Author Topic: Questions on coming out.  (Read 288 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Jo35

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 20
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Questions on coming out.
« on: September 21, 2020, 04:34:46 pm »
Hi everybody,
I posted this in coming out of the closet because it is in Part about the Time to come out but feel free to move it wherever it fits. I am in a little bit of a difficult Spot here and I would love to hear your experiences and If possible advice.

I am 6‘3“ and heavily overweight and very clearly seen as Male. I planned to lose a lot of weight before I see how far I come in Transitioning. This would be during about 12 to 18 months.

 I feel a clear and obvious gap between my inside and my outside. In my otherwise very good Life Womanhood is the only thing which could be better. To be a strong, confident Woman would be the completion and I strive to be like my strong confident, feminist female and trans role Models.

And here it gets difficult. If I Go this way the most important thing would be to be legally recognized and biologically be a Woman. The biological part means GCS because even if the gender Spectrum rightfully is very large I personally can not see myself as a Woman If I keep any Male Parts. I don’t hate them but I do not want them If I change. I would not deem them to be a loss.

Obviously I am in a very scary spot to come out. On one hand I really want this no matter how passable I look because again it is the only thing I miss (to be biologically female and have no Male Parts) in my otherwise very good life.

On the other Hand womanhood would be a completion and at least at the moment no do or die thing and obviously it would be nice to be as passable as possible with this Kind of change. Therefore I would like to get to an optimal starting Point to get as far as possible on that Journey. But I also don’t exclude stopping it and simply stay Male.

I think to lose Weight First is not a bad Plan But the Wait is very Long are there any further possibilities other than HRT (definitely no Self medicating) to Transition the Body and socially (Maybe semi openly) even before seeing a gender therapist and while loosing Weight? Have you and tips or advice? Many thanks.

Offline Rakel

  • Formerly known as Dani
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,469
  • Reputation: +46/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Rakel@susans.org
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2020, 07:53:46 pm »
While your story is your own, my transition had similar challenges. When you talk about your need to transition, it is very similar to my own. My end goal was GCS. I was never into clothes or make up, but now I occasionally do chose to dress up, but not all the time.

First came the weight loss. I needed to lose 120 pounds to even be considered for GCS. This took about two years through diet and exercise. It was not easy, but I was driven.

After one year, I went to see a therapist trained in gender issues. Two sessions later I had my HRT letter. Then it was off to find an Endocrinologist who is knowledgeable about gender transition issues. I got lucky and found my Endo on the first phone call and I had an appointment a week later. I have heard too many stories of people who have looked for months for an Endo and finally made an appointment, only to find out that their Endo doesn't do cross gender HRT.

I continued with the therapist and 8 months later I  had my surgery letter and a referral to a second therapist for  the confirmation letter.

Finally I was off to visit my GCS surgeon. My surgeon took a look at my age (I was 66 at the time) and demanded that I see a cardiologist in addition to my Primary Care Physician for the surgery clearance. If you have any cardiac issues you may be excluded from surgery.

The rest is history  and I am happy with my results.

Of all the obstacles I had to overcome, the most important was to accept myself as I was pre transition.  :P   Keep in mind that GCS only changes a very small part of your body. The other 97% will be essentially the same after surgery as you were before surgery.

We all have our own unique needs and paths to transition. The big question you must ask yourself is, "How do you want to live the rest of your life?"  ???

Take care.  :-*







_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Jo35

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 20
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #2 on: September 22, 2020, 12:03:45 am »
Dear Rakel and other sisters
Thank you so much for your answer and so much respect for your story and Courage. What a Relief to See that there are people with similar Stories.

If you ask me how I want to live the rest of my Life I tell you without any glimmer of hesitation as a proud, confident, feminist, heterosexual, biological Woman. While I would fully accept a restricted passability and not be able to live in stealth (that would be too gender stereotypical) I would nonetheless want to not have Male Parts in my Life anymore. That means presenting fulltime, going all the way biolocigally, having the F in the passport and so on. If that would be possible I would do the Transition immediately.

At the Moment i want to test out how far this is possible while I am still in my thirties. I Never ever thought I would be a possibility But there seems to be, which is such a big relief.

By the way I am well aware that feminist and heterosexual is in part a conflict. While it is very important to me to be, live and think as a Woman and get rid of Male things I still don‘t see anything Male as bad. Feminism is in my view against toxic masculinity and the opression/sexism Women and Trans Women have to live with daily. If there is no toxicity in life I could very well imagine to be together with a Man or even married with one.

Edit: I found  the Fitness Topic in this amazing Forum (gonna do the research there). Is there another topic for the Social Transition before HRT?  (did Not find that yet).
Take Care and again, many thanks.
« Last Edit: September 22, 2020, 05:01:03 am by Jo35 »

Offline Rakel

  • Formerly known as Dani
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 3,469
  • Reputation: +46/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Rakel@susans.org
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #3 on: September 22, 2020, 05:58:22 am »
Is there another topic for the Social Transition before HRT?  (did Not find that yet).

