Topic: Holly's Hopes

[SoCal_Holly]

I guess it is time to start a blog on my journey. It is somewhat cathartic to begin documenting everything. Another step in making this real, I guess. I'm not certain I have fully wrapped my mind around being MTF transgender and transitioning. It's almost like I'm watching a movie and this is happening to someone else....

Of course this all started very early in life. Wishing to be a girl like my sisters. Dressing in private etc... Thought it was just a phase or something. Didn't understand nor had the vocabulary to articulate these feelings back in the day. Repression. Depression. Time went by. Tried to forget, ignore, fit in. Binged purged several times. Got married had a great life, career and wonderful son. After getting divorced I have been slowly slipping down the path towards transition over a long long time. Somewhat consciously, somewhat unconsciously. Something was just off.

Tried testosterone didn't make me feel better nor helped with depression like it should have. So I just stopped. Began reading more and more about being transgender and transitioning. Well more than that reading became research into how to. Started dressing more androgynously, perfume, shaved legs/body hair, grew my hair out, then nail polish, carrying a purse bag. Hmmm then started of finasteride. After another year or so I decided to seek out a therapist to work things out. Asked my PCP, who I really like but has zero transgender medicine knowledge, for a therapist referral for depression. Well that's not quite true, I wanted to get a diagnosis letter so I could start HRT. The first person I came out to was over the phone asking the local LGBTQ organization for a therapist referral. It was a shock to say the least to hear myself saying this out loud. I live in a very liberal IC State so a letter was not strictly required. I wanted to clarify my transgender feelings and I thought it would grease the skids for HRT. I guess I must have passed the muster with the therapist. After several sessions I think the magic words to her were I'm at the point where I just really don't give a <poo> what people think about this, it is something I need to do. Even with IC, it greatly helped with the endocrinologist (and insurance company) to have a therapist letter. He used it for diagnosis and treatment justification, F64.9 (just found that out!). Just made his life and mine tons easier with a letter. Within the first week, I knew E was right for me. My depression disappeared. I felt alive for the first time in a long while. Started facial hair electrolysis, working through the insurance process and State to get this covered. The insurance company will cover laser hair removal but not electrolysis or more accurately a dermatologist not a licensed electrolysis technician. Dermatologists don't provide electrolysis services only laser which is non-permanent for facial hair removal. So the fight continues..... I'm fairly confident my appeal for covered services will ultimately prevail. But I'm continuing with electrolysis regardless.

So here I am. Well the short version anyhow. Started down the path. Uncertain where this will all lead. I've decided I'll know what to do when I get to each point in this journey. Still presenting male probably will continue to do so until at least facial hair is completely gone or physical changes necessitate. Besides, I need to lose weight, lol. And could use the time to assemble a better wardrobe, voice, etc... I'm not out to anyone. Don't feel the need or desire to yet. Will discuss if someone asks, no one has so far. Guessing when I get my ears pierced and semi-permanent make-up it will be time. I'm not working so no issues on that front. Even if I do go back to working, no worries. I am not concerned about reactions from friends, family on the other hand.........

[davina61]

As you say  family , mine was great apart from the ex. Kids taken aback but have all come round when they see it is still me (not sure what they expected) and going full time was the very best. Good luck with every thing , still waiting for electrolysis myself but you know what has put a spanner in the works.

[Northern Star Girl]

@SoCal_Holly
Dear Holly:
I am so glad to see that you have started your very own thread that is all about YOU and your experiences !!!
Consider this your personal journal that you can share with your readers and followers here on the Forums.

I am very happy to read that you are now documenting your official transition journey with your very own personal Blog/Journal.
Yes indeed, I and the rest of your new followers to your thread here will want to see you post updates and even a few photos but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

In addition to having several ongoing threads here I also keep and "old-school" pen&paper journal at home for my eyes only.  I include lots of venting and thoughts that I have and also include some colorful doodling and an occasional snap shot photo or two.  On a cold and rainy night in front of my fireplace I can find myself in my comfy chair reading my journal for hours, sometimes with tears of joy in my eyes and sometimes with tears of unhappiness. 
Your journals will be a very good form of therapy for yourself.   Keep them updated.

