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Holly's Hopes

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I guess it is time to start a blog on my journey. It is somewhat cathartic to begin documenting everything. Another step in making this real, I guess. I'm not certain I have fully wrapped my mind around being MTF transgender and transitioning. It's almost like I'm watching a movie and this is happening to someone else....

Of course this all started very early in life. Wishing to be a girl like my sisters. Dressing in private etc... Thought it was just a phase or something. Didn't understand nor had the vocabulary to articulate these feelings back in the day. Repression. Depression. Time went by. Tried to forget, ignore, fit in. Binged purged several times. Got married had a great life, career and wonderful son. After getting divorced I have been slowly slipping down the path towards transition over a long long time. Somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. Something was just off.

Tried testosterone didn't make me feel better nor helped with depression like it should have. So I just stopped. Began reading more and more about being transgender and transitioning. Well more than that reading became research into how to. Started dressing more androgynously, perfume, shaved legs/body hair, grew my hair out, then nail polish, carrying a purse bag. Hmmm then started of finasteride. After another year or so I decided to seek out a therapist to work things out. Asked my PCP, who I really like but has zero transgender medicine knowledge, for a therapist referral for depression. Well that's not quite true, I wanted to get a diagnosis letter so I could start HRT. The first person I came out to was over the phone asking the local LGBTQ organization for a therapist referral. It was a shock to say the least to hear myself saying this out loud. I live in a very liberal IC State so a letter was not strictly required. I wanted to clarify my transgender feelings and I thought it would grease the skids for HRT. I guess I must have passed the muster with the therapist. After several sessions I think the magic words to her were I'm at the point where I just really don't give a <not allowed> what people think about this, it is something I need to do. Even with IC, it greatly helped with the endocrinologist (and insurance company) to have a therapist letter. He used it for diagnosis and treatment justification, F64.9 (just found that out!). Just made his life and mine tons easier with a letter. Within the first week, I knew E was right for me. My depression disappeared. I felt alive for the first time in a long while. Started facial hair electrolysis, working through the insurance process and State to get this covered. The insurance company will cover laser hair removal but not electrolysis or more accurately a dermatologist not a licensed electrolysis technician. Dermatologists don't provide electrolysis services only laser which is non-permanent for facial hair removal. So the fight continues..... I'm fairly confident my appeal for covered services will ultimately prevail. But I'm continuing with electrolysis regardless.

So here I am. Well the short version anyhow. Started down the path. Uncertain where this will all lead. I've decided I'll know what to do when I get to each point in this journey. Still presenting male probably will continue to do so until at least facial hair is completely gone or physical changes necessitate. Besides, I need to lose weight, lol. And could use the time to assemble a better wardrobe, voice, etc... I'm not out to anyone. Don't feel the need or desire to yet. Will discuss if someone asks, no one has so far. Guessing when I get my ears pierced and semi-permanent make-up it will be time. I'm not working so no issues on that front. Even if I do go back to working, no worries. I am not concerned about reactions from friends, family on the other hand.........

As you say  family , mine was great apart from the ex. Kids taken aback but have all come round when they see it is still me (not sure what they expected) and going full time was the very best. Good luck with every thing , still waiting for electrolysis myself but you know what has put a spanner in the works.

Northern Star Girl:
Dear Holly:
I am so glad to see that you have started your very own thread that is all about YOU and your experiences !!!
Consider this your personal journal that you can share with your readers and followers here on the Forums.

I am very happy to read that you are now documenting your official transition journey with your very own personal Blog/Journal.
Yes indeed, I and the rest of your new followers to your thread here will want to see you post updates and even a few photos but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

In addition to having several ongoing threads here I also keep and "old-school" pen&paper journal at home for my eyes only.  I include lots of venting and thoughts that I have and also include some colorful doodling and an occasional snap shot photo or two.  On a cold and rainy night in front of my fireplace I can find myself in my comfy chair reading my journal for hours, sometimes with tears of joy in my eyes and sometimes with tears of unhappiness. 
Your journals will be a very good form of therapy for yourself.   Keep them updated.

Having you own journal thread here on the forums is very good therapy that allows you to not only safely vent about you disappointments and failures but also about your successes and your good experiences.

When you post good news, we are here to rejoice and be happy with you and when you report not-so-good news, we are here to listen and to lend our shoulder for you to lean on.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for your success and happiness.

Again, thank you for starting your very own thread, I will be eagerly looking for your updates as you feel so led to share them with us.

HUGS and best wishes,

Thanks, your support means everything!

My work comp case from hell has been dragging on for 4 years now. At least I’m making progress albeit slow progress. Had rotator cuff surgery last year and wrist surgery 5 weeks ago. The wrist is recovering nicely. Hopefully wrist and back physical therapy will be completed by the end of the year. Did have some good news, I don’t need surgery on my other wrist and shoulder. Just some PT and I’m good to go. So maybe the end is in sight.....

E has caused my triglycerides to sky rocket, whatever the heck they are. So I’m on some more pills to get it under control. Have to or no more E increases. Talk about motivation to exercise and change diet, lol. Well one out of two anyways. Is this a common thing from E? Next blood tests and endo appointment is at the end of December.

Had my hair dyed blue. Been wearing it like that for about 4 years now. I figure if it makes one person besides me smile then it is worth it. The downside is for about a week or three my fingers and everything else I touch has a blue twinge to it. Had a 5 year old girl run up to me in the grocery store and exclaim “I love your blue hair! How do I get blue hair?” I told her I ate too many blueberries. So she took off running back to her mom and  and said “Mom Mom we have to go buy some blueberries!” Adorable !


Congratulations on starting your new blog Holly!  I found mine really helpful in just putting my thoughts to words- it's a big jump in self acceptance when you put things in your mind out there for someone else!  Family was my big worry as well- and my close family has been, if not supportive, at least dealing with my revelations- which is something to start with.  Good luck as you continue your journey!

I'm picturing Violet Beauregarde from the Willy Wonka movie when you talked of the little girl being excited your blue hair and begging her mom to get blueberries to eat!  :)  Hopefully she'll get her blue hair without turning into one herself!




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