Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 33885 times)

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Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #880 on: June 18, 2021, 11:46:20 am »
I am going to transition but I haven’t told myself.

I am so afraid.
Genuinely in tears when I read that. My heart goes out to you my sweet Emma xxx


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #881 on: June 18, 2021, 02:11:40 pm »
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ Thank you all 🥰
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #882 on: June 18, 2021, 03:18:13 pm »
I am going to transition but I haven’t told myself.

I am so afraid.

Emma, there'd be something wrong if you weren't afraid. It's not like saying "I want to change my wardrobe." But having courage isn't a case of not being scared. Courage is being terrified out of your mind but doing it anyway. It's not letting that fear rule you. It's doing something in spite of not thinking you can. If you weren't scared, it wouldn't be worth talking about. It would just be a thing.

You have it inside you, sweetie. I know you do. I know you can do this, it it's what you want to do.

I believe in you. You know I do.

*massive hugs* <3

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #883 on: June 18, 2021, 04:13:31 pm »
Sephirah I swear that you and my therapist talk together....

In our last session she suggested that I simply just tell myself that I AM TRANSITIONING which I did that day and sent her the following:

"Ok I desperately hate to admit this but using you transitioning Zen move by telling myself I AM TRANSITIONING I felt myself relax a bit."

She then sent me five happy faces.  Something she has never done.

Not to be out done, a trans woman who has been following me on Medium wrote:

"Oh, hon, the one thing I found out about transitioning and coming out, especially as an older trans woman, is that the biggest fears were mostly in my head.  And yes, you are transitioning. You would not be here journaling your experiences with that transformative process if you weren’t. Be as brave as I know you can be, Emma."

Then Davina: 

"Well I think you need to tell yourself , get it out in the open and go for it. Big hugs dear XXXX"


Then BG:

"Oh, Emma. You already have and you just won't admit it."

And now you for the 12th wonderful time:

"You have it inside you, sweetie. I know you do. I know you can do this, it it's what you want to do."


Are you all talking to each other???????

I need to just stop being kidding myself to believe that I have any chance or desire to stop what I am clearly already and so obviously doing.

Darn, the wardrobe change is going to be expensive.  I'll go shopping with you Pammie ;D.


Massive hugs with all my heart,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Dorit

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #884 on: June 19, 2021, 01:39:12 am »
Emma, this tread has helped me answer the common question that I and others ask: "When did I start my transition?"  I used to think maybe when I started hormones, or went full time, or maybe after FFS, or GCS, or when?  I started my transition 15 years ago when I began to search the internet for a new way to relate to this childhood "perversion" or "mental illness" that I still had!  It was the beginning of my transition, the profound change in how I viewed myself and this gender issue I had always lived with.  So you and I have been transitioning for a long time! ;)
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl in 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020
GCS Revision March 2021

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #885 on: June 19, 2021, 08:31:10 am »
Sephirah I swear that you and my therapist talk together....

In our last session she suggested that I simply just tell myself that I AM TRANSITIONING which I did that day and sent her the following:

"Ok I desperately hate to admit this but using you transitioning Zen move by telling myself I AM TRANSITIONING I felt myself relax a bit."

She then sent me five happy faces.  Something she has never done.

Not to be out done, a trans woman who has been following me on Medium wrote:

"Oh, hon, the one thing I found out about transitioning and coming out, especially as an older trans woman, is that the biggest fears were mostly in my head.  And yes, you are transitioning. You would not be here journaling your experiences with that transformative process if you weren’t. Be as brave as I know you can be, Emma."

Then Davina: 

"Well I think you need to tell yourself , get it out in the open and go for it. Big hugs dear XXXX"


Then BG:

"Oh, Emma. You already have and you just won't admit it."

And now you for the 12th wonderful time:

"You have it inside you, sweetie. I know you do. I know you can do this, it it's what you want to do."


Are you all talking to each other???????

I need to just stop being kidding myself to believe that I have any chance or desire to stop what I am clearly already and so obviously doing.

Darn, the wardrobe change is going to be expensive.  I'll go shopping with you Pammie ;D.


