Topic: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'

[TSL_NB]

Just to forewarn in advance, I'm not going to be on top of this blog as much as I would like.

But, I thought today was a fitting day to start it.   After some complications here in my province (NB, if anyone hasn't guessed yet), my GP here is actually working alongside my VA clinic which is on the US side of the border, and I'm now on Day-1 of Estradiol (transdermal).

We're also having to sort out our current living situation, divorce, co-parenting, etc.   But, I now know even more, that I'm in it for the long haul, and I am going to continue to be the best parent to my five wonderful kids, best friend to my wife (even amid the divorce), and, really, the best I've ever been in my life, as far as my own self goes.     

I love my wife and my kids very much....I never wanted to put them through this.  But, had I not finally accepted myself, the results would have been much worse, as I would not have been alive today to be here for them now, even if it is in a different capacity.


Anyhow, there's my first blog post!   

[CaelaNotKayla]

@TSL_NB

Congratulations on starting HRT AND congratulations on starting your new blog!  Our paths bring us a lot of change in our lives, and I've found writing about mine to be cathartic and empowering!  Good luck with two big steps on your journey!

Hugs!

Caela

[SarahEL]

Congratulations on your first blog post.. I am hooked already!! cannot wait to follow your journey...

[Northern Star Girl]

@TSL_NB
Dear TSL_NB:
As you might already know if you have read many of my postings and comments around the Forums I always make the suggestion to members that keeping a journal is good therapy.   Not only with our own journal/Blog threads but also I always recommend keeping a more private and personal "old-school" Pen&Paper journal at home.   

I keep personal journal at my home which is full of colorful doodling, sometimes illegible and hurried writing, snapshot photos, notes about doctors appointments, my romantic endeavors, my coming out trials and tribulations, and other writings about those that I am friends with, those that accept me, those that do not accept me, and my issues with my non-accepting parents and family, etc, etc.
 
I find that it is definitely very good personal therapy to write out my feelings and venting...  and ponder my situations in my journal.  Just writing out these things can help me to sort out my priorities and to find ways to help positively solve my issues.

I am so very glad to see that you have now started your own BLOG/journal here on the Forums.
When you report good news we will all rejoice with you and be happy for you... and when you write not-so-good news we will lend you our ears to listen and our shoulders for you to lean on.   We are your biggest fans and we are always rooting for your success and happiness.

My "at home" home journals (I have several now) are not in any kind of a fancy book and not with a clever cover...  mine are rather plain 3 ring notebooks that allows for adding pages and inserting lots of notes and scribbles and some  photos too.   
Whatever works for you is important, after-all it is YOUR JOURNAL to do with what you want.

I often find myself leafing through some of the past entrees of my BLOG/journal postings here on the Forums and my personal journals that I keep at home and will sit and read it for hours on a cold rainy night sitting in my comfy chair sometimes with a smile and laughter, sometimes with satisfaction with my decisions,  and sometimes with tears in my eyes.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts....  I will be eagerly following your postings.
Hugs and best wishes to you....
Danielle

[TSL_NB]

Wow....@Caela, @Sarah, @Danielle....thank you so much!

That's really kind and encouraging.

So, I guess this is the next entry.

I've only been on this 24 hours now, and I think I had my first official hot flash (which actually woke me up overnight).

But, I have to say, I haven't washed so many dishes, and cleaned up so many messes with this much vigour and energy.

Pretty much, my daily routine begins with getting up, having what some would consider to be a horrific morning beverage (black tea with instant coffee added, but I swear by it), then after that, it's getting the younger kids' lunches together, and their breakfast, and getting them out the door.

After that, I'm off to my day job (working remotely is something I've already been doing for five years now, so the COVID impact really didn't change much in that regard).  But, I can already feel a difference in how I am reacting to things, how I am handling things, etc.

And, speaking of which, my work day has finished, so we now have to go and make sure the kids eat, and then it's off to their skating lessons. 

All things considered, my wife and I are doing well parenting together, even if we're not a 'couple,' per se.  And, I'm glad just to have her in my life in any capacity.

[TSL_NB]

So, this will be another short entry, as I have to both work and do some housekeeping.

It's now Day-4 on HRT, and one item that I'd like to share, is the profound impact of a simple word having multiple meanings in regards to the changes I am feeling.


We'll take this simple term:  'Ahhh....'

In one sweep, I have experienced this term in two extremes (my apologies if this is a little rude).


Starting with:   'Ahh....I feel very tranquil, a true sense of inner peace...'
Which, in five minutes, transformed into:  'AHH!  My mammary glands are on FIRE!!!!'

Sorry, I felt that sway was too funny not to share.

[TSL_NB]

Sooo.....it's now Day-5 on the patch.

