Transitioning has really made me think about a lot of things that were hidden inside me during most of my life and question things I took for granted. This morning, for no special reason I asked simply who am I transitioning to be.
This is what I came up with
Who is Emma?
She is a woman that never had a chance to be a little girl.
She is a person inside a person. Her thoughts were always censured by a binary filter in order for her words to be accepted by the world she grew up with.
She is a soul that has never seen her face in the mirror.
She never got to take ballet lessons with the other girls or braid her hair or played with makeup.
She was never told she was the pretty girl that she always dreamed she could be.
She had to grow up a guy. Instead of makeup, she had to shave her face.
As a guy, she was told to be strong, show no pain, don’t ever be weak, suck it up.
As a guy, she was told to succeed, to be a man, to get an education and get a job, to support a family and pay the mortgage.
As a guy, she had to do guy things, talk sports, be aggressive, listen to sexist jokes, mock gays and lesbians, attack weaknesses, show no compassion and always be combative.
As a guy, she was forced deeper and deeper into the shell of her soul, rarely allowed to breath, hidden from sight, protected from the world by the guy that she lived inside of, the one who completely forgot she was even there.
So, who is Emma now?
She is a survivor. She never died. She chose patience instead. She took advantage of those opportunities to remind the guy in the mirror that she was there.
It took time, a lifetime, to understand that she and he are truly just one person. The thoughts they shared were always a collective sharing of perceptions, ideas and beliefs. They are a brother and a sister to each other. They protected and consoled each other. Their endless internal conversations eventually provided the strength for Emma to finally emerge.
She is transgender. She combines a life time of male experiences with the soul of a woman. She has the remarkable opportunity to draw on her gender and her sex to see the world with a unique perspective and to share it with those who care.
That is who Emma is.
Emma has finally been called pretty. She has finally seen the mirror reflect who she sees in her soul. She finally has had the opportunity to be weak and cry and be emotional without ridicule.
Emma has finally gotten to simply smile from the inside out.
Emma is finally just, Emma.
