Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 7354 times)

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Offline EllenW

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #20 on: November 16, 2020, 08:01:27 am »
I have been away from this forum because I have a vicious case of sciatica that has made sitting and pretty much everything else amazingly painful.  I have never experienced anything like it in my life.  It is like it is the physical sympathy pain to balance out the emotional pain of gender dysphoria.  It has been a miserable three weeks.

Thankfully I am working from home so I am spared commuting to work every day.

My on-deck list is to finally start electrolysis again, let my hair grow and talk to the GCS surgeon in January.  The FFS surgeon is in San Francisco so the pandemic pretty much controls the timing on that.

My wife and I are lovingly still together.  With my crippling bout of sciatica and her amazing help and support plus the brutal stress of the election and the pandemic, I don't want to beat her with the transgender "baseball bat".  I am letting it be for now.  We both know it is there.

I hope you all are well and safe.

Hugs,

Emma

Emma,

So sorry to hear about the sciatica. From my wife's own experience I understand how painful that can be.


However I am very happy that you and your wife re in a very good place at the moment. I do believe that you letting it go for now is an excellent idea. That allows her to adjust and realize how much you love her and that transition will not change that.

Ellen
Known all my life I was different
Started to live part time as my true self in 2010
HRT January 2018
Full time at work February 2018
Legal name and gender change January 2019
GCS - some time soon (I hope)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #21 on: November 16, 2020, 12:18:07 pm »
Ellen between gender dysphoria on the inside and sciatica on the outside my wine consumption is up.  I am hoping that my wife and I stay together after all this.

Hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline AngelaJade

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #22 on: November 16, 2020, 02:32:16 pm »
Hi Emma

Sorry I’ve been quiet the past week.. I’ve been a little busy..

I really understand the difficulty you have with sciatica, it’s really hard to deal with. So I hope all of our wishes help you if only a little.

My ex-wife (and now best friend) had a really bad bout of sciatica which lasted a year. It was so bad she couldn’t stand up straight and walked like a really old lady. The only thing (after trying everything we could find) which helped her and got her back walking and back to work was Bowen therapy.  It was amazing. Please look into it if you can, and hopefully there’s an experienced practitioner near you.

Bowen works on the para-sympathetic nervous system. It took around 10 sessions to get my ex-wife standing up straight again. It’s non-painful and relaxing. Yes it will feel a bit weird how your body reacts to it but it’s amazing.

I’m going to go to her when I’m able to calm everything down in my system after the operation.

Take care
Angie

Nov 2017 - Diagnosed with GD
Jan 2018 - Commenced HRT (e-patches & CPA)
Dec 2018 - Legally changed name & Gender
Mar 2019 - Openly living as a woman.
Nov 2020 - GCS (PPV with Dr Kieran Hart, Canberra)



Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #23 on: November 16, 2020, 03:30:02 pm »
My BFF does reflexology and she said she can cure sciatica, maybe you can find a good reflexologist . She cleared my bad back in one session, shame we are to far-------
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #24 on: November 16, 2020, 04:46:02 pm »
Pammie every day I keep asking myself if I am delaying out of fear or the reality of my current circumstances.

It is just waiting for the starters pistol to sound.

So Pammie it is no longer if, it is simply when.


Hugs,

Emma

Emma..... Time to fire the gun. You have come this far. Start to prepare, get out the paperwork, make sure the “T-s” are all crossed. This can be done. You can be your true self........ I just started my final leg of the race I will officially be out in January and yes I am terrified but it’s what I need to do. So sorry to hear about the back issues, your physical pain with your mental pain does not make for an easy time.

Getting over that final hurdle that last step in your mind before it becomes official is the hardest part, what I needed to do was break down that final step into individual little steps to get me to the day that I actually announce it to the entire branch that I work at.

 I have put in the paperwork for the name change now, when it becomes official, it will officially force me to change my name at work and on all of my papers which means ——->they all have to know and so does the world.

That last step can be the hardest but forward is the key. Just one step at a time but keep moving forward. You can get there and then you could find that freedom that you’ve been searching for.

