Author Topic: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning  (Read 1122 times)

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Offline BeckyCNJ

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Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« on: August 10, 2020, 08:06:20 pm »
As a bit of a therapeutic exercise I wrote a coming out letter. This will probably never be shared because of my wife's wishes but it was helpful to write what I might say to my friends.

I'd welcome your comments.

Thank you!


Dear Friends,

I’d like to share something that’s very important to me with you. Let me say upfront that there are no changes planned in my life. What is new is that I’m sharing this with you. I hope you’ll read this in its entirety.

I am transgender.

While this is new information to you it is something I’ve known from my earliest memories. From four or five years old and going through my college years I would have verbalized this as “I wish I was a girl.” As I learned more about myself and what is known about what I was experiencing, I would rephrase that to say that mentally I’ve always been female but to the rest of the world I appeared to be male.

As a young child I thought there was something wrong. I had no idea there were others like me. Of course, I asked myself and God why I felt this way. There is no definitive answer.

I believe, and there is scientific theory that supports this, that I was born this way. Whether it’s genetic or something that took place in utero doesn’t especially matter but it is something I did not choose to be and no one made me transgender.

You may be asking why I choose to share this with you now. There are a few reasons. First, as I said, you are my friends and I felt it was important for you to know one of the most important parts of who I am. Second, I hope that in some small way this will make being transgender a bit less abstract. Knowing someone who is transgender might increase your knowledge and, dare I say, your acceptance of those who are transgender. We’re only about 1% of the population and many of us, like myself until now, are hidden from view.

There is no transgender narrative we all follow. Some learn about this aspect of themselves later in life, others know it for all of their lives. Some chose to transition and live a life that matches how they feel about themselves. Others keep it a closely guarded secret.

As some of you are aware, I’m a Christian. The struggle this presented to my faith was significant. Since I believe this is the way I was born I don’t see this as a sin.

As I said, I plan no major changes in my life. I expect to continue looking as I do now and living a life as a husband, father and grandfather. If I were younger I suspect there would be changes but I don’t see that as a viable option at this time in my life.

You may ask how does my wife feel about this. While she can best speak for herself and considers this a private matter, let me say I did share this part of me with her before we were engaged and I promised her I would not transition to being a woman for the rest of our lives together. I have also shared this with my daughters and their husbands. I am very happy to say I had acceptance from them all.

One of the best analogies I’ve heard about being transgender that could have some resonance with those of you who aren’t is about being right or left handed. For most of you, it was the way you were born. You didn’t decide to be left or right handed and if you were forced at this point in your life to switch to the opposite hand it would be a struggle that would most likely feel unnatural for the rest of your life.

As I said, I welcome you thoughts and questions.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. I value your friendship and I hope you still consider me a friend.

Offline Susannah

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #1 on: August 10, 2020, 09:04:25 pm »

This letter is very elegant and thoughtful.  Well done.  Not sure why but many transitioning people write excellent essays and blogs about their experiences.

For some reason, writing things down always clarify things better for me as well as being tension reducer.  Maybe that is the whole idea.

Offline Confused1

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Re: Coming Out Letter - But Not Transitioning
« Reply #2 on: August 10, 2020, 10:48:19 pm »
Hi Becky,

I was also born in the 50's. Because of something traumatic at a very young age, I always though my weird thoughts came from that. I had nightmares and pills for a long time. Didn't know I wasn't alone. I had the dysphoria pretty bad in my teenager years, but didn't have anyone back then to talk to and no Internet. I didn't tell my wife when we got married, because it was not long after I got saved, and that seemed to turn the dysphoria volume control way down. I managed to have a pretty successful life. Only once since did I have another bout of it. Other than that it has mostly been background noise.

2+ years ago I had a prostate surgery that was life changing. Not in the way any urologist talks about. I spent thousands of hours on the Internet searching for a cure. Lo and behold, early this year I realized I am transgender while reading someone's thread on this site. I told my wife and it was a wild ride for awhile. That is much better now.

It just so happens that what can help dysphoria is the ONLY real solution I found in all of my searching to fix my medical issue. The Cis world doesn't have a good way to fix it and don't even want to acknowledge the problem. If you want to know more about it we can PM. I know it seems really weird, but without the prostrate removal I would never known I was trans. I have a consult in a couple of months and plan to have the Zero Depth bottom surgery early next year.

I am Christian also, and have never had one bad comment from it on this site. I consider several here my friends. I live in a very conservative area and attend a very conservative Evangelical church. My Pastor and I go way back and I came out to him recently. It turned out pretty good, but I don't have much social need at all. If I had/have to fully transition it might be different. I am pretty much the go to guy about the bible at my church so that could be interesting.