Author Topic: Chapter 5: I am Emma  (Read 8320 times)

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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #40 on: November 25, 2020, 01:13:20 pm »
Randy I am so glad that what I wrote is valuable to you. It is so important to me that my writing has a purpose other than just therapy for me.

Hugs,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline ChrissyRyan

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #41 on: November 25, 2020, 01:32:32 pm »
Emma,

May you and your wife have a wonderful Thanksgiving!   :)


Chrissy
Be a good example of good behavior.  Always be kinder than needed.  Be tender to others.  You are as beautiful as the thoughts you think and the words that your speak.   Always stay cheerful, be polite, kind, and understanding.  Knowledge and action shown without love is not impressive.  If you look for the good in people you will find it. Healthy relationships are so important to good living.  Serve others.

Good living, joy, unity, love, and happiness can come from following these practices: Never let selfishness or conceit motivate you.  Regard others as more important than yourself.  Do not limit attention to only your interests, but include the interests of others

It is not usually about how fast you transition, it is about how well you transition.  

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #42 on: November 25, 2020, 03:15:18 pm »
Aww Chrissy thank you very much.  I hope you and your loved ones have a wonderful Thanksgiving as well!

Warm hug,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #43 on: November 27, 2020, 09:54:52 am »
Transitioning has really made me think about a lot of things that were hidden inside me during most of my life and question things I took for granted.  This morning, for no special reason I asked simply who am I transitioning to be.
This is what I came up with

                                                                         Who is Emma?

She is a woman that never had a chance to be a little girl.

She is a person inside a person.  Her thoughts were always censured by a binary filter in order for her words to be accepted by the world she grew up with.

She is a soul that has never seen her face in the mirror.

She never got to take ballet lessons with the other girls or braid her hair or played with makeup.

She was never told she was the pretty girl that she always dreamed she could be.

She had to grow up a guy.  Instead of makeup, she had to shave her face.

As a guy, she was told to be strong, show no pain, don’t ever be weak, suck it up.

As a guy, she was told to succeed, to be a man, to get an education and get a job, to support a family and pay the mortgage.

As a guy, she had to do guy things, talk sports, be aggressive, listen to sexist jokes, mock gays and lesbians, attack weaknesses, show no compassion and always be combative.

As a guy, she was forced deeper and deeper into the shell of her soul, rarely allowed to breath, hidden from sight, protected from the world by the guy that she lived inside of, the one who completely forgot she was even there.

So, who is Emma now?

She is a survivor.  She never died.  She chose patience instead.  She took advantage of those opportunities to remind the guy in the mirror that she was there.

It took time, a lifetime, to understand that she and he are truly just one person.  The thoughts they shared were always a collective sharing of perceptions, ideas and beliefs.  They are a brother and a sister to each other.  They protected and consoled each other.  Their endless internal conversations eventually provided the strength for Emma to finally emerge.

She is transgender.  She combines a life time of male experiences with the soul of a woman.  She has the remarkable opportunity to draw on her gender and her sex to see the world with a unique perspective and to share it with those who care.

That is who Emma is.

Emma has finally been called pretty.  She has finally seen the mirror reflect who she sees in her soul.  She finally has had the opportunity to be weak and cry and be emotional without ridicule.

Emma has finally gotten to simply smile from the inside out.

Emma is finally just, Emma.
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Sephirah

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #44 on: November 28, 2020, 02:43:20 pm »
Transitioning has really made me think about a lot of things that were hidden inside me during most of my life and question things I took for granted.  This morning, for no special reason I asked simply who am I transitioning to be.
This is what I came up with

                                                                         Who is Emma?

She is a woman that never had a chance to be a little girl.

She is a person inside a person.  Her thoughts were always censured by a binary filter in order for her words to be accepted by the world she grew up with.

She is a soul that has never seen her face in the mirror.

She never got to take ballet lessons with the other girls or braid her hair or played with makeup.

She was never told she was the pretty girl that she always dreamed she could be.

She had to grow up a guy.  Instead of makeup, she had to shave her face.

As a guy, she was told to be strong, show no pain, don’t ever be weak, suck it up.

As a guy, she was told to succeed, to be a man, to get an education and get a job, to support a family and pay the mortgage.

As a guy, she had to do guy things, talk sports, be aggressive, listen to sexist jokes, mock gays and lesbians, attack weaknesses, show no compassion and always be combative.

