Community Conversation > Passing


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--- Quote from: Jessica_Rose on November 03, 2020, 12:31:51 pm ---I was 55 when I went full time as Jessica. When I started HRT nearly a year earlier, I was certain that I would 'make one ugly woman'. I am 6ft 1in and dropped my weight from 195lbs down to 168lbs. Even before FFS, I had strangers tell me that I am beautiful. Temper your expectations, and you may be surprised at what HRT can do.

As far as being a facsimile, how do you define being a girl, or a woman? Assuming you eventually have GCS, externally you will have all of the 'correct' parts. Some women are born without ovaries or a uterus, some have them removed due to medical issues. Many women have cosmetic surgery, such as breast augmentations, rhinoplasty, facelifts. Is a cis female no longer a female is she if not 100% OEM (original equipment manufacturer)? Just because my brother has two aftermarket shoulders and an aftermarket hip, does that mean he isn't my brother?

Being a woman (or a man) isn't an equation adding up a pile of parts, it's the summation of how you act, how think, and how you respond to your surroundings. Certainly the more boxes you can check off the easier it will be for others to respond to you as a woman, but ultimately don't we define ourselves -- or do we let others tell us who we are?

It does take a leap of faith to make the decision, not knowing for sure what will be on the other side. In my case, suppressing who I was slowly drove me deeper and deeper into darkness. I was ultimately left with two choices -- ending my life, or releasing my soul from darkness. I chose to live.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

--- End quote ---
This is correct, its more how you act that makes a woman, or as in my case, a man. 

I may not be able to grow a mustache (yet, I hope!), and my beard may be spotty, but I pass 100%.  I had to relearn how to move in a way that men tend to move, which meant I did a lot of manwatching when I first started transitioning.  I watched men in stores (pre-COVID), on TV, in movies, and IRL.  I changed the way I held my hands when I drove, when I gestured, the way I stand, even the way I sit.  I no longer hear my Mom's voice in my head saying "sit with your legs together, you're a lady" whenever I manspread.  (YAY!) 

I changed my actions much as I thought I could.  If there is anything I missed, I haven't realized it yet, or it hasn't been pointed out to me.  Sure, it was a pain re-learning how to move my body in a more masculine way at age 54, but it is do-able.

A lot of what people perceive as masculine or feminine is the way you move and carry yourself.  Its an easy thing to change, and a good thing to start doing, even pre-HRT.

Good luck sis!


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So, you have physical appearance and then you have frame of mind.  Yes, physical appearance is important to some, probably most, including me, and somewhat using Pammie's words, "to some/most" is key in my input here.  Your true acceptance of yourself as a woman regardless of physical appearances is a very important starting point and also, in my opinion, a very important foundation block to help keep the rest of your mental and emotional self shored up. 

I like to say that one needs to love themself as they are, complicated, in our general cases here, with all our good points and ugly warts.  The external medical procedures and HRT can help somewhat with the outside, but it is the inside strength and acceptance of one's self as a valid human being, to me, that is the most important.  Without that, one could have all the surgeries that money can by and still not be satisfied.  The worry about truly passing, that dreaded word to me, can be overpowering, and can even hold one back from enjoying the life that they deserve and is already available to them.

I have had my surgeries to help improve the outside, with one major one to go.  If I can't get that one, I know that I am strong enough to live "me" as I am today.  I am lucky in that I blend in well, plus, referring to what I said above, I love myself and am proud of who and what I am.  I am not perfect, will never truly pass, as in, relating with others face to face and "always" being thought of as a cis-woman.  Blending in allows me to pass face to face with others in some circumstances, but far from all.  I am OK with that because I like me and am not afraid no ashamed of my new identity and outward presentation, new to me and to those that knew me before.

For many it is not easy to get where I am mentally about being a trans woman, or trans man.  However, every step you can make in this direction can truly help you learn to love yourself more and to accept and enjoy that which you can attain, and help you to be able to push to the back of your mind out of sight of your day to day thinking about how well you physically fit in with the rest of the humans around you.  Being happy, proud, and fearless of being the true you will project out to those around you.  I see it everyday where my interactions and long deep conversations with others, and they are almost daily, are all concentrated to the topic at hand and not who I am nor how I present.  They know it and don't think about it in most of our interactions and conversations, and they still come back to me everyday for more. 

It can take a lot of work and, unfortunately time, to get to this point, but every effort you make toward this state of mind is a positive step and can bring you unexpected happy and comforting rewards.  Good luck and Godspeed.


big kim:
I don't pass. I'm 6'1 & 1/2", heavy built with a voice like Lemmy.I kind of blend in though and am accepted  on the whole. It's possible to look OK without passing, this was me a few weeks bedore my 63rd birthday. I don't wear make up or colour my hair.

Oh, 'Passing' again....
Well, the hardest person to pass to is yourself... If you can pass to yourself, also known as accepting yourself.. it really does not matter what others think of you...
Yes, it is hard to accept yourself (and I struggle with it) but IMHO it is the only way....

(&BTW @Kim... how do you not pass.. you look great!)


--- Quote from: SarahEL on November 03, 2020, 04:36:54 pm ---Well, the hardest person to pass to is yourself... If you can pass to yourself, also known as accepting yourself..

--- End quote ---

You are so sweet, thank you for this. Lots to learn on this journey yet....
I was talking with someone recently who said that transition is a spiritual journey as much or more than physical. That is starting to make more and more sense.


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