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Chapter 5: I am Emma

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Emma1017:
Dear All:

I started my thread March 14, 2018 but really became part of this community on August 24, 2018.  Like many I “ghosted” this site, afraid of who and what I was.
 
I have learned so much.  I have learned that it is ok to be transgender.  It is ok to be selfish.  I also learned that I truly can’t suppress any longer who I am from myself.

Regardless of how I physically manifest myself to the world, I am Emma and I love it.  I don’t even care if I am called “Emma” by the world and I don’t care if everyone knows.  I know.

When I first heard “true self” or “authentic self” I dismissed those phrases as pure psychological manipulations.  I learned that I was amazingly wrong an I am happy to admit it here.

So I am starting a new chapter and I hope it will be far more joyful than the last four chapters.   I hope that I can share the laughable experiences I will have embracing life on a new planet, after my flight from Mars to Venus.

Thank you to all again for your endless support and wonderful love.

I can summarize the four prior chapters as "Do I have gender dysphoria?", "Am I transgender?", "What am I transitioning to?" and “This is who I am.”

Here are the links:

Chapter 1:  Which Hurts Less? https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,240370.0.html

Chapter 2:  So I am Trans, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,248609.0.html

Chapter 3:  Great so I am Transitioning, Now What?  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,252749.0.html

Chapter 4:  Becoming Emma  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,253672.0.html

Hugs, 

Emma

Northern Star Girl:
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
I am thrilled to see that you have moved on to your Chapter 5 titled "I am Emma"

With eagerness I will be looking for your new comment replies as you start your Chapter 5.

I am always wishing you success and wishing you well.
HUGS and my best wishes to you as you continue in your journey.
Danielle

Confused1:
Hi Emma,

I have remained in the shadows for awhile, but I have continued to read your thread. I am happy to see the name of this one. You ARE Emma. I have felt this since I first read your threads and realized who I am as well. I hope for nothing but happiness for you in the days ahead.

Hugs,
Mike

Emma1017:
Danielle thank you for sorting me out.  Lord knows I need a lot of that... ;D

Mike thank you for your thoughts.  I wrote this for myself this morning and it seems right to share it here:

When I was younger, I ran and swam competitively.  In both sports I was positioned on a starting block, waiting for the sound of the starters pistol.  In both cases, I could feel my entire body coiled and tensed, poised and waiting for the bang of the gun.  This immense tension inside of me waiting to explode out of the blocks.

I always loved the sense of release, that explosion of my suppressed energy as I just let it all go.  It was always exciting.  It was liberating.

I never thought I would have that sensation again.

After 61 years of suppression, denial and the incredible pain of gender dysphoria, I finally accepted that I was transgender.  It took almost three years of therapy and two years of hormones to get there. Over the last few months as my acceptance took hold, a slow glow of inner happiness took hold.  In the beginning it was so faint, so weak that I overlooked it but over time I felt it grow.

I suddenly feel like I am standing in the starters block again. I feel this building energy that needs to be released, just waiting for the sound of the gun.  It is just so exciting and I never thought that at this stage of my life that I would ever feel that excitement ever again.

For the last three years I have been dissecting and challenging myself in so many deep and painful ways. To know that this brutal experience has given me the opportunity to feel this incredible energy of joyous happiness is almost as hard to describe.  It is as if the dark pain of gender dysphoria was a counterpoint to this sense of joy and emotional release.
 
It comes with finally discovering me, all of me. 

It is just waiting for the starters pistol to sound.


Hugs,

Emma

AngelaJade:
Dear Emma..

Welcome to what some people refer as ‘gender euphoria’. 
That’s the feeling, the feeling when you arrive at a place of ‘self’.  It’s not a destination (although it may be for some), but it takes a lot of things to combine together to feel it.. and it’s an achievement in itself.

those who know, and have felt it, will join me in sending you warmth and hugs.. remember this moment, for there will be more and there will also be times when you need to remember to help you through difficult moments on the path ahead.. it works..

Xx Ang

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