Author Topic: Depression from trying to pass  (Read 1248 times)

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Offline RachelTG

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Re: Depression from trying to pass
« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2020, 05:34:16 pm »

A lot of things changed during the past 7.75 years. I lost a lot of weight, I started at 220 or 230 and am 169 now and at 6'1".

When I started out my clothing choices were not the best. I focused on all the negatives on how I looked and sounded.

I have done my best to erase the T changes. I love being me now. More than the physical looks but how I changed internally. I feel very much at ease and have a lot of confidence.

There was a time I felt others thought I was out of place and did not belong; that I was an imposter. I absolutely do not feel that way now. I gained my confidence by several feedback ways.

Anyhow all feelings reside in you. Associating how you feel and assuming others feel as you think they feel is not real; it is in your head. Unless there is conformation. Most people do not care. Some guys are turned on by it. Some people have religious views against trans. In the end, it does not matter and they do not walk in your shoes.  T does some nasty things over time and there is just so much you can reverse.

If I were to do it again I would have gone to a more aggressive surgeon for FFS ( not doing that again, no way). I went to Dr. Spiegel, who was awesome. (Maybe I just need my face lift and all will be good.)  I need another face lift as I lost weight and there is only so much that can be done with extensive FFS as far as a face lift, at that time of the FFS. BA, because I lost weight I am fine with the 550 ml ( I wear a 38 D and just ordered a DD; I am on the first set of hooks on the 38D, I may need a 36 DDD). If I was 220 I would need another 250 or 300 ml. I want additional fat injected in my vulva and some labia work, minor (is it worth it, yes to me it is. Will I do it, IDK. I have had no complaints). Hair transplants round 3 yup some day but not high on the list. I would love some fat in my butt but IDK, low on list.

Voice, I recommend proceeding with utmost care. Really do research on the subject and doctor. I went to the "best doctor" and had a CTS and then a glottoplasty. I would not recommend a CTS and he put the web in the middle of the vocal fold ( I am serious he did that to me). Round three I went to Dr. Thomas. He would not undo the CTS. He removed the anterior vocal fold ( I am sooooo thankful), took down some of the glottoplasty and stretched the  vocal fold to the the anterior which was removed. He did FemLar too. So far I am very pleased and I know I have some time yet to heal. I wish I never did operation 1 & 2 on my voice.

I use to wear it but with Covid I stopped. Masking just messes up makeup. I am thinking of some eye makeup though. I stopped going to the nail salon too.

I found from going to group that I am very lucky. Some peeps have to do street work to eat and live in the subway in packs for safety. Some live in abandoned houses. Some get involved in heavy drugs. I had a bunch of friends that died. It helped to put my insecurities into perspective. They were there but I knew I was very lucky. I had/have a lot of conversation in my head about how I perceive I look to others. I found it to be wrong. Most people just do not care.

Thanks for the great feedback. I am working on the weight but at 68 there is not a lot of stamina. I just drove from Florida to Colorado with my wife and we spent time in Fort. Myers, Tallahassee, New Orleans, Missouri, Alabama and Kansas. No one gave me any grief and I felt really good about my current passing ability. I could get by with my clothes, wig and mask but as soon as I had to speak I was clocked as male. Still no issues but what a let down.

All of my medical procedures are going to be covered by Medicare (minus deductibles) so does limit my choices of doctors a bit. I have a consultation this Tuesday in Denver at the Colorado Voice Clinic ( The surgeon there has very good experience with voice feminization surgery.

I am approved for bottom surgery by UCHealth Anschutz Medical Campus in the Denver area and am told that this will be scheduled in 1st quarter.

Rambling here but I am making progress.

Thanks again