Social transition before HRT might be covered in the Real Life or Cross Dressing subforums.

Many of us adopted an androgynous style before HRT, when we were still questioning if transition is possible. For me, the androgynous look helped some and allowed me to explore issues without full commitment.




_______________________________________________________________

Retired Pharmacist with over 40 years experience in Hospital and Retail Pharmacies.
I still keep my professional licence active and in good standing.


Offline Sophiaprincess2019

  • *
  • Posts: 667
  • Reputation: +4/-0
  • Gender: Female
    • www.tickerfactory.com
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #4 on: September 22, 2020, 08:47:41 am »
On the other Hand womanhood would be a completion and at least at the moment no do or die thing.....

But I also don’t exclude stopping it and simply stay Male....

Dear Jo35,

After reading your story I formulated this opinion: Don't transition UNLESS you cannot live on this earth one more second as male, period.

Hear me out, I'm FAR from anti-trans since I AM a transgender woman myself so read on....

I'm in the final stages of a complete sex and gender transition. Over the last two years I've learned a lot about what happens to someone who transitions, their family, friends, jobs, etc. The losses you will encounter are going to astound you, the hate you will see is going to be ugly. There are risks: the most important of which is losing your life, literally

Gender transition is a very serious matter. Personally I had no other choice, it was either transition or I would no longer be here. I can not explain why, all I know is it was either transition or devastate everyone in my world and cause the deepest sadness and regret to those who love me, something I'm not prepared to do, ever.

I do not advocate ever CHOOSING to be transgender as doing so would voluntarily thrust yourself into a world of hate and discrimination that you cannot escape. If I had a choice I would have gone to therapy, lived as a gay male (I'm attracted to men) cross dressed or any OTHER thing possible BEFORE transition.

Please consider every option before you make a decision that will risk the one thing you cherish most, your life.

Wishing you the very best,

Sophia







 
1968 Assigned male at birth with feminine mannerisms
1978 Dolls and dresses
1988 Experimental stage, limited makeup and clothes
1998 Denial continues, unsuccessfully tried living as a man
12-8-2018 Knew I was a woman, time for a change....
2-22-2019 Started HRT
8-9-2019 Legal Name Change
8-14-2019 New Drivers License issued with correct gender
9-5-2019 Social Security card updated
10-12-2019 Birth certificate updated
2-22-2020 One year HRT

Offline Jo35

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 20
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #5 on: September 22, 2020, 12:50:27 pm »
Dear Sophia
Thank you so much for your very interesting, important and above all honest input.

I have a little bit mixed feelings about this topic I must say. But I am well aware of this and your answer is really helpful and exactly what I hoped to get in a Platform like Susan’s because it helps to reflect on a very difficult decision like this.

Yes I love Life too much to die If I have to stay Male. I have never had depressions or any kind of suicide thoughts because of my gender and I am very very thankful for that because I know that with many Transwomen it is otherwise. The simple reason for that is that in my deepest conviction there is no Problem and be it as Hard as it can be, which can Not be solved.

On the other Hand I don’t feel this way by choice. I have been feeling this way for the last 30 years and I question myself If I should finally try to do something about it while I still have a lot of Years to live.

You rightfully say that I have the choice to continue living as a Male. Yes I have that choice and I would maybe even consider to do this because as you also read in my Story, there is no middle way. Either it is no Hormones or If possible the whole thing and that makes the process even more difficult. Crossdressing will not solve the Problem because it is something which I feel deep inside and which will not go away when I wear female clothes ( I tried and it felt amazing but does not help).

When it comes to hatred towards Trans Women I am also aware of this and I see the difficulties to come out If the Family or the Friends don’t accept. That would be very very difficult for me as well.

 But as an ultra left mentally female  feminist I am also convinced that everybody Man or Woman should fight sexism because the hatred you get is exactly that. You get reduced because of your gender. And this is wrong. Don‘t let Men oppress you. They don’t have the right to do that because a Penis makes them better. It does not.

As a Trans Woman you are strong, beautiful and you have way more Courage than the average toxic Male because you took the way upon you to live in the right gender. The easy way would have been to end it. Men and other Sexists are Weak. They Need to oppress people. They can be fought.

And there closes the Circle. Mentally I have felt female for a very long Time and in the above mentioned words you see my problem. I hardly like any part of being a Man. It feels wrong. Women are able to do the Same things and a lot more. And above all they are not toxic. I hardly know Women or Trans Women who strive to make other People small. Women can choose to have emotions. They can wear beautiful clothes and so on. All this I can Not do because my inside is not the same as my outside.

I like a lot of other things in my Life and that’s why I will not end it. Suicide is Final and you can not know If what comes next is better. Therefore it is no choice and for that reason it is no do or die thing.