Saturdays usually consist of getting all of the kids together for lunch/afternoon time with me, my wife, and her ex-husband (out of my five kids, the first three are my step-daughters, so this is the older three kids' dad, but I have a really good relationship with that side of the family as well).

It seems like my skin has already become softer, and evidence of this was when I had to engage in my daily shaving routine.

It's already pretty brutal, but now, it is just plain AWFUL.  I'm bleeding a lot more, and where I am not bleeding, I have to be a lot gentler, which ends up taking a lot longer.

Hopefully, once we have the whole living situation sorted, I can resume the laser hair removal sessions.

But, during the Saturday family visits, I use that opportunity to nip out, run some errands, and enjoy some mostly solo time.   One of the things I'm finding out, is that I actually do have this extroverted drive that was mostly hidden in me.  I'm really enjoying the outings, whereas before, it just felt like a burden.

And, please excuse the lousy image quality.   I don't have a cell phone, or a decent camera, so I have to render my PC webcam and VLC media player for image captures (so, these photos will look almost 20 years old, but they actually were just taken today).

But for the first time here, I feel confident enough to not cover my face in a picture posted here. (no makeup, though...I'm still out of practice with that).

[CaelaNotKayla]

@TSL_NB

Congratulations on your growing confidence- you look beautiful in your pictures!  I know what you mean about shaving- I gave up on shaving anywhere but in a tub full of hot water, plenty of bubble bath, and lavender bath salts!  I don't notice the time I take shaving because it's soooo relaxing!!

Big Hugs!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

@TSL_NB

Congratulations on your growing confidence- you look beautiful in your pictures!  I know what you mean about shaving- I gave up on shaving anywhere but in a tub full of hot water, plenty of bubble bath, and lavender bath salts!  I don't notice the time I take shaving because it's soooo relaxing!!

Big Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela.   I'm definitely not in your league, but I feel better about myself today more than I did yesterday.

Since I'm on these patches, I worry about prolonged exposure to hot water (although, that would definitely be my first choice, too!).

[TSL_NB]

So, yesterday marked one full week on the patch.

I'm liking the way my skin is looking overall (EXCEPT, for when I have to shave everything, that's just going to be a horror episode each time....I'm trying to do it twice a day now, as that makes it easier, but between work, home, kids, well....we'll see how this goes).

Yesterday was also the first day I really, REALLY began to feel it in my breasts.  It's like my top has turned into a low-burning Coleman's camping stove, and it's really hyper-sensitive.

I was also reading about how estradiol affects the emotional response, and that is so true.   My wife had made a comment about my transition, and it wasn't meant to be negative, just honest, which I will always appreciate.

Normally, I would have just had a reserved response, and just let the discontentment simmer, but this time around, it just all came out like an emotional tsunami, and I couldn't stop crying for quite a while (she stayed by me, while I went through this, and I'm very thankful for that).

But, I'm so glad to be finally able to feel this.  I wasn't previously incapable of crying, but it was really hard, where there were these walls of anger.  Being able to emotionally release like this, it makes a huge difference, where it is just free and unrestricted.


 

[Northern Star Girl]

@TSL_NB
Thank you for posting and sharing your update.  It is just about a certainty that hormones will help to mold your body and your mind.

Any changes that you experience will of course be your own unique experiences that are dependent on your HRT regimen, your body makeup, and your own unique genes.   
Some may experience subtle changes more slowly and others may experience more dramatic changes more quickly.

A phrase we use here on the forums is "Your Mileage May Vary" (YMMV)  ....   patience is definitely required because in this day and age of "I want it all, and I want it now" it is important to realize that things do not always happen that quickly with HRT.   
Again, patience is required but changes will happen as your genes and body allow.

Thank you for posting and keeping me and the rest of your followers updated.

HUGS and best wishes,
Danielle

[CaelaNotKayla]

So, yesterday marked one full week on the patch.

I'm liking the way my skin is looking overall (EXCEPT, for when I have to shave everything, that's just going to be a horror episode each time....I'm trying to do it twice a day now, as that makes it easier, but between work, home, kids, well....we'll see how this goes).

Yesterday was also the first day I really, REALLY began to feel it in my breasts.  It's like my top has turned into a low-burning Coleman's camping stove, and it's really hyper-sensitive.

I was also reading about how estradiol affects the emotional response, and that is so true.   My wife had made a comment about my transition, and it wasn't meant to be negative, just honest, which I will always appreciate.

Normally, I would have just had a reserved response, and just let the discontentment simmer, but this time around, it just all came out like an emotional tsunami, and I couldn't stop crying for quite a while (she stayed by me, while I went through this, and I'm very thankful for that).

But, I'm so glad to be finally able to feel this.  I wasn't previously incapable of crying, but it was really hard, where there were these walls of anger.  Being able to emotionally release like this, it makes a huge difference, where it is just free and unrestricted.