Massive hugs with all my heart,

Emma
@Emma1017 I can’t wait hun!


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #886 on: June 19, 2021, 05:46:56 pm »
❤️😁 Thanks Pammie
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #887 on: June 21, 2021, 11:10:23 am »
I just wrote this for Medium:

          Am I Pregnant? The Thoughts of a Trans Woman

                             

There are so many unique human experiences that are difficult to successfully convey to others.

I always think about child birth in that way. I will never know what it is like to carry a child for nine months, experience the intense pain of child birth and then the joy of holding that new life after putting my body and soul into its creation. I can try but I will always be well shy of actually, truly knowing.

Cisgenders, whether straight or gay, will never know the pain that gender dysphoria creates for those that are transgender. How can they? But ultimately, I think it is enough that they try. I respect anyone that at least makes an attempt to understand and to go further, to accept me as me.

That is all I really want.

I don't want pity or sympathy. That is for people who suffered a grievous loss. My pain is not permanent. I refuse to live a life filled with sorrow or endless pain. I reject a life like that. I am not dying. I want to fill the rest of my life with as much joy and happiness I can and I am willing to share.

I want simple empathy. I want someone to be able to imagine not only what I am going through and feeling now but also sense the joy I will have to finally be me.

So maybe gender dysphoria is like a kind of pregnancy. It is but a moment in life filled with a moment of pain and nausea, as well as the fear of the future. Transitioning can be seen as giving painful birth to the true person that we are and have carried so long inside us.

The contractions are painful and the delivery is incredibly long but the joy of finally seeing yourself and really seeing yourself for the first time is worth all the pain, fear, doubt and anguish.


                               

I hope so.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #888 on: June 21, 2021, 12:38:43 pm »
I just wrote this for Medium:

          Am I Pregnant? The Thoughts of a Trans Woman

                             

There are so many unique human experiences that are difficult to successfully convey to others.

I always think about child birth in that way. I will never know what it is like to carry a child for nine months, experience the intense pain of child birth and then the joy of holding that new life after putting my body and soul into its creation. I can try but I will always be well shy of actually, truly knowing.

Cisgenders, whether straight or gay, will never know the pain that gender dysphoria creates for those that are transgender. How can they? But ultimately, I think it is enough that they try. I respect anyone that at least makes an attempt to understand and to go further, to accept me as me.

That is all I really want.

I don't want pity or sympathy. That is for people who suffered a grievous loss. My pain is not permanent. I refuse to live a life filled with sorrow or endless pain. I reject a life like that. I am not dying. I want to fill the rest of my life with as much joy and happiness I can and I am willing to share.

I want simple empathy. I want someone to be able to imagine not only what I am going through and feeling now but also sense the joy I will have to finally be me.

So maybe gender dysphoria is like a kind of pregnancy. It is but a moment in life filled with a moment of pain and nausea, as well as the fear of the future. Transitioning can be seen as giving painful birth to the true person that we are and have carried so long inside us.

The contractions are painful and the delivery is incredibly long but the joy of finally seeing yourself and really seeing yourself for the first time is worth all the pain, fear, doubt and anguish.


                               

I hope so.
It’s a powerful analogy hun!
And it’s also not without validity!
I actually find myself quite inspired by the thought! Well done you!


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #889 on: June 22, 2021, 08:34:54 am »
Thanks Pammie.  I share the article with my therapist.  She responded "Here's to productive contractions!"

Gee I wonder what she thinks I should do..... ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #890 on: June 22, 2021, 09:44:35 am »



Gee I wonder what she thinks I should do..... ;D


/Therapist puts on scrubs, wheels out IV stand prepped with pitocin, readies ceasarian crash cart
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #891 on: June 22, 2021, 05:14:27 pm »


/Therapist puts on scrubs, wheels out IV stand prepped with pitocin, readies ceasarian crash cart
I love that! You are so clever! Xx


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Offline KimOct

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #892 on: June 23, 2021, 10:33:46 pm »
Emma, there'd be something wrong if you weren't afraid. It's not like saying "I want to change my wardrobe." But having courage isn't a case of not being scared. Courage is being terrified out of your mind but doing it anyway. It's not letting that fear rule you. It's doing something in spite of not thinking you can. If you weren't scared, it wouldn't be worth talking about. It would just be a thing.

