Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 34936 times)

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Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #860 on: May 31, 2021, 06:41:50 pm »
We had a wonderful 40th anniversary. No tension or stress, just laughs, hugs and a lovely dinner.  We both needed that. I am only working tomorrow and we are going away upstate for a couple of days.

I needed a vacation from gender dysphoria, at least for a couple of days. 😊


Yay!  That is nice to hear Emma.

Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that you speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #861 on: May 31, 2021, 09:26:34 pm »

Aw thanks Chrissy.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #862 on: June 01, 2021, 02:43:30 am »
Spring , na its jumped straight into summer!!!
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #863 on: June 01, 2021, 07:43:10 am »
Davina our weather went the other way for the weekend.  It was October weather, heavy rain and in the 40s (9 degrees Celsius).  We are starting a warm up this week.  We are still bringing sweaters for the mountains upstate NY.  At least no mosquitoes yet. :D

I wrote this yesterday for Medium.  I was sharing what I have learned from you all here over the last two plus years.  Thank you :).

                                                             The Transgender Journey: YMMV
                                                     

As I came to grips with the shocking discovery that I was transgender at 62 years of age, in panic, I sought out every piece of information I could to understand and cure my gender dysphoria. 

There was no way I was going to transition.

Even now I marvel at how ignorant and naïve I was to think that.  I had a lot learn.  In the internet part of my discovery process, I was shocked to find out that I was not alone.  I truly thought I was.  Although not as prevalent and visual in society as the gay and lesbian community, beneath the gender roles assigned them by society at birth, there lives a furtive community of trans people.  There was no easy way to connect but through the safety of the internet, we found each other.

I soon discovered that I was not the first person to embark on this extraordinary journey.  I was actually following the footsteps of millions of others on a trail that has been walked since people started walking.

Transgender people have always existed.

I had no clue.

Once I realized that I was among hundreds of thousands of transgender people worldwide, I figured that my journey would be easy.  In fact, it wasn’t, it was just easier.  I still needed to find my own way.

Like a rookie at the base of Mount Everest, I realized that no one was going to carry me to the peak.  I learned an important phrase from the seasoned transgender gender climbers.  There were different ways to the peak and each of us had different peaks to climb.  They taught me:

                                                                              YMMV                                                   

“Your Mileage May Vary.” was a phrase to describe how far your car can travel on a tank of gas.  Here, essentially that phrase recognizes that, although we share many things in common, our distinctive life experiences coupled with our own biological starting points, creates an unlimited variety of personal solutions.   We needed to find our answer to gender dysphoria.

“How old are you” was a good place to start.  It seemed that there were four age groups: under-aged child and young adults, as well as mid-life and late life transgender individuals.  Each generations had its own pluses and minuses in the society in which they were raised.  The older ones had a lifetime to overcome.  The younger ones had to find way to live their lifetime.  No one had it easy.

Then, did you have the support of your family and your community?  There are the ones that offer a hand or the ones that block your every effort to move forward.  Their importance in your life has a direct bearing on your progress or lack thereof.

Unfortunately, did you have enough wealth or medical support necessary to afford the changes necessary to repair your birth defect?  Sadly, money, particularly if you are young, has a massive bearing on transitioning.  The lack of money has created so many tragic situations and tragic results.

The YYMV list is as endless and as unique as we are.

So, if you are preparing to climb your own transgender Mount Everest, make sure that you seek out the veterans and the local guides that are all around you.  They are there and they want to help you. 

Do not try to go it alone.  Seek out the help that is there.

Ignore all the negative people and setbacks that try to discourage your from trying.  The journey is treacherous but the views from the Mount are worth every painful step you take. 

It is worth the climb.

See you at the top.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #864 on: June 01, 2021, 10:53:31 am »
YMWV
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #865 on: June 05, 2021, 07:29:02 pm »

We had a great trip upstate New York.  It was nice to just be "normal"...  I tried to not think about transitioning and just focus on everything else in my life that I enjoy.  It was a nice change of pace.

I couldn't shut down my gender dysphoria entirely but it didn't consume my every waking thoughts...just some of them :D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #866 on: June 06, 2021, 04:27:38 am »
Glad you had a great trip. I didn't think the dysphoria ever sleeps.

Alice

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #867 on: June 07, 2021, 06:00:12 am »

Alice you are right, it never sleeps, it is just less intrusive.:)

I am in a "gender neutral" phase right now.  I can't do any further physical transitioning for the rest of the year for work.  So I am sort of cruising.  It has been a rough couple of months so I am ok with that for now.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #868 on: June 08, 2021, 02:51:10 pm »
Just stopping by to give you a massive, squeezy cyberhug, sweetie. Because you can't ever have too many hugs.