As a guy, she was forced deeper and deeper into the shell of her soul, rarely allowed to breath, hidden from sight, protected from the world by the guy that she lived inside of, the one who completely forgot she was even there.

So, who is Emma now?

She is a survivor.  She never died.  She chose patience instead.  She took advantage of those opportunities to remind the guy in the mirror that she was there.

It took time, a lifetime, to understand that she and he are truly just one person.  The thoughts they shared were always a collective sharing of perceptions, ideas and beliefs.  They are a brother and a sister to each other.  They protected and consoled each other.  Their endless internal conversations eventually provided the strength for Emma to finally emerge.

She is transgender.  She combines a life time of male experiences with the soul of a woman.  She has the remarkable opportunity to draw on her gender and her sex to see the world with a unique perspective and to share it with those who care.

That is who Emma is.

Emma has finally been called pretty.  She has finally seen the mirror reflect who she sees in her soul.  She finally has had the opportunity to be weak and cry and be emotional without ridicule.

Emma has finally gotten to simply smile from the inside out.

Emma is finally just, Emma.


To answer that question with a question... simply... Who are you? When you can answer that... you're where you want to be. :) You aren't two different people. Emma is everything you've gone through before understanding who you are, and after. Emma is the totality of the person I've had the privilege to get to know over the last few years.

One of the hardest things Transgender people have to come to terms with is seeing the person they want to be as the person they already are, but haven't accepted yet. We treat it as this different persona. An alter-ego, if you like. Something we aspire to.

But that is the greatest folly of this whole thing. You can chase after someone else your whole life and never find them. The key is accepting that the chase was never necessary to begin with.

There isn't a "She" and a "He". There is only you. You were born as you, and you will die as you. The trick is accepting who you are. When you can do that, you've cracked it. :)

Also... just stopping by to give you a big hug. <3

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #45 on: November 28, 2020, 05:02:18 pm »
Sephirah ultimately I agree with you that we are just the same person.  The difference for my generation is that we buried so many things in order to fit in.  It requires a period of questioning and rediscovery, like my own documented on this thread to put together the puzzle. 

Somebody hid some of the pieces when I was younger. ;D

So glad you stopped by.  You were missed.


Warm hug,

Emma
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Northern Star Girl

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #46 on: November 30, 2020, 12:18:08 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
How was your Thanksgiving on last Thursday? 

I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for me and my sweetie Tooth-Fairy and two of the single gals in my Gym-Gals group.
We all ate too much food, it was very cold and additional fresh snow so we couldn't easily go outside and walk it off,   so we all took a nap on my chairs and sofa couch in front of my Fireplace. 

HUGS,
Danielle
***SEE MY LINKS BELOW
The Ramblings of a Northern*Star Girl
A New Chapter: ALASKAN DANIELLE's Chronicles
I am the HUNTED PREY: Danielle’s Chronicles
Things change re: ALASKAN DANIELLE
Positive Mindset... put away negativity

Started HRT:   March 2015
Went Full-Time    December 2016
Quit my male-mode job and relocated to a very small town in Alaska in January 2017
I'm a blonde, blue eyed woman, Age 40

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #47 on: November 30, 2020, 01:36:42 pm »
@Emma1017
Dear Emma:
How was your Thanksgiving on last Thursday? 

I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for me and my sweetie Tooth-Fairy and two of the single gals in my Gym-Gals group.
We all ate too much food, it was very cold and additional fresh snow so we couldn't easily go outside and walk it off,   so we all took a nap on my chairs and sofa couch in front of my Fireplace. 

HUGS,
Danielle

Sounds like a pretty good thanksgiving!


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #48 on: November 30, 2020, 02:18:53 pm »
Danielle that sounds like the perfect Thanksgiving!  I love the cold weather so I am so jealous of your snow!  The first frost is when I celebrate the death of all mosquitos! 

I agree one of my favorite places is in front of the fireplace (with a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate).

Mine was also quiet.  We just had my son and my wife's cousin who lives 5 minutes away.  It's one of my favorite ways to add 5 pounds...so now I am eating yogurt and salad for the week in penance ;D.

I know the holidays are tough this year but I hope everyone can stay patient for a couple of more months and stay safe.  It is forcing us all to get really creative but there are so many ways to enjoy them.  It just means a little more work.