What I have been asking myself though I would not be much happier to finally get rid of the thing I really don’t like in my Life despite all of
the difficulties there are. Maybe you are right, a Transition should only be done if it is a do or die thing. But maybe I am right and despite all the difficulties it is better to become biologically female than live on with a female Brain and a Male Body which would be the case since suicide is no Solution. It is worth nothing to have a penis If you hate it because it is a sign of what you are Not and do Not want to be.

I wish you the very best as well.

Joanna

Offline AllieSF

  • *****
  • Posts: 808
  • Reputation: +6/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • Ain't Life Grand!!
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2020, 09:51:32 pm »
Joanna,

You speak with a good head on your shoulders, and that is going to help you a lot along this transition path as you move forward.  What works for one, may not work for others.  Transition to that place where one feels good is also different for many of us.  You can start and stop wherever you are and no one can, nor should, tell you that you are wrong. 

I am a rare bird in these waters because I am a late bloomer in everything trans related, and have not found any telltales from my youth that may have shown/indicated this path I have taken starting at age 60 from ground zero.  I was not forced to decide to transition as I went from and an extremely happy male identity to an even happier female one when I finally decided to transition.  I realized that it was time to let others know what I was and came out as transgender.  I had already been reading everything CD and Trans related on another very good forum and knew the various options, steps, questions, doubts, problems, victories, etc. about being transgender and then transitioning.

I transitioned because I wanted to complete the process to where, wherever that was, I would feel most comfortable and happy, and that for me is full time with one surgery to go if I can find the right doctor who accepts my insurance and hopefully does my desired surgery technique.  Yes, there was a need to keep going, but without any serious issues shouting in my face to not go forward, I was happy and, maybe most importantly not afraid to move forward.  It was very easy to make that decision that I wanted to make.

Now, in your case, you have already received some good advice.  I assume you have had some type of gender therapy assistance.  If not, that is a great place to get some common sense assistance in getting your priorities straight.  It may also help in many of the decisions that will come your way, like what to do first.  I like your plan to work on your weight because, yes, many surgeons are concerned about performing serious procedures on overweight individuals, because the risk goes up for the patient.  While doing that, I strongly recommend starting on facial hair removal, since that can be a very lengthy and costly, and most here will probably say that you should have started that yesterday.  One benefit of doing that, even if you do not fully transition, is that you will only need occasional touch ups (minor hair removal) and you never really have to shave your face again, plus no one will probably ever ask you why you are always so clean shaven.

You say that you enjoyed wearing female clothing.  That is another area to work on before deciding to go full time.  By practicing early in the process, at home, alone, or with someone else (non-sexual) you can learn a lot about the clothes, the styles, the sizing and what works best for you as you lose weight.  Meeting a sidekick can be possible by networking through some trans support/social groups.  They can really be of great help in a lot of areas. 

Another ongoing process to get to that full time point is to learn to be comfortable and proud of yourself as is, who you are and how important you are to yourself, others and this planet.  Therapy, reading a lot on this forum and experimenting by being yourself can help a lot.  Learning others experiences from the best to the worst can give you an idea of what may lay ahead during your transition, and also give you the many ways that others have struggled and many, if not most, of those have made it through it all. Therapy can help you make sense of it all.  Experimentation can give you that real life experience of practicing and then eventually presenting as best you can to interact with others out there in the real world, and more importantly give you that inner confidence to keep going if you want to go further.  This last one is sometimes undervalued in the overall big picture.  Another thing is to work on your voice learning to get into a more female range and with the proper inflections and other female voice characteristics.

As for totally passing, for the vast majority of us, that is a wonderful but unattainable dream.  However, we can learn to blend in and if one takes the time to watch cis women out for daily chores, you will quickly see that they come in all shapes and sizes and fashion styles or lack of the latter.  However, they are not obsessing with their looks and clothing styles.  They are living their lives as best they can.  That is really what all of us can do, do our best, keep trying but don't let it get us down.

I think that you will receive a lot of good advice on many of your questions and doubts.  Keep reading and asking your questions.  Someone's story will resonate with your own.

I wish you the best of luck,

Allie
HRT - February 2017
Full Time - July 2018
Orchi - January 2018
BA - September 25, 2019
FFS - January 10, 2020
GRS - TBDDD (To Be Determined, Decision and Date)

Offline Jo35

  • Newbie
  • **
  • Posts: 20
  • Reputation: +1/-0
  • Gender: Female
Re: Questions on coming out.
« Reply #7 on: October 24, 2020, 10:49:36 am »
Hey, Thank you so much for your really helpful Answers.

I have not received gender therapy yet but let‘s say I have some professional experience with solving problems concerning hatred.

I have developed  three convictions over the years.
- all problems are solvable in a satisfactory manner. That may sound naive but it is my personal experience.
- all people are worth it to be and live on this planet and be treated nice.
- people who hate women or trans women or any other human bring should be fought because those who fight are stronger.

The Voice things on <another forum> and that video platform with Y are really fascinating.  :)

Tags: