Topic: The Solitary Lodger (TSL_NB), and 46 years of 'Backwards Menopause.'

[TSL_NB]

So, another late night, and as usual, I'm completely bushed.

It's been three and a half months on estradiol now.  My upper area certainly isn't looking like Jayne Mansfield's, but they're there.  They remind me they are now part of me, quite often these days.

I still continue my counseling sessions, and I've been presented with a great opportunity to speak to a support group via one of their virtual meetings (maybe PFLAG-affiliated, I'm not sure yet) which consists of parents of trans children and adolescents.   I think I may have some insight to share, particularly as I am a parent who herself came out.

The Skype calls with my lady-friend in the US have been going very well.....it's really nice.

I even got a little ambitious, and made myself look a little nicer for the most recent call (I'm usually in 'hockey mom' mode most of the time....it's nice to look nice!).




-Vivian (TSL_NB)

[CaelaNotKayla]

So, another late night, and as usual, I'm completely bushed.

It's been three and a half months on estradiol now.  My upper area certainly isn't looking like Jayne Mansfield's, but they're there.  They remind me they are now part of me, quite often these days.

I still continue my counseling sessions, and I've been presented with a great opportunity to speak to a support group via one of their virtual meetings (maybe PFLAG-affiliated, I'm not sure yet) which consists of parents of trans children and adolescents.   I think I may have some insight to share, particularly as I am a parent who herself came out.

The Skype calls with my lady-friend in the US have been going very well.....it's really nice.

I even got a little ambitious, and made myself look a little nicer for the most recent call (I'm usually in 'hockey mom' mode most of the time....it's nice to look nice!).




-Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

Your pictures are completely stunning, and I sure hope that your lady-friend was very appreciative!  You go girl!!!

Sis you will have quite a bit of insight to share with your group... let us all know how it goes... I know that you will share the things that are closest to your heart, which will resonate greatly with parents of transgender children trying to find their own way to support their kids.

Big Hugs sis!  I hope you know that you are a wonderful incredible person!!

Hugs!!

Caela.

[TSL_NB]

Vivian-

Your pictures are completely stunning, and I sure hope that your lady-friend was very appreciative!  You go girl!!!

Sis you will have quite a bit of insight to share with your group... let us all know how it goes... I know that you will share the things that are closest to your heart, which will resonate greatly with parents of transgender children trying to find their own way to support their kids.

Big Hugs sis!  I hope you know that you are a wonderful incredible person!!

Hugs!!

Caela.

Hey Caela,

Thanks sis!   I'm actually starting to feel stunning, too, and that's awesome!

I really do hope I will have this opportunity to talk to the parents.   I'll definitely keep posted on that.
Hugs back!  You're a very wonderful and incredible person, too!
-Vivian

[TSL_NB]

Hi, everyone. Yet another abridged update, but here goes....

My shoulder has been giving me considerable pain for the past two days, and I have no idea why.

But, I'm taking Caela's good advice, and booked an hour at the same spa I went to in December.   
My kids are adjusting more and more to seeing me become more complete....that's really wonderful.

The Skype calls are going...well, really good.  Now, it's just a matter of the whole COVID/travel problem.  Arrgh!
-Vivian (TSL_NB)

[TSL_NB]

Hi, so yet another abridged update, but here goes -

The time between myself and Holly (that's her name, by the way) has been really wonderful.   It's given me a big boost of self-confidence I haven't previously experienced. 

Amid that, I finally felt inspired to make my presence known on Facebook again.  I had all but abandoned my account, as my dysphoria really inhibited me at a lot of layers.   But, I outed myself there today.....and, the response has been wonderful.

After years of not posting or actively participating, save for an occasional response here and there, this is what I wrote today:

So.....I'm not quite sure how to start this, but here goes.

For the past few years, I all but vanished here on Facebook.  There has been what I would consider a very valid reason, and some of you already know, and are okay with it.  And, I'm very thankful and blessed.

I feel it's time to open up about it all a bit more.


As some of you already know, ***** and I are separated. 
She is an absolutely amazing person, and an amazing friend, and a wonderful mother to five amazing girls.   Anyone who knows her is truly privileged to have her as part of their life.

I have deeply, and to a degree, subconsciously struggled for over forty years with who and what I am.   I tried to sublimate it as best as I could, and this led to some considerable dysfunction and malfunction, both in my early years, and later in adult life.   

I tried to run away from it, deny it, even destroy it.  But how do we run away from ourselves? 

I had emotionally tried to bury myself, deny myself, for what has been the overwhelming majority of the time I have been on this earth.  The support systems that our younger generation are so fortunate to have in place, they simply didn't exist as they do now.  And, it was not well-understood.   I became very self-aware of that at a very early age, and knew that if I opened up more, it wasn't going to go well. 


Now, this wasn't due to my parents; they are amazing, and I'm thankful for them - but in the society where I grew up, this wasn't safe.  Safe spaces didn't really exist.

So, my internally hiding and self-suppression eventually calcified, and I really became more of this spiritual automaton, rather than the complete and happy person I needed to be...which we all need to be, for ourselves, and for each other. 

