Author Topic: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?  (Read 422 times)

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Offline Rebecca28

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Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« on: October 08, 2020, 03:11:38 pm »
Ladies,

I am fortunate to have a mom that supports my transition 100%. I am fortunate she is still with our family as she is in her late 70’s. My question is any advice for our new mother /daughter relationship or things that you have done with your mom? It’s so nice to finally have this type of relationship that i missed out on my whole live? Yesterday mom gave me a dress and some other clothes. I tried them on and they fit. I love the dress!! I felt like a little girl and started crying. Mom just comforted me. I was so overwhelmed my emotion to feel this gift from her. I am very very lucky!! I know! It was the first time I felt a mother/ daughter relationship with her. Any advice is appreciated! Hugs, Rebecca

Offline Allie Jayne

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2020, 04:44:20 pm »
Rebecca, I am sort of in the reverse situation, where my daughter supports her trans dad! Even when I presented as male, I had typical female interests, an my daughter and I made a connection as we could understand each others thoughts. It helped that I raised her from 5 years old on my own, and provided all the motherly and fatherly support she needed.

She always felt free to confide in me her innermost thoughts, and I gave her advice on fashion, dealing with other girls, handing boys, then babies, cooking and general domestic things. When she had her babies, I was the only one she would trust to care for her newborns.

I also had a mother / daughter relationship with my mother, who sadly passed some 20 years ago. I was one of 4 boys, no girls, but she knew I was different, so she passed on to me things she would have passed on to a daughter. She gave me her cook books and jewellery before she died, and I treasure them to this day.

So I think it’s about finding common ground, particularly in typical female areas, being open, and making that connection with your mother. Talk about your feelings with her and watch for her to open up to things she would not tell a man. Then you will have made that connection!

Hugs,

Allie

Online sarahc

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2020, 06:55:35 pm »
I also have a mother in her late 70s, and since I told her that I was transitioning, it has been a lot more rocky than your relationship. However, I have been patient, and she is coming around to trusting me on this process, and she is getting used to the new me.

It has been weird working through the relationship with COVID as a backdrop. The lack of opportunities to go out and do things together has had both advantages and disadvantages.

I don't think things that moms and adult daughters do together is rocket science...they go out to lunch together, they may occasionally do some shopping together. Most middle-aged women I know honestly don't spend that much time with their moms...they've got their own busy lives (plus varied histories of their relationships with their moms).

But here are a few ideas:
* Doing holiday gift shopping together is a great idea!
* If you share hobbies, that can be fun.
* A weekend getaway to a place that you would both enjoy can be a great bonding experience.

But at our mothers' age, I think what they enjoy most is our company...just going over to visit mom consistently is something your mom will cherish.

Sarah
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48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline Pammie

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #3 on: October 10, 2020, 02:11:36 pm »
I also have a mother in her late 70s, and since I told her that I was transitioning, it has been a lot more rocky than your relationship. However, I have been patient, and she is coming around to trusting me on this process, and she is getting used to the new me.

It has been weird working through the relationship with COVID as a backdrop. The lack of opportunities to go out and do things together has had both advantages and disadvantages.

I don't think things that moms and adult daughters do together is rocket science...they go out to lunch together, they may occasionally do some shopping together. Most middle-aged women I know honestly don't spend that much time with their moms...they've got their own busy lives (plus varied histories of their relationships with their moms).

But here are a few ideas:
* Doing holiday gift shopping together is a great idea!
* If you share hobbies, that can be fun.
* A weekend getaway to a place that you would both enjoy can be a great bonding experience.

But at our mothers' age, I think what they enjoy most is our company...just going over to visit mom consistently is something your mom will cherish.

Sarah
My mam passed away in 2015 and it’s no coincidence that I didn’t start transition until 12 months later. My parents would never ever have understood or accepted and I really think it might have been a health issue for mam!


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Online sarahc

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #4 on: October 10, 2020, 03:16:25 pm »
My mam passed away in 2015 and it’s no coincidence that I didn’t start transition until 12 months later. My parents would never ever have understood or accepted and I really think it might have been a health issue for mam!


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I actually had an opposite situation...my dad passed away in 2018, and he definitely would have been supportive. And I think his death really hammered home the notion that we really have so little time on this Earth, and that prompted me to really examine transition as an alternative. Also, I really wish he had known that I was trans.

Sarah
----
48 years young.
Known that I am trans since...forever.
First therapy session / decided to transition / hair removal: October 2018
HRT: January 2019 (journal https://www.susans.org/forums/index.phpVF/topic,244009.0.html)
VFS: September 2019; three-month report here
Full-time: April 2020
FFS: August 2020
SRS: January 2021

Offline Pammie

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #5 on: October 10, 2020, 03:18:07 pm »
I actually had an opposite situation...my dad passed away in 2018, and he definitely would have been supportive. And I think his death really hammered home the notion that we really have so little time on this Earth, and that prompted me to really examine transition as an alternative. Also, I really wish he had known that I was trans.

Sarah
It’s such an interesting world isn’t it! So many individual journeys!
I’m so sorry you never got that opportunity and support. Hugs xxx


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Offline SarahEL

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Re: Mother/daughter relationship during and after transitioning?
« Reply #6 on: October 10, 2020, 04:06:14 pm »
I am so glad you have that relationship with your mom Rebecca.. Mine is nowhere near like that - I have not spoken to her for 3? ish years.. and do not want to either.. She was an abuser of me..

The relationship I have with my daughter, however, is much different. We are like peas in a pod. Like Allie, I have raised her from birth and been there for her every step of the way.. I am sure if she had any issues like this I would be the first she shared it with and of course, she knows, she would have my full support....

But - as for what to do with your mom.. I guess at our age it is just visit, spend time and talk... I think that is what a normal, adult mother-daughter relationship is... Sounds nice.
Oh, life is bigger,  It's bigger Than you and you are not me
The lengths that I will go to.  The distance in your eyes

R.E.M. - Losing My Religion

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