I wish you the best of luck with your back and I can’t wait to hear just when you’re going to make it official.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #25 on: November 16, 2020, 07:44:50 pm »
Angie and Davina thank you for your suggestions.  Fortunately the sciatica started to calm down yesterday.  It is still painful but at a much more tolerable level.  I start physical therapy tomorrow.  I also bought a case of wine as a precaution.

Nicole how are you?  I am so glad you are ok and way ahead of me in this insane process.  You sound great and happy. 
Whether the gun goes off or not, I seem destined to run this race.  It is no longer a choice but a need.  I look forward to hearing how well you are doing.

Hugs,

Emma

 
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Stepheewt

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #26 on: November 16, 2020, 10:11:32 pm »
@emma.....I’m doing good. It’s been an absolute hell year, but losing my wife so tragically helped put things in perspective ......once I decided I should still continue to live.......

Life is too short you never know what’s gonna happen tomorrow. I just keep walking forward. Step-by-step and even though each step was scary, at the end of that step was great freedom. Now the most ultimate of all the scary things. I come out to the entire world. Legal name change and I’m permanently Nicole.

 If you would’ve asked me if any of this was possible back in May, when I was in a hotel room scared to walk out in public for the first time as myself, I would have said you were crazy. It’s all possible and I hope you find your way to that side. You can do this.

It turns out when the pain becomes more to not be myself all the time, then The pain of dealIng with the consequences of Coming out. That’s when your ready. I’m planning to make it happen in January. ( I have to wait for the legal name change to go into affect, which requires a court order, so actually I’m waiting on a court date)

Emma, I wish you peace more than anything else, the peace that only you can enjoy. It’s the peace and freedom of being your true self. I will let you know how it all goes.

Hugs
Nicole
All the stuff I have done for years was just to relieve the symptoms of this issue. I was always afraid of the cure.[/i]

My Story found at Stepheewt Pod Cast Thread now in member blogs all are welcome to post

Yes Stephee it turns out, may have changed, Going by Nicole but call me either

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #27 on: November 17, 2020, 06:47:52 am »

                        "It turns out when the pain becomes more to not be myself all the time, then
                         the pain of dealing with the consequences of Coming out. That’s when your ready."


Nicole you are absolutely right.  That's is exactly where I am right now.  When I spoke earlier in this thread about tensely waiting at the starting block for the gun to sound, what I was acknowledging was that I felt entirely repressed.  The "I" in this case is Emma.  I feel this need to tell everyone I am transgender and I find it hard to repress.  Wow what a change for both us in a year!

We all deserve peace and happiness.

Warm hugs,

Emma



 
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #28 on: November 17, 2020, 06:57:11 am »
Danielle you said something in Stepheewt (Nicole's) thread that resonated with me, living two lives.  There are so many times that I wish I could just quit and start over again where people, like here, only know me as Emma.  It may yet have to be my solution.  It will be up to my wife and I to decide what our solution is. 

Fortunately New York City is so huge that by moving 5 miles away is like moving to Alaska in terms of starting a new life.  It is amazing how many different worlds there are in one city. 

It truly has been a caterpillar to butterfly experience.

Hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2020, 08:43:14 pm »
I have become boring, to myself at the very least.  I’ll be back if I have something to say.  There are so many better stories that are worth reading. I am so tired of me.

Hugs and stay well,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #30 on: November 20, 2020, 03:20:27 am »
Life does get into a rut/routine with the same old day after day, lock down making it much worse. We are all in this ride for the long haul so sit back and wait till you arrive. Stay safe XXXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #31 on: November 20, 2020, 06:43:22 am »
Davina you are absolutely right.  Maybe I am getting corona virus "cabin fever" like everyone else.  It is so hard to be patient and we all need to be for the next couple of months.  Maybe I should use the time to learn a new language.

My English friends suggested I should study English since since I speak American so well and the languages are so similar.... ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Devlyn

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #32 on: November 20, 2020, 07:46:50 am »
Davina you are absolutely right.  Maybe I am getting corona virus "cabin fever" like everyone else.  It is so hard to be patient and we all need to be for the next couple of months.  Maybe I should use the time to learn a new language.

