Author Topic: Back in the closet ** Trigger Warning **  (Read 227 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline PeterSteele

  • "I was fine, until I was born. And it's been downhill ever since."
  • ****
  • Posts: 171
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Back in the closet ** Trigger Warning **
« on: September 23, 2020, 09:51:59 pm »
Trigger Warning - Sexual abuse

I went back into the closet when I got sexually abused at 14-15. I have been closeted ever since and it has been hell. I try my best to be more feminine or at least just neutral, but still in the back of my mind I always think "you'll never be a man" and other gender dysphoric stuff. When I hangout with boys at school I fill with envy that I do my best to hide. I am told that I am a beautiful girl and I appreciate it, but I know people usually say that because they just want my body. I don't know how to explain how I feel about being a female, it just hurts but I have been pushing it to the back of my mind for a few years now. When people call me their "girl friend", "daughter", etc, It still frustrates me and makes me get hit in my feelings. I really tried my best to get rid of this gender dysphoria, but it won't leave me. I still wish I was male, no matter how hard I tried not to. I don't know what to do with myself. This depression and anxiety is not fun. I feel so alone and I have so so so much self hatred. Maybe that's why I have been purposely doing whatever I can to self destruct? Or it could be the sexual abuse, or my mom being an addict in jail, or my dad and stepmom being distant and blaming everything on me, or being in CPS. I don't know I am so confused. What should I do with myself? I just got out of RTC's (residential treatment centers) only a couple weeks ago after spending time in those for a year and a half. I don't want to get sent back to those facilities.
Peter Steele Θ

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
  • *
  • *
  • *
  • Posts: 31,220
  • Reputation: +43/-0
  • Gender: Female
  • northernstargirl@susans.org
Re: Back in the closet
« Reply #1 on: September 23, 2020, 10:37:27 pm »
@PeterSteele
Dear Peter:
I wish that I had the words to say to you that would help you to successfully help you with the issues that you shared.
Please know that I am going to give some more thought about your post and hopefully I can say more that may give you comfort and healing.

You are doing the right thing by writing out your feelings and the issues you are experiencing....  it gives you an opportunity to ponder possible solutions and consider positive steps you can take to better your situation

You need to stay positive....   negative thinking will not be helpful.
If you have not already been to the following Topic and thread I would suggest that you go to this link and look at some of the very first postings and comments there...
         Positive Mindset... put away negativity

I am indeed praying for you and wishing you well.  As you feel comfortable doing please keep me and the rest of your followers updated

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle.
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline PeterSteele

  • "I was fine, until I was born. And it's been downhill ever since."
  • ****
  • Posts: 171
  • Reputation: +2/-0
  • Gender: Questioning
Re: Back in the closet
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2020, 08:39:56 am »
@PeterSteele
Dear Peter:
I wish that I had the words to say to you that would help you to successfully help you with the issues that you shared.
Please know that I am going to give some more thought about your post and hopefully I can say more that may give you comfort and healing.

You are doing the right thing by writing out your feelings and the issues you are experiencing....  it gives you an opportunity to ponder possible solutions and consider positive steps you can take to better your situation

You need to stay positive....   negative thinking will not be helpful.
If you have not already been to the following Topic and thread I would suggest that you go to this link and look at some of the very first postings and comments there...
         Positive Mindset... put away negativity

I am indeed praying for you and wishing you well.  As you feel comfortable doing please keep me and the rest of your followers updated

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle.


Thank you I really do appreciate it a lot. I really need some help on figuring myself out and I hope you could help me. Also you are gorgeous! I will go check out that thread, I need some positivity.
Peter Steele Θ

Online MeTony

  • *
  • Posts: 1,448
  • Reputation: +17/-0
  • Gender: Male
Re: Back in the closet ** Trigger Warning **
« Reply #3 on: October 17, 2020, 01:16:45 pm »
How are you doing now Peter?

Have you thought about getting therapy because of the abuse?

I was physically and mentally abused until I was 15. I have learned to accept this happened to me. It was not my fault. And there was nothing I could do.

But I am still not ready to forgive. I doubt I ever will.

Acceptance and forgiving are different things. When I accept something has happened to me, then I am ready to heal.

Offline angelats

  • ***
  • Posts: 67
  • Reputation: +1/-0
Re: Back in the closet ** Trigger Warning **
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2020, 08:45:44 pm »
Thank you for the trigger warning. My writing below might also trigger.

It is great you write about yourself and share it with us. Thank you.

You wrote:
"I don't know what to do with myself. This depression and anxiety is not fun. I feel so alone and I have so so so much self hatred."

That is a very good question. What to to do with myself? There are great helpers, therapists and teachers, but they are rare and there are also liars or fools or bad persons.   

First of all: It is your life. It belongs to you. Its a gift for you. A great and wonderful gift.

What helped me on my way was the following Shakespeare quote:

"To thine own self be true,
and it must follow, as the night the day,
thou canst not then be false to any man."

I would advice you to seek help, if possible.
I am thinking of therapists who are specialized in the treatment of sexual abuse and transsexuality.

What helped me was to meet with gender theraphist and transsexual self help groups and also with trauma theraphists and a selfhelp group of men who experienced sexual abuse.

My goal as a mtf transsexual and sexually abused boy was to survive, to heal, to let my past behind me, to free myself and to live life to the fullest.

The goal there was to learn to love myself, to aceppt myself.

Not all experiences with the theraphists and with the self help groups were entirely good, but in the end it all helped me well on my way. You have to learn to think and to feel and to judge for yourself. Everyone goes a unique way.

I learned a lot of things then. For example, that i am not guilty for what happend to me, i was innocent.

So be careful, listen to yourself, be truthful to yourself and look out for healing, thriving. One has to learn what is best for oneself.

Brightest blessings.
« Last Edit: October 24, 2020, 03:29:38 am by angelats »