" as shown below.

barbie~~
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Offline sarahc

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2020, 09:02:48 pm »
The most important thing you can do to “overcome the fear” is to amass allies. Come out to a few people who you know will support you. Then come out to a few more people. And a few more.

I found that after I came out to a bunch of people who supported me, I cared a lot less what anyone else thought because I knew I had people who had my back. That was the most important thing for me to gain confidence in the transition process and in myself.

Sarah
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Offline IamKatrina

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #8 on: September 07, 2020, 10:25:47 pm »
Oh, two Sarah's posting...lol...Yeah we do have to do things in our own time so kudos to you Sarah Red. I hope I can get at least the facial hair removal done. That alone would make things much easier.

To sarahc I have came out to the people in my life that matter. Thing is I don't have a big enter circle. My mom and sister say they accept it but they accept it in word only. My wife and two step daughters fully accept me and are very supportive. I told a couple of close friends but they kind of drifted away slowly after I told them. I have no real social life but I am working on that now both on here and in real life. Just opening up and talking about who I truly am has been difficult for me. I just have let many people in because of past hurts, not knowing and accepting myself fully, and other reasons. Which I will probably share as we all to know each other....lol...guess I could have just said, yeah I am working on those things.  You will all find out I am long-winded and love to write. Although my grammar and spelling kind of sucks. And I am queen of typos too!! hehe ;) :-* Hugs
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Offline Sarah-Red

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #9 on: September 07, 2020, 10:31:23 pm »
It's really great that your loved ones are accepting. I hope it helps you, though we can't rely on others to be ourselves but it's nice to know we have a place we can feel ok to be ourselves more.

I'll look to hearing more from you with time ;)
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Offline Nadine Spirit

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #10 on: September 08, 2020, 06:32:07 am »
I live in a small conservative town of about 1,000 people.  When I first began dressing as me I would dress mostly as myself, then get in the car, drive far away, and then finish.  I was terrified of anyone seeing me, especially my neighbors.  I also work as a teacher in the next town over, which is significantly larger at about 60,000 people.  However I often see my students when I am there.  Thus I would drive about a hundred or two hundred miles away to Hollywood and that was only where I felt safe getting out of the car.  I was so frightened that first time I couldn't even speak.  I simply walked up and down the street.  Eventually I began going to a closer town, which was about 1.5 hours away from my house, to Bakersfield.  It was still scary but not as much as when I first went out.  Over time, I pushed myself to do more and more as me.  At first it was easy things like going to the movies (it's nice and dark in there.) 

Good luck!
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Offline IamKatrina

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Re: Overcoming the fear
« Reply #11 on: September 08, 2020, 11:29:55 am »
Nadine I quoted you and responded but when I posted it only your qoute came up...lol...so I had to remove the post. Anyway I like your idea of getting partially dressed and finishing in the car. When I was single and still drinking I would go to another town and get a room for a couple of days. I did go out occasionally while dressed. The "liquid courage" probably had something to do with it. But I don't drink anymore. So I am finding it harder to overcome the fear. Like I said though, I like your idea and will consider it as an option. Thank You...Hugs...Katrina
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