My English friends suggested I should study English since since I speak American so well and the languages are so similar.... ;D

That's a lie! Megan and I find that sharing a common language is the widest gulf between us!  :laugh:
Veteran, US Army

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #33 on: November 20, 2020, 09:04:37 am »
  ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #34 on: November 21, 2020, 08:38:30 am »
I wanted to take a moment to remember a truly incredible woman that has meant a lot to my life, Jan Morris.  She has passed after 94 remarkable years.  The New York Times wrote her obituary today, as I am sure many other papers have. 

I have included some excerpts below:

               Jan Morris, Celebrated Writer of Place and History, Is Dead at 94

In more than four dozen books, Morris explored foreign lands, her own Britain and her experience as a transgender woman.

Jan Morris, the acclaimed British journalist, travel writer and historian who wrote about history’s sweep and the details of place with equal eloquence and chronicled her life as a transgender woman, died on Friday in Wales. She was 94.

But she became increasingly despondent over the issue of gender identity. At age 46, she underwent transition surgery, explaining the reasoning in a well-received 1974 memoir, “Conundrum,” which was written two years after the operation under a new byline, Jan Morris.

With all of her writing success, she predicted that the headlines on her obituaries would read: “Sex-change author dies.”

Of her transition, she said: “I’ve never believed it to be quite as important as everyone made it out to be,” adding, “I believe in the soul and the spirit more than the body.”

Although she divorced her wife just before her operation, the two remained close, often traveling and living together, even after Ms. Tuckniss began struggling with dementia. In their house, Ms. Morris kept a gravestone that bore the inscription — both in Welsh and English — that was meant to be their future epitaph: “Here are two friends, Jan and Elizabeth, at the end of one life.”

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/11/20/books/jan-morris-dead.html

What a lovely epitaph!



  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #35 on: November 24, 2020, 07:29:09 am »
I wrote this for Medium in response to challenges that angered me.  I thought it might resonate here with some people.

                                                      I'm Not Like Other Girls


Ok let me start off by saying that my life has been stained by the advantages of male privilege. There I have said it and it is now out in the open.

In addition, I have been medically diagnosed as transgender, clinically proven. That is not up for any debate.

Finally, in the current, generally accepted gender vernacular, I am a transwoman.

So off we go. Am I really a woman or am I just a guy with a few bits removed? Given that no one can give me a definitive answer to what a woman is other than the militantly classic and massively ignorant argument that "your chromosomes and your genitalia are the only things that decide your gender" argument, I am going to say with total confidence that I am a woman.

Relax, I am not saying that I am like you if you're a woman or the women in your life if you're a guy. I am different and I am ok with that.

Just like you can state your gender with absolute authority because you simply know, I can state with equal authority that I also just simply know my gender.

Having gotten past the "I think therefore I am" argument, I now want to deal with the "you are just a man trying to be a woman" retort. I agree to a degree. Yes, I was raised as a male but it was always brutally enforced against my deep, internal sense of my female gender. It's like forcing a left-handed person to write with their right. It can be done but it never, ever feels natural.

The next challenge is the "you are acting like a woman based on how men see women which is a completely false sense of womanhood" old standby.

Oh, come on, that just leads back to "what is a woman?".

Of course, my life experiences are going to impact my vision of who and what I am and of course I will overcompensate in expressing my femininity. I have been forced to express a false masculine image all my life. At my age I want to maximize my female experience, both good and bad, for whatever time I have left.

So, I am not like the other girls.

I am the product of the classic mixture of nurture and nature, with a humorous gender twist thrown in by nature.  In the end, I am defined by my life experiences and my gender identification, just like a Kurdish woman soldier is different from a Manhattan mother, from a Syrian female refugee, from a French runway model, from a starving Ethiopian girl, from a Mid-western farmer woman, from a Dallas police woman, from a Catholic nun from a black, Indian American Vice President.