***** was, and is an absolutely wonderful inspiration for me to open up, be free, and look inward and embrace my inner self, and be complete. 

I tried looking inward and working on my inner self, but in a capacity where I was still unable to TRULY face myself and honestly, that didn't go very well.  I fell back to my previous defence, which was to remain locked up, which didn't benefit anyone, really. 

My hiding almost killed me, more than once in my life, and three years ago, it nearly did again.   I couldn't run any more.  I could no longer build stone walls around myself.

I'm female.

I always have been.  In the past, it wasn't safe for me to be open about it, but what I now know, is that not accepting myself would eventually have yielded a much worse result.

Going forward, ***** and I are going to continue to raise the kids cooperatively, via our respective homes.   And, it's not going to be utopian by any means, but now, for the first time in my life, ***** and the kids, and everyone for that matter, can now have me in their lives; the complete, healthy, happy person that I really am. 
I will still have emotionally clumsy and difficult moments, but I'm handling it better.

Loving others without loving yourself is possible, but it's a pretty lousy experience for everyone, and I caused that, even though it wasn't intentional.  But, when we can include ourselves in that sphere of love, it becomes quite easy.  It doesn't feel like a burden, but a sense of lightness and ease.  This is how love should be shared, and I'm thankful to finally be able to do that. 

I'm also very open about my journey, my struggle, and my coming out as transgender, in hopes that it does help others.   This is also why I'm keeping this same Facebook account, as I'm not disowning myself.  I've already tried that for the majority of my life, and that didn't work. 


But, I'm now complete.  I'm now feeling like myself, for the first time in my life.   And, I want to share my journey with you.

A lot of folks here have known me for a number of years, but when we think about it, you never have really met me.

So, I'll start with this:

Hi.

I'm Vivian.


It's very nice to meet you.

I also added this screencap from a call with my parents on Skype last night as part of my FB post.  These are my two youngest daughters with me.  I have five absolutely wonderful kids.


V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)

[RandiL]

Vivian, I'm so glad you were able to come out to your wider circle and that you've received good responses. And your daughters are so cute. You are very lucky to have them in your life, and they are very lucky to have you.
Randy

[TSL_NB]

Vivian, I'm so glad you were able to come out to your wider circle and that you've received good responses. And your daughters are so cute. You are very lucky to have them in your life, and they are very lucky to have you.
Randy

Hey, Randy....thanks, sis!   It's been absolutely wonderful, I'm still a bit speechless.

I'm very, very blessed to have my kids, and they have an amazing mom, too.   
I'm feeling very hopeful for 2021.
-Vivian

[CaelaNotKayla]

Vivian-

That was an incredibly powerful post that you put on your Facebook page, and even better with the positive responses you've received from your FB friends.   And I really hope things keep going well between you and Holly!  You have a lot of things going well in your life.... and a lot of beautiful smiling kids to help support you through it!!

Hugs!!

Caela

[TSL_NB]

Vivian-

That was an incredibly powerful post that you put on your Facebook page, and even better with the positive responses you've received from your FB friends.   And I really hope things keep going well between you and Holly!  You have a lot of things going well in your life.... and a lot of beautiful smiling kids to help support you through it!!

Hugs!!

Caela

Caela - thank you, sis! 

I really, really am blessed - with awesome kids, an awesome person who I think actually likes me, and an awesome family...and that includes this family we have here, too!
-Vivian 

[TSL_NB]

So, as usual, the update will be abridged, but here goes -

The reaction to my Facebook outing has been wonderful....I'm still speechless thinking about it.

Holly and I have been continuing to chat.   She had to go into day surgery, so I suspect it will be more IM'ing than anything for the next day or two.   The COVID restrictions are now a little more frustrating than before, but I have to be patient, as well all must be.

But, I've now passed the 4-month mark since starting the estraidol.   I pulled a screenshot my Mom took of me from last night's Skype chat.

It's nice....I'm liking seeing myself now.  That's a nice feeling.


V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)

[CaelaNotKayla]

So, as usual, the update will be abridged, but here goes -

The reaction to my Facebook outing has been wonderful....I'm still speechless thinking about it.

Holly and I have been continuing to chat.   She had to go into day surgery, so I suspect it will be more IM'ing than anything for the next day or two.   The COVID restrictions are now a little more frustrating than before, but I have to be patient, as well all must be.

But, I've now passed the 4-month mark since starting the estraidol.   I pulled a screenshot my Mom took of me from last night's Skype chat.

It's nice....I'm liking seeing myself now.  That's a nice feeling.


V/R,
Vivian (TSL_NB)

Vivian-

Congratulations on 4 months!!  You are getting to a good place both for you and your budding relationship.  Being at comfort with yourself, and seeing the person you like, and loving yourself is key to sharing that love with another.  I hope everything goes well with Holly's surgery and you can get back to your chats.

Patience is a virtue that is sorely being tried in our Covid world... try not to get too frustrated with the restrictions.

Hugs Sis!!