You have it inside you, sweetie. I know you do. I know you can do this, it it's what you want to do.

I believe in you. You know I do.

*massive hugs* <3

Hi Emma,  Told you I was just stepping away not saying goodbye.  I agree with Sephirah - I usually do but I'm just a bit tougher about it.

In the past I put a lot of my opinions / support / love and tough love here hoping to help others as well.

I think it's time to poop or get off the pot. 

I know it's scary.  I was scared crazy.  But courage is not the lack of fear it is acting in spite of fear.
And I know you remember my preaching about where that fear comes from.

If you want to have some one on one time I am still here for you.  I think you still have my email.  Either way drop me a note if you want.  I am still here for you.  :)
The first transphobe you have to conquer is yourself

Offline RandiL

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #893 on: June 24, 2021, 12:43:40 am »
Hey there @KimOct I'm glad to see you on here. I've long followed your discussions with Emma and I appreciate your candor. You make sense to me and I've embraced the change for myself. Despite what it's done to my marriage, I'm a much happier person now.

My smartphone thinks it's smarter than me. It's probably right.

Forging my new, best life as Randi

My personal blog thread: Randi the lost traveler, finding the right road at last

My HRT thread: Randi's HRT Journal


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #894 on: June 24, 2021, 07:22:43 am »
Kim I am glad you are ok and I appreciate your checking up on me.  Its nice to know I haven't driven you entirely away ;D.

Every journey is different.  Clearly mine is.  I figure I burned out a lot of supporters along the way, but at the end of the day, I needed to find my own way, twisted as it is.  I certainly had a lot to say and share along the way.

As you are sensing, I am just about at the end of this part of my journey.  It seems pretty clear, finally, to me that I am going to complete my transitioning.  The pandemic has added another year to my professional commitment to my practice.  My son won’t inherit it if I leave earlier.  Fortunately I can fit all the surgeries in and work from home while I recover.  It just means that I need to be stealth while I do it all.  I will publicly come out on my own terms but I want to give my son the best chance to retain the clients, some of whom will have serious issues with my being transgender.

I can live with that delay.  My son is too important to me and I have come so far in my acceptance and my increasing sense of happiness and peace, a public announcement is not as important.  The ultimate truth in my heart is.

Warm regards,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #895 on: June 24, 2021, 08:11:58 am »
I know that I always post smiling pictures of me, after all the photographers are always saying "Smile" and given that I am usually happy at that moment, I happily oblige.

I thought I would add one photo that captures the "real" me... ;D



Never let a perfectionist take your picture.  They can drive you mad... ;D

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Battle Goddess

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #896 on: June 24, 2021, 10:40:01 am »
Lookin' good, cutie!
"It's not really a choice. Because we're not choosing to transition...we're choosing to be happy." -- SarahC

"Have a gentle manner ❤️" -- Chrissy Ryan
"Working on it" -- Battle Goddess


Introductory Post: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,242617.msg2196235.html

Whiny HRT and Transition Blog: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,244163.msg2217618.html

Spironolactone January 10 2019
Divigel January 20 2019
Estradiol Valerate March 14 2019

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #897 on: June 24, 2021, 12:15:35 pm »
I know that I always post smiling pictures of me, after all the photographers are always saying "Smile" and given that I am usually happy at that moment, I happily oblige.

I thought I would add one photo that captures the "real" me... ;D



Never let a perfectionist take your picture.  They can drive you mad... ;D
Looking just fantastic Emma! I love that pic! So natural !



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Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #898 on: June 24, 2021, 12:22:05 pm »
Well there she is, lovely as ever XXXX
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever.
I get pushed out of shape and its hard to steer when I get rubber in all 4 gears (Beach Boys ,little deuce coupe)

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #899 on: June 24, 2021, 12:38:58 pm »

Awwww thanks everyone.  Monica took the picture and kept shouting for me to open up my eyes more for the picture.

She is tough.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

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