On the female range of gender expression from too feminine to too masculine, who has declared that they have the right to pick it for me? Who claims to have that power over my life, the remnants of an obsolete and ignorant society that once pigeon-holed me for a lifetime in the wrong gender? Thankfully society has finally begun to accept the humanity of my gender and given me the hope to finally be who I truly am. The last thing I will allow is a flat-worlding, gender Nazi force me back into the binary cell I have just escaped from.

So please forgive me if my gender expression fails your gender test. Give me a little time to adjust.

I just got out of jail.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #36 on: November 24, 2020, 07:45:03 am »
I wrote this for Medium in response to challenges that angered me.  I thought it might resonate here with some people.

                                                      I'm Not Like Other Girls


Ok let me start off by saying that my life has been stained by the advantages of male privilege. There I have said it and it is now out in the open.

In addition, I have been medically diagnosed as transgender, clinically proven. That is not up for any debate.

Finally, in the current, generally accepted gender vernacular, I am a transwoman.

So off we go. Am I really a woman or am I just a guy with a few bits removed? Given that no one can give me a definitive answer to what a woman is other than the militantly classic and massively ignorant argument that "your chromosomes and your genitalia are the only things that decide your gender" argument, I am going to say with total confidence that I am a woman.

Relax, I am not saying that I am like you if you're a woman or the women in your life if you're a guy. I am different and I am ok with that.

Just like you can state your gender with absolute authority because you simply know, I can state with equal authority that I also just simply know my gender.

Having gotten past the "I think therefore I am" argument, I now want to deal with the "you are just a man trying to be a woman" retort. I agree to a degree. Yes, I was raised as a male but it was always brutally enforced against my deep, internal sense of my female gender. It's like forcing a left-handed person to write with their right. It can be done but it never, ever feels natural.

The next challenge is the "you are acting like a woman based on how men see women which is a completely false sense of womanhood" old standby.

Oh, come on, that just leads back to "what is a woman?".

Of course, my life experiences are going to impact my vision of who and what I am and of course I will overcompensate in expressing my femininity. I have been forced to express a false masculine image all my life. At my age I want to maximize my female experience, both good and bad, for whatever time I have left.

So, I am not like the other girls.

I am the product of the classic mixture of nurture and nature, with a humorous gender twist thrown in by nature.  In the end, I am defined by my life experiences and my gender identification, just like a Kurdish woman soldier is different from a Manhattan mother, from a Syrian female refugee, from a French runway model, from a starving Ethiopian girl, from a Mid-western farmer woman, from a Dallas police woman, from a Catholic nun from a black, Indian American Vice President.

On the female range of gender expression from too feminine to too masculine, who has declared that they have the right to pick it for me? Who claims to have that power over my life, the remnants of an obsolete and ignorant society that once pigeon-holed me for a lifetime in the wrong gender? Thankfully society has finally begun to accept the humanity of my gender and given me the hope to finally be who I truly am. The last thing I will allow is a flat-worlding, gender Nazi force me back into the binary cell I have just escaped from.

So please forgive me if my gender expression fails your gender test. Give me a little time to adjust.

I just got out of jail.

I love that. Simply love that. It is just absolutely clear, succinct, human and heartfelt. I love being in TeamEmma! Xxx


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Offline Dorit

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #37 on: November 24, 2020, 07:54:22 am »
I love that. Simply love that. It is just absolutely clear, succinct, human and heartfelt. I love being in TeamEmma! Xxx


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Me too! :)
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #38 on: November 24, 2020, 08:04:55 am »
Thanks Pammie and Dorit. 

I really appreciate the vote of confidence.  I get so tired of ignorantly authoritative opinions.  I think the pandemic and the recent US election have strained my tolerance of stupidity.  ;D.

Warm hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandyL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #39 on: November 25, 2020, 11:13:55 am »
Emma, both the last two Medium posts you have shared really resonate with me. You are expressing thoughts I have all the time, and your way of putting them into words helps me understand myself better. Even if you do write in American lol I'm American too. Thank you, Randy

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Casting about for my best path forward...

My personal blog thread: Randy the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randy's HRT Journal


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