Stay safe!

Warm hugs,

Emma



 
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #49 on: December 01, 2020, 06:49:54 am »
I think I found a physical pain that I can use to explain the emotional pain of gender dysphoria to a cisgender person, sciatica.  I have had it for a month and it is brutal.

Sciatica is a pain that radiates along the path of the sciatic nerve, which branches from your lower back through your hips and buttocks and down each leg.  It explodes out of nowhere just like gender dysphoria.

I have physical therapy twice a week and it hasn't alleviated it.  My therapist recommended a book by Dr. John Sarno, a back pain therapist, who, after decades in practice, came up with a theory that chronic pain has psychological origins.  He believed our brain used pain to distract us from experiencing negative emotions.

Hmmmmm what negative repressed emotions could I have???  Anger at being transgender, anger at needing to transition, anger and fear of coming out, anger and fear at hurting my wife, anger and fear of rejection.....

So I bought his book last night.  I have PT this morning.  I will read it tonight and see if it helps.  Red wine has had some positive impact but I limit myself to one glass...my liver appreciates the consideration :).


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #50 on: December 01, 2020, 03:23:06 pm »
Emma,

So sorry to read you are going through this. It sounds so awful.

Alice


Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #51 on: December 01, 2020, 03:52:40 pm »
Thanks Alice.  It is pretty miserable.  I have never had a physical pain that made me cry before.  Thank goodness gender dysphoria has given me some practice... ;D

To cheer me up I have a hair appointment tomorrow.  This is my second one with Melissa and my second one not at a barber shop.  YAY!  The last time I told Melissa I was transgender.  When she entered my information in the computer, she asked my name.  I told her my male name.  She answered: "No, your real name."  I instantly fell in love....

Leaving her appointment was when I got an angry commuter yelling at me "Nice Breasts!" as an insult.  Once I got over my confusion, I looked down and beamed with pride.  Even though I still present male, it felt great to be noticed.  ;D
  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Alice

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #52 on: December 01, 2020, 07:45:30 pm »
Thanks Alice.  It is pretty miserable.  I have never had a physical pain that made me cry before.  Thank goodness gender dysphoria has given me some practice... ;D



I can tell you, I have done lots of crying over gender Dysphoria. In my first transition I did nothing but cry when I started HRT. I was in a dark place back then.

Alice

Offline Dorit

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #53 on: December 02, 2020, 12:39:49 am »

Sciatica is a pain that radiates along the path of the sciatic nerve, which branches from your lower back through your hips and buttocks and down each leg.  It explodes out of nowhere just like gender dysphoria.


Hi Emma!  Maybe my experience with this can help. I too first had sciatica at 60 years old.  I went through all the medical proceedures; ultra sound, x-ray, MRI.  They did not reveal anything specific, suggested it might just be spinal stenosis, whatever that is, but no medical solution.  So I thought that because it was basically a back-spine problem I would for the first time join my wife in her morning back stretch routine that she started because of her back problems.  At that time I could not touch my toes.  I cannot remember exactly how long it took, but by the next year I was free of sciatica and I could touch my toes!  I am happy to say that morning stretch exercise is an almost daily routine and that sciatic is completely gone and only a distant memory thirteen years later.
I first told a psychiatrist that I wanted to be a girl 1967 after a psychotic breakdown
Began therapy again with gender specialist 50 years later in September 2017
Began HRT November 2017
Name change with Israel Ministry of Interior March 2018
FFS September 2018
GCS December 2018
Gender change with Israel Ministry of Interior January 2019
BA July 2020

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #54 on: December 03, 2020, 08:38:36 am »
Alice honestly I love that I cry now.  I need did before.

Dorit I used to do a morning exercise routine but with this sciatica I will join you and your wife.  I am now stretching.  I am still not sure I HAVE toes ;D.


Hugs,

Emma


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #55 on: December 04, 2020, 05:35:05 pm »
The sciatica is finally calming down a bit but still spikes.  As long as it keeps easing up I'll be happy.

I did a re-write of this and I thought I would re-post it here.  I hope it's useful.

Hugs,

Emma

                                      The Transgender Shoes on the Wrong Feet

I have been trying to explain how it is possible to shockingly discover that I am transgender this late in my life and to have had absolutely no clue that I was. The single question that I have asked myself repeatedly and one of the first questions I am always asked by those I tell is:

                                                 “How could you possibly not know?”