Having you own journal thread here on the forums is very good therapy that allows you to not only safely vent about you disappointments and failures but also about your successes and your good experiences.

When you post good news, we are here to rejoice and be happy with you and when you report not-so-good news, we are here to listen and to lend our shoulder for you to lean on.
We are your biggest fans and are always rooting for your success and happiness.

Again, thank you for starting your very own thread, I will be eagerly looking for your updates as you feel so led to share them with us.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

[SoCal_Holly]

Thanks, your support means everything!

My work comp case from hell has been dragging on for 4 years now. At least I’m making progress albeit slow progress. Had rotator cuff surgery last year and wrist surgery 5 weeks ago. The wrist is recovering nicely. Hopefully wrist and back physical therapy will be completed by the end of the year. Did have some good news, I don’t need surgery on my other wrist and shoulder. Just some PT and I’m good to go. So maybe the end is in sight.....

E has caused my triglycerides to sky rocket, whatever the heck they are. So I’m on some more pills to get it under control. Have to or no more E increases. Talk about motivation to exercise and change diet, lol. Well one out of two anyways. Is this a common thing from E? Next blood tests and endo appointment is at the end of December.

Had my hair dyed blue. Been wearing it like that for about 4 years now. I figure if it makes one person besides me smile then it is worth it. The downside is for about a week or three my fingers and everything else I touch has a blue twinge to it. Had a 5 year old girl run up to me in the grocery store and exclaim “I love your blue hair! How do I get blue hair?” I told her I ate too many blueberries. So she took off running back to her mom and  and said “Mom Mom we have to go buy some blueberries!” Adorable !

[CaelaNotKayla]

@SoCal_Holly

Congratulations on starting your new blog Holly!  I found mine really helpful in just putting my thoughts to words- it's a big jump in self acceptance when you put things in your mind out there for someone else!  Family was my big worry as well- and my close family has been, if not supportive, at least dealing with my revelations- which is something to start with.  Good luck as you continue your journey!

I'm picturing Violet Beauregarde from the Willy Wonka movie when you talked of the little girl being excited your blue hair and begging her mom to get blueberries to eat!    Hopefully she'll get her blue hair without turning into one herself!

Hugs!

Caela

[SoCal_Holly]

Now that we are somewhat open for business again, I’ve fallen in the a very nice group of ladies. We have dinner every couple of weeks and it’s a lot of fun. It is so affirming to be accepted as part of their tribe ! Our last Patriot’s meeting we had a show n tell on survival items. I brought my favorite multi-tool.

Been struggling to change my diet. Very hard to undo years of craving bad foods, i.e., burgers and fries, lol. Trying to cut back on carbs and beef is way harder than I thought it would be. I love the carbs: white rice, potatoes, and corn. Rabbit food, ughhh. Well as my doctor says improvement not perfection.

At Walmart, I did find some women’s shorts that actually has pockets! Not deep but enough for a car key fob in one and and CC/chapstick in the other. Why do I feel like this is such a huge win lol?

During electrolysis, it is my neck which hurts the most. After awhile the repeated hits cause a burning and stinging sensation. I have been able to cut back to an hour every two weeks from 1.5-3 hours per week. I have found someone who can provide numbing injections so maybe I’ll try it next time.

[Jane.Shannon]

Holly,

Congrats on starting your blog.  Personally, I really enjoy capturing my thoughts and feelings at the moment.  In many ways, I keep my blog with hopes that people enjoy it and it helps someone else, but I also very much keep it for me.

Changing diet is SO very hard!  I do find trying to change too many things at once is overwhelming.  You might try focusing on one or two things instead of everything all it once.  (Unless you doctor said otherwise).