*megahuggles* X

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #869 on: June 08, 2021, 04:29:22 pm »
Awww Sephirah💖 thank you!!!  Hugs are always appreciated and back at you!

Massive hugs,

Emma

💞❤️ 🥰
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #870 on: June 09, 2021, 12:22:14 pm »
I just wrote this for Medium for Pride Month and thought I would share it here:

                                                         My First Time in the Stonewall Inn
                                                            As a gender refugee leaving a life raft

In response to the Prism & Pen prompt, here is my Pride story:

Two years ago during Gay Pride Month in New York City, which happened to be the 50th anniversary of the 1969 Stonewall Riots, I stepped into the Stonewall Inn for the first time. I had so many thoughts and sensations. I had stepped out of 63 years of cisgender experience and I felt like an immigrant leaving a life raft into a new world.

I was a gender refugee.

Earlier that year I had finally, grudgingly, accepted that I was transgender. It was a titanic task. After 60 years of societal male programming, surging testosterone and massive walls of denial created to survive in a binary world, my gender exploded into my life.

I had no clue and the fury of my confusion and my internal rejection had me contemplate suicide for the first time in my life. I was smart enough to finally seek professional help before those thoughts went any further.

Counseling saved my life.

I learned that I was suffering from gender dysphoria. I was female in a male body. Over the next year or so, I was able to put together the pieces of my gender jig saw puzzle. The resulting picture was clear and conclusive, I was transgender.

That reality rocked my world and continues to do so. It is the most profound thing that ever occurred to me in my life. I watched as 62 years of the façade that had wrapped itself so snuggly around my life, dissolved. It left me emotionally raw and naked. Try as I might, there was no place to hide.

Truth has a way of stripping away convenient fictions.

I was supportive of my gay and lesbian friends but I never thought that I would ever wind up actually being one of the initials of LGBTQ.

Wow, I was trans ...

My world definitely shifted. I felt differently. I tried to capture my thoughts on paper. I started to post them here. I reached out to the transgender community and LGBTQ world and found out I was not alone. I was surrounded by some of the most courageous and generously caring people I had ever met.

My transgender heart was growing.

So during the 2019 LGBTQ Pride Month I had a professional meeting with one off my clients at his business in Greenwich Village. He was proudly gay. He had been my client for years and we had a great relationship. After the meeting was over, we were chatting and I felt this overwhelming need to tell him I was transgender. He became only one of five people who knew. His reaction was instantaneous. He threw his arms around me and just hugged me. It was a simple gesture that meant a lot to me.

When I left his office, I had so many thoughts running through my mind but, the one that stands out was, I had shared my truth and it felt great. It was just a very small step on a very treacherous path but it made me feel good in a way that I really needed to feel.

It was at that moment that I needed to celebrate. I was only blocks away from the Stonewall and I knew what I had to do. I went there to have a celebratory drink and I wasn’t even aware that it was Pride Month. Until that point it was just a Wednesday afternoon to me.

By the time I reached the Stonewall Inn I had connected the dots. I had chosen to come out, in a very small way, to my first, non-family member and it happened during Pride Month.
It felt so right.

When I entered the tavern I wasn’t greeted with cheers and hardy handshakes. No one yelled “Norm!”. There was a diverse crowd of people, each in their own conversations but I didn’t care. I had crossed the threshold doorway of the Stonewall Inn.

I was the “T” of LGBTQ and there was no going back!


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #871 on: June 12, 2021, 10:37:14 am »
I redid this and wanted to share it here:

                                       My Personal Sweet 16 Transgender Experiences List

Earlier in my writings here I posted an article called: My Transgender Sweet Sixteen List.  I wrote it to fill my emotional glass back up to half way.  I was in a very dark period.  I wrote a general list of the positive experiences of being transgender.  Last night, sadly, I felt like I was looking at an empty emotional glass.  I felt deep sadness.  I wrote a long piece about it but I have chosen to not share it here.  Who needs to be depressed further with someone else’s pain?  I have done enough of it here and we all have enough in our own lives.

Instead, I thought I would share my personal Sweet 16 Transgender Experiences List.  These are my personal positive experiences since I wrote my original Sweet 16 list two years ago.  The list is filled with vanity and things that give me a sense of female gender validity.  Please don’t criticize me if they seem superficial to you.  This is all new to me and while I am learning about all the negatives of being a woman, I also feel so many joys in my personal female discoveries.  I just wanted this to be my happy list:

1.   I am still alive and suicide is no longer an option.
2.   My family is still with me but we have a long way to go.
3.   I finally accept that I am transgender.
4.   I have been on HRT for two and half years.
5.   I have a 38DD chest from the hormones and I am not binding my chest any more. 
        Happily it is one more surgery I can skip and it provides me with a huge validation
        as I continue my journey in stealth.
6.   I have been called pretty and gorgeous without me getting upset*
7.   I have developed a passion for red wine and chocolates
8.   I have a hairdresser who knows that I am transgender and treats me totally like a woman.
9.   I have been sexually harassed in rush hour traffic by a guy who angrily yelled “Nice <breasts>!”
        thinking he was insulting a guy when, in fact, he was the first one to notice I had breasts. 
        It made me smile.
10.   I started a fashion Pinterest file and like the style I am developing.  I have always hated
        men’s clothes.  I am dressing more androgynously.  I find women’s clothes so much
        more comfortable.
11.   I have been increasing my vocal range so that I can reach the high levels of the
        female range without straining.
12.   I am getting better at makeup and, hey, if I make a mistake, it wipes off.  No harm and all fun.
13.   I have had hairy legs and arm pits all my life.  I have very little body hair now and love shaving
        that bit off.  The sensation is wonderful.
14.   I have amazing soft skin.  It is so obvious when I touch it.  It makes me smile.
15.   Some of my male pants are not fitting and my hips are filling out.  People have noticed
        a difference in the way I walk and I didn’t do anything on purpose.
16.   I need to stay stealth for the rest of the year but I am no longer afraid of who I am. 

*For over a year I posted photos of me as Emma.  I had a very hard time accepting that I actually looked like that.  I was massively uncomfortable with being called “pretty” and even “gorgeous”.  It even made me extremely angry.  I took a year in therapy to finally accept that I could be pretty.
I did the first make over to prove I couldn’t pass, epic fail!  I did it the second time to prove that the first time was just a camera fluke, wrong!  I went the third time to really prove I was a guy in drag and I was still hoping for a “cure” to my gender dysphoria.  My denial wall collapsed.  I saw in each photo a smile of deep, personal joy that I know was my heart touching my soul for the first time and really seeing it with my eyes.  I have done ten more makeovers during which a walked and shopped as Emma without fear.  The smile appears every time.

This is the original list that I wrote two years ago.

I was challenged by someone after writing the Transgender Pain, to write something positive about being transgender.
 Here’s my attempt:

                                                               My Transgender Sweet Sixteen
We get to:
1) really know ourselves in a way few people do
2) find out who loves us no matter what
3) find out who our real friends are
4) get to meet new friends
5) have new social experiences
6) understand both sides of gender
7) see the world in way that few people experience
8 ) see sex in a different way
9) try on new clothes and fashions
10) use some bathroom somewhere
11) understand people better, with more empathy
12) finally have internal peace after a lifetime of battling
13) reinvent ourselves and the adventure of getting a fresh start
14) discover exciting physical and emotional changes
15) be accepted by others and just one of the girls or one of the boys
16) feel the sheer joy every day of just being the real you

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline RandiL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #872 on: June 12, 2021, 12:17:36 pm »
Emma, thanks for posting both lists. You've come a long way in the two years between them. Much of the old list still seems relevant to me, but I understand that many of those items are no longer in your top 16, or they have changed a great deal.

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Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #873 on: June 12, 2021, 02:08:23 pm »
Number one is the most important of all.

*megahugs*

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #874 on: June 12, 2021, 06:17:16 pm »
Emma,

I do like your list but feel number 1 is a by-product of all the other 15 wonderful things. I still hate that word.

Alice

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #875 on: June 13, 2021, 09:30:46 am »

Sephirah I agree and Alice I agree it is another on a list of hateful words.  It is on my list because I wanted to share that I have eliminated it from the options I consider years ago.  Regardless of the pain of gender dysphoria, I am "happy" to agonize over whether to  transition or not but I will live with as much joy as my final choice gives me.  There is no third option.

Randi we all have come sot far in the last two years.  Too earlier for a class reunion ;D?
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #876 on: June 17, 2021, 09:50:51 pm »
I am going to transition but I haven’t told myself.

I am so afraid.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #877 on: June 18, 2021, 03:31:00 am »
Well I think you need to tell yourself , get it out in the open and go for it. Big hugs dear XXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #878 on: June 18, 2021, 09:31:06 am »


I am going to transition but I haven’t told myself.

Oh, Emma. You already have and you just won't admit it.
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Maria2018

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #879 on: June 18, 2021, 10:35:33 am »
"I saw in each photo a smile of deep, personal joy that I know was my heart touching my soul for the first time and really seeing it with my eyes."

I have started taking some selfies recently. Having never, ever had the inclination to ever before in my life, it's very strange to suddenly have the desire to. But in a few of them I've noticed exactly what you've described here. You've put it into words so wonderfully. I look at those selfies and can't believe it is me smiling like that! So thank you for that description :)

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Be more kind my friends, try to be more kind." - Frank Turner

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