The question always seems to presume that I am lying or at the very least, a total idiot. How can you possibly ignore something as significant in your life as that and not know it?

But that is exactly what happened. I am not lying and I hope I don’t come across as an idiot. I truly thought that I was the man my wife married.

I will claim that I shared a common ignorance with the society that I grew up in. It was incapable of understanding my problem, identifying the issues or effectively diagnosing my symptoms, while it ostracized, in its ignorance, those that suffered from a similar pain. My parents, my friends and my family shared in society’s ignorance and, unfortunately, some continue to share the same outdated thoughts even now.

Shoes on the wrong feet:

I will use shoes as a simple example.

We have all worn painful shoes at some time in our lives. It makes life unbearable. Suppose for a moment from the day you are born, your parents reversed the shoes on your feet. They put the left on the right and the right on the left.
As a baby you had no clue but as you got older you whined and complained. The shoes really hurt. At various times you parents tried to sooth you or scold you. They bought new shoes, which they again put on the wrong feet. Your parents then took you to the doctors and foot specialists to find out why you had problems with your feet. They told your parent that your feet were just fine.

They couldn’t understand what was bothering you, so you talked to your friends. “No”, they said, their feet felt just fine. You became convinced that the pain was normal. Nobody else was complaining, so it must be you.

You suddenly stopped complaining. Your parents were very happy.  They thought you grew out of your childish issues but you just got used to the pain.   As time went by, your tolerance for the pain got stronger. It didn’t go away; you were able to just ignore it. Eventually the pain became a minor thing in your life.

You never admitted to others that when you took your shoes off, that the pain finally disappeared. They couldn’t or wouldn’t understand. You always kept your sense of relief very, very private.

Time passed. Wife, kids, house, professional success then one day the pain caused by the shoes became excruciating. You couldn’t understand why. As hard as you tried you could no longer ignore it, so you finally sought out a professional who specialized in foot pain.

She simply took off the shoes and reversed them.

The pain stopped for the first time in your life.

The shoes were simply on the wrong feet. It finally made perfect sense.

Ok, so if you are cisgender here is an experiment. Take your shoes off and reverse them. Walk around for a while if you can. Feel the discomfort. Feel the oddness. Feel the pain. Realize that you are experiencing for a very short time what is a lifetime painful experience for someone with late life gender dysphoria.

It took a lifetime to discover that I had been living my life with my gender on backwards.

Even now people are still convinced I should put my shoes on backwards…but that will only make them feel better, not me.


  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #56 on: December 04, 2020, 05:45:56 pm »
The sciatica is finally calming down a bit but still spikes.  As long as it keeps easing up I'll be happy.

I did a re-write of this and I thought I would re-post it here.  I hope it's useful.

Hugs,

Emma

                                      The Transgender Shoes on the Wrong Feet

I have been trying to explain how it is possible to shockingly discover that I am transgender this late in my life and to have had absolutely no clue that I was. The single question that I have asked myself repeatedly and one of the first questions I am always asked by those I tell is:

                                                 “How could you possibly not know?”

The question always seems to presume that I am lying or at the very least, a total idiot. How can you possibly ignore something as significant in your life as that and not know it?

But that is exactly what happened. I am not lying and I hope I don’t come across as an idiot. I truly thought that I was the man my wife married.

I will claim that I shared a common ignorance with the society that I grew up in. It was incapable of understanding my problem, identifying the issues or effectively diagnosing my symptoms, while it ostracized, in its ignorance, those that suffered from a similar pain. My parents, my friends and my family shared in society’s ignorance and, unfortunately, some continue to share the same outdated thoughts even now.

Shoes on the wrong feet:

I will use shoes as a simple example.

We have all worn painful shoes at some time in our lives. It makes life unbearable. Suppose for a moment from the day you are born, your parents reversed the shoes on your feet. They put the left on the right and the right on the left.
As a baby you had no clue but as you got older you whined and complained. The shoes really hurt. At various times you parents tried to sooth you or scold you. They bought new shoes, which they again put on the wrong feet. Your parents then took you to the doctors and foot specialists to find out why you had problems with your feet. They told your parent that your feet were just fine.

They couldn’t understand what was bothering you, so you talked to your friends. “No”, they said, their feet felt just fine. You became convinced that the pain was normal. Nobody else was complaining, so it must be you.