@TSL_NB

Being able to accept our emotions and just let them out is huge.  I know I'd be an even worse wreck if I didn't cry and let it out- or accept the times when I'm happy.  Know that my thoughts are with you as well.

Hugs!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

@TSL_NB

Being able to accept our emotions and just let them out is huge.  I know I'd be an even worse wreck if I didn't cry and let it out- or accept the times when I'm happy.  Know that my thoughts are with you as well.

Hugs!

Caela

@Caela, thanks so much!  It's good to feel, and really, feel, after all these years.

@Danielle, the 'MILEAGE MAY VARY' is absolutely true (and, for anyone else reading this, if you have to take the HRT path, everyone's experiences will be absolutely unique.  There may be some parallels, but no two people will come out the same way...that's my feelings on it so far.   I just want to share my own experiences as they come, in hopes it does help others, even if just a little bit).

[TSL_NB]

And, now, it's Day-12.

I had experienced a minor setback - with my first set of patches, two of them failed to stay on very well, and just fell off after a day (and, I have been very careful with them).

So, my pharmacy ordered the slightly more expensive brand, and it made a world of difference.  The first set I had, those patches were almost 2 inches wide, and the adhesive was good on the first and second ones, but the subsequent two were, well, frankly, rubbish. 

Anyhow, the Estradot brand ones I have now, so far no problems, and the patch is half the size, but the same dosage, so I'm pretty pleased so far (I miss the long hot showers, though).

I've experienced some more of the moodiness they also talk about.  Earlier today, I started out with this overwhelming need to hug and be hugged.

Then, about an hour later, one of the cats jumped on my lap, and I just had this really grumpy reaction, where I felt myself slowly utter:    'Cat...you...get...off...me...NOW!'

Of course, the cat didn't listen very well.  They never do.
But, they get the message when I just get up and walk off.

(The cat's fine, don't worry.     )

Otherwise, one thing I am noticing, is that my hips looking to be changing, albeit slight.  That's actually really nice.  It's good to have hips, I never really had them before.

 

[CaelaNotKayla]

@TSL_NB

Sending you a big Hug! Good to hear the new patches are working out for you! 

Hugs!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

@TSL_NB

Sending you a big Hug! Good to hear the new patches are working out for you! 

Hugs!

Caela

@Caela  Thanks again...you're awesome!

So far, so good with the Estradot ones.  I'm hoping that maybe, I can eventually move to either injections, or one of those pellet implants (I wonder if anyone here has had any experience with those).

[TSL_NB]

My apologies....there's been a lot going on at this end, and I really haven't had the opportunity to update anything, but here goes.

It's now Day-17, almost three full weeks on the patch.  My mood and emotional swings have been, well, random, to say the least.   I've also had to carry a heavier load of having to look after all of the kids more, as the three older girls' dad went into the hospital with double pneumonia (the three older girls are my stepkids).

He's already suffered from an advanced form of Parkinsons for the past several years, so with this added, we're really having to keep a close watch on him.   

A lot of people are surprised how well we get along, but that side of the family is my family too, even if it doesn't have a textbook definition.  And, I've come out to them as well, and they accept me.  I'm really fortunate in that regard.

Beyond that, I've dealt with another round of the whole 'Coleman stove' effect in my upper area.   And, for the first time, I tried flexing my pectoral muscles, and can discern that, well, there's now more there than just muscle....that's exciting.

It seems really fast, though...it hasn't even been three weeks, and this is already starting?

[CaelaNotKayla]

@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know how trying that can be- my father-in-law has Alzheimers, and it's a handful for me and my mother-in-law.  And yes- even though my wife is no longer with us they're still family to me (and I've come out to them both, and haven't been chased out of their house with pitchforks and torches).  I see you being strong for all your loved ones, even with the ups and downs of your changing hormones- my thoughts are with you!

Hugs!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

@TSL_NB

Hugs dear!  I know how trying that can be- my father-in-law has Alzheimers, and it's a handful for me and my mother-in-law.  And yes- even though my wife is no longer with us they're still family to me (and I've come out to them both, and haven't been chased out of their house with pitchforks and torches).  I see you being strong for all your loved ones, even with the ups and downs of your changing hormones- my thoughts are with you!

Hugs!

Caela

Thanks, Caela!  Mine are with you too! (You are a shining example of strength)

It's a bit better today; he's getting discharged, and will be back home, and things should be back to their usual craziness.

[CaelaNotKayla]

Thanks, Caela!  Mine are with you too! (You are a shining example of strength)

It's a bit better today; he's getting discharged, and will be back home, and things should be back to their usual craziness.

@TSL_NB

That's good news!  I always feel better when the people I care about are where I can see and take are of them!   (and thanks dear- I have my ups and downs too, and if I'm an example for anyone it's because of my friends here! )

Hugs!!

Caela