Author Topic: The point of Contentment  (Read 180 times)

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Offline MelissaAnn

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The point of Contentment
« on: November 03, 2020, 04:12:49 pm »
I was speaking with my therapist yesterday and I was telling her about something that struck me the other night. I was in a car with a friend of mine and as we were going down the street I saw a sign on a business with my dead name on it at least 20 feet tall. I just looked over at and thought to myself, huh! What a weird name for a business and I didn’t even think about it being my dead name till later and I got a smile on my face as I realized how much I don’t associate that name with myself anymore.
My therapist then asked me a question that I hadn’t even given any thought to!!!!! How does it feel to be content?
I never even thought about it to tell you the truth and she commented about the priceless look on my face as I was contemplating her question. I know I had a bit of a smirk on my face. But back to the question…… At first I was like it felt great but that is just to cliché and I started digging a little deeper. As I sat there thinking the thought came across my mind that “How did I not even notice this?” That’s when I realized how much my life had changed. For so long I was always fighting. Fighting my true feelings. Fighting to hide my feelings. Fighting to live up to others expectations. Fighting to end my life. Then things turned as I started fighting for my life. I fought to find myself. I started fighting to heal myself. Fighting to let her out. Fighting to start my unmasking. Fighting to get my letters to start. Fighting to be seen for who I am. Fighting to keep strong. Always battling.
 
There had always been an inner conflict going on due to my dysphoria and it took up a lot of brain power… Then it hit me…… The conflict is gone!!!!

As I started to present my true self there were so many things I was taking particular time to make sure I hid. I had a shadow on my face that I paid close attention to and always made sure was covered with makeup. I would put on my wig to make sure to cover some challenging parts of my hair. (The shaved head I had when I started). I paid very close attention to what I put on to wear. I never noticed that I was spending time to cover things up that I no longer need to cover up…! The struggle is over!!! I’m me!!! I’m Melissa!!!!

Online Northern Star Girl

  • Previously Alaskan Danielle
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Re: The point of Contentment
« Reply #1 on: November 03, 2020, 04:20:24 pm »
@MelissaAnn
Dear Melissa:
WOW.... I am so very glad that you wrote what you did.   For many of those that are closer to the end of their transition than to the beginning, what you wrote certainly hits home. 

Thank you for sharing your encouragement to the many members here that need to know that there can be a light at the end of the tunnel....


HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
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Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

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