Take care,
Jane

[SoCal_Holly]

I’ve really been making an effort on diet to get my triglycerides and blood sugar back to normal. My endo won’t increase my E dose until then so I’m highly motivated ! It’s funny all these years of being told the same things by my PCP (that I didn’t listen too, lol). Now I have a doc that has significant leverage over me to change.....

Been getting a lot of emphatic sirs recently. It’s not misgendering per se because I’m still presenting mostly male but more along the lines of them wanting to sound confident in the salutation. I won’t care until when or if I start presenting female full-time.

I’m mostly known as the person with blue hair over anything else. I think the blue hair blinds most people of the other changes going on with me lol.

[SoCal_Holly]

Had a great day today! Without thinking I opened the doctor’s office door and pumped gas with my right hand. It’s been years since I have been able to do things right handed without wrist and shoulder pain. Time to start golfing again.

IDK am I weird for not feeling angst fretting or anxiety while going through transition?! E has certainly mellowed me out emotionally but I’m not freaked out regardless. I’m very concerned about all the hurdles I still face but I’m confident I’ll know what to do whenever crises arrive. Worse case, I can always hit pause if I have to.

Just wondering....

[SoCal_Holly]

I’m totally starting to get women with body image issues. I always thought that was silly. But now when clothes shopping nothing seems to be in the right sizes ! Arghhhh ! I’m 5’7” ish and over weight to be sure but I see plenty of CiS women who are a lot larger than me. I don’t get why everything is made for a super model, lol. Us plus size gals need some fashion love too ! And who invented and where did the term plus size even come from. Sounds derogatory to me. Always thought that. Now I can relate to body confidence issues some women have.

I guess I should have started a measurement baseline to go from. But I didn’t want to feel that type of pressure. Like oh am I on some artificial schedule or how do my changes measure up with everyone else. So I’ll take it as it comes. I believe even with slow changes I’ll know it when I see and feel it.

My breasts have been very sore and achy. I have been noticing slow breast growth. Sleeping on my side they can now touch. Though I think that is mostly side boob fat, lol. I use this silly test for measuring breast growth. I place my hand flat across the breasts. At first my palm laid flat across my chest. Now I can fit two fingers in between the gap of my palm and chest. And under boob sweat is a thing ! Still not enough to justify wearing a bra. That’ll be the day.

[CaelaNotKayla]

@SoCal_Holly

Holly-

I look at it as making the scavenger hunt of shopping more exciting.  There are shops that have cute stuff for girls our size- in fact I've seen some really cute stuff that was too LARGE for me!  It also means I get to cover more of the mall looking for the diamonds in the rough.  Plus size doesn't have to mean baggy!

Hugs!

Caela

[SoCal_Holly]

Caela, that’s a great idea! Been mostly shopping online because I’m not out out presenting yet.

Actually the online shopping makes it all the more frustrating because you would think they would have all sizes but nooooooo. Lol

[SoCal_Holly]

After taking a blogging break over the holidays time for an update.

My E dose was increased at the end of December. I’m now double my initial E dose and at the low end of a full transition dose. Feeling great on the increased E dose. The pace of physical changes and mental adjustments feels to be right for me.

In the holiday pictures, I have noticeable breast development. So far no one has said anything to me. It is kind of amusing to me. Wondering if they don’t notice or are just waiting for me to initiate a conversation about things. Moobs from being overweight and medication side effects are definitely a plausible explanation so maybe I’m not showing as much as I think I am. Lol

Skin is way softer. Fat redistribution is definitely happening. My thighs and butt have expanded. My pants are getting tight. I must lose a ton of weight especially in the waist ASAP or I’m going to be in a weird space where neither male or female clothes fit right. Also, seems like the rib cage fat on the sides and directly below my breasts has decreased.

Never had much body hair. My arm pit and pubic area hair growth is way slower and thinner. I think my leg hair has greatly reduced. My body order has changes. Definitely need to start laser on my legs.

I think I have lost some upper body strength. I do notice my cardio stamina is way down.