You suddenly stopped complaining. Your parents were very happy.  They thought you grew out of your childish issues but you just got used to the pain.   As time went by, your tolerance for the pain got stronger. It didn’t go away; you were able to just ignore it. Eventually the pain became a minor thing in your life.

You never admitted to others that when you took your shoes off, that the pain finally disappeared. They couldn’t or wouldn’t understand. You always kept your sense of relief very, very private.

Time passed. Wife, kids, house, professional success then one day the pain caused by the shoes became excruciating. You couldn’t understand why. As hard as you tried you could no longer ignore it, so you finally sought out a professional who specialized in foot pain.

She simply took off the shoes and reversed them.

The pain stopped for the first time in your life.

The shoes were simply on the wrong feet. It finally made perfect sense.

Ok, so if you are cisgender here is an experiment. Take your shoes off and reverse them. Walk around for a while if you can. Feel the discomfort. Feel the oddness. Feel the pain. Realize that you are experiencing for a very short time what is a lifetime painful experience for someone with late life gender dysphoria.

It took a lifetime to discover that I had been living my life with my gender on backwards.

Even now people are still convinced I should put my shoes on backwards…but that will only make them feel better, not me.


Emma, as another woman who discovered herself later in life I completely understand how it can happen. Even among the significant minority of trans people who transition late in life there are a myriad of reasons why. We are still trans people even when we did not always realise who we were. Sending huge hugs xxx


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Offline Emma1017

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #57 on: December 06, 2020, 09:17:24 am »
Pammie you are absolutely right, once you discover the truth you realized that it was always true.  That takes a lot to getting used to.  Pammie I always appreciated hugs in all sizes ;D.

This pandemic had created a massive strain on everyone around the world and the next few months will be even tougher.  For my own survival I have come to a few decisions.

I am going to transition but I am not going to beat my wife with a stick of mandatory understanding or acceptance.  Right now, particularly during this pandemic, I am going to stop being afraid of losing everyone and everything.

I have been afraid of my wife’s rejection and hurt but she sees my heart and she knows about my unrestricted love.  I need to transition and I need to stop being afraid.  I need to stop worrying about the future, it will come on its own, and focus on today’s hugs.  They are best when they are unrestricted and when you feel the warmth of a common love.

If I can't have  a hug today I will lovingly remember the hugs of the past and rely on them to keep my heart warm.

I am calling an armistice with my emotional needs for the holidays and I am just going to enjoy the holidays with family and friends, whether with visits, phone calls, the internet, a wave through the window or a simple Christmas card.

We deserve every element of joy we can create and find.


Warm hugs,

Emma

  The heart has reasons that reason can not understand.

             My Transgender Manifesto

Offline davina61

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #58 on: December 06, 2020, 09:31:11 am »
Well said dear, make the most of family and friends and have a good holiday.
a long time coming (out) HRT 12 2017


Jill of all trades mistress of non
Know a bit about everything but not enough to be clever

Offline Pammie

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Re: Chapter 5: I am Emma
« Reply #59 on: December 06, 2020, 09:31:59 am »
Pammie you are absolutely right, once you discover the truth you realized that it was always true.  That takes a lot to getting used to.  Pammie I always appreciated hugs in all sizes ;D.

This pandemic had created a massive strain on everyone around the world and the next few months will be even tougher.  For my own survival I have come to a few decisions.

I am going to transition but I am not going to beat my wife with a stick of mandatory understanding or acceptance.  Right now, particularly during this pandemic, I am going to stop being afraid of losing everyone and everything.

I have been afraid of my wife’s rejection and hurt but she sees my heart and she knows about my unrestricted love.  I need to transition and I need to stop being afraid.  I need to stop worrying about the future, it will come on its own, and focus on today’s hugs.  They are best when they are unrestricted and when you feel the warmth of a common love.

If I can't have  a hug today I will lovingly remember the hugs of the past and rely on them to keep my heart warm.

I am calling an armistice with my emotional needs for the holidays and I am just going to enjoy the holidays with family and friends, whether with visits, phone calls, the internet, a wave through the window or a simple Christmas card.

We deserve every element of joy we can create and find.


Warm hugs,

Emma
Good for you Emma, I think that makes a lot of sense in a turbulent time . Extra hugs xxx


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