Cae

[TSL_NB]

Vivian-

Congratulations on 4 months!!  You are getting to a good place both for you and your budding relationship.  Being at comfort with yourself, and seeing the person you like, and loving yourself is key to sharing that love with another.  I hope everything goes well with Holly's surgery and you can get back to your chats.

Patience is a virtue that is sorely being tried in our Covid world... try not to get too frustrated with the restrictions.

Hugs Sis!!

Cae

Hey Cae, thanks sis!

I'll use this as a quick update, too.  Holly got through it very nicely, and I can already see a difference,   
Going into this relationship is really awkward and clumsy, like walking for the first time.  But, it's so wonderful, just to be liked, with no judgment, just to be accepted at face value.   

like Cae said, the COVID restrictions are dragging out, but more than ever, patience and kindness are essential.
-Vivian

[RandiL]

Hey Vivian, I can't keep up with the activity on this site!

Your screenshot looks good, and gratifying that it came from your Mom.

I hope you and Holly can get together in person soon.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

[TSL_NB]

Hey Vivian, I can't keep up with the activity on this site!

Your screenshot looks good, and gratifying that it came from your Mom.

I hope you and Holly can get together in person soon.

Sent from my dual-floppy Victor 9000 using Tapatalk

Hey Randy...oh, tell me about it!  We're a very busy bunch here!
Thanks.   I've seen a few people talk about 'aging backwards' after starting HRT.  It's really feeling like that for me.
-Vivian

[CaelaNotKayla]

Hey Cae, thanks sis!

I'll use this as a quick update, too.  Holly got through it very nicely, and I can already see a difference,   
Going into this relationship is really awkward and clumsy, like walking for the first time.  But, it's so wonderful, just to be liked, with no judgment, just to be accepted at face value.   

like Cae said, the COVID restrictions are dragging out, but more than ever, patience and kindness are essential.
-Vivian

Sis-

Really glad that things went well for Holly's surgery!

I'm reading your comment about "walking for the first time", and that is very much an apt description..  Even though you may have had years with another- learning all the likes and pet peeves about your new someone is challenging and exciting and wonderful all at once!  I'm glad you found someone who accepts and cares about you!

Hugs!!

Cae

[TSL_NB]

Sis-

Really glad that things went well for Holly's surgery!

I'm reading your comment about "walking for the first time", and that is very much an apt description..  Even though you may have had years with another- learning all the likes and pet peeves about your new someone is challenging and exciting and wonderful all at once!  I'm glad you found someone who accepts and cares about you!

Hugs!!

Cae

Hey Cae....thanks so much, sis!  I'm so glad as well, and the surgery has really made a difference for her.

It's all clumsy, but it's really wonderful, too.  I'm just so thankful!
-Vivian

[Jane.Shannon]

Vivian,

I just read through your blog, and I both enjoyed and feel inspired by your story.  There are some similarities in our stories.  We are both veterans.  We both came out in our 40s.  We both have kids.  I really related to your thoughts on how coming out has changed for young folks.  I guess I "knew" some of the terms around being transgender, but I had basically no idea about transitioning and what it entailed.  Please, please keep sharing your story!

All the best,
Jane

[TSL_NB]

Vivian,

I just read through your blog, and I both enjoyed and feel inspired by your story.  There are some similarities in our stories.  We are both veterans.  We both came out in our 40s.  We both have kids.  I really related to your thoughts on how coming out has changed for young folks.  I guess I "knew" some of the terms around being transgender, but I had basically no idea about transitioning and what it entailed.  Please, please keep sharing your story!

All the best,
Jane

Hey Jane,

Thanks so much! And, thank you for your service as well. 

I'm sure you understand as well, but not only being active duty myself, I was also a dependent during the 80s.  Support on the bases were, well, a little 'behind the curve.'

Recent daily life makes formulating a post a little challenging, but I have some down time coming up, so I'll be playing a lot of catch-up here. 

I'll keep sharing, though, definitely!

V/R,
Vivian

[TSL_NB]

So, it will be abridged again, and I have to run out the door here in a few, but I just wanted to share what I can.

Skype has become a lifeline for me again.  I'm able to see Holly every day, and that has been wonderful...just wonderful.

Now, being effectively 100% out, daily life, aside from a very stressful work week, has been pretty easy, compared to what it used to be.

My ex and I are still getting along, but I'm seeing it more on her face.  She's really hurt.  I can't do anything, aside from be there, and help out as best as I can.  But, she's a really strong person.

Anyhow, we took the two youngest to a nearby waterfall, which was still mostly frozen, but she took a pic of me.  I'm really happy to finally see myself.

[Jane.Shannon]

I was half of a dual military couple for a long time.  I retired first in 2015, and I spent the last three and a half years as a dependent.  We spent those years here north of Seattle.  We are over an hour's drive from Ft Lewis, and only 20 minutes from Everett Naval Station.  So I have only been to Ft Lewis once, and the Naval Station dozens of time. 

I guess that is yet...one more thing we have in common!

Hey Jane,

I'm sure you understand as well, but not only being active duty myself, I was also a dependent during the 80s.  Support on the bases were, well, a little 'behind the curve.'