Facial hair removal via electrolysis is ongoing. Ugh what a slooooow process. Did get some numbing cream that is tattoo parlor strength and talked my doctor into a Vicodin prescription. For the most part I tolerate the pain very well. Upper lip no problem. But it hurts real bad on my neck. Go figure. I have a doctor who gives me lidocaine injections in my neck if I ask for it before electrolysis which completely numbs me.

Under the heading of TMI, lol, have mostly switched to female orgasms. Just having clear discharge now.

Most days I’m dressed in women’s shorts, women’s pink Nikes (which are way cool) and a t shirt. The joys of living in Southern California! Raining today but last week it was 86 F. Carrying my mini backpack. Clear nail polish. My blue hair has front bangs and the rest is in a ponytail with a butterfly clamp. And a bracelet. Don’t wear a sports bra except in the privacy of home. Don’t know why but feel uncomfortable wearing one out while my facial hair hasn’t been completely eliminated. (And until I lose weight and have a more positive body image!).

Speaking of mini backpack, I got it because well no pockets and I got stuff to carry. I really don’t want to carry around a ton of stuff but over time it is really getting jammed packed. iPad mini, iPhone, wallet, glasses, keys, chap stick, meds, pen, multi-tool, nail file, and more. Been finding there is all kinds of stuff a girl just can’t do without, lol

Wearing dark glasses and a Covid mask, I have been getting ma’am’ed a lot recently. Well until I start talking, lol.

Started practicing voice when driving to PT. Going to take tons of work to find my voice. Been working on walk and mannerism. I think it is becoming more natural as I feel more feminine.

Progress is slow but steady. I’m still in the stage of taking things as they come but I can see the day rapidly approaching when the changes will be coming faster and irrevocable. I guess I am getting slightly nervous about that because it will be a point of no return and total commitment. I know it seems strange to talk about a point of no return and total commitment when I’m on HRT and have been working on everything. It’s just a scary thought being out out to everyone. Need a major boost of self confidence.

[RandyL]

Hi Holly, it sounds like you're making great progress. Congratulations on being gendered female more and more! I seem to be a ways from that yet.

Voice is definitely something to work on, which I am also doing. All these things take time.

I hope your self confidence naturally develops as you continue presenting as yourself.

[SoCal_Holly]

@RandyL

Thanks for the encouragement!

[SoCal_Holly]

I’m feeling way better going through PT three times a week. Tuesday’s and Thursday left shoulder and Wednesday neck and back. As my body recovers from the various injuries and surgeries, my neck and back pain is way worse. I think it is because I can do more things and I notice the pain there because I hurt less everywhere else.

Had the first of two neck/back injections today. Been having terrible pinched nerves with shooting pain from my armpit to the hand. PT has helped some loosen everything up and with flexibility but not enough. Second injection in two weeks. Hopeful relief is on the way! Starting acupuncture in two weeks after my shoulder PT stops. Not sure I’m a believer but it can’t hurt right?

Hurricane force winds here today. Blew trash cans and everything else not tied down all over the yard. Leaking roof, argghhhh. Buckets in a few places just like in the movies. Huge mess, I’ll have to clean up tomorrow, just no heavy lifting.

I have noticed more people smiling at me and engaging in small talk. I guess it’s because I am smiling more and being happy. It must be true the universe is a reflection on you!

It’s awesome to feel part of the local community. It’s great knowing everyone here (well not everyone but a lot if you know what I mean). No judgements or anything just accepting everyone for who and what they are. I’m thankful everyday, for being here in the OC. As we come out of Covid lockdowns people realize we all need each other more than ever.

[SoCal_Holly]

Ow, headaches and neck pain increasing. Hope this clears by tomorrow or so.....

[davina61]

Gentle HUGS it does, my left foot playing up again. Its when I take the load of it with a sharp pain in centre of foot so feeling for you.

[SoCal_Holly]

@Davina

The worst is over, thank goodness! Hope you are feeling better too.

It sucks to get old. A friend’s definition of old age is when you go to bed at night and wake up with an injury! Lol have to agree with it.

[davina61]

About right!!