Topic: Coping with emotions during early HRT - remaining closeted

[kelly_1979]

I don't know why I really care about it. Currently I'm still stuck in "usual" calmness/ apathy (though probably my subconscious is screaming inside, I just don't feel it).

I live with my elderly narcissistic parents and I just started HRT. I'm in the middle of a difficult project in my PhD and need to be able to really focus. The reason I started HRT was because I couldn't stand dysphoria and health issues anymore.

Currently I don't have any real privacy. Still, my parents depend on me for pretty much all the errands, at least half the cooking etc.

My mom irons my clothes though. Is it too much? Should I do this too? I really don't want her touching my fem clothes (when I buy them). (She had thrown away jeans I had bought years ago when I tried to present subtly fem).

Couple of questions. I know it's YMMV but

1) How long would it be feasible to hide changes? (I'm 41 but relatively thin - 183 cm 67 kg but kinda broad shouldered - ~16.5 inch biacromial diameter). Would it be difficult to hide breast development?

2) Should I try to hide as long as possible? At a certain point it's going to become visible.

I still have zero fem clothes (I'm skinny fat because of stress) and because of COVID it's kinda hard to shop and try clothes. I wanted to lose some stubborn butt fat and gain muscle (ideally back to what I was 2-3 years ago) but I don't know if it's feasible.

3) Any suggestions from avoiding HRT messing with my mind and my focus regarding my PhD? I need to be like 110% focused to be able to finish. Currently my memory is very bad so I didn't have any choice anyway.

4) Should I tell people I've already come out that I've started HRT? I'm heavily inclined to NOT. I don't need more drama or questions in my life right now.

Basically I want to be as stable as possible and avoid overwhelming emotions from taking the focus from my work.

Perhaps I'm overthinking it and the changes will be way more subtle then I used to wish for. I know at a point I will have to socially transition. I mean, I want to, I'm just terrified.

[Devlyn]

I socially transitioned, then started HRT. So how you do it is entirely personal preference. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[lily_m]

I'm 6 months into HRT. No, I don't feel HRT mess with my mind other than make me feel more feminine. It won't interfere with your project as long as you stay within the right dosage. Breast growth is not a concern under clothes as long you don't get any fatter. Stop worrying and live your life. Time doesn't wait anyone. You're gonna come out of the closet eventually. It's better to come when you're still young. I've seen senior citizens finally came out at the late stage of their life cause they felt didn't have any more time left. 

When you first starting out wearing female clothes in public. You need to imagine that you are a show performer trying to entertain everyone. This summer, I was wearing nylon tank top and revealed my breast in public. I received the best reactions in Walmart and enjoyed every moment of it. When you get to my level, you no longer fear anything.

In regards to safety concerns, I suggest dress up in broad daylight. You are generally safer when more people and CCTVs are around. Avoid going out at night if you live in a crime ridden neighborhood. People tends to get intoxicated in the evening and mess with you if they think they can get away with it.

Look for inspirations on social media. Sjung, AKA barbie on this forum, is a full time university professor. She gets along with her colleagues and student just fine as a TS and this is Korea that we are talking about, a very conservative nation when just five years ago, adultry can land you 6 months in jail.

Instagramer itsmetaylornoelle, full time ER doctor with wife and kid, still married to this day as a full time TS.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Kelly.  Congratulation on nearing the end of your PhD.

1). You're about my size.  From my experience, you shouldn't have any issues with breast development for a bit.  You will most likely have a year or two before you really have an issue with hiding things.  Provided you don't run around in skin tight shirts all the time.  A quality button up dress shirt over a t-shirt would make almost all breast growth undetectable for at least a year.  With that being said, I'd suspect that after 9 months or so you'd be able to finesse some notable breasts with the right pushup bra if you were so inclined.

2). I can't really say "how long", or "if" you should try to hide it.  That's a very personal decision. I'll just say that you'll have a year or two of "grace" to make that decision for yourself.  I'd say 9 to 24 months is your twilight time.  You are most likely going to have subtle changes in skin, hair, complexion, and breast growth during that window.  I wouldn't say anything staggering... but it is a time where you can go about your male life with some nice skin and little thicker hair, or with a splash of makeup and the right clothes that you'll look quite feminine.

3). From my experience, there's only two things that could really "mess" with your concentration. 1). One would be if you get a ridiculously high dose of Estrogen, or that you're susceptible to mood swings at a normal dose.  However, you should be able to dial that in within a week or two.  For example, I started on IM injections and I noticed the difference in mood and temperament for the first couple weeks as I ran the course of the cycle.  After that I got used to it and adjusted.  2).The only other thing that could mess with your concentration is yourself.  After all, when transition is something that you really really want you're going to be really excited and it can stay on your mind.  Checking for changes, worrying about getting clocked, wanting to share all your excitement with friends, and dreaming of fancy dresses... it can all be very distracting if you let it.

4). I can't say if or when you should tell your friends about it... again, very personal.  However, I would suggest picking one trusted friend (that you've come out to) about being on Hormones.  Just so you'll have someone to share with.  Something so exciting, is very difficult to keep to yourself... having a sounding board to bounce ideas and feelings off of can be a huge help.  I'd say from my experience around the boards over the past 5 or 6 years, you're more at risk of outing yourself to those around you out of joy or frustration with the secret than you are from being given away by your body.  Just a thought.

Keep in mind that the changes will be subtle, but cumulative.

Hope it helps,

Victoria

[kelly_1979]

So... It started. I was thinking "it's never going to happen" and then bam, around day 45-46 of HRT while I was in the shower I noticed some tenderness of my nipples / stringing if hit with water steam or pressed. Next two days they became increasingly tender. I need to be careful of door frames now lol.

But it just happened so suddenly...

Unfortunately the other issues (physical and mental) are still going downhill. I just keep going deeper and deeper. I wish it was the other way round.  I hope they start getting better soon or I'm effed up. I still have SO much repressed rage. Two days ago I was banging walls and screaming.

Also, although it shouldn't affect me so much, just being in the same room with my mom drives me crazy. I tried wearing headphones to isolate myself. I know it's not a healthy thought but sometimes I fantasize I could be really violent towards her. I would never do anything like that. I want to stop having these thoughts. I know the best solution is to plan to move away but right now it's difficult.

I'm going to a therapist